Depression, a thief of days

Like a lightning bolt from above, it hits me – my galling lack of integrity – that I’ve screwed up. Again. I’ve held myself up to unrelenting standards and outrageous expectations, neither of which I’ve had the strength of character to achieve, and so have been the author of my own failure.

In more ways than one, as it happens, for I’d already determined how useful it was to me (and, allegedly, to others) to read true accounts of people’s encounters with depression, and promptly turned my back on the notion of writing my latest bout, as soon as it struck. In addition, I’ve been angry at myself for succumbing to it. Irritated by my own lack of inner strength and stickability. Frustrated at how flaky I’ve become, and determined to Set Myself Right (or Write), by doing this.

I’ve treated myself in all the ways I tell my depressed friends I wish they didn’t treat themselves. I’ve fallen easy prey to the same, roiling mindset, and simultaneously held myself apart, as though precious, untouchable – as though I alone should be immune to its levelling treatment. As though I, David to the mental illness Goliath, should stand in the field and carry on, stones in pocket and sling at my shoulder, a jaunty, devil-may-care whistle indicating to all and sundry that I am special.

I’ve been ego; boosted to titanic proportions by my own refusal to open my eyes, take my fingers out of my ears, and stop screaming “I can’t hear you”. I’ve been selfish, self-obsessed, and you’d think I had wanted the sun, moon and stars to bow down to me, the way I’ve been carrying on. I’ve had myself pegged as the rainbow-togged precocious rogue, meanwhile turning my back on those I profess to care about.

I’ve been doubt. I’ve been horror. I’ve been unabashed in letting forth, in secret corners, to those who had ears to hear me. And into their patient, generous ears, I’ve poured poison from the depths of unearned misery I was wallowing in. I’ve been self-pity, self-sabotage, and as stupid as they come.

Except I haven’t, because I can sweep it all – the whole glorious, decaying craphill of it – neatly under the rug of ‘depression’, and move on.

Depression thief of days - summat2thinkon.wordpress.com

So often the imagery used to describe depression suggests some kind of monster; an independent being, which has taken over our minds and lives, turning everything to gloom and agony. And thus it so often feels.

The twin, dispassions of science and logic raise cool, clinical eyebrows and murmur “chemical imbalance”, as they check a box, neatly, at the bottom of their clipboards.

I find (with increasing infrequency, which is wonderful, really (#SilverLinings, and all that)) myself subject to those little words ‘chemical imbalance’, experiencing their devastating effect on my mind, turning me into the monster – a festering ball of resentment and self-loathing, hyped up on the outpourings of what is arguably an over-inventive imagination, whilst lacking the energy or drive to do anything.

Minutes blur into hours blur into days as I sleep erratically and turn into an automaton. I have remained capable of my job, of dancing the dance and looping my limbs through the puppet-strings of professional expectation. I was successful and complimented on my ability and expertise – truisms which bounced off the armour of my atrocious mood, and broke into pieces at my feet.

Outside of work, all bets were off. I was sleeping erratically, accidentally, finding myself in nested nightmares where I was aware of people trying to wake me, then awoke to find them demonic without eyelids, or suddenly disappeared. I struggled through tunnels ever decreasing in size, only to be ridiculed for not going around them. I drowned, face down in a pool of my own tears, floating, in a red dress, having been admonished and told it’s “all in my own head and none of it was real, was it – you were just using it to get close to people!” I woke, unrested, unsettled, unable to connect with reality or disconnect from dreams.

Depression, a thief of days, has been siphoning portions from the length of my life, turning them to counterproductiveness and self-abasement.

I was suspended. A chemically imbalanced acrobat, teetering along long off-kilter neural pathways. A juggler of things; dropper of plates; squanderer of hopes; breaker of promises. I dangled over an imaginary pit of boiling tar, batting away the outstretched hands of those trying to help me, wishing I had the gumption to jump in and earn my stripes, knowing I am only worthy of the yellow livery of cowardice. I am ashamed of myself.

Shame – a powerful weapon used by depression (or, tapped into by those insolent chemicals), which leaves me feeling irretrievably Less Than. Irredeemable. Ridiculous. And to add insult to injury, I can’t even do it prettily (not that it makes a difference, for there are a million ‘wrong’ ways to do depression, and not a single right one).

But what I can do, however eventually, is write. For me. For you. For greater good. For no good reason whatsoever. Just because I can. Words have finally revealed themselves and for the first time in days, I can hear music. I only hope I can improve upon my silence.

A few people noticed I was absent. A smaller number knew my mind was holding me captive. One knew to what depths.

It doesn’t matter who didn’t notice. It doesn’t matter who didn’t miss me. I can attribute 90% of ‘missing’ to self-involvement (mine) and an over-inflated sense of my own importance. I’m just thankful I was too apathetic to take umbrage and burn bridges.

What matters is I’m still here. I still matter. At least a little bit. To some.

Which is all we can ever hope for in life.

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118 thoughts on “Depression, a thief of days

    • Thanks for sharing your article, Emily – I’ll definitely check it out. And thank you for your kind compliment. I just get things out best in writing, I think, and it helps me to organise my thoughts as I go along 🙂

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  1. Sweet woman, I hope that now that you have articulated how you have been feeling (and so beautifully), you will be able to stop beating yourself up in your mind.

    I, too, suffer from what I term “helpers disease” – a fundamental sense of shame when we can’t pour water out of our even temporarily empty pitchers, coupled with a crazy feeling that because we know what to do we must ALWAYS be able to do what we know — to be able to remain emotionally available to help others.

    Sometimes we simply need to follow the advice of the airlines: put on our own oxygen masks FIRST. If that means pulling back for a bit, so be it! If that means reaching out for help or understanding, REACH. Sooner rather than later. We probably both know all too well what happens when we don’t

    Welcome back!
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
    – ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
    “It takes a village to educate a world!”

    Liked by 2 people

    • Madelyn, thank you so much for your comment and for your encouragement. It sounds as though you understood very clearly what I went through (and I’m sorry to know that), and you’re right – we can have all the knowledge in the world about it and its methods…but when we fall victim to them we find ourselves helpless and unable to reason ourselves into our own good advice.

      Depression is just SUCH a nightmare and it persistently undermines our sense of self, and certainly for me, makes me feel that even if I DID have people who somehow felt me worthy enough to help me out (which I know I do, and they do, and they’re wonderful), I’m so awful I don’t even deserve to reach to them because I’ve done or been something awful and worthy of punishment. It’s ridiculous. I *know* it’s ridiculous, even as I believe it completely.

      Such a frustrating dichotomy in the battle between our depressed minds and our logical minds.

      For the moment, no beating up. Just…exhaustion.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are most welcome. You blogged thoughts I have held personally far too many times, even though “I know better” (intellectually). With depression, intellect seems to disconnect from feelings, however.

        Why is it so difficult for us to be KIND to ourselves – especially when we extend kindness to the rest of our world? If somebody could develop a pill for that they’d be an overnight gazillionaire. 🙂
        xx, mgh

        Liked by 1 person

        • They really would. It seems to be the constant lament (of especially women, it seems) that we somehow do better at loving others than ourselves. We’re taught from an early age, I suppose, to prefer others’ needs above our own, and that sticks. Somehow we come away diminished through wrong teaching, and I think it takes a lifetime of struggle to rectify that initial straying of neural pathways. We lay our foundation on being Less Than, and then have to fight uphill against it ever after.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Well said. Neuroscience also postulates that woman are “hard-wired” to prioritize caretaking. Children of mothers without that “nurturing instinct” rarely survived to contribute their genes to the next generation.

            Society adds its spin when it installs the expectation that women will nurture despite costs to self for-effing-ever!

            Once we internalize that expectation, we begin the uphill struggle for self-advocacy (and tend to feel selfish for even attempting it!) — which is why I believe that the feminism movement is important.
            xx,
            mgh

            Liked by 1 person

            • That all makes a lot of sense. And yes, I suppose natural selection does have some part to play in it! I’d never thought about how depression in women might be a feminist issue but I think you’re onto something there!

              Self-advocacy is HUGE and such a struggle to get hold of, and I think in such cases it makes a massive difference to find like-minded (similarly afflicted) people and find the good in each other and work on building one another up through the tough times. That’s what’s finally begun to work its magic in me, loosening the hold of low self-worth – that I know I have people I adore, who love me ANYWAY, and that’s…it’s everything.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Scary thought – but if I didn’t have a supportive like-minded online community, I might well have given up at certain points.

                In my first few decades, I was *expected* to soar – “punished” unfairly when I did not. And, of course, I believed the nonsense that “I did it to myself” – that I did something wrong – that I WAS something wrong, whenever I did not find myself “at the top of every class.”

                I put on my happy face and soldiered on with a fake sense of humor until I found out WHY I was struggling in certain arenas. That was when I was finally able to reach out to a community that understood. SO important!
                xx,
                mgh

                Liked by 1 person

                • I’m with you there. I have people online who have literally talked me down from a ledge. They are VITAL, and thank goodness for them!

                  I think online is a real haven for people who struggle with mental illnesses, because we CAN cherry-pick from across the globe, and we CAN find and engage with the people who really ‘get’ us. The accessibility of technology also allows us to be supportive across timezones and vast geographical distances in a way that gives us a big advantage over ‘in person’. The downside is, we do very much NEED people in person, too.

                  Sorry you struggled so much but SO glad you found people to help you through, and that you’re advocating now for people who are still struggling 🙂

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • Yep! Been there – *designed* the tee-shirt!

                    Your point about the importance of in-person contact is probably an understatement, given my research on what science is calling a Loneliness Epidemic. I was stunned to read the research on just HOW important face-to-face contact is to both mental and physical health (so much so that I began an ongoing Series of articles on Loneliness).

                    When in balance with Self-care, I find advocating and supporting others extremely healing personally. I’m betting that is part of the reason we helpers help!

                    Thanks for the kind words aimed my way. Let me say DITTO in your direction.
                    xx,
                    mgh

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • I think as much as the empathy we have for others going through it, in a way it helps us to battle back against our own demons, if we’re advocating. I always wanted to write my stories truthfully and no-holds-barred, because I felt that in a way, this might help. And it has, which is marvellous.

                      As a prospective future massage therapist, I’ve been doing a lot of learning about touch and oxytocin, and I’m very convinced that so much would be SO much better for all of us if we TOUCHED more. There’s a huge amount of social taboo about it which is utterly unhelpful, because it’s so SO good for us.

                      Your research sounds fascinating! Where are you publishing?

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • On ADDandSoMuchMore.com – and it is not my own original research but a compilation and reporting of brain-based research from credible sources.

                      I’m aware of the link between oxytocin and touch – especially as people age – and its importance in resistance to (and healing from) depression.

                      If I could afford it, I’d get a massage every single day! It is truly so much more than relaxation and pain relief.

                      How long before you “graduate” and become licensed?
                      xx,
                      mgh

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I’m nothing and nowhere with it yet. I have a scholarship to a college in OKC and…am stuck at the point of being able to get a visa in order to come and study. BUT I’m hopeful, still, for now. And I really hope it all works out, because it’s SO vital for people’s wellbeing, and such an overlooked thing.

                      I’ve always been a firm believer in massage, and it’s something I’m good at and love doing, which is great. I love to know I’m affecting someone physically and emotionally in ways which are good for them.

                      I’m scooting around your site now – you’ve got some fascinating articles 🙂 Good on you 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Thank you – much appreciated! I hope it will be but it seems like such a tangled mess of red-tape with no obvious short cuts! Still…stranger things have happened, and it’s always possible until it absolutely isn’t.

                      I’m currently in the south of England, and OKC is Oklahoma City, in the midwest USA.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • For what it’s worth, although the process is truly hateful, the US is still fairly liberal about admitting students – especially in cases like yours.

                      What we really need is a profusion of low-cost clinics where massage students can earn a bit of cash as they learn, and to open massage to people who could never afford it otherwise.

                      While important, professions that REQUIRE licenses can be a double-edged sword sometimes.
                      xx,
                      mgh
                      (currently blogging from Cincinnati, Ohio – for NOW)

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • It is, and I fulfill all the criteria…but the college doesn’t because it’s not accredited and doesn’t want to be tangled up in government. So we’re looking (slowly) for other possible ways forward, which is nightmarish, and I’m keeping my eyes open for other possibilities in the meantime.

                      My goal is to make it over to be closer to my best friend, my Person who is with me through everything and is the person who has probably made the most difference in my life.

                      The clinic set-up you mention would be WONDERFUL but tough to regulate, though humans are naturally skilled at massage. The legislature and licencing is a double-edged sword for sure, because it turns it into something it doesn’t need to be, and over-complicates the matter as well as creating a mass-education scenario which is rarely helpful.

                      Ohio I liked – I went to Westerville, where a friend lives, and it was lovely. 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I’m so sorry the college can’t see the economic wisdom of jumping through the hoops to increase their reach. In my experience, it’s only a nightmare the first time.

                      Ohio is a pretty state, but I’m not crazy about the politics. In Cincinnati, navigating the roads is a nightmare — due to all the hills making straight roads practically impossible and the fact that the same road often has different names — summers are beastly, and it isn’t the most welcoming city to newcomers, so it’s been unusually difficult to make friends here. I’m currently researching places I might like better.

                      Moving to be with a good friend automatically gets around the breaking into a new community hurdle. I hope I read SOON that you are on your way. Marriage might work – lol 🙂

                      xx,
                      mgh

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I’ve wondered about marriage, though there’s no-one I can see myself getting attached to at the moment, and if I mess it up by doing it NOT properly, I risk never being able to come back again! That said, I’m perfectly open to the idea of falling in love and everything happening RIGHT this time!

                      I’ve yet to hear back from the college but I had some good news from a friend about the visa situation – it might not be as hopeless as initially considered, so there’s a glimmer of faint hope sparkling again in the distance.

                      In England it’s very rare to have a straight road, though our hills are undoubtedly less impressive than yours. I’m sad to hear it’s not a welcoming city to newcomers though. That sucks, and I hope you find yourself a community soon. It’s so difficult not to have people in the place where you live.

                      I definitely think that moving to be with my friend will be a HUGE help in terms of settling in. I hope hope hope it all works out one way or another 🙂

                      Like

              • [I think we ran out the thread – 🙂 ] I just wanted to say I’m glad there may be some good news coming, visa-wise. After all, FIRST you have to get here to meet a person you could fall in love with and want to marry so you might have the choice to stay. Tell your friend to keep her eyes open – lol. Then you would be able to have dual citizenship, right? I’m really not up on immigration laws, except to know that they go nuts about sham marriages for citizenship – probably in England too.

                What about your imaginary [American] husband? Would he be free to live in England after you were wed, should you decide to move back? What about work? A friend followed her Air Force husband to England and she was not allowed to work in your country – even though she had a BA in speech pathology at the time. She came back for grad school, but ended up on another path on her return.

                Wouldn’t it be lovely to be able to swap countries like they do houses. You live in America, I go live in England? That could become my “out of Cincinnati” solution – if only – but thanks for your empathy there. Yes, it is difficult to be anywhere without a wide circle of friends – I am naturally extroverted and this introvert-like lifestyle doesn’t suit me at all.

                Hopefully, both of us will be on our way to new places SOON.
                xx,
                mgh

                Liked by 1 person

                • There would be no husband – I tried that once and it was just AWFUL for several reasons. Fortunately at the moment, the laws for same sex marriages are under less scrutiny in an international sense, but I still think it’s a long shot and unlikely. I wouldn’t do it for sham. Divorce is just too nasty as it is! But I don’t know how it works in reverse! I assume both would be free to come and go! Hmm!

                  I SO get you about how awful it is to be forced into an introverted lifestyle. I’m just lucky I get to see so many people at work each day or I’d go nuts! I hope you find people soon soon soon, and meantime thank goodness for the internet!

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • Apologies for my assumption, and thanks for setting the record straight (no pun intended).

                    I tried marriage once as well, for three years that felt like 30, decades ago — and had a similar strong negative reaction that has kept me from trying it again. However, I have never been sexually compelled toward other women (even when I find them attractive and adore everything else about them).

                    I was bemoaning that fact to a female friend/colleague with a same-sex partner and her response was, in jest, something like, “Probably for the best. The same problems tend to crop up anyway, only you have no way to avoid staying up all night to talk about it.”

                    And yes, “meantime thank goodness for the internet! ”

                    xx,
                    mgh

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • *grins* That’s an AWESOME response! Hehehe and no, I fully expect that exactly the same problems (okay, not EXACTLY the same – I imagine a girl wouldn’t leave pee on the floor with such appalling regularity) pop up and need dealing with, but I think a lot of what goes on is down to two different people living in the same space (which would happen with ANY two people living in the same space), and a lack of communication, which (hopefully) with two women, is more likely to be fixed quicker. I hope. Maybe one day I’ll find out.

                      And yeah…it sucks you don’t get to choose it, but I completely understand your not going for marriage again.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • My ex did that guy thing in spades – terrific in the chase, only afterwards do you get to see who they really are.

                      I thought we had everything important in common until he turned out to be a completely different person almost immediately following our marriage – seriously. It was like the pod people got him or something.

                      When I asked him, during the divorce conversation, why he pretended to be someone he wasn’t, his response is what scared me most: “Because you never would have married me if you knew what I was really like.”

                      He was an actor/director, but he’d never been THAT good on stage!
                      xx,
                      mgh

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Good GRIEF! *shudders* That’s horrific! So glad you’re outta there!

                      Mine at least WANTED it to all work out…he just didn’t really want ME. And he got very ill and just didn’t cope with anything at all (can’t blame him for that, and it really did ruin us). But both of us were trying to do what was expected, rather than what we really wanted. Which meant that divorce was one of the (relatively) most amicable parts of our marriage *sigh*

                      Also. HOW DO THEY NOT NOTICE?!?!

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                    • Me too. Me so very too!

                      I got that book once, with the idea of hoping to understand my ex. It was useless. So I kept it in hopes of understanding women instead. In the end I never read it lol

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                    • I actually never read it either, but I love the title (though I swear the author must have heard me utter that phrase on the subway and taken it for his book ::grin:: I’ve always said that.)

                      I understand the emotions and actions of every single female friend I have a thousand percent better than almost every male I’ve ever dated (a lot, btw). My male friends have always been more forthcoming but, oddly, it stopped on a dime if we ever tried dating. I’m sure we both feel it was the other’s “fault,” but that doesn’t change the reality.

                      For now, anyway, I’m done with romance.
                      xx,
                      mgh

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                    • I don’t blame you! I’ve always gotten on better with guys, growing up, but I think my experience with my ex has just really made me want to limit contact! I don’t think I necessarily *understand* women better, but I think I have more patience with trying to hear them out.

                      I just remember so, SO many times thinking “there is a REASON people say all these things about men, AND I’M LIVING IT”…beforehand, I’d always naively thought it surely couldn’t be THAT bad…HA!

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                    • I do have a few examples of what I consider good marriages to point to – marriages where the dynamic would work well for me and both people remain happy with their choice of the other — most days, anyway. 🙂 I know even more where it wouldn’t work for me, but works well for them.

                      I’ve never been able to set up a really good relationship that had a shot at lasting for life with someone I was involved with. I’ve always wondered if I was born with a faulty picker. 🙂
                      xx,
                      mgh

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Awhhh maybe you just haven’t found the right person. Never say never, ey?

                      I’ve seen a handful of really good and wonderful marriages, were (in spite of the everyday niggles) everything really does truly work for those two people, and they love each other to the ends of the earth. Those couples are my inspiration. That’s what I WANT 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I think that’s what we ALL want, deep in our hearts. The “it takes work” part is a foreign concept to many, however – since that work is emotional care-taking, which can only be effective through communication, often in tandem with good conflict-resolution skills on both parts. That can take more than a little bit of psychological awareness or education, “official” or not.

                      In my experience, many people can only hear change-requests as what they do “wrong” and get defensive, which never helps — while many others make the mistake of phrasing them exactly that way.

                      Complimentary values and vision are what I see in the marriages that work — less to have to work out later (besides the “cap on the toothpaste” struggles, of course). 🙂

                      THEN there is the language barrier. I once dated a man who used practically the same words I did when he described his ideal relationship. What we each meant by those terms was completely different. For only one example, his meaning for “partnership” was that he would be with a woman who would totally support his needs and objectives, while mine was that it would be a mutual thing).

                      xx,
                      mgh

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                    • I think there’s a lot to be said for getting very close with someone before getting into a marriage, for these very reasons. I think without proximity and nuanced understanding of a person, it’s not possible to accurately gauge where they’re at, or for them to ever really understand you.

                      Another thing my ex and I had against us – the distance factor was always a problem. Until we were in each other’s space. And that was a bigger problem.

                      I think I’d like to be with someone who WANTS to work at a relationship, who wants to put effort into making it succeed.

                      For now I’m just happy as can be that I have a best friend I’m so comfortable with. I think I will have to find a lot of my ‘boost’ through friendships until such time as romance rears its head again.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • It wouldn’t be weird at all – I hope we can stay connected too, but FB wouldn’t be useful from a connection standpoint. Although my blog articles autopost over there, I RAREly visit “in person” anymore because keeping up with bloggy business already takes more time than I’d anticipated, and I still have to run my life and keep a messy roof over my head.

                      FB just eats my life whole when I visit — so I really don’t anymore, unless I’m housebound due to illness and really bored 🙂 – although I do answer those who want to friend me when I go.

                      As the ADD Poster Girl, distraction is my biggest challenge, so I have to limit my engagement or I’m SUNK! I don’t even own a TV because of television hypnosis – and HULU might just be my downfall. 🙂
                      xx,
                      mgh

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Ahhh fair enough. At least you know your roadblocks well enough to avoid them 🙂 I lost an entire evening to the Food Network once, and it was GLORIOUS but also terrible.

                      I’ll add you on FB anyway, just in case 🙂 I would be good to stay connected somehow 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, thank you so much for writing this. I have recently realized just how severe my depression has gotten. I finally told my family how I’ve been feeling and it was so hard to put it into words. But this… It’s like you took the words right out of my mouth. So, thank you. I so look forward to reading your other posts.

    Alice

    Liked by 1 person

    • Amy, this is an amazing comment and I’m so thankful you took time to write, and so glad what I wrote made a difference for you. That’s what I always hope, for my writing about this kind of thing 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for sharing such an articulate post on your challenging experience! I hope you are reminded daily that you DO MATTER and that you are an IRREPLACEABLE STAR in this universe! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m glad you found it, too! Depression is an awful beast of a condition, and I’m sorry you’ve had to struggle with it, too.

      I hope you find ways to be compassionate and caring towards YOUR self during the harder times, and that you’ve got people to support you through them – that made a huge amount of difference to me.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “I only hope I can improve upon my silence.”
    My favourite line from this piece of #BeReal writing Lizzi.
    We can never know what another person might be going through. That’s all I know. I also think that shame has threatened to take me down a few too many times, but you write and don’t hide, once the silence ends.

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    • *hugs* Thank you. That came from a quote I read, which said “only speak if you can improve upon the silence”, and quite honestly, I included the line as I did because I wasn’t sure I WAS improving upon my silence. But it seems to have garnered a good response, so maybe.

      As to my latest post. I should probably have remained silent and gone to bed!

      I think many people are too quick to make assumptions without being in possession of the full facts, and it makes it difficult to overcome their perspectives, when you’re already struggling with your own.

      Shame is a very difficult thing. I’m glad it hasn’t taken you down yet. I hope it never does.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I didn’t actually notice your absence because you know I just randomly disappear from Social Media when life gets busy and up until a few days ago I’ve been absent too. BUT if you ever need me, text me or pm me on FaceBook. I check out regularly but I don’t want it to be mistaken for not being available to the people I care about. I hope you’re doing better. Yes, you’re still here. And you definitely matter. A ton. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know, and I know your patterns well enough by now that I truly didn’t take it personally or even think anything of it, G! Promise. I’m just always glad for the times we DO get to chat here, and reminisce, and think about the wonderful times in the future when we’re going to be getting drunk and tied to trees and shouting and stuff 😀 IT WILL HAPPEN (and I promise to cry a LOT less) ❤ ❤

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  6. I knew you were quiet, but I honestly figured you were concentrating on your trip over here and your interview, etc. I’ve been buried under a ton of stuff the last couple of weeks, so I was barely popping in. And writing? Pfft. Please. All in a state of unfinished.
    You know you can always ping me – I’m probably awake. 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    • I know. I just suck at reaching out when I’m in that place. Which doesn’t help matters at all! I wish I was up to speed on getting things done and prepared for my trip. Perhaps I’l use this afternoon to get things underway. I hope your things are gradually letting you get unburied.

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  7. I noticed you weren’t around much, but I thought it was a GOOD busy with all the working plans you must have to accomplish before you move HERE! I had no IDEA you were struggling.

    But how could I or anyone else if you don’t tell us? Oh so many times I was gone from the internet in bed so sick, over and over again- but no one ever noticed. I honestly didn’t expect anyone to notice. How would they know I was sick? How would they even care to see I was gone, when everyone is neck deep in their own lives? That’s just how it goes, lovey.

    I am so heavy hearted, reading this and knowing you have been in the pit of the monstrous hell. I HATE that you have suffered so much. Just so surprised this has been happening, because I honestly thought after your trip here, you were SO EXCITED and life was full of HOPE for you. I suppose that is how this beast works- sneaking in and attacking when you least expect it.

    I love you. All you have to do is tell me you are hurting, and you KNOW I will BE THERE FOR YOU.

    *This was brilliantly written.*

    Liked by 2 people

    • Exactly – it was such an overly-inflated sense of self-importance that made me think I’d even be noticed, yaknow? Which is why I know I’m highly egocentric. Or egotistical, in this case.

      A life full of hope and good things never stopped depression yet, which I suppose is some cold comfort, because I know I DO still have the hope and the good things.

      As for the reaching out – that’s the tough bit because I feel ridiculous and burdensome, but THANK YOU, and also thank you for thinking it well written 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I noticed the lack of Lizziness. Sorry I was caught up in my own life and did not reach out, but I’m glad you have friends who did. You have such a unique way of describing your feelings and depression – I hope writing helps.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Writing did help, mostly, but I think being a couple of days nearly back into the sunshine has made more difference. I wrote and then didn’t publish, cos I fell back off the ledge for another day or so. But I’m always thankful for anyone who reaches out and keeps me going. I shall always be thankful to YOU for reaching out with the idea which changed my entire life’s trajectory 🙂

      Like

    • ❤ It still stuns me how it affects so many people in such similar ways. I was glad to write this, to get it out, and in a way, to allow my shame and bad behaviour to be seen – not that there's anything redeeming in that, but maybe it's easier to think of myself as a wastrel if I make it public.

      Like

  9. I’m here always. Even when battling my own fire breathing imbalance- I am here. Even when my dark clouds roll in to obscure my vision and my inner eye, I am here.

    Never doubt that you are not alone.

    Liked by 2 people

    • The feeling of aloneness got too much. I know it’s counterproductive but I isolate, and then am saddened by my loneliness. Ridiculous, really, but so often my pattern. I’m so glad you’re there, and that you’re winning your battles and managing to stay ‘here’ 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • There are days, sometimes weeks in which I want to isolate myself. To wrap myself in a cacoon of loneliness and self doubt and hide from the world. But i taught myself a long time ago that the only one who could fight was me and the only way to do that was to be present. Maybe not in the middle of things, but definitely there, watching from the outside. It’s why I push the positive. Talk about the darkness and cherish every single moment I can.

        Liked by 1 person

    • My DA ❤ I'm very bad for not keeping up, but I was glad to read your comment on my TToT – that made me happy. I'm glad I'm on the way back in, and I love you too 🙂

      I think everyone who suffers this thing is alike in some ways. We all follow startlingly similar patterns.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh, Lizzi! How I can relate to your words! I’ve been struggling for the past few months myself and I’ve had the same thoughts. If I just was more POSITIVE in my outlook. If I just would get out and DO something. If I was just more GRATEFUL for the things that I had. If I… If I… If I….then I wouldn’t be depressed anymore. Then things wouldn’t seem so overwhelming and fatalistic.

    I’ve been climbing best I can and I think I’m finally seeing the edge of the pit. I just need to hang on tightly while I struggle to get out of it…for now. I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t acknowledge that I know I’ll end up falling back in at some point. The good news is that I’ve always managed to climb out again — it just takes longer sometimes.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jana, my friend, I hate that you’ve been in this place for so long 😦 I have your latest open in a tab to read, and I SO hope you’re seeing the edge of the pit, BUT don’t worry about falling back in, because I thought I saw the edge yesterday and the day before and went back in hard… (as it were).

      BUT! You will get through. You’ve gotten through before. And (sadly) you’ll get through again in future.

      Hang on, my friend, to whoever and whatever you’ve got, and struggle like mad. The sunshine is good – you remember it 🙂 It is waiting for you ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  11. “I was suspended. A chemically imbalanced acrobat, teetering along long off-kilter neural pathways. A juggler of things; dropper of plates; squanderer of hopes; breaker of promises. I dangled over an imaginary pit of boiling tar, batting away the outstretched hands of those trying to help me, wishing I had the gumption to jump in and earn my stripes, knowing I am only worthy of the yellow livery of cowardice. I am ashamed of myself.” THIS, I understand this in more ways than I would like to admit. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • I so, SO wish you didn’t know those feelings, those behaviours. They feel unstoppable whilst in the midst of them, even as you (I) feel like the most wretched being in the entire world for being such a heinous bitch to everyone around me. *sigh*

      It’s astonishing how similarly this thing manifests in different people. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think it is the people pleaser in us that makes us feel badly for being unable to give ourselves? Or is it the being unable to give ourselves that makes us people pleaser’s. I don’t know, but I thank you for writing, and pushing on. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        • Now there’s a conundrum.

          I wonder if it’s because when we DO give ourselves, we’re living in accordance with our most US-ness, and when we don’t (or can’t), we’re out of kilter with the people we really are, at our core. We’re out of kilter with love.

          I think for me, it goes deeper than ‘people pleasing’, though I think a lot of the time, ‘pleasing’ is a way of trying to express a need to love and be loved. Does that make sense?

          Liked by 2 people

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