Ten Things of Thankful 135 (Looking Forward) #10Thankful

In the beginning – the VERY beginning – the Ten Things of Thankful were used as justification to continue to the next day.

I was in my late teens, coming gradually out of the darkness and misery of bullying and abuse from what felt like all corners (in reality it was only home and school, but that was sufficient). I was mentally and emotionally spent, finding safety in dreams and wishing for death because it seemed preferable (if not easier) to quit than struggle onwards, towards a future which seemed as bleak as the past. 

Last weekend I got flashbacked, quite suddenly, to some of the times before those years – before I decided if I thought about it and could pick JUST TEN things which I liked about the day, I would choose to give tomorrow a try. The before-years were just about keeping my head down and surviving. Existing, because I had to, and because it was expected. No imagination to try to escape, just resignation and acceptance that somehow this misery was all I was worth, because for so many years, no-one tried to change it for me, and goodness knows *I* didn’t know how.

I remembered many awful things, which upset me and left me crying and in meltdown-mode. Since then, I’ve talked more about those years, and have discovered that whilst I was going through them, I didn’t talk. Damn right I didn’t talk – I think by then I’d learned that my pain was something to be scored points with. My hurt brought happiness to others. I didn’t want to give the satisfaction. And I didn’t want to make it all worse with intervention – being the weak little wussybaby who cried to her mummy and needed rescuing.

I *did* need rescuing though. I learned this week that with disappointingly regular frequency (though for less harrowing reasons) I *still* need rescuing. I need my hand held and the next steps pointed out to me. I need boosting, ootzing, cajoling and encouraging. I am the epitome of the reluctant, anxious pre-walker, who you know full well CAN step out by themself, but just hasn’t got the confidence yet, and refuses to try.

The Ten Things of Thankful returned when, in the midst of intensely challenging personal circumstances, I lost a baby, very early on. Followed a few months later by another. I couldn’t see my way to any kind of future which would be good and worthwhile, so I reverted to finding my Ten every day, bargaining that if they existed, I would continue to tomorrow and see if there were another Ten.

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There always were, and supported by good and wonderful people, who had encouraged me in the seeking of Ten Things of Thankful, and who had taken inspiration and sometimes begun to find their own Tens, the hop was founded, that each week, we all might reflect on the things in our life which make it worth living.

They’re always there, even when they’re really really hard won.

Today, though, my Ten deal with the future, because this week really hasn’t been one worth looking back on. It’s been full of bad feels and low moments, bereft of sunshine and sans glitter. And it was COLD. It’s still cold, but I can see the daylight glimmering ever brighter at each end of the day, and I know each day that passes brings us closer to the bright, golden days of summer; of bone-drenching heat and skin-shimmering glory; of long, lazy nights outside and the sound of the blackbirds still singing us goodnight at 10pm; of bees buzzing merrily about their work, and the scent of hot tarmac mixing with brilliant floral notes from the gorgeous arrays in people’s front gardens. My favourite season WILL return, sooner than I think.

But before, amidst, around and beyond that, there are Thankfuls.

I’m thankful I managed to register with a dentist over the phone this morning, who arranged an appointment for me on Monday evening to have a check-up and get a surgical referral to have at least one wisdom tooth extracted. That will be SUCH a relief to have done (and sub-grat items include the low cost of all the treatment, thanks to the NHS, and that I can just stroll into comprehensive dental support with such ease).

I’m thankful there is a glorious month-by-month breakdown of the Things I Must Do before my plan to move to Murica is possible. I’m HUGELY lucky to have WonderAunty as my project manager, and my friends H and S as supporters, co-paperworkers, and business-model-dummy-run-volunteers.

I’m VERY thankful (and excited) that I get to return to the US next month (SO SOON!) to establish work roots and see a few people. I’m so very fortunate to have people who want to see me; to have the time and means to go see them; to even have stumbled across such amazing humans in this World Between the Wires, and to have earned their friendship…I’m humbled and honoured and INCREDIBLY thankful.

Hardwired Heart

I’m thankful for all the possibilities and opportunities my US move (when it eventually happens) will bring – for meeting friends I’ve only known online; for re-meeting friends I’ve met before; for work; for personal growth; for perseverance and hope and business and the success of even having TRIED.

I’m thankful to exist in a time of this world when people seem to be making and cherishing connections across vast distances; for the technological advances which allow close relationships to be maintained and nurtured in spite of Geography; for a world which is so much more linked up, and which is becoming more aware of (and more compassionate towards) those humans less fortunate, or in need. I’m always thankful for movements and organisations which support the thriving of those who struggle. I’m thankful these important institutions are being given ever more credence and endorsement.

I’m thankful for the far-off future, and the idea that those people will one day look back on our generations as the time when their future began. I hope they’re pleased with the choices we make…I hope we realise our responsibilities in choosing! I suspect there will always be visionaries who want to improve the world, and I’m thankful to know some in the here and  now, who just want the world to be better, more nurturing, and more filled with compassion, empathy, and wonder. I’m thankful for Our Land, which is the model for such a place, and for 1000Speak (next Wednesday), which aims to write into the world with healing, compassion, and togetherness.

There will always be visionaries

I’m thankful for tomorrow, when I will see Niece and Neff, and hope to get a game of Scrabble in with mum. I’m thankful for big changes in the offing. I’m thankful for a few minutes hence, when I will hit publish and go to make myself a cup of tea, and see who’s around on the Bloggy VidChat (Fridays, timed *something* depending on your timezone).

I’m thankful for all my Tens, and that I’m still here to enjoy them, and to survey the movement which began when someone, expanding on my humble beginnings, remarked “Hey, this is something I think a lot of people would like to join in with…” (or words to that effect).

I’m thankful for you, here, reading this, wondering whether/how to participate. Even if you don’t have a list of Ten, just say hi, and think of some of the good things you’ve got going on in life, and share them, so we can celebrate together. I’m looking forward to that.

 

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83 thoughts on “Ten Things of Thankful 135 (Looking Forward) #10Thankful

  1. Wisdom tooth — mother lover….I feel ya girl. There are three things I’m terrified of. Spiders, dead bodies, and dentists. When I had my wisdom teeth out, I lied about my weight so that they drugged me up so much I almost choked on the gauze that they put in my mouth. Like I swallowed it and choked on it. Then I high fived the dentist. I was embarrassing so I was told by my husband.
    Me and drugs don’t mix.
    So you’re moving to America? I had no idea. Why didn’t I know this? Like on a working Visa or like as a resident of the USA? Trump allows this stuff — just kidding. I couldn’t resist.
    I hope this week has glitter.
    Want me to mail you this?
    PS. You are not my enemy…but I heard it’s a shit ton of glitter.
    https://shipyourenemiesglitter.com/

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello lovely lady 🙂 I really do want the wisdom tooth gone. I’m more anxious about it being left in, than having it taken out. Dentists (fortunately) hold no fear for me. Nor spiders. Nor dead bodies. Ummm…

      Sounds like you had quite the experience there, though!

      YES I’m going to be moving to Murica, if I possibly can. I’m hoping to come on a working visa first, but then maybe apply for dual citizenship in the end. Perhaps. Trump would doubtless try to send me packing.

      And um…so far the week has SUNSHINE, so no need for glitter (who am I kidding? There’s always a need for glitter)
      P.S. It makes me sad that site makes glitter a bad thing…

      Like

  2. I enjoyed reading a little more of you history and realizing the journey you have been on over these many years. It is wonderful that you are able to look back and not be held prisoner by your experiences and thoughts. As others see you doing that, you are giving them hope. You have such a wonderful way of expressing yourself. Have a great week!

    Liked by 1 person

    • There are ways in which I’m still very much a prisoner, but I’m working on my attitude to that. I’m getting there. I suppose it’s all part of the process, and not going to happen in any faster time than it takes to get done and changed for good.

      Thanks though, Pat – it helps to think that I can give hope to other people through honesty and writing.

      Like

  3. As I read the beginning of this post, all I kept thinking about was this: look at this thing, this Ten Things of Thankful Bloghop. Look how huge it is, how popular. Look at how appreciated, valued and cherished by so many. A ripple in a pond, gone wave in an ocean. It’s you Lizzi. All you.
    You survived the bullying, the abuse, the self doubt….you survive the bouts of the “darkness”. Your gift is knowing there is more. There is always more. For you. Remember the things you’ve forgotten. Look at the then and see the now.

    I can’t believe you will be here again so soon! I hope there’s time for us to meet for a spot of tea 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • We will make it so! When suits you best?

      I always thought the TToT would do well, for the same reasons the ten thankfuls used to keep me going – I think it taps into a good that’s bigger than me (bigger than all of us) and makes us sit up and pay attention.

      I’m glad to have had the idea, and especially glad to have always had the support of my co-hosts, and ‘regulars’ like yourself. It built its own community after a while, and we all belong, which is lovely.

      “Remember the things you’ve forgotten” YES! Thank you…that’s so important, and something I forget to do. In juxtaposition, I am leagues ahead of where I used to be, and am ever more Becoming who I would like to be. I’m SO thankful for that.

      Thank you ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • We’ll have to firm that up when you’re here I suppose!

        It so does tap in and let’s face it, forcing, cajoling, tricking our own selves into stepping back and taking stock of the good things in our lives is absolutely critical to gaining healthy perspective.
        Looks to me like you have the support of hundreds! of folks all over the world. That is very special.
        Another wise clark we know, often reminds me of this same thing. To remember….

        Liked by 1 person

        • A useful thing to be reminded of, and perhaps too often a case of not seeing the wood for the trees.

          But yes – having so much support is inredible – it’s a HUGE boost to know that my friends are behind me and encouraging every step of the way 🙂 I’m ever so lucky.

          And YES let’s firm things. Do you still have my number from before? Hmmm that reminds me, I need to make sure that number’s going to work ok!

          Like

  4. Pingback: * Back and Forth | Teachezwell Blog

  5. Reblogged this on Teachezwell Blog and commented:
    This is Lizzi at her best, although she might say her “worst.” When I first read her Ten Things of Thankful (TToT), I was hooked. This particular Sunday, as she looks both behind and forward, you can see why I admire this blogger. Lizzi is a terrific writer and that alone is worth a read. But her heart is so passionate and she writes unflinchingly about all kinds of tough situations, consistently humorous in the midst. Don’t be intimidated by its length (hey, we all like to talk, right?). She’s planning another trip to Murica! I’m still not sure why I thought Murica was in Spain. I mean, she made this fantastic journey to the US last year, marked by a clear map of the ocean and this country,and I STILL thought she was in Spain. I’d encourage fellow bloggers to ignore my geographic tics, read her posts, and sign on for TTof T.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I didn’t talk. Damn right I didn’t talk – I think by then I’d learned that my pain was something to be scored points with. My hurt brought happiness to others.
    This part caught my eye.
    Not so much to talk, in order for others to listen and tell you the answer. Rather talk so that the words (from that voice from that place) are said out loud. Who we talk to is critical. In that I agree with the idea that some people thrive on the suffering of others.
    If we talk to those with whom we can identify, then (imo) we are free to say out loud the things that we say to ourselfs, quietly, unchallenged. I was talking to someone yesterday about this, how, when we’re in our heads trying to argue that we’re not (fill in the negative blank), we have already lost the argument. But when we bring it out of our heads, into the company of non-judgement friends, then and only then are we able to see that there is an alternative to what we feel in our only options.
    stuff like that, ya know?

    Be a dear and tell Laura that once we agree on our times being worlds, (both real and virtual) apart, we will surely find our home in (new) New Rochelle bustling with repartee, asides, innuendae, sage advice and bon mots, aplenty.

    Rob

    Liked by 2 people

    • Our times surely need to match better, though I’m not sure forward (or back) in time is the thing, but perhaps better preparation (certainly on my part) in being available at the time which it’s meant to begin!

      I was waylaid by Real, and overwhelm, and all the things. Usually the timing is fine (give or take) and certainly I seem to join when other people have turned up, as a rule!

      Yes, you’re right about the people we talk to being critical. I think finding people who understand, who can identify and provide solidarity, are so SO key.

      I didn’t find anyone like that until I was 16. Since then, I didn’t really find people like that until a few years ago, in this wonderful world between the wires. I think that’s why I like it so much here – the surfeit of solidarity.

      Like

  7. I am very grateful that there are people like you who set examples on how to cope for other people who have been bullied. Looking into the future at things to be thankful for is a great idea, and not just for people who have been bullied. Hugs++++, M

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Margaretha, that’s a really, really wonderful thing to hear. I’m kind of shaping my 1000 Voices for Compassion post around this topic, because it’s something which seems to be very ‘surface’ at the moment.

      But the thankfuls are wonderful anyway, and for everyone. They always seem to make a difference, and the attitude around this hop, in all its participants, is wonderful 🙂

      *hugs*

      Like

    • Cathy, your comment to me the other day was so, SO astonishingly wonderful and completely out of the blue…you’ve inspired the post I’m going to write for 1000Speak…I was so incredibly touched and astonished and amazed, really, that I’d made any kind of difference, and had such a positive impact on you.

      Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Because you might have changed something quite big in me, or at least set that change in motion. ❤

      Like

  8. I adore your TToT every week. I was here SECOND, btw 😉 but I got distracted by you and Matticus warring over firsts over on my post, hahaha!

    Your writing picks me up on a cloud and carries me on a lovely journey through your passionate and compassionate futuristic world, it gives me hope for the human race that I don’t always feel. I know you think you are a ‘taker’ but it’s simply not true. In fact, I don’t think you could give more of yourself. You have a beautiful mind, my friend.

    Love you, xo.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heheheh that was a FUN WAR though, and I totally won (though I think next time will be more tricky as he now knows The Method!)

      I’m sat here smiling at your gorgeous words, and THANK YOU for them, and for you. I really *do* feel like a taker, all the time, but I’m beginning to see the places where I give, and to recognise the impact of my actions in those places. And that is quite wonderous, sometimes, to see.

      I love the way you described what my writing does to you. That’s frikkin AWESOME and I hope to keep doing it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve no doubt your writing will keep taking me to new and hopeful places, it’s part of your style! I know you *feel* like a taker but I’m glad you can sometimes see your impact, and I’ll keep pointing it out.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thank you – I’d love it if you did, because I tend to be a bit thick about that kind of thing, more often than not, I’m afraid to say!

          I hope my writing takes you to hopeful places. I hope it does that for as many people as possible!

          Liked by 1 person

  9. .” I need my hand held and the next steps pointed out to me” That is how I am feeling today. I wish someone could say, you will do this today and tomorrow this will happen and you will find your direction..so I hope the move goes as well as you expect. There are days that I wonder if people that move here are disappointed to find things the way they are now..with the bickering and negativity going around..guess I am having a down day…and I do hope things go well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • *hugs* I hate those down-day feelings. They can be so tough to shake, and all the negatives ring so LOUD!

      Thanks for the best wishes. I think the thing which gives me most hope is that I’m not trying to move over because I love America, per se, but because of the people I’ve found there, and the people I love there.

      I think I totally need my hand held. Life would be so much easier if people could just point the way for us, and tell us when we’re about to trip over something and hurt ourselves…I hope you find direction soon 🙂

      Like

  10. I’m so sorry that it was a dark spot that inspired the TToT, but on the other hand, I think the fact that it did come out of such a place gives it a level of importance and authenticity that it would not otherwise convey–at least not to such an extent.

    As always, you write beautifully.

    Have you heard of Sparkle Screen? Imagine sunscreen with glitter, and you’ve got the idea.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think you just blew my mind – Sparkle Screen sounds AMAZING! I’ll look out for it this summer. I have a sudden hankering for some SUNSHINE!

      And yes…it came from a truly horrible patch (well, patches) of life, but I think that’s how so many good things start – we have to know the bad in order to appreciate the value of the good, and the worth in proliferating it rather than just luxuriating in it. Good is too easy to take advantage of.

      I heard something earlier from WonderAunty (and she got it from someone she knows) which was about making the worst experiences precious, and seeing their value and impact, and their potential for inspiring good. It’s got me thinking.

      Like

  11. What beautiful way to cope. Just beautiful. I am thankful for my sister/ friend Jeanie, who I only met 5 years ago, but who has taught me so much about life, and who has also been a tremendous mentor. We completely support each other.

    Liked by 1 person

    • She sounds like an utterly amazing friend, and I’m so glad you have her in your life. How wonderful. I love that you COMPLETELY support each other – I have a couple of people who are there for me NO MATTER WHAT, and it’s amazing. Truly. It makes such a difference, because it’s the support of me as a person, in all my triumphs and challenges, rather than necessarily in what I do or choose, which seems to be making all the difference. I’m so glad you have that 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Oh my goodness – I love this post. I love everything about it: the beautiful writing, the beautiful feeling and the sense of trudging on – for we all feel these things.
    And you’re coming back?!? Woohoo! Good for you. I do find myself wishing I could live in Europe – Spain, the UK or Italy…more often than not. One day. One Day.
    And…there’s this book I’ve been reading: The Magic. I totally thought of you as I’ve read because it’s all about changing your life through the continuous act of gratitude. Powerful stuff.
    Sending hugs and best wishes for awesomeness to come your way as you get ready to come to the US.

    Liked by 1 person

    • *HUGS* Thank you so much! I’d love for some awesomeness to come my way…if it came in the form of extra hours and energy in the day, that would be *perfect*

      The Magic sounds good. I’ve been trying to read Ann Voskamp’s 1000 gifts, which is also all about gratitude, and the writing is so rich I can only read it in nibbles – it’s like trying to eat condensed milk or something!

      I think you’d LOVE Europe, and if you get the chance, I think you’d enjoy Italy or Spain far more than the UK -the weather is better, for one!

      And thanks. The trudging…ohmigosh. I trudged another bunch of boxes tonight and they’re out in the car waiting to be trudged in, in daylight tomorrow, and trudged up to the loft. THAT SAID I’m so lucky to have a place to trudge them TO 😉

      Like

      • You persevere . . . you let it out, you don’t let it stop you and you find a lesson in the midst of it all. You find reasons to be thankful. You share when sometimes it might be easier not to, you show everyone who reads your words that there is beauty and light and sparkly-twinkly-good-stuff out there, even in the darkness. You encourage others even when you may yourself be discouraged, you care, you shine, you inspire. I could go on 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • You’re amazing. A large part of me (the part which feels ‘meh’ and lazy and low, and as if I’ve wasted a day doing nothing of consequence, and as though it doesn’t matter anyhow, because I feel all burdensome again) is astonished that you see all that in my writing, and in my character.

          A tiny, tiny part acknowledges that you might be right, and that even though it feels like just a slog to me, and writing a joyous hobby, which doesn’t make a difference…maybe…MAYBE…it does 🙂 ❤ ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  13. Absolutely beautiful. You have come SO FAR. And oh, how I just adore your heart- your tenacity to find and hold onto GOOD things, to get you through all the ‘tomorrows’.

    I’m so glad you shared with everyone the background to this amazing TToT mission… it deserves to be highlighted. ONE MONTH!!! ONE MONTH!!!

    I am praying for all of it. Always… ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so glad that I’ve come a long way. I really needed to, and I know I have further still to go, but that’s what ‘BECOMING’ is all about, I guess. It will take a lifetime, and even then there’ll be room for improvement.

      But I am determined to make it through. I have such good reason, and SUCH wonderful people to look forward to.

      I don’t think I’ve gone into this much depth of the background for a while – some of it’s on the main ttot page, but perhaps not all.

      TWO WEEKS BABY! Not a month 😀

      And thanks always for your prayers. I’m sure they help ❤ ❤ ❤

      Like

    • Thanks Helene. It really made all the difference in the world. I never intended it to become such a big deal, or to spark such wonderful community as those who rock up each weekend, yet…somehow the persistence in being thankful has turned each person’s life into something quite remarkable, worth committing to! It’s amazing to behold 🙂

      I hope your thankful items are ones which really help you when you’re feeling low. If nothing else, they’re quite anchoring, even if they don’t necessarily improve how you *feel* in any given moment 🙂

      Like

  14. I’m thankful for you, even if I haven’t been around much to say it lately. I’m thankful for finding stars on my desk in the middle of my work day and looking at my drink coaster every time I take a sip of water, which takes me back to the day when I received it. The great conversation that came before and after and the ones that have yet to be had.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bless your boots, Squishy, mine ❤ I'm so thankful for you, too – for the conversations we had and the ones we will have; for all the times spent and times yet to spend. For plans and memories and happiness and great friendship 🙂 (and glitter and starry skies, always .,,-*"*-.,,.-*"*-.,,.-)

      Liked by 1 person

  15. My first read of the day…glad of that. Lovely TTOT Lizzi. I’m not up to blogging my Thankfuls this Weekend, but at least (Thanks to you) I’m starting my day mindful of them 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Pingback: 10 Gastronomic Delights Of Gascony | Equine Guided Growth Retreats

  17. Yay for services such as NHS. Not all places are so lucky.
    I am disappointed I had to miss out on the vidchat this week, but I kept trying to connect and couldn’t seem to get it. What did I miss? How many people made it there this time?

    Liked by 1 person

      • I know how important the healthcare part of it is, as without it I would’ve been in trouble a long time ago, but I also know what you mean about needing the guidance and the handholding. For me it’s more like arm holding.
        🙂
        Being unable to see means you rely on people a lot and often feel like a burden. Being supported and taking steps on your own is important too. I’m still working on that.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I guess no one got through this week to the chat… ah well, next week beckons! I am so jealous of NHS! I love your conversation here you two… I need to join the club of people stepping on their own this week… otherwise I am gonna sit still for another week…unacceptable…so frustrating.

          Liked by 1 person

          • The Chat was unsuccessful in the extreme! Poor Clark. Poor all of us – it sounds like a week when having the chat would have been really good!

            The NHS is something I really REALLY think is amazing and massively important. I do worry about what they’re going to do with it in future.

            Let’s all resolve to try to make worthwhile, positive steps this week. Somehow. In some way.

            So sorry you’re feeling frustrated. I wish there was a way I could help.

            Like

        • We’re almost parallel there, then – something we’re both trying to work on and improve at.

          I guess I should be thankful we both have such good and generous supporters, and leave it at that, without dissecting it any more.

          Liked by 1 person

    • Oh I like that! Thank you 😀 ‘Resilient’ was one of my words for this year that I hoped to embody, so that’s truly encouraging 🙂

      And thank you! This is the kind of hop you can pop in and out of, as you wish, if you wish. It’s a low-key, no-obligation kind of thing, and you’d be welcome any time you felt like trying it 🙂

      Like

    • Yeah, great thankfuls for the future, and a sub-thankful I didn’t have to be thankful for the things which I would have been thankful for in the week gone by, because those thankfuls (whilst validly thankful) were not the kind of thankfuls one writes a thankful post about. Thankfully!

      Like

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