What’s in my heart right now

I had a fabulously hilarious post planned, all about my ability to trip over the un-trip-overable (really!) but as the evening’s worn on and I haven’t written it and haven’t written it, it’s dawned on me that I’m blocked because I have other things bubbling away in my heart. Until I write the words and hurts churning somewhere, within the tar and starshine, the ‘funny’ is just going to stay pinned to the walls of my mind.

I think most of the content of my heart right now is mulling over how easily it is to love, and how much caring can hurt, but that not-loving isn’t an option (because LOVE). In this day and age it’s easy to love across huge distances, and on the odd occasion that kind of love can give you (me, anyway) a serious beating.

within the tar and starshine

The main source of anxiety is my trip to Murica. It’s soon. SO soon. And I haven’t packed or finished sorting all the things out yet. But more the issue is the people who await me at the other end. Will they like me In Real? Will they find me too uptight; too goonish; too intense? Will their expectations of me be shattered and the reframe prove less flattering? Will I let them down?

My logic brain,, and a large number of concerned friends, say that it will all be fine – I will go and #BeReal and be ME and will discover that they like me anyway and are willing to accept that there are bound to be quirks and foibles unimaginable through the wires.

The dark side informs me that not only am I ridiculous, but that all my fears are well-founded, and that I might very well find myself on the receiving end of cool glances and cold shoulders as my people realise just how mistaken they were about me, and decide to find someone else to try to bring the glitter to their worlds (even though I am actually going to bring glitter to their worlds, but shh, don’t tell!).

I vacillate between the two sides of the argument; eddying around and around until all I can see is a never-ending whirlpool of inadequacy and hope. I even dreamed that I was pinned to a wall with a javelin through my stomach, whilst all my American friends were stood around watching in confusion as I tried to free myself, and began to laugh at my futile attempts to get free. So there’s that.

I’ve already managed to mess things up. And yes, perhaps with a trip so big it’s almost inevitable that there will be mess-ups, but I should* at least have found a way to keep track so I don’t end up appearing cavalier with people’s time. Especially when those people are making time in their Real Lives to see me and look after me. Especially when I care about them so deeply. You would think I could be slightly more ept and capable of not hurting them due to my inability to honour that. Alas, you would be sorely mistaken.

[Sub-plot – I do think I’m probably trying to cram too many people in, which is as wonderful as it is painful. Because at every turn I’m beginning to resent the time lost 1-to-1, and simultaneously the opportunities lost to meet MORE people. It’s absolutely a double-edged sword, double-dipped in very best bittersweet.]

My World Between the Wires is going to become In Real, and that presents a snaggletoothed set of problems:

I know me, and I know my friendships, and I know the way I love.

There are going to be those who I will meet, and hold close, and memories will be made forever. We will laugh and joke and our eyes will sparkle and we will learn the sound of each others voices when not ‘performing’, and get to know the shape and height of the other, and how they look when sun and shadow mingle across their skin. They will be bright, light moments of sheer enjoyment and we will adore them and bask in their glory.

Then there are going to be those who I will meet, and hold close, and the imprint of their spirit will sear itself into my soul for all time. We will laugh and joke and our eyes will sparkle and we will learn the way the fire burns within the other, and what makes our heartbeats quicken. We will discover a bigger picture of the weft and wend of each others character and fibres will tangle together irretrievably. We will get to know the sound of each others voices and the echo of each others thoughts, and the way we look when we glow with happiness. We will get to know the shape and height and scent of each other, and the press of skin to skin. We will get to know the diamond-bright delight of the joy of this moment shining in their face, and the haunting, quiet spectre of future pain lurking in their eyes.

And there’s the final thing – the ugliest, wailing tar-baby in the melting-pot of my heart right now – the goodbyes.

I briefly considered calling the entire thing off just to avoid the pain of those goodbyes. Some will be cheerful, wonder-filled, fireworky moments of celebration that the meeting and time-spending was so good. Others will be regretful, downcast moments because the meeting was so wonderful that the contrast is achingly sad, though none of the good will be any less good in the face of it; just that the sadness will take precedent.

And there are a couple** of goodbyes which are going to feel as though I’ve had a limb ripped out at the socket.

Quite apart from spurring me onward to write and submit and earn moremoremore so I can afford to go back and reattach myself to the piece of my soul which will seem forever missing thenceforth, the contemplation of such pain is dizzying, unexpectedly sharpburny, and something which I think I always knew would leave me in a million pieces.

My developing philosophy of KintsugiLife*** suggests that the broken places are where gold can be poured in, and that each hurt allows a fixing, which is stronger and more beautiful than the original, unblemished version.

As I think ahead to the coal-black, diamond-spun moments when I see the final flash of the backs of their heads as they leave me, these Ones; I wonder how I’m going to be able to hold back tears to not dampen the moment of meeting the next person…and how the hell I’m going to be able to pour gold into dust.

Little wonder I can’t write ‘funny’ right now.

Hardwired Heart

*writing about this soon, and here am using the word with full cognition of its impropriety

**not a specific ‘two’

***Another thing I’m going to write soon…it should be a good one

 

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78 thoughts on “What’s in my heart right now

  1. If it makes you feel any better, I’m nervous that you won’t like me when you meet me in person…you’re not the only one who worries about that stuff. I’d say try not to worry, but I always ignore people when they say that πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are going to be trapped in a car with me for, like, 10 hours total. What if I annoy the hell out of you?! GAHHHHH!!!
    Don’t borrow trouble, sister! Glass half full! It’s gonna be GREAT!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ohhh and they were such a GOOD five hours. THANK YOU Yvonne…that’s really, really reassuring πŸ™‚ YAY! Oh I hope it will all be fine! I know a lot of this is just me panicking…

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    • *takes a deep breath* NJ, VA, MD, OH, IN, MO, TX, OK, TX, FL….with meet-up free-for-all’s on offer on 13th Sept in OC, NJ; and Chi, IL but not sure which date for that one.

      I’M SO EXCITED! πŸ˜€

      Like

    • Are you going on a big trip? What’s making you apprehensive? I hope you have something nail-bitingly exciting come up, too. But I’m glad to know my anxieties are understandable. I’m simultaneous the happiest ever, and absobloodylutely terrified.

      And thank you for the very fine compliment about my writing. Were you to try, you would write in your own voice, and it would be lovely πŸ™‚

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  3. First of all, worrywart, quit it. You’re fabulousness (probably not a word) will translate. Be excited! Second, bring warm weather clothing for Florida, my sweet friend. We don’t see fall weather in these parts. You will sweat. Third, use all the glitter before you get here.

    I mean it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • YAY WARMTH! *happydances* πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

      I hope that I translate well…I’m still gonna panic a bit cos it’s my nature to.

      As for your last point…I have a beautiful plan and will at the VERY LEAST run it by you in person before you reject it out of hand :p

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I hate to trite, but it will all be fine. You will feel as though you’ve known each other forever, and when you say goodbye you will know that it is only for a short time. I look forward to your tales of Murica (πŸ˜€)

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    • Yes, you’re right, of course – I WILL find a way back to them. I will. It doesn’t bear thinking about that I might not. All the same I feel very overwhelmed by the task…there are so many I love, and I refuse to close my heart…

      And YES! I’m so looking forward to telling everyone what I’ve been up to πŸ˜€

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  5. From my own experience, I can tell you I’ve never been disappointed in anyone IRL when we first met through the wires. Everyone has been exactly as they presented themselves, and I’ve gone away with deeper connections and true friends. You’re going to have a blast in America. I’m sorry I won’t get to meet you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • But you’re coming back to England next year, right? I’m going to MAKE myself not have shingles so I can meet you! And THANK YOU! Cos I know you’ve met loads of internet people, and I’m SO relieved. Thank you πŸ˜€ Because I have this sneaking suspicion that some of my people might be absolutely THEE BEST, and I’m so hoping they are In Real, too, so this is very encouraging.

      But do the goodbyes suck as much as I’m worried about?

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      • I applied for the writing residency in Wales. They said they’d let me know something by the end of September. I *hope* they offer me alternatives if the times I chose don’t work. I’ll keep you posted.

        I don’t view goodbyes like it’s the last time I’ll ever see anyone. When I left Kate in England, we were already discussing next summer and a possible SC visit from her. Your real life visits with Muricans will lead to more…in either your place or theirs. It cushions the goodbye to think about next time. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

        • Yes. I think I’m going to have to do that with all that I have. And find a way to earn more so that I can afford the trips.

          A writing residency in Wales sounds FABULOUS! How do you even get hooked up with one of them? WOW! I hope it all goes really well and you get the gig you want. And YES keep me posted. Wales is visitable πŸ˜€

          Liked by 1 person

          • The place approached me when they launched their program in 2014. I’ve remained on their email list and follow what they’re doing. I hope I have a shot because it’s both small and new.

            I can’t afford to travel, either. πŸ™‚ (Especially not as a starving book author.) But I go without other things to make it work. You’ll have plenty of free places to stay after this initial foray. (And you’re always welcome here.)

            Liked by 1 person

            • Thank you πŸ™‚ YES to free places, for sure. It’s where my budget’s at, and yes to foregoing other things. Less important ones.

              I really hope you have a shot. It sounds promising though, yes? What a glorious idea!

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  6. Well, I’m mainly worried that you’ll find me a terrible disappointment, boring, and useless, and you’ll see my ugly neck and fat tummy which I hide in photographs, and I’ll drink too much because I’m so nervous and say silly things.
    But you’re coming, and I’m PROBABLY coming to party in NJ, and we’ll just power through it, OK? And probably like each other at the end. OK?

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re going to sing to me In Real, and I will sing back, and we can giggle about fat tummies and you can show me your ugly neck and I’ll show you my awful batwings, and we’ll both be nervous and silly and loud, and we MOST DEFINITELY will like each other.

      And if you can make the party, so much the more awesome (also HOW SCARED am I that there will be swimming at this party! OHMIGOSH!)

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I think we’ve spoken enough and known each other long enough to say in confidence that we already know the “real” people behind our avatars. We’ve laughed, joked, confessed, consoled, and written together. We’ve skyped. There’s just no way that your visit will in anyway change any of that. It will be great to actually do those things in person, and I can’t wait to meet you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Difficult goodbyes are only a sign that the connections and the times were as wonderful as you anticipated. How sad it would be to miss out on the joys for fear of the pain. I hope I get to meet you. πŸ’—

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes…and those connections are so strong already. I hope this trip will strengthen them further and render them absolutely unbreakable. I won’t miss out on the joy, but the pain is definitely going to hurt a lot. If we get to meet, that would be very cool. There’s a free-for-all in Ocean City on Sunday 13th if you can make it over.

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  9. Ohhhhh Bezziebezziebezzie. (((((((BIG MANLY HUGS))))))) *forehead strokes*

    They’re clearly all going to love you. You plank. πŸ˜›

    We have a special phrase for people who don’t think you’re awesome. Don’t we? What is it? Say it with me now…

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Your friends will love you because you ARE real. When my eyes saw Westerville, my heart sped up. It is a most beautiful area. I almost was transferred there. I hope you have the best time throughout your trip.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Is it? I’m so happy to hear that. I’ve been utterly lackadaisical about researching the places I’m going because, frankly, I don’t care much – I’ve been asked so many times “what are you going to do? Where will you see?” and I really really don’t know – it’s the PEOPLE I’m going to see, and where they are, I shall be happy πŸ™‚

      Thanks for the encouragement πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

        • Yes! I’m going to post an itinerary before I go, and link to the blogs of people I meet (hoping THEY might write up my trip as it happens, cos I will be too busy visiting to write) but will be instagramming throughout, and writing a journal, so I will do a load of write ups when I return.

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    • *grinning now* YES! We’re gonna have some HELLA memories to take away from this! I’m not looking forward to goodbye, G, but here’s DEFINITELY to planning the next one. Definitely πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

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    • Dagnabiit.
      I’m guessing there will only be one, maybe two, times that you will be super sad. Getting on the plane to head back to England will be hard. Yet, you will be exhausted. You just may sleep the whole way back! All the other times, you’ll be so excited to meet the next person, you won’t have time to be sad.
      And think, I’m right here in the middle of your trip. A person who you have already met. You already know I like you, seeing as how it’s been a whole year since I met you and we’re still friends. πŸ™‚ It will be a little reprieve from all of the NEW PEOPLE TO MEET!
      I’m not kidding. So help me, if you glitterbomb my house… I have connections in England. πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

      • *grins* I’m not glitterbombing anyone’s house. Except maybe Sandy’s πŸ˜‰

        You’re going to feel like my little slice of sanctuary in the middle, in a way. I’m SO glad we got to meet last year, and get the New out of the way, and I cannot WAIT for you to see the difference in me, from that year to this. I’m so excited about that.

        I’m really struggling to contemplate the goodbyes though. It was hard enough saying goodbye to you last year after less than a day. Ack!

        Like

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