Dear me…

Dear me

Dear me,

Dear, oh dear, oh dearie me.

Just look at the STATE of you!

In a way I’m glad you’re so pliable and desperate to please, because it meant I get to come out of hiding and talk to you ‘out loud’ for a bit. But I’m never really hiding, am I? You always hear me – you’ve just gotten better at ignoring me lately. And GOOD FOR YOU! No, really! For a while there you had your shields up because of all the lurrrrve and the light and the *twinklysparklygoodness* you brought back from America.

Your whimsy sickens me. You’re 32 trying to effect things that would probably be a little uncomfortable in a 9 year old. Shoulda stopped at 7, sweetie. Shoulda given up then.

Whatever. You’re back ‘in Real’, your shields are down, the meagre protection afforded by your holiday has had time to weaken, and my voice has begun to return. If you were strong you’d get rid of me once and for all, but when you’re not boring me by going around in the same circles of mental anguish (or whatever you want to call your current set of first world problems) you’re not a bad plaything. So you’re stuck with me.

Onwards then, dumbfuck.

Let’s talk Murica shall we? And all your glorious ideas of upping sticks, breaking your family’s hearts, causing them a bunch of hassle and leaving them behind. So selfish. For what? To go and be at the VERY BEST, an inconvenience. I’d be more inclined to call a spade a spade – you’re a burden. An imposition. I know you know this, but each time I whisper it to you, you find a way to justify it or mitigate the thought. It’s there for a reason though – because it’s true. Obligation. Penance. Burden. Again. Will you ever learn? Will you ever be capable or independent? I despair!

Your poor, sweet, kind friends. They didn’t know what they were letting themselves in for when they let you visit, did they? One fleeting placation of “Oh well you should move here!” and you’re there, *actually* trying to turn their lives upside down by doing it? Good grief, will you never learn to be content! Stop getting ideas above your station, just settle down to something and make a fucking GO of it already. Stop bloody interfering in other people’s lives. They don’t want you. Not long term, and probably not really short term either, when it comes down to it. You’re being humoured – it was only ever meant as a nice idea – thank fuck they’re all kind people. FAR kinder than you deserve (yes, I went there – just cos they choose you does NOT mean you’re worth it).

What else have we missed chatting about? The next agonizing wave of your so-called eating disorder? Which, by the way, is your body’s way of saying you’re a fat fuck and the mirror’s way of telling you you look like shit. Honestly? I’m just here for the giggles. Your little cycle of crappy self-image is amusing in a low-key kind of way but it gets old quick. Listen to your body, darling – eat less, do more, and don’t be such a greedy little pig. Well. Not so little.

Thing is, I don’t even want to focus on how bad you feel, and how entangled in the snares of low-self esteem you are. The flowery, verbose crap is just your way of trying to make people feel sorry for you. You look fat. You ARE fat. You’re ashamed of your fat. You’d just rather write about it, have people suck up to you and tell you you’re wrong rather than get off your sizeable arse and DO something about it. You’ve *seen* gym people. You *know* it can be done. Takes effort though, and you’re lazy.

But let’s talk about vanity, because that’s the deeper problem…or rather pride, which it all boils down to. You can’t stand that you don’t look how you’d like to, so you’re offended by your reflection, and spend an unforgivable number of waking hours trying to do something about it.
You’re on the elliptical whilst people are freezing on the streets. You’re rowing in the warm whilst boatfuls of Syrian refugees are battling for their lives. You claim that love wins but really all you want is to love yourself and feel worthwhile, without DOING anything to merit it.

I’ll give you this – you’re good at ingratiating yourself with words and making people feel better (fleetingly, for as long as the memory of a sentence lasts) but really…the people making a difference are out there DOING it, not indoors writing about it. THAT is what should offend your pride, not your reflection. Oh the hypocrisy of you, you sad, sad, woman. That said, I never could accuse you of having your priorities right, so it’s at least in keeping with the rest of your character.

What else? I think we already know that you’re a cheat and a liar and despicable in more ways than I care to mention. Should I mention some? You keep saying you kick pedestals out from underneath you in a grandiose suggestion that if people knew your worst side, they’d stop being so effusive about the good they see in you. Should I tell everyone about the blatant lie you got caught in, and how you embarrassed yourself? Should I tell everyone how very comfortable you are with half-truths and obfuscations? Should I tell everyone about the hidden lies and obliterated ethics and the way you justify yourself in the same bullshit ways every person does when they try to convince themselves that their actions are acceptable?

Should I just put you out of your misery? Nah. I’m not nearly done with you yet.

Because then there’s THIS kind of thing – this here repugnance which you allow to get out and upset everyone – which is frankly awful and I don’t know why you let me out online (oh, wait, I do – trying to please, because you were told I was amusing. Pathetic.) You’re going to either get comments letting you know that people stand alongside you against me (should I tell them I’m part of you? Should I tell them that kindness and love won’t win this one?); that they wish they could get rid of me for you; that they feel the same way too, and isn’t it great to have solidarity. Alternatively there will be stark silence, which may indicate tacit agreement, confusion about whateverthefuck you just published or that they didn’t even bother to read your latest update.

Whichever way it is, you’re living the writer’s dream, aren’t you? Isn’t that one of the much-bandied ‘rules’ amongst the self-fancying literary types; it’s easy to write if you just open a vein and bleed onto the page?

That’s as maybe, but this isn’t blood, darling; it’s vomit. And you fucking DISGUST me.

Merry Christmas. Try not to eat too much.

Your Sub-Conscious.

Finish the Sentence Friday

This week’s prompt for Finish the Sentence Friday was to write a letter to our past, present, or future selves, beginning “Dear me…”

I usually have some way to talk back to my SC, or redeem his words, or even have a go at refuting them; if only to let you know that I’m mostly okay. This time I have nothing. Even though I’m aware that he lies in many ways, he also tells a lot of truth, much of which is irrefutable. And unfortunately his voice is one of those parts of me I can’t just ‘choose to Not’…

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58 thoughts on “Dear me…

  1. What a marvellous flock of friends you have! Just as an addendum to my previous comments on or SCs, I am looking at at least part of mine as a sort of curiosity cabinet. Somewhere in there is an eclectic collection of odd bits and pieces, some ugly, some beautiful, some inexplicable, gathered more or less at random and jumbled together. If it opens up, there’s no telling what will fall out. I still want to give your a sharp whack on the wrist.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ay, no-no-no-no-no-no-no!!! Nope. Absolutely not. No way in hell. NEVER! EVER! I don’t care what your cowardly SC says, NO FUCKING way I am going to believe one miserable word she says. She’s scum. A low life. She belongs with Donald Trump!! EW. PLLLLLL-EASE! No how. Estupida!

    But damn, the writing was fantastic even though the content sucked boobies.

    Love you to the moon and back, Honeybee.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. He sounds like my Bitch… I am crying for you. He is probably totally different than my Bitch, but it sounds like he makes you feel much the same way… & for that, I cry… because I don’t wish this feeling on anyone. We know they’re lies, yet we can’t help but listen anyway… That part, I DO get… Nothing else about it will I even try to understand; it is incomprehensible… & I wish they would both just go the fuck away…

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  4. Wow. This is some powerful stuff. I want to say something but I don’t even know where to start. My first reaction was “Holy fuck. That was painful.” But then as I mulled it over, it made me sad for you. Then I mulled it over even more, as I am wont to do, and realized that I totally relate. We all have our own SC. You are just really, really good at putting words to it. I’m not so good at the words. I get it, though, so very much. I tried to KILL my SC twice, so reading this actually had me a bit scared for you. It looks to me, though, that you have tons of people that love you BIG and I think you know it, which will counter the SC fuckwad. I hope you know how very “normal” you are. I read “deserve” in this at least a couple of times. I think it’s YOU that taught me that no one “deserves” or doesn’t “deserve” anything. It’s one of the strongest points I’ve ever taken away from your writing. So, anyways. Sorry for the rambling. I don’t want to presume to know you, but I kind of feel like I do, if that even makes sense? I guess this touched a nerve. Bottom line….tell your SC to FUCK OFF and be kind to yourself. You DESERVE it. Sending you love and light ☺☺

    Liked by 1 person

    • Killing the SC is not an option because he’s part of me and I promised I would live. He’s a colossal dick though and his voice is eloquent (if shitty).

      I am SO pleased that you took away about ‘deserve’ from this blog. I truly believe it, but when SC comes out, it all reverts and I find myself unworthy and subject to all the ‘shoulds’.

      I am SO lucky to have people who DO love me. Hugely. And they really do make all the difference. Sorry you relate to this piece though. I hope you also have people to counter your own SC with their love for you.

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      • I do have people, thankfully. It’s been a long road, lots of medication, lots of therapy and lots of LOVE (especially from a granddaughter who changed my life when she entered it 15 months ago) to get to this good place I am.

        Thank you for responding. And thank you for writing this. I am envious of your mad writing skills ☺☺☺

        Have the merriest of holidays!!!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Ahhhh I’m so so glad you’re at the good end of the road, and that you’ve found a way to live peacefully, knowing love. That’s wonderful.

          And thank you 🙂 I’m glad you like the writing

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    • I only wish that I could believe all the counter-points, but he keeps tripping me up and ripping me to shreds. He doesn’t fight fair. The way to get him back is with LOVE, I’ve discovered.

      Like

  5. That was painful to read, Lizzi. Heartbreaking, actually.

    By the way, please tell your subconscious that people move to other countries all the time. Every day. It’s not being indulgent or a burden or above your station or any of those other things. It’s just moving to another place, and you’re entitled. Invited, actually, and very much wanted. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dear, Lizzi… Firstly…Your subconscious is an arse… I’m giving your subconscious the-Sarina-thingy 😉 secondly, This is an achingly RAW outpouring, bravely done…I imagine, cathartic…I’m giving you the-highfive-thingy… and thirdly/lastly, my SC is wondering-worrying that (maybe) you’re running *barefoot-through-bramble* toward the other side of the pond…when… perhaps (for sanity’s sake) you’d be better pausing long enough to get your shoes tied first… and, maybe. Check out that ‘green-grass’ a few more times before making such a HUGE ‘life changing’ move. Holidays are USUALLY greener than home!

    I’m not sure I’m making sense…and I’m expecting you to give my SC the finger…

    Whatever you decide, bean…wherever you end up… your friends (on both sides of the water) have got you…you’ll be okay x

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do understand my dear, and your SC is making perfect sense, but this is something I really think I have to try. If I fail, I fail and I’ll come back again to the perfectly-very-green-grass over here. But it’s not about the grass, it’s about where home is, and mine feels like it got cloven in two with my trip and the bonds which were…not established because they were pre-existing, but cemented.

      Thanks always for your care and encouragement, dear bean *HUGS*

      Like

  7. Here is what you should tell your SC.

    Dear Sub Conscious,
    You know that finger in the middle of the hand? You know the sign it makes when all the other fingers are in the fist position except for the middle finger? You know what that means?

    Regards,
    Lizzi

    P.S Sarina thinks there may be a use for you in the sarcastic humor department. I’ll learn to control you yet and let you have some freedom there.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. This seems more conscious to me. I kind of see this as a positive post. What I get is that all this is in your conscious and once here, you are very, very close to being able to let it go – release the negativity into the Universe. It’s not in your SC any longer, it’s now in a place where you can deal with it in a positive way. I have to say also, this is one of the most courageous posts I have ever read. Let it go, it’s trying to leave you, all you have to do is open the door. Pretty fucking amazing, my sister, yes indeedy! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I like that thought of kind of a purge effect on my soul. Thank you! I’ll do my best. I’m still not sure I deserve better than to have this soundtrack of negativity, but I have some work to do on choosing to like myself, I think.

      I really like your perspective on this – thank you SO much 😀

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  9. Lizzi,
    I love you and your fucking asshole SC, no matter what bullshit it spews out. If you were all the things it claims of you then you would have none of the magical love you shower upon others daily. It’s like you and I have that little devil on one shoulder but somebody forgot to give us the angel that goes on the other shoulder for balance. Luckily we have good hearts. We want to give love and we want to be loved so we give all we have until there’s nothing left. And when we are completely drained our SC does what yours just did. You are divine exactly as you are. YOU ARE LOVED. Tell you SC to kiss my ass. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Interesting that you say it’s when we’re drained…that makes sense actually. A lot of sense. And in America I was constantly being ‘topped up’, so he was quiet.

      DANG you’re good! 😀

      Thank you, THANK YOU! And I love you too and am SO glad for your friendship and encouragement and the light that you bring into my little corner of the World Between the Wires. SO glad 😀 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Damn, your SC is one verbose bugger. Does he have a positive twin? I’m not even sure mine is that organized, or I ignore it better – IDK – Urge to refute is strong. But, then there was the time mine mine actually took over and shut down the conscious monkey chatter (It had a dangerous thought) for 20 minutes while it straightened my ass out. It never has told me how it did that in the almost 40 years since. Maybe on account of that I just let it do its thing in the back office and don’t bug it. Anyway, you can tell yours I said to be nicer.

    Liked by 1 person

    • He doesn’t have a positive twin. I think that gets outsourced to friends and family because my brain doesn’t seem to be wired for self-love. Stupid thing is, I’m very good at loving other people and seeing ALL THE GOOD in them, and encouraging them, and all that good stuff. Just can’t seem to apply it to myself.

      Glad yours was effective when it needed to be. That’s good of it. I don’t think mine wishes me harm, just…that I was better than I am. He sees all the flaws I try to ignore.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Also the ONLY reason that SC’s final comment made me almost crack a smile is because my SC was reading too and saying the same. Still, Fuck Off.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yours is every bit as much a dickwad as mine is, and I’m sorry he is. I don’t think we get to kill them off though, just find ways to keep on in spite of them, and try to turn up the music in our heads. Or find a friend when they get too much.

      P.S. Thanks for being one of those friends, for me 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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