The biggest influence in my life right now is…opposition.
So many thoughts whirl around my brain, circling arguments, possibilities, current situations and future possibilities. I’m caught between ‘on one hand’, with the other hand grasping tight to the rock which borders the hard place adjacent to it. I’ve got cards close to my chest, tricks up my sleeve, and secrets under my hat. There’s a cat in the bag, a pig in a poke, and any number of other animal-based phrases to trot out (seriously, you’ve no iDeer*).
I’m tornadoed with the juxtaposition of the Now and the Was, and all the Nexts which could, or might, or mightn’t be. I’m living inside a world framed by exploding thoughts, and I’ve lost my sense of perspective. That said, in some ways my feet (and heart) are planted ever further into the solid ground of understanding that fundamentally, through it all, like red thread and oxygen, is Love.
My heart, tongue and wrists have been tied. My skin is set to ink, and my mind is wandering. Perhaps because it’s late, or perhaps because this is the state of perpetual daze which permeates my days, as I wonder how to Keep Rainbowing, even whilst I keep peeking forward to a place over the rainbow where dreams don’t burst like bubbles in the sun.
Everything in me yearns for equilibrium, yet I’m perpetually aware that my heart is torn in two, and not just a small two – a two with about 4000 miles of airspace and seaspace and mountains of flotsam and jetsam between. A two which cannot possibly be reconciled, and therefore have rendered my emotional existence to the equivalent of an MC Escher painting, where the constant breaking becomes the mending, becomes the breaking, becomes the unbroken whole and is wholly broken again.
Do you feel the turmoil? Have you ever lived in this kind of maelstrom where even the bubbles don’t flow upwards, and there’s nothing to follow to the surface? It’s a place of tumbled depths and bright sunshine entrapped in every glittering moment. It’s a place of deep danger and immense possibility. A place where the crash and roil demand that you leave your safety nets and fling yourself joyously into the surf, striking out with all force and determination for a destination as yet undecided whether it should solidify or remain a mirage. A place of opposites.
Alice had her potions and her red queen, and I shall have my wild ideas and translocation. Some of my plans WILL come to pass, one way or another, and others will wax and wane as possibilities turn into definites and good leads become dead ends. I have a future. It’s bright. It’s filled with love and confusion and sorrow.
I once washed up in the World Between the Wires, stepped ashore and found my people. I hardwired my heart and then later, I made them Real. Now my realities are mutually exclusive, and embracing one requires extricating from the other, and both options involve huge, aching wounds (both for myself and others) because geography precludes us from all knocking along together, and my desire to finally un-FOMO** myself and exist in a world less stymied by TimeZoned and exhaustion, precludes me from staying put.
But where is There? What’s five or six hours between friends? Between family? Too much, or not enough, or somehow still workable? People do this all the time. *I’m* ‘people’. I can do this. Or can I? It’s either revoltingly selfish and unrealistic, or stepping forward and finally Becoming.
I’m turning my back, hiding my face in my hands, feeling my soul rattling impatiently inside my ribcage, screaming at me above the tiredness to keep going, keep moving, keep striving, keep trying, because it might just work – I might get everything I dreamed of.
And if not, I can always come back, tail between my legs, no worse off than I was, for there will still be the love and warmth and welcome of those to whom I belong.
Two whom I belong,
Two home I belong.
To home I belong.
But I can’t be in both places at once.
I am my own opposing force, and soon, one side of me will take the upper hand.
It is time.
Feel free to join in Finish the Sentence Friday over at Finding Ninee
*P.S. apple, if you ever make a Christmas reindeer themed piece of GPS gizmo and call it the iDeer, and tell people that without one, they’ve no iDeer where they are, I CALLED IT FIRST! RIGHT HERE! Ya owe me.
**That’s ‘Fear Of Missing Out’, for the uninitiated. Pray you never get it.