I wander through a gorgeous, mist-enshrouded forest, trees stretching their branches towards a sky I cannot see.
It is warm and bright, and the sun (somewhere) is creating a great orb of amorphous light through the milky air. There is intense stillness, the soaring majesty of the pines instilling a cathedral-like splendour. There is silence except for the tiniest noises of insects going about their lives, and the occasional echoing stanza of bird-song. I can hear my own breathing; gentle, deep respirations, as though by taking enough of the woodland-scented air into my lungs, I can inhale the peace and somehow keep it.
There are ghosts, but they do not worry me. They attend their own business, shimmering through the trees, dappled with brightness which seems to come from nowhere and everywhere. Time slows, my heartbeat quietens, and as though the ghosts have moved forward a phase without me, their busyness speeds up, flashing here, there and everywhere as I watch. Periodically one or another of them moves towards me, becoming solid, more filled with colour and life as we connect. As they slip away again, so their colour fades and they return to misty, half-lit beings.
I wonder if it is I who is the anomaly – who does not belong.
Whether this World Between the Wires is truly a meeting-place, or just somewhere I happened to be, to make the ghosts’ acquaintance but never see more than the illusions of their own spaces in time.
There is one who stays close, repeatedly reaching for me, becoming infused with colour, her lines solidifying each time our fingertips touch. Time becomes erratic, bouncing through days and nights, flickering back and forth as the ghosts disappear into speed-blurs between the trees. Great bubbles of time slide through the woods, magnifying the smallest details and trapping the ghosts in slow motion, as though encased in glue. I turn, infinitesimally slowly, to track their progress, and my eyes are caught by the gaze of the ghost who visited me most. She reaches for me and I reach back.
Our fingertips connect, cool and smooth, then the length of our fingers, then our palms. My hand feels pins-and-needlesy, as though a great energy is building from our point of contact, expanding and swirling around us – it encases us in a sphere of bright light. We intertwine our fingers and hang on as the light intensifies to a blinding whiteness, turns abruptly to shadow, then disappears entirely.
As I look, the ghost’s eyes infuse with a startling blue, and the woods become hazy as my body begins to turn to dappled mist. My margins dissolve and I delight as my molecules slide through the air, my fading colours and the echo of my breath now irrelevant. I am no longer an anomaly – I belong.
Disappearance – I’ve barely been writing here lately. I’ve barely been writing at all! I don’t know why, although I’m getting more sleep than I used to in the good ole days. BUT there’s really no excuse, especially when I consider how much I miss y’all. I’m just glad I have this space, and happy when you visit.
Distraction – That said, there’s been a lot on. I’m getting back into exercise and healthfulness after surgery (so long ago now, but bodies apparently take a LOT longer to un-mess-up than to mess up, so there’s that) and trying to go about it the right way. Which means slowly. Which means being patient. Which I do BADLY! But I’m grateful for the ability to DO things now.
Depression – has been variously largely absent or *utterly* kicking my ass. I think because I have an upcoming Important Event, on which so, S much hangs, that I’m anxious and it’s all turning a bit maelstromish at times. Good thing is – I have people who really understand this, and who support and love me anyway. Hooray! I also wrote a piece for my good friend Abbie’s series; Depression, Catalyst for Change.
Discussion – LOVING the discussions in the comments of my last post. I’m not sure a clear resolution was ever reached one way or another, but perhaps it’s one of those issues where non-resolution is okay, and the best thing was just how damn respectful and eloquent everyone was. You hear about these posts which get trolled, and this one just drew polite, involved discussion, and HOORAY for ye all who partook.
Divorce – it happened. It’s official. It actually happened a while ago and I didn’t say anything about it because I wasn’t really sure how I felt. Today I feel peaceful about it, and perhaps that’s the very best thing to feel. I wrote about it though, to unmuddle myself – it’s over at Hasty’s.
Delight – Flowers. Birdsong. Blue skies. Warm air. Sunshine. Light evenings. All my favourites. SPRINGTIME (the end near summer) is just BEAUTIFUL. Though I did manage to get appallingly sunburnt, because I’m a plonker and neglected to put suncream on, on a day where the sky seemed hazy and the sun seemed not-so-hot. FIE ON ME!
Delicious – I took Niece and Neff for their first taste of ‘out at a gelato parlour’ sorbet. They were AMAZED to hear there was no milk involved in the treat, and enjoyed every mouthful. Yummy-noises were made by all, and they’re keen to return to try more flavours. I’m keen to take them. HOORAY FOR VEGAN HOT-WEATHER TREATS, and HUZZAH for those places which supply them.
Disappointment – Taking. So. Long. To lose. Weight. I have to remind myself every day to be thankful I CAN do the gym again. I know I wrote this a different way before, but disappointment is something I do badly with, and disappointment in myself (for e.g. self-sabotage when I break one of my self-imposed ‘rules’) tends to lead to The Bad Place. Which it hasn’t YET, and I’m also very thankful for that.
Determination – Sooooo I have an interview at a massage therapy college in OKC in just over a week. This. Is. HUGE! If I get it, THIS is the life-changer. THIS is my way into ‘Murica, and THIS is…oh I’m scared because it’s so, SO important to me. It looks like an amazing opportunity, with wonderfully in-depth training, and (by the sound of things) great people. Keeping my fingers, toes, legs, arms, and eyes all crossed for this.
Not holding my breath though, because I can’t bear to put all my hopes in this…if I mess it up, I’m back to square one, and THEN what?!
SO! I’m late to the party and I expect I’ll be late to reading everyone’s lovely posts, but I miss you all and I WILL READ, and…hi! Remember me?