Little Miss Lonely

“I don’t understand how I was so stupid, how I didn’t see or understand what was going on, even though I was right in the middle of it,” I said, moodily stabbing my fork into my salad.

“Well, to be fair, I had more friends, so I was OUT of it more – more connected with the real world, and how families were supposed to work”

I glared at my Sis, not in a way which meant I was angry with her, but in a way which seemed the only way to express the feelings that suddenly overwhelmed me. With one fell truth, she had reperspectivised the stark isolation which had robbed child-me of kids my age to hang out with, of peers with whom I was on any kind of equal footing, of friends.

“Well, fuck.”

She agreed, and we both sat in silent contemplation, the restaurant humming around us, filled with the light and chatter of people doing that thing they do when they’re together with other people they enjoy being together with – that peopleing thing I missed because I was weird and couldn’t bring anyone home for fear of what might happen, and subsequently rarely went anywhere. When I did, was on edge as soon as the family’s dad was around, especially when he acted nice. I was baffled by it, waiting for the facade to drop and for him to start acting how dads *really* acted…

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There was a gang of us at church, when I was little. We hung out together on Sundays, causing ruckuses, getting told off, and filling the dusty pews with our childish liveliness. We were bright, excitable, unruly, a pack. We belonged, just at weekends, because none of us went to the same schools and we were without each other in the week. The adults knew to watch out for us because wherever we were, there would forsure be some kind of mischief, mishap or misadventure. We were unmissable.

Until we started going missing – house moves, parents moving jobs, life upheaving and resettling, chipping away at our little gang until just one remained. Alone.

The next ‘set’ of kids down from me were a little gang, too. They developed little personalities and built little friendships and started getting told off for causing ruckuses, filling the soft new chairs with their childish liveliness. They were bright, excitable, not so unruly, a group. The church leaders got their heads together and found a children’s worker to keep them engaged.

I was too old to join in with the little kids, and too young to join in with the adults. I faded away, haunting the place where those dusty pews used to be, where my gang and I used to play. Where I had once belonged.

Years later, one of the older members of the church told me she wished there had been more which could have been done for me, but I somehow got missed.

Big grin

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‘I know I’m going on holiday with my family for two weeks and I’m sure I’ll have fun with them, but I’m gonna MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH! I hate that there’s such bad connection there, and that I won’t be able to be as much in contact. Damn FOMO*’ – words I typed (or thereabouts) again and again and again to ‘my’ people in the World Between the Wires; the place where I had discovered deep and meaningful connections, acceptance, appreciation…friendship.

I belonged. I was wanted. I was about to be disconnected – kryptonite!

I was bereft, for two horrendously painful weeks; miserable in the face of familial warmth (and complexity) because I missed my friends so desperately – those hearts to whose mine was hardwired.

Hardwired Heart

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Aged 9, my teacher busted my pattern. She copped onto the fact I misbehaved just before playtime, the standard punishment being to stay indoors, alone, and complete helpful tasks around the classroom. I sharpened pots and pots of pencils, tidied trays, washed out tubs of paint and set them neatly to dry. I tidied bookshelves, organised, neatened and sorted, all the while appreciating the minutes of alone-ness which weren’t isolation, because I’d chosen them for myself.

The next time I misbehaved, her punishment for me was far more cruel – she made me go out and play football with the other kids. A punishment for them. I pleaded with her to change her mind, but she would not be swayed. I played a game and they grudgingly included me, forced to accept me into their ranks for a time, which rankled them, for it didn’t last.

I developed a new strategy – I’d leave the classroom just before break on some pretext, and squither my way under the drift of bags and coats which washed up against the edge of the corridor each morning. From my hiding place I watched the other kids leave. I sat for long, quiet minutes, wiling away time until the bell rang and the tide of noisy children flooded back in. No-one ever noticed – I had no-one to miss me.

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My favourite TV show as a young teen, Ally McBeal, was full of hilarious writing, heartbreak, and astute observations on life. It gave me somewhere to escape reality, other lonely people to relate to, who somehow managed to make life work (or not), who nonetheless had each other. How I yearned for that, for an ‘each other’. One conversation from the show stuck with me for years:

Ally: Couple-hood is good, Renée. And maybe we should stop waiting for the right guy and go out with the wrong ones. I mean, it probably beats loneliness.
Renée: There’s nothing lonelier than being with the wrong guy.

I went out with a few of the wrong guys until I found one who I thought was the right one. Turned out Renée was spot on – there’s *nothing* lonelier than being with the wrong guy. But if I hadn’t been so desperate, I would never have ended up online, so…even though I missed out on one kind of forever, I gained SO many more.

Hardwired Heart Tat

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WonderAunty stopped poking the fire, turning to face me as the embers did their best to rekindle. She had apparently been giving something her serious consideration, so I stopped what I was doing and looked up at her.

“You really don’t do well without people, do you? I’d never really noticed that before, but you really *really* don’t. You’re a bit of a fragile flower that way.”

Bemused, I asked “What do you mean?”

“Well, your mood just…goes off the edge.”

I nodded and smiled, able to because after five days when I was too ill to do anything but eat or sleep or sit (all of which had proven exhausting), I’d spent some time back at work, with people.

“I know,” I told her. “I absolutely wither without people.”

She smiled, assimilating this new thought about me, or re-framing an old one – I wasn’t sure which. I returned my attention to whatever-it-was I had been doing, wondering how alarmed I should be that I could so easily be tipped, just through having my extrovert nature foiled, and whether I should be pleased or concerned that she’d noticed so easily.

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Newly unshackled from 5+ years of friendlessness in company of the same group of ‘others’, I made my first ‘school friend’ at college. After taking an instant dislike to one another, we were forced together by circumstance and decided to make the best of the situation, finding in each other a friend to last over half our lives (at this stage). That was ONE for ME, I thought gleefully as I realised the full, heart-swelling, astonishing truth. Someone wanted me. I had a FRIEND!

A year later I added a second friend. Two years after that, I added a third. Last year I added a fourth. FOUR for ME! In Real. Here.

FOUR!

The part of me which remembers spending long, very public hours being ignored (or worse, discussed, derided, destroyed), going from one circle of backs which squished together to exclude me, to another, which did the same, still can’t quite believe there are FOUR PEOPLE here, who want me. The rest of me, which is more analytical, can explain the circumstances of my exclusion and how it warped my soul to miss out on friendships for so many years. That part of me is less surprised, but still pleased. Thrilled, actually. Four. Lovely.

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Striped Lights

“I’ve never seen you look as happy as you looked in the pictures of your ‘Murica trip,” I was told.

I grinned widely, remembering the life-changing wonderousness of it. “No, you probably haven’t,” I agreed. “I’ve never BEEN that happy.”

The trip marked the end of my old life and the beginning of my new one. It made ‘online internet people’ into Really Real and In Actual Fact FRIENDS – ones without obligation or agenda, who knew so many of the goods, the bads, and the uglies, through reading this blog, and who nonetheless enjoyed my input, sought me out, cherished my friendship, and genuinely jumped at the chance to make me as Real as I made them.

I was faced with a torrent of irrefutable, inescapable, absolute PROOF – I was WANTED. I spent those three weeks in a haze of wonder and love.

As my return plane taxied along the runway at JFK, picking up speed, I felt as though one half of my heart had been glued to the asphalt, and was stretching agonisingly, to breaking point as the plane became airborne on trajectory for the place I could no longer call my only home. On return I shut myself in my room and cried daily for over a month, missing the people who had so rapidly become mine, and I theirs.

“I’ll look after that piece of your heart until you come back and make it whole again'” one told me.

“I love you. I for reals want you to come over and be able to be here,” another said.

“I miss you. MotherFUCK, I miss you. Genuinely, truly, awfully.” – a message, fresh today, which I could only echo, because I feel exactly the same.

“I need you, please never leave me.” My heart squeezed as I whispered back my response – “I won’t. I promise. I need you, too. We belong.”

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With each person who is FOR me, for Real and for Good, the pieces which were missing have slowly been being replaced. I am becoming whole, kintsugi-gilded by their love – my FOUR; my family; my For Reals, my hardwired hearts – my FRIENDS.

Alone, I fail to thrive, but ‘together’ I am stronger than I could ever have imagined. I am made for relationship, and ‘together’, I am finally, gloriously, enough. It’s impossible to love in a vacuum, and I’ve finally discovered the secret and saving of my world – you; My People.

Loneliness and disconnectedness might be my downfall, but #LoveWins, my darlings. It really, truly does. I’m proof.

We’re proof.

#LoveWins

*Fear Of Missing Out – a condition from which I suffer chronically

This was a Finish the Sentence Friday post, with our starter for ten “My Kryptonite is…” posed by the lovely Lisa Witherspoon, who co-hosts this week alongside one of my personal favorites, Kristi Campbell.

Finish the Sentence Friday

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70 thoughts on “Little Miss Lonely

  1. Pingback: What Does Happiness Have To Do With Compassion? a #1000Speak post | Yvonne Spence

  2. Pingback: Being an introvert in an extroverted world | Becoming Vincent

  3. I have lived this life between needing sanctuary in my own little bubble to being around people to be social and not one of the weird kids. I lived in both worlds in my books and Classic movies and running, playing, and mischief making. As an empath sometimes too much is simply just that and I need to unplug and find my solace in a musical note or thought provoking lyric. You wrote this so beautifully, honestly, compassionately that I want to fly across the pond and hug you and toast you on your brilliance. Love and light to you dear Lizzi. 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Now you know I love this because you and I are such complete opposites. Too much contact with people in person sends me into a tailspin and I need to withdraw on purpose. But I also recognize that TOO much time on my own doesn’t do me much good, either. There is a perfect balance point for me.
    But I think I love how much you need other people – and that you know yourself so well. That’s the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think you’re right – the realisation wasn’t even mine! Mum told me once, because I’d said I thought I was an introvert (having no friends and no ‘life’ and no way of connecting) and she giggled and told me there was no way. It’s been a LONG process of self-discovery and becoming more aware.

      I know introverts who find they have to force themselves to go and be around other people otherwise they get TOO into their aloneness.

      I’m withering, this week. SO struggling. The best thing about hospital was there were so many people around, all the time. I loved that. LOVED it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • No, you’re not introvert. Situational introvertedness (yes they’re words – I say so) is different than intrinsic introvertedness. I can tell even from all the way over here that you need to be around people to thrive. So sorry you were in the hospital. I really hope you'[re doing OK.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I’m not *remotely* introverted. I CAN spend time alone, and sometimes it’s nice but usually it drains me and I struggle. I love that it’s so obvious even from a distance.

          I’m doing better now I’m back on my laptop – it’s astonishing how MUCH I get from being connected on here.

          Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s incredible how the people who love can lift us. Even when we don’t believe love can ever be great again. I love that you’ve found it, and whether you know it or not, you have it from me, too, from the fringes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I always, always believed in love. Stubbornly and for too long, hoping that somehow bad situations could come right because of it, but there were too many lies and complexities involved and things fell apart.

      I’m so glad to have found love now in so many places, and to have found a small place in so many hearts. And thank you for your place amongst them, even in the fringes…it all counts 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: No, I don’t want to be alone | Little steps to Somewhere

  7. Sometimes there is nothing more lonely than being surrounded by people who are meant to be with you, but don’t get you.
    Glad you found your people, even if they are online and not physically next to you, they get you, so you are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad too, and yes – there was nothing lonelier than being with the wrong people, especially when we were ‘meant to’ *sigh*

      I hope you have people around you *somewhere*, my dear. And I know now, as wonderful as it is to have my people online, it’s SO much better to have them in Real…

      Like

  8. So interesting to hear about your withdrawal symptoms from people. I am an introvert who works in a field where I have to take charge a lot, where nearly every single moment of my day is spent with others, where I often have to speak up and be the voice to the voiceless. Love it, believe in it—-but oh, by golly—it sucks the life out of me. I reach a point where I simply must go to my house, shut the blinds, make a cup of tea and be in solitude. Preferably days and days of solitude!
    We are so different, yet so many times my heart connects with your words. Recess in elementary school? The worst! Dreaded it!
    Enjoy your time away. Looking forward to “seeing you” back soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi May, and it really hasn’t been a good time away but I’m glad to be back. Baby steps.

      Sorry you hated recess too. I guess that was for different reasons, if you’re an introvert. Sounds like you’ve found ways of overcoming it for your job, and good for you. I can only imagine how good it must be for you to go home and shut the front door and keep the world out by comparing it to how great it feels to have people around me, having been deprived of them for a while. I need more people at the moment though. I’m a bit starving for them.

      Like

  9. I’m like you in that I need people, but can find it awkward once they’re actually there. I had a outside-the-circle childhood; never quite figured out the rhythm or the beat to which everyone else was marching. I’m still not quite there yet, but I find that as I get older I’m getting more centered and feel comfortable finding my own way as necessary. I still want to go that way with friends, but I can hack it on my own if need be.

    I’m wishing you success and joy on your journey. It seems like you’re making progress. Here’s a *hug*!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ahhh thanks Anna *hugs*

      I was never allowed close enough to the circle to ever really ‘get’ it, so I think I’ve turned out pretty quirky, but now I’m grown-up I’m finding people who don’t mind my quirkiness and making them my circle instead, which is much nicer.

      I’ve discovered even more this week, though, how MUCH I need people. I struggle so much when I’m lonely.

      Like

    • I didn’t know that. I didn’t know anyone else who hid from kids at school. I’m glad we both came out in the end and I’m glad I know you *HUGS*

      Like

  10. Pingback: When Reggae Was the Rhythm of Summer | GirlieOnTheEdge's Blog

  11. oh, I loved seeing how you have grown, reading right along with you. What a beautiful evolution. And you know what? It still isn’t done.
    Loneliness sucks – attaching to the wrong people sucks – but you only need one jackpot for it to stop sucking.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I like that you think it’s still not done, and I hope you’re right. I suppose we all still evolve a bit every day, with the right attitude. Mine’s all wrong at the moment and I just need to ride it out.

      I’ve hit the jackpot already though, and found my person. The suck is the geography between us.

      Like

  12. What a journey you have been on, Lizzi. Whenever I read about younger Lizzi and am sad for her, I remember that now Lizzi is surrounded by people who love her. I’m proud to be part of that amazing tribe. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so glad you are, Dana. SO glad. And thank you for being one of the people I consider my friends. I am very thankful and grateful to count you amongst the wonderful people who care about me 🙂 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Not that it can change anything now, but I wonder what it would have been like if that person from church had done something for you? Still, it is nice that she told you that.
    It’s so good that you have come through all that to feel loved and cared for now!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Plan C? You’ll have to tell me about that one.

    I understand extrovertism. I enjoy being around people, but it’s like what you said about being enforced- if I HAVE to socialize, I tend to dread it.

    I’m not sure about you being a bit much. You’re very easy to be around. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ahhh I’m glad you think so. I try to make sure I’m as easy to be with as possible. Most of the time it works out okay.

      Plan C is in the very VERY early stages and involves getting a degree FIRST so I have better earning potential to manage the massage therapy course and all it entails. It’s barely a thought at the moment, but because I do want a degree at some point TOO (because it makes sense) then I might see if I can do that first. Course, I might still need a job for a year first so I’m not paying extortionate tuition, so it might all be much of a muchness and back to square one, but we’ll see.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. You had the same wide smile as a child! I love it.
    You also got “We Belong” by Pat Benetar in my head. Do you know it? It’s a good song.
    I remember seeing your ‘Murica trip photos because you visited so many of our mutual friends and it just looked.. life-changing. Breathtaking.

    Liked by 1 person

    • YES! I DO know that song. How wonderful, and what a lovely song to have in your mind 🙂

      I had a smile which was just as shiny, at one point. I’m glad I got it back 😀

      Now I’m intrigued by how many mutual friends we have! I’m glad you liked the pics – I absolutely adore them because they bring back such glorious memories and so many beautiful moments. I quite understand why you’re in the photography business – capturing those memories is priceless. It was…yes, UTTERLY life-changing 😀 😀

      Like

  16. I get this, albeit on a very different level. I am by nature and introvert and being around people sometimes overwhelms me and drains me. But, I still have this desire for friendship and connection and I often complain to my husband that I don’t have any “best” friends. I don’t do girls’ weekends or girls’ nights our because I never get invited to them because I don’t have that kind of friends. I’m torn between wanting the connection and wanting to be alone with myself. Lovely post and I’m so glad you have found your friends. That is one benefit of blogging I didn’t expect when I started, but I’m so glad it happened!

    Liked by 1 person

    • So…you’ve found people here, too? I know somehow it doesn’t feel ‘real’ (until, one day, you meet people and it really DOES feel as real as you ever hoped it could) because it’s internet-computer-people, but it IS real, and it does matter. There are a few people online who have quite literally saved me from some incredibly dire situations, just through their love and care and spending time with me and letting me talk stuff through. I’m forever and ever thankful for them.

      I don’t think friendships in your day-to-day life can be overrated, though. I appreciate it’s a different deal being an introvert, and having people be quite draining to manage, but perhaps there’s another introvert, locally, you could hook up with for some low key coffee mornings or something. *Everyone* has a desire for friendship and connection, but it definitely needs to be manageable. I hope you find someone. We all need people 🙂

      Like

  17. Wow Lizzi, though you are on to new beginnings, I believe that this post is the last chapter of a book. It ends with an so unexpected uplift. I’m happy for your that through all of your up and down journeying, you have this incredible story and I just already feel that your future is awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Kenya – I wasn’t expecting my visit to America to change me (and my life) so drastically, but everything, everything has changed because of it, and all I can think is how WONDERFUL it is, and how grateful I am to my friends and family for all their support as I work towards achieving the dream.

      I’m so glad it looks like it’s going to be a happy ending – it certainly has been a tumultuous life so far, in many ways.

      Like

  18. I crave solitude the way you crave people – but I SO get it. I live with a little human who thrives around people, and gets terribly sad when he isn’t with friends.

    Have you found that a little alone time is a good thing? I’ve discovered that I DO like a dose of socializing, to balance out my intro tendencies.

    AND WHEN ARE YOU MOVING HERE?

    Liked by 1 person

    • A little alone time can be alright, but I think the difference is whether I choose it or whether it’s enforced. Enforced, I wither. If I choose it (and can UNchoose it), it’s not so bad and I can do things like write long, egocentric posts 😉

      I try very hard to understand introvertism. Some of my closest people are introverts, and I know I can sometimes (often) be A Bit Much.

      I’m moving there AS SOON AS I CAN! I need more savings and to figure out how the hell I’m going to do it. I’m onto Plan C at the moment…

      Liked by 1 person

  19. So much of this resonates with me. Too much for a comment…..perhaps I’ll have to write another post – yikes! That would be two this month and we’re not even half way through 🙂 I used to think I was alright without people – until I got some. Is it wrong to skive off work – I’m in an office All By Myself – to write something? That’s how last Friday’s post turned up 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think you should. I think you most definitely should 🙂 I hope you did (I spent the day doing Real, and missed all of the online!)

      I hope I get to read what resonated. 🙂

      Like

  20. Two things: (1) I want to punch your childhood in the face (not child you, just your childhood experience) and (2) I need to write a companion post for this: growing up as an introvert forced into nightmarish group activities, surrounded by loud, confident other kids and always yearning for the solitude of my bedroom and my books.

    Liked by 1 person

    • (1) But I’ve learned lots, and wouldn’t be who I am today without having gone through those things, so even though lots of them were awful and felt like the end of the world (and I’m sure I could easily convince myself that aspects of it all needed punching in the face), I’ve been altered maybe for the better as a result of working with the situations I went through.
      (2) Go for it!

      Liked by 2 people

  21. Ok so you did prefect perfect with the whole not making it a whiney bitchy thing like you’d worried about and thank you for the “favorite” and I love love LOVE the photo of little you who is totally adorable although saying that I also know you’ll only maybe see that and if so, only through my eyes (or other’s) but it’s true… and to wonder auntie seeing you and also me seeing you and also to both of us knowing that you are you without any of us… but to us having us, and knowing, and having All of it…

    Also, you were always wanted and loved, even before you ever came over to the US of A.

    PS I am flattered at the structure and you know why without me saying

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s a beautiful format; one of my favorites 😉 (thank you).

      And YAY! I’m glad it worked without being whiney. I was worried before, but I think ending on such a (huge, AMAZING, *wonderful*) positive note rather made it okay.

      I maybe see it – there are a few sweet pics of little-me (before me) knocking around. I think from 7 and under. As you know, there are a number from 7 onwards which entirely lose all semblance of ‘adorable’ and the longer they stay hidden, the better.

      WonderAunty sees me. She always has, and I’m so very thankful for her perspective and her constant love and building-up. And for you, and yours, because you’ve pretty much mostly always seen me.

      I am me, but very much adrift, without my people. I’m SO much better with, and having, and knowing, and the All 🙂 ❤

      And…thank you. I was so nervous before the trip, though, because it still might all have been just a glorious dream – it WAS a glorious dream, but one which came completely true and became REAL, and….wow 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  22. You’ve written so much it’s hard to digest!

    i too, have some very honest friendship throughout my blogging world, where in real life been let down hard and soft in some many ways,

    i now spend more time writing, very few acquaintances more than friendships…

    It’s all good!

    What really counts is that i’m happy right where i am!

    chris

    Liked by 1 person

    • lol, I looked at the word count at the end and figured it would be TL:DR for some people.

      Having honest, open friendships is WONDERFUL, wherever and however they happen, and the happiness which comes from contentment in ‘where you are right now’ is awesome. I’m glad you have that.

      Liked by 1 person

  23. Lizzi, now you’ve got me thinking about my alone times and peopleing times – long stretches of both – maybe there’s a pattern in thee somewhere. This is a wonderful piece. I do feel much the same about the many I’ve met in this world-spanning space. I was just thinking that if I were moving across the country what a long and zig-zag trip it would be to visit just a fraction of them – could take months. Thanks for sharing all this. re-blogging

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ahhh thank you for sharing this further 🙂

      And yes – I think you and I are much alike in having so many connections in this World Between the Wires. I think you found me via Hasty and decided to stay, and you’ve astonished and humbled me with your stickability and levels of engagement with my writing, with me, ever since 🙂

      That zig-zaggy journey might well take months, but just THINK how incredible it could be 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  24. Your story breaks my heart, but at the same time (when I see it as a whole and don’t pick apart certain time periods) it makes me happy because of growth, and sunshine after the storm, and all that cliche shit that sums up quite perfectly what you’ve gone through to get where you are. And look at you now! What a difference a few years make. ((who is the crazy friend of yours that has to drop an F-bomb even when she’s talking about missing you?? What a weirdo)) hehehe

    **that photo of little Lizzi…..your smile is the same. Your exuberance is the same. I love it. ❤

    THIS: "Alone, I fail to thrive, but ‘together’ I am stronger than I could ever have imagined. I am made for relationship, and ‘together’, I am finally, gloriously, enough. It’s impossible to love in a vacuum, and I’ve finally discovered the secret and saving of my world – you; My People."

    I'm so happy to be a part of your "my people".

    *glee*

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hee hee. I think that pic is probably one of the last ones of me which holds that exuberance. I’d say I look about 7 in it, and I know I had glasses after not too long around the same time things all started changing for the worse. Guess I really AM still ‘me’, in the end.

      And…now I’m *here*, and from this side of things, I’m thankful for it all. I don’t like that it happened, but I’ve learned SO much about family, friendship, inclusivity, empathy, love…all from having a growing-up so besieged by the ‘How Not To’s. Thank GOODNESS for those few years, and for such wonderful people around me to nurture, encourage, and guide me 😀

      And that friend – the sweary one? One of my favourite people in the world 🙂 ❤

      Like

  25. There’s so much in this I can relate to, Lizzie. I love that pic of you. So adorable. Ya know, it’s really hard growing up. Going from young child to adolescent is full of losses that we forget to notice as adults (in our own children). Your loss of the gang really put a pin in my heart. I felt that pain, too. Lovely post!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much, Lisa. And YAY to you loving the pic (I assume the one of me being all little and grinny and stuff 😉 ). I don’t know if my losses were more marked by how significant they were in contrast to my lacks, or whether they were less marked by how little I understood because of the lacks. It was all very complex and it’s only now I have enough distance (a few lifetimes on) to really begin untangling it without getting caught again.

      I’m glad I conveyed it well, though – that’s awesome to know 🙂

      Like

  26. I think there’s a certain strength in someone who can both be with people and be alone, and I think you have found that strength, particularly because you are there, and we are here. But your heart is safe. That I can guarantee you. I miss you. Every day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I miss you too, my Squishy. I’m glad my heart is safe, and I absolutely trust that. And my shoes, too 😉

      I’m developing the strength to be alone, but only because I’m never *really* alone. Not any more.

      Liked by 1 person

  27. Ahem… Real comment – I am so so glad that you found Your Friends. There’s nothing more important. I too I ‘absolutely wither without people’ – and a better way of seeing it said I haven’t seen. You’ll find your way to be amongst your people, where you deserve to be. I loved Ally McBeal too! And there’s so much truth in that observation about loneliness. I FOMO like crazy when I’m not where I want to be, but I know true friendship and the happiness it brings and how it feels to be immersed in real connection… and it’s treasure.

    Liked by 1 person

    • *grinning huge* I think David E. Kelley is a total genius at highlighting the threads of what make us human. So much of that show has stayed with me.

      I’m so glad you know what I mean, and that you’ve found your People as well. You’ve changed your stars and moved across the world and you’re living life on your terms and you’re SUCH an inspiration to me to keep going, keep trying, keep figuring out how to make it happen. It’s SO worth it.

      ‘Treasure’ is absolutely the right way to describe it. That connection is pure gold 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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