Beating The Opposition

The biggest influence in my life right now is…opposition.

So many thoughts whirl around my brain, circling arguments, possibilities, current situations and future possibilities. I’m caught between ‘on one hand’, with the other hand grasping tight to the rock which borders the hard place adjacent to it. I’ve got cards close to my chest, tricks up my sleeve, and secrets under my hat. There’s a cat in the bag, a pig in a poke, and any number of other animal-based phrases to trot out (seriously, you’ve no iDeer*).

I’m tornadoed with the juxtaposition of the Now and the Was, and all the Nexts which could, or might, or mightn’t be. I’m living inside a world framed by exploding thoughts, and I’ve lost my sense of perspective. That said, in some ways my feet (and heart) are planted ever further into the solid ground of understanding that fundamentally, through it all, like red thread and oxygen, is Love.

My heart, tongue and wrists have been tied. My skin is set to ink, and my mind is wandering. Perhaps because it’s late, or perhaps because this is the state of perpetual daze which permeates my days, as I wonder how to Keep Rainbowing, even whilst I keep peeking forward to a place over the rainbow where dreams don’t burst like bubbles in the sun.

Keep Rainbowing Colour Everywhere

Everything in me yearns for equilibrium, yet I’m perpetually aware that my heart is torn in two, and not just a small two – a two with about 4000 miles of airspace and seaspace and mountains of flotsam and jetsam between. A two which cannot possibly be reconciled, and therefore have rendered my emotional existence to the equivalent of an MC Escher painting, where the constant breaking becomes the mending, becomes the breaking, becomes the unbroken whole and is wholly broken again.

Do you feel the turmoil? Have you ever lived in this kind of maelstrom where even the bubbles don’t flow upwards, and there’s nothing to follow to the surface? It’s a place of tumbled depths and bright sunshine entrapped in every glittering moment. It’s a place of deep danger and immense possibility. A place where the crash and roil demand that you leave your safety nets and fling yourself joyously into the surf, striking out with all force and determination for a destination as yet undecided whether it should solidify or remain a mirage. A place of opposites.

Alice had her potions and her red queen, and I shall have my wild ideas and translocation. Some of my plans WILL come to pass, one way or another, and others will wax and wane as possibilities turn into definites and good leads become dead ends. I have a future. It’s bright. It’s filled with love and confusion and sorrow.

I once washed up in the World Between the Wires, stepped ashore and found my people. I hardwired my heart and then later, I made them Real. Now my realities are mutually exclusive, and embracing one requires extricating from the other, and both options involve huge, aching wounds (both for myself and others) because geography precludes us from all knocking along together, and my desire to finally un-FOMO** myself and exist in a world less stymied by TimeZoned and exhaustion, precludes me from staying put.

“Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air; can’t live, can’t breathe with no air; it’s how I feel whenever you ain’t there; No air, no air”

But where is There? What’s five or six hours between friends? Between family? Too much, or not enough, or somehow still workable? People do this all the time. *I’m* ‘people’. I can do this. Or can I? It’s either revoltingly selfish and unrealistic, or stepping forward and finally Becoming.

I am my own opposing force

I’m turning my back, hiding my face in my hands, feeling my soul rattling impatiently inside my ribcage, screaming at me above the tiredness to keep going, keep moving, keep striving, keep trying, because it might just work – I might get everything I dreamed of.

And if not, I can always come back, tail between my legs, no worse off than I was, for there will still be the love and warmth and welcome of those to whom I belong.

Two whom I belong,

Two home I belong.

To home I belong.

But I can’t be in both places at once.

I am my own opposing force, and soon, one side of me will take the upper hand.

It is time.

Finish the Sentence Friday

Feel free to join in Finish the Sentence Friday over at Finding Ninee

 

*P.S. apple, if you ever make a Christmas reindeer themed piece of GPS gizmo and call it the iDeer, and tell people that without one, they’ve no iDeer where they are, I CALLED IT FIRST! RIGHT HERE! Ya owe me.

**That’s ‘Fear Of Missing Out’, for the uninitiated. Pray you never get it.

Advertisements

42 thoughts on “Beating The Opposition

  1. This may as well have been a vlog…it was so very visual. I have to say that I don’t envy you the in-between. What I do know is that you felt as though you were missing a piece and when you came to America you found it. It’s hard to leave the known. That’s why I rarely do it. I often wonder what I’ll look back on in twenty years and regret NOT doing.
    I hope to see you again one of these days. If it turns out I’m the one coming to you that’s okay. It will be as it should be and one of these days as it should be will become clear.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You WILL see me again, my DA. I refuse to think that it won’t happen. All will become clear in future, somehow, and we WILL meet again. I’ll even brave the chilly climes of Florida for you ❤

      The in-between is still really rough, but not shredding me every minute of every day, like it was at first. I think having ever-more concrete plans to return is helping HUGELY. And yes. I found the missing piece in Murica. I felt whole there, and I think everyone who saw pics of me could see that.

      Hard to leave the known, but also…I can't not do this. I really can't, because I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with such agony in my heart, of missing my people.

      Like

    • You write like YOU, and as you know, that’s a very good thing, Precious. 🙂

      I’m glad you liked it. I have/had so many completely conflicting thoughts about what I’m doing, and what I’m going to be doing. I have to find a way to be at peace with the opposing forces and feelings, as I’ve had to with other situations of opposing thought. They must learn to coexist and let me TRY to continue in the way I see best…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The silver lining is that you have two places to go, and that is two more than some people, and one more than many people. I know that doesn’t make it any easier, but still.

    I like the “no ideer” joke, but I don’t hold that against me. I live with a punny girl who loves stupid jokes, and she’s rubbing off on me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well you’re about the only person who DOES like it, so I’m very pleased *grinning* I still think it would be good for some kind of GPS tracker (cos Rudolph) but anyway…

      And yes, you’re absolutely right. I’m very very lucky to have two places to go, and amazinglywonderfully enough, in Murica, EVERYONE wanted me back for longer, and I SO would love to be able to do that. I also have friends on the West Coast and up in Canada who I want to see, so…I definitely want to come over and make all of that happen. *sigh*

      I think my life might be a bit itinerant, but seeing as the first 32 years have been relatively static, perhaps the next 32 can be more adventurous and that will be okay.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. There is so much involved in any life-changing decision. It would be wonderful just to be able to figure out what we really wanted and to then follow our hearts – but for so many, ours aren’t the only hearts involved. Then there are the more mundane, yet vital things to consider, such as jobs, housing, and finances. And, of course, there is always fear – fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear that the final decision may be the wrong one. All of that has kept me, for so many years, from making changes in my life and following my heart.

    Earlier this week, I was presented with an opportunity to make a huge change (if all goes well and luck is on my side). Even though it is something I really want, I found myself making excuses for why I shouldn’t go for it – it was too hard, I probably wasn’t’ qualified, I couldn’t complete certain required tasks by the deadline, I could always wait and try next year. Most of it was fear – I have been playing around with the idea of moving, changing jobs, etc – but it was always “someday” or “in a few years.”

    I finally started telling my friends and family about the opportunity and my plans – and asking for their help. Just knowing that someone else knew and were rooting for me was the kick in the ass I needed (plus, wouldn’t I feel like a loser if I then didn’t follow through?). I’m going to be working like a demon all weekend to complete my side of things – and then I’ll send it off with a hope and a prayer – and we’ll see.

    Liked by 1 person

    • YES! JANA! YES! YES! YES! You WORK YOUR ASS OFF, lady! GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT! Because omg, I am SO in the same place of it just being too TOO difficult AND YET…and yet…if I DON’T try, and if I DON’T give it my best, I have this horrible feeling I’m going to be here, resentful, unrestful, regretting it FOREVER…

      YOU DO IT! And I will definitely be checking in with you to see how it went. I have my fingers and arms and legs and toes all crossed for you. GO YOU! 😀 😀 😀

      Liked by 1 person

    • I think so. We should talk more on that when I’m back in Murica 😉 I think the idea that I might grow old never having tried it (relocating) is the one thing aside from the love, which really DEFINITELY makes me want to try to make it work.

      The idea that I could be old, still here, lamenting never having at least given it my all, is too awful to contemplate.

      Like

  4. You can ALWAYS go home. ALWAYS. No need to go with your tail between your legs.

    Leaving is hard. I get it – I moved across the pond and it wasn’t my idea but in for a penny in for a pound, or something like that. Left behind everyone I knew except my little family, moved to a place where we stood out like a sore thumb, with everyone saying “as long as the mom is ok, the kids will be ok” and so I faked being ok…until one morning I woke up and I WAS ok.

    And I could have stayed longer. Because I had found myself there.
    And I was happy to come home too, although it wasn’t much like home anymore because my adventure had changed me, and I felt like I left the real self behind.

    You, my sparkly friend, have already been changed from your first adventure. Take that leap.

    And while it’s hard to leave family behind, Niece and Neff can come visit YOU and you can give them the chance for their own adventure.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hope they will visit me one day, and I will always aim to go back and visit.

      I like hearing about your experiences, because you’ve done precisely this – exactly the thing I’m hoping to do, except in reverse. I’m so glad you found yourself there. I feel like the change has already begun in me, and I want it to continue. I SO want it to continue.

      Are you ok being back there? How did it go to return? Are you now your real self again? Because people tell me you (I) carry home inside yourself. I dunno about that.

      And true. I wouldn’t have to have my tail between my legs if it didn’t work out. I would be devastated though.

      Like

  5. I love you and the way your mind works. I wish my mind was less muddled and I could respond in a beautiful and poetic way because that’s what I would like to give you. ::sigh:: I love you!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Limbo sucks ass. *hugs*
    On 11 January 2012 I went on a plane to go home after 2 weeks visiting my best friend who had, quite unexpectedly, become my girlfriend. At the time, we had NO idea when we’d be seeing each other again, as we lived with our respective children 650kms from each other, on different islands. Every minute on that plane (and then 4 hours on a bus…) was taking me away from the love of my life. It sucked.

    In 2009 I took my kids ‘home’ to France for 5 1/2 months. We lived with my mum, my daughter went to school, we visited a lot of people and spent the summer in the pool. When we went back to New Zealand, a lot of people in France asked me why I wasn’t just staying in France, and people in New Zealand asked me why I hadn’t stayed in France.

    I won’t lie, part of me wanted to. But the father of my kids is in NZ and that was a relationship I had no right to make void. I still feel torn and I think I will forever feel that pull between the two countries, the one I come from and the one I’ve lived for 14 years (most of my adult life, really). I have a tattoo on my ankle, of a kiwi and a fern (emblems of NZ) holding a French flag.

    Sorry for the novel.

    I hope you find some answer. Remember, we tend to regret the things we didn’t do more than the things we did do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s such a beautiful story though, and it all worked out in the end, didn’t it? I love the sound of your tattoo – I bet it’s really pretty. And meaningful as anything, as mine all are.

      So many parallels here in ways – I’m lucky not to have kids to complicate my visits to see the people I love, even though my friends have children, which makes it sensible for me to be the one to move…but then there are Niece and Neff (and others) here, and I’ll miss them terribly, too.

      But that time on the plane, leaving half your heart behind, is *awful*

      Liked by 1 person

      • I have 2 nieces and a nephew I have not met. I visited my pregnant sister in early July 2009. Her son was born while I still in France, mid-August, but she lived 4 hours away so I didn’t see her again before we flew back. She had a daughter in 2011. And my brother had a daughter in 2010 (she’s a month younger than my wife’s youngest).
        I have no idea when we’ll be able to afford to go over. My step mum offered to pay for my ticket & my kids’ last year when my dad turned 60 but I was not leaving my wife behind on the other side of the world for a month. She gets anxious when I’m out and don’t text for an hour, can you imagine what it would do to her if i was 12,000kms away?

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Maybe your limbo is because you have so many different possibilities? You know I’m always a glass half full kinda girl! You are being sifted. The right stuff will stay in the strainer with you; the wrong stuff will fall through the holes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Now that’s an image I like. I hope that I can make sure the good stays in with me, and that I don’t do anything to jettison anything worthwhile, just because I’m not good with the waiting and hoping.

      Thank you for this. And yes – SO many possibilities, so many tempting pathways ahead, and in the here, too. So. *sigh* It’s a muddle.

      Like

  8. Sigh… I can’t imagine the dilemma, being torn apart by wanting to be in two places at once. It seems your heart has told you very clearly where you need to be, but I know that is not without it’s own pains and worries. I believe whole heartedly that you will end up right where you belong. With a whom and a home and everything you’ve dreamed of. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I so, SO hope you’re right, G. My heart is clear but at the same time it feels a bit…a lot…like treachery. And that kind of muddies the waters, making me feel like what I want is wrong.

      I truly hope your hope for me comes true, but I think that it’s wise for me to remember that rarely have any previous hopes for my life turned out even *close* to how they were initially envisaged. I sincerely doubt that the whom and the home will be straightforward, at whatever point they happen.

      That said, perhaps I’m too used to struggle, and they’ll happen as easily as falling asleep.

      Like

  9. Apple will NEVER do iDeer as long as I support them which crap I guess I’d have to support them if they did since it was your ideer and all…

    This though.

    Two whom I belong,

    Two home I belong.

    To home I belong.

    That’s the thing we wrestle with for our whole entire lives, I think. AND I COULD have been Frist because we had totes (cool speak from what I hear) different brains on this one. Couldn’t risk it though. And thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ahhh but it might have unduly INFLUENCED you anyway, cos you know our brains are scarily similar. And it was nice of you to let Christine get Frist for the first time in months (*glinty grins*) and yeah…totally different angles, which I like 🙂

      And YES you’d have to support me. If some spy from apple comes round here and borrows my amazing idea, I TOTALLY want in on the moolah!

      Also. Our *entire* lives? Well…I guess I better get going with the living of it, because the thinking about it still has me all ten kinds of everywhere. I gotta narrow my options at some point, but perhaps not now. All I know is that some of my Nexts will be here, and some there, and I guess I hope I don’t need to know more than that right now.

      Like

    • What will happen, will happen, whether meant or intended, or in opposition to what’s actually best. I’m good at meddling and making a mess of things, but in the end, Love wins.

      Just…which love?

      Thanks Kimmie ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  10. What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no ideer. I have been rolling my eyes at Bryan telling that joke for years. 🙂
    Limbo bites. I pray things work out one way or another soon so you can find some peace with whatever it is. “Cause seriously, limbo is such a horribly difficult place to be. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Limbo. I *knew* this place had a name. And yes, it’s horribly difficult and also fantastically wonderful and also just SO not fast enough, but also too fast. So there’s that. Peace would be good here, but I don’t think that will happen for a while. People keep saying I need to find peace within the space I’m in NOW, which is a lot harder than I think they think.

      And yeah, that joke is horrendous, but if it were a technowidget, that would be kinda fun.

      Like

Comments are where the magic happens...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s