BRAINDUMP

I don’t even care if that’s meant to be two words. I’m in full on rebuttal mode, fighting against all these people (all both of them) who say that I write inspirationally and wonderfully and whatever, when all I feel is that actually I’ve written nothing of merit in WEEKS, except some half-baked poetry, and I don’t know how much longer I can exist under the pretension of ‘writer’, when in fact I have produced…squat.

What goes on inside that mindIt’s not a competition, this writing gig. At least not for me. I’ve used it as a means to an end, to raise money for cancer charities, and I still have a post owed. But I can’t right now because my brain is filled with the blue moon and is apparently utterly incapable of comprehensive thought.

Since two weeks before my birthday (thank goodness that day is over with), I’ve been living in a whirlwind of highs and lows and anxieties and happinesses, and fortunately not too many angers and no griefs, but GOOD GRIEF, it’s been sufficient of a turbulence to thoroughly discombobulate me. I even got told I use sentences which are too long, but quite honestly, I write how I talk (a lot of the time) and how I talk is with Oxford Commas (when I’m not about to pass out from exhaustion), and just deal with it already.

I can’t tell if I’m done being a writer, since all I was in it for was the connections, and those are great right up until they aren’t any more. Or they disappear and I can feel a tiny uncertain surge of wondering whether they’re rolling eyes and quietly reaching for the red X. I’m certainly no-where with any book, and I still can’t be bothered with the idea of coming back to regular blogging, and frankly it hasn’t made a jot of difference that I haven’t, so whatever (except now, because all the thoughts in my brain need a place to drain out into (so perhaps that’s what this is for (in which case I’m aware I’ve just undermined my entire premise (which I maintain I’m within my rights to do)))).

Anyway.

My point is somewhere between not mattering, and it happening anyway, and wondering what and whether it was all even worth it, because half the time I feel sustained and kept together, and the other half I feel as though the outside is being flayed from my soul, and I’m drawing in crayons on the walls of my mind again. It’s really no way to be.

Then there’s the added concern that those who know me, will have a five minutes of indulgent “There she goes again”ing, and those who don’t know me might just…go…because clearly anyone who writes this kind of shit is entirely too high maintenance to bother with anyway.

I digress.

But at least I digress in a delightfully posh English accent, and if anyone wants to hook me up with my own phone-line in Murica, I’ll make enough for the next few trips, within a few hours, and then give up on writing entirely, because why bother when I’m rich! I’ll just sit amidst the knowledge that I have nothing left to prove (or lose) and listen to muse-ic on repeat until it floods the stagnant corners of my mind, unlocking them and washing them sparkling clean.

I hope. Because I’m fed up of fighting but it’s all I’ve got left; I’m sick of the stressing but without am bereft; I want to work it out but that makes it seem conditional; when what goes on is soon, or never, but please be more than fictional; I’m not having a good day and it’s starting to show; perhaps now is the time to let it show; I’ll be good enough for a cold shoulder and a shut door; entertainer; silly clown – ridiculous, painted mess is what I’m good for; finally learning the last art of finesse; blundering through on a tangent I digress; flooding my heart with undermined erosion; waiting to mitigate the other shoe-drop implosion…and to be honest I just shouldn’t waste your time – it’s all the moon’s fault and I’ll be just fine.

That’s not to say that ‘just fine’ will ever be quite good enough, or to intimate that ‘just fine’ is any more suited to life between these ears than anyone else between their own. I wrote about disconnection and the feeling of loneliness and was OVERWHELMED by how many people that resonated with. Most of them, I think.

But now it’s big, which is a huge, important thing, and somewhere between write free and be me, the people from their gathered corners spoke out about feeling marginalised and somehow I hope we connected, otherwise again, the point is reduced to…what…showing off? So I’m back to wondering what it’s all worth, seeing the non-light shining into my space on the earth,

No, Lovelies. It won’t be borne, and frankly right now, with the moon in the house of ‘head mess’, I know I shouldn’t be writing anyway, even though you read it and think it matters, because if it’s too much ‘real’ then I’ve sabotaged myself then I will be very grateful, because ain’t nobody got time for that. So I hope that it wasn’t bothered with because this level of ‘me’, this early, could prove a step too far and I would be sad.

So I’m back to being a sky full of stars, wishing on glitter and sunshine and hoping I don’t fly so close the paper wings don’t fall off my arms and send me plunging back into a place where I feel the edges of the abyss sneaking in. I need to soar and glide and sleep, and let the shadows win and have their way, because nothing can be right as long as I’m involved, but it can be pretty in very understated sort of way, like bumblebees and white clouds in blue skies, and doing your best and trying to help others wherever you can.

It is sufficient. For now. As long as it’s not in duplicate. The juxtaposition of just being one of me is quite enough, thank you!

[Will I read this before I publish? Will I heck! Worry about it in the morning, cos it doesn’t matter anyway.]

DISCLAIMER: The day after I wrote this, I was diagnosed with shingles, which apparently can send your emotions and mental capability to Life, right into freefall. So yeah! Maybe I’m not as nutty as all that; just ill!

 

 

 

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50 thoughts on “BRAINDUMP

  1. Shingles or not, I find your writing to be exquisite, although that is not what you are writing for, but deal with it, your style is a gravitational pull, and I adore long sentences because I speak like that as well, and coming up for air is only necessary when I need a piece of toast. Please continue writing, and trust me, nobody is clicking on the red X because of your content or your skills. If they do, it’s because they remembered they’re late for work.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is absolutely the most beautiful comment on this piece I could ever wish for! Thank you πŸ˜€ I’m grinning all over my face at the idea of coming up for air or toast, and me making anyone slightly late for work!

      Thank you…gosh, ‘gravitational pull’ is a mind-blowing compliment ❀

      Like

  2. Pingback: Ten Things of Thankful 111 #10Thankful | Considerings

  3. Write when and how and what according to your own dictates – I love your words, even when you may not love them. They matter. They resonate. Be unashamedly you no matter how you feel, even if you write words for only your eyes to simply release them, but obviously, I’d much rather you share, when and what you can . . . I’ll not tell you how beautiful you are, how talented, funny, or inspiring I think you to be (even though I kind of just did) So hugs and prayers and happy, good thoughts from me to you sweet friend . . .

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ohhh bless your boots, Crystal. I do adore you πŸ™‚ ❀ I was in such a horrible place last night – so low and so wretched, and (as you'll see in my TToT, which I'm nearly done writing now) it's ALL BEEN EXPLAINED. I think. Which is such a relief.

      But yes – I will write. Writing helps me to untangle, and if people don't like it, they can leave, right? πŸ™‚

      Like

  4. “So I’m back to being a sky full of stars.” I am all emotional today, and that sent me in another tear fest. You are my sky full of stars. The warmest hug I’ve never felt. Go to bed Lizzi. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. Even if it’s only half as much as the rest of us love you, your tank will overfill. I have no doubt. Xoxoxo.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. White when and what you feel, like you always have! If your poetry is half-baked, mine’s not even in the oven yet! Too bad they don’t put bad poetry in a book cause I’d be an award winner! Your poetry is thoughtful, thought-provoking, sometimes silly but still very much YOU! Look at what you have accomplished with Sisterwives, your contribution to Jessica and the new Singularity. Remember you are enough and we are all here to help, support and just love you for who you are! #BeReal always!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Melissa – that’s like balm to my *achey* soul. And some of my poetry IS going in a book, which is very exciting, but it’s a slow and ponderous project for when we feel like it, rather than anything zippy πŸ™‚

      Thank you so much for that comment. It’s helped. Truly.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I saw your Facebook post this morning, so I suspect that you’ve had some insight into the why of how you have been feeling lately. I think that Christine and Ivy gave you good advice. Rest up, heal, and know that I think you have a knack for words even when those words are doubting your abilities.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Maybe. At the moment I don’t feel I have a talent for anything, not even sitting, and especially not being a good patient. So I’m glad no-one’s here! But yes – Christine and Ivy gave me excellent advice and at least with this new diagnosis I’m not worried I’m losing it any more *sigh*

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  7. Dear Lizzi, you are in a period of major life change. For years you thought life was one thing, then it wasn’t, then you rethought life, and found out it wasn’t to be that either. Even in the most amicable of circumstances, there are feelings to work through. You are in limbo. You are in the period of the unknown. To an extent, we all are. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. But some of us have an idea, seeing as how we’re older and have a longer history to guide us and ground us. Don’t try to rush through this time. Don’t try to force yourself to move on and be something NOW Let life unfold. Just because you aren’t writing right now doesn’t mean you won’t ever. Just because you are feeling lost now doesn’t mean you will forever. Marvelous things await you. Keep looking for the beautiful. Keep searching for the hidden treasures. Keep glittering the world.
    I’ve been in a very contemplative mood for weeks. Very unusual for me. Many sad things have been happening, and it kinda sucked the funny out of me. Writing has been almost non-existent except for my thankful posts. I’ve been avoiding any post that isn’t light and fluffy and happy because I just couldn’t take on any more sad. I’m starting to come out of it. I think.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I’ve noticed your absence, and I’m sorry I haven’t made contact. I haven’t been in a place for funny, because…well…anyway, I’m sorry I didn’t pick up on the fact that things have been difficult for you 😦 I hope you are coming out of it, but…I’ve missed you.

      Thank you always for your sensible perspective. I’m really not enjoying this stage, but I guess there’s no way to rush it, just get through it. I’ll keep seeking silver linings. Hope you have lots of them.

      Like

  8. Whew! You had me at “I digress!” Loved every word of it and maybe it’s telling, but I can identify. I feel like I understand because you have such a way with words. I love how you kick them, crunch them, cajole them, whisper to them, and weep over them,and finally, “post!” You’re a sweet woman and I appreciate you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • wow…I went to bed thinking this is probably the worst thing I have ever written – it makes absolutely no sense, except in some places…I was all manner of discombobulated when I wrote it. I haven’t really left that place, but thank you very much for the lovely compliment.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Ok, I actually went and got the laptop for this… thats how you can tell this is serious commentationing. That and my real name in ” Lydia’s philosophy of life” …Here it is… all of life’s experiences are lived in waves of emotion. Any experience that lasts more than a moment (and thanks to memory thats all of em,) We all will experience massive highs and lows with any experience… be it writing, living daily life, dying, smoking, love life, all of it… success and progress and satisfaction does not progress in a climbing straight line… its a series of ups and downs and each time the down is a little less or even if its more, the recovery is faster and higher… the love of writing will return past the lows… even loving another person goes in highs and lows … at times they drive ya crazy, others not so much or not at all…sometimes ya let em go…you don’t have to be outstanding in anything… you have to do your personal best in order to feel satisfied and if that’s not enough keep working on it…it will come…without the needless angst of other’s opinions… those will always be there, but they will not always matter…The acceptance of that which I cannot change does not mean I dont try to change anything… it means I don’t have to feel hopeless…it means I have choices… okay… lecture done… it was not meant as a criticism it was meant as help to a friend that she can use if she finds some worth in it and if she doesn’t that’s cool too… it truly is my philosophy of life … but I know I worked hard to get here and see you working hard too. I also know that now that I am here … yeah other stuff bugs me but I am not hopeless and I am satisfied that I am doing all I can and it is enough… good vibes to you dear Lizzi… can’t wait to see ya in Sept… Tell kristi its the 12 th will ya!? hahahaha! xo me…

    Liked by 3 people

      • Lizzi, the STEPPS stuff isn’t about making you wrong. It’s about helping you to feel all right. Not brilliant, not amazing, but OK. However, I respect your feelings on this and won’t pressurise you. Just know the offer stands should you change your mind.

        Liked by 1 person

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