Understandably, the first week back after a debilitating illness like shingles was never going to go all that smoothly, but I had absolutely no idea the troughs and peaks which awaited me this week. And thank goodness, too – I sometimes think that if we had access to a functioning crystal ball, we’d none of us ever get out of bed!There’s always merit to acknowledging the troughs – their depth; their colour; their seeming insurmountability and aptness to swamp one completely – but it’s also (for me) important not to dwell too much (though I’m sure I do, anyway) on looking back and going over things or re-running the scenarios in my mind until they drive me absolutely crazy. I’m perhaps (finally) beginning to develop an attitude which finds a way to embrace the bad things which happen, and then leaves them behind.
I sure hope so, anyway!
Onwards and Upwards!
I realised on Monday that I have ONE MONTH until I’m in ‘Murica, and all-of-a-sudden got absolutelyvery excited about it, and had to text Samara about a bajillion times to make sure she knew it was just one month, and that she was definitely still going to come and pick me up at the airport (she is).
There were a couple of points in the week (work-wise) which tried me to my limits and allowed me to be pleased that I hadn’t resorted to swearing (or ended up having a meltdown), and even though at one point I seriously considered quitting, I know that I won’t, because this job and my team, are so great, in spite of the occasional lousy day. I still managed to remain the consummate professional as far as my patients were concerned, and I survived adverse circumstances, so…I guess I at least exercised the opportunity to practice patience.
I had one absolutely massive dip into the abyss, but in spite of feeling incredibly low and crying to several people about how awful everything was, and how useless I was in the face of adversity, I still didn’t fall into some of the old ways of thinking (like *I* was to blame, or that *I* was a worthless piece of crap) – I was just terribly, terribly sad and lonely and disconnected, and it took a day or so to come back to ‘connected’ but as ever (for an extro), I bounced back and jumped back into people’s lives with gusto, and am beyond thankful to the few people I felt safe enough to cry to, and who all helped and supported me, and listened to my anguish, and just…accepted and acknowledged it, and tried to do what they could to make it better.
I wrote my dip, and it’s worth a read. It was triggered by meeting with Jenny and realising the extent of my own abundance compared to her utter lack, and my inability to help her in any real BIG way, in spite of my trying to get the GoFundMe campaign promoted and engaged with. But still, even in the midst of the dip, I did my best to redeem it by encouraging people to support the campaign by writing poetry and sharing an incredible (but violent) sunset which occurred at the time of my emotional wibble. A couple of days later I discovered that Jenny had some good news. REALLY good news. Pop over to GoFundMe to see what.
I also made a button (which was fun to do) so if anyone wants to steal it, link it to the campaign and bang it in their sidebar to help engender support, that would be fabulous. I also need to take my hat off and do the world’s biggest ever bow of thanks and kudos to Kimmie, who blogs over at Stuck in Scared, and who has taken Jenny and Gabriel into her heart, wrote a post for them, and pimps their cause daily. She’s a brightshinywonderful human bean and I’m so lucky to know her.
In spite of not making it back to boxing yet, I’m trying to see the positives in that I can cycle again without too much fatigue, and that by taking it easy, I’m hopefully not going to exhaust my body into another quickfire round of shingles. It really was so awful I’m keen not to have a repeat of it, and hope that being far, FAR more gentle with myself than usual, will help. I’ve also managed to be less anxious than usual about the less-exercise-more-food dynamic, and am kinda pleased about that, but am aware that my anxiety is bubbling away in the background and Murica’s moving ever closer (not helped by the fact that my London friend gave me a very pretty bikini she didn’t have use for, and if I wear it in Murica, well…I’ll be contributing to the crowd who get a bikini body by putting a bikini on their body (no, you can’t see a pic of me in the bikini (probably (and now I don’t think I can say bikini in this sentence any more before the word loses all meaning (bikini – see? meaning gone! (bikini)))))).
There is a perfume I fell in love with a while ago, and kept going back to the department store to spray on some of the tester and luxuriate in the scent. I was determined (in spite of the exorbitant price) to own a bottle of it, and after selling my wedding and engagement rings, I had enough. So that was LOVELY and kind of felt like closure, and a bit like redemption, because the perfume is beautiful but transient, and I know that from the offset. I’ve been waxing lyrical to Hasty about this scent, and I’m going to take it over to Murica with me and show her in person how good it is.
Parcels arrived for me this week – one from Ivy with my prize for the poetry competition, and one from Mandi, with a couple of ‘I love you’ presents and a card full of words which made my heart glow. I loved opening them and getting in touch with my friends to say thank you, and to show/tell them how much they (the friends, not the parcels) meant to me. That’s the special thing about glitterbombs (even if there’s no *actual* glitter) – the entire point is about deepening and strengthening friendships, and having a tangible impact on someone’s life. It matters, because friendships here ARE real, and they do count. I guarantee it. Love, however it happens, counts.
In other news: Sarah sang to me; beautiful, heartbreaking country songs, over WhatsApp. I had a gorgeous journey back from a clinic (so beautiful I had to poem it, because taking photos while you drive is
frowned upon illegal here). I got to attend a games night for a friend’s birthday, which was wonderful fun, and we laughed til we snorted, and indulged in huge, defiant-in-the-face-of-life amounts of hilarity. I also finished off my final unit of the diploma I’ve been studying for, for work, and it went into the post on Friday and should soon be marked and I will be DONE with it, which is awesome. I did some fun, fun flirting, and had some long, wonderful conversations with a variety of people (one of whom DID get the bikini shot hehe). I was given some very generous advice about the best way to try to minimise scars by another customer at the shop I was in (when the assistant I asked really seemed a bit clueless). I managed to entice Michelle Terry to write for Sisterwives, and I SPOKE her introduction. And I’m pretty sure that’s more than ten, and currently the most you’re going to get.
Except no – because Vince’s kids will be here for the weekend and I adore them to absolute pieces and I’m going to SEE THEM! And hug them. And chat with them. And love them like the almost-not-quite-auntie they let me be *delighted*.
And also, in case anyone missed it – LESS THAN A MONTH TIL MURICAAAAAAAA!!!!