“I wish I found some better sounds no one’s ever heard,
I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words…”
It’s all gone out of the window this week, as I knew it would. Jetlag is a beast, especially when (through lack of any remaining annual leave) you have to crash-land back into work less than a full day after travelling 6 hours into the future. I’ve spent the week in a haze of exhaustion, trying to keep up with my Muricans (that will never change) and wishing I didn’t feel as though I was pining for them quite so blatantly. Felt like it bordered on disrespectful, especially when I’m back amongst my people here, and am oh, so VERY thankful for them…
Perhaps they’d see it differently. I suspect they’d approach my sadness with a far more compassionate perspective than the one I’ve been viewing myself with. But I’m tired. I’m *really* tired, and I’ve been sleeping most peculiarly, trying to reacclimatise to life in the UK. I wish I had more encouraging things to say. Less whining. Less yearning for a future which, no matter how much I wish it, won’t happen with any more celerity than all the time it takes to occur, and all the steps taken in between.
Changed my name though, and that’s a HUGE step.
I missed this, last week, though I don’t like to assume I was missed. I think I caught a few posts amidst the fog, and was pleased to note the coding, co-hosts, and contributors were all carrying on most effectively without need for any input from me. And so I slept.
I was grateful for a work schedule which put me in the office on Monday and Wednesday, allowing me the grace of accidental naps (not too many, and with grinning co-workers calling me awake again) in a safer way than had I been driving. I was super EXTRA grateful for the weather, which saved the best bits for the days I was out running clinics (they involve a lot of to-ing and fro-ing, from my van to the doctor’s surgery, to shuffle patients around in a kind of ‘NHS Musical Chairs’, as I stage-manage the different sections of their appointments, and on wet days it’s absolutely MISERABLE).
I was HUGELY thankful for a really good meeting with my ED therapist this week. She gave me lots to think about, some of which was echoed (independently) by friends, and that’s given me huge pause for thought. There’s a possibility that my perspectives are shifting, and that’s SUCH a good thing. It would enable hitherto unthought of alterations in the way I view then-me, and consequently, the way I’m able to see now-me; something I’ve struggled with for a long time.
“I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink
But now I’m insecure and I care what people think”
All of my paragraphs seem to begin with “I…”, which is fine (as a self-professed egocentric blogger), but feels too focussed, for right now. I have to look outwards in thankfulness to the friends and family who have gathered around me (literally and metaphorically) to get me through the week. I’m delighted to NOT have dropped off into an abyss of depression, though there have been low moments, and the only tears which poured down my face whilst cycling to work were a result of the wind and extreme cold (as opposed to last time I came back from Murica, when it was utter devastation and grief).
Naps. I’m SO thankful for naps. I think my longest this week was a few hours, and my shortest was five minutes. I’m so grateful for each and every one of them.
Glad I was able to keep up with the onslaught of writing deadlines I managed to run into this week, what with the kick-off of the new Murder, We Wrote series, and 1000Speak’s anniversary celebration, and this, and Finish the Sentence Friday…I’m almost up to speed, and I have an idea for something to write about the whole ‘perspective’ thing. I’m most thankful for the way my writing here connects me to other people, enables me to establish friendships and allows joy far greater than could be contained on any page.
There are no new photos on my phone. There weren’t that many taken, as memories, and I wish now that I’d sucked less at that. I wish I’d tried to capture more moments to look back on, rather than just living them. I’m thankful that so many of my friends DID take photographs, and at some point I need to execute a mass-photo-steal, possibly even going back as far as September, so I have those memories to look back on. That said, I’m enormously thankful for both visits, for the friends who looked after me and kept me, and made them both possible. I’m even more thankful for the learning experiences, the ways I’ve grown and changed as a result of those trips, and most thankful of all for the incredible memories, and for the changes I hope to make to my future as a result.
I’m thankful for VidChat, and about to abandon this complete mess of a post to go join it, to talk to people in real (and really varied) time. I miss that. I miss them.
“Wish we could turn back time to the good ol’ days” (even if the good ol’ days weren’t so long ago…)
Happy weekend, TToTers. Glad to be here, and trying my hardest to be grateful for each moment. Because Now is all we have.
Have a video to enjoy. And tell me – what’s been occupying your thoughts this week?