Ten Things of Thankful 108 #10Thankful

I yawn and stretch, having hit repeat on Erasure’s ‘Stop‘, trying to fight the dizzying fog at the corners of my mind, which threatens to roll in and swamp it again. My un-drunk cup of rooibos sits almost-cool, and with the teabag still in, it’s sweet and heavily scented when I take a sip, swirling its aroma through the gauze-tangled corridors of my mind, momentarily refreshing them.

1am, and I still have this to write, because even though I’m sick of myself for not making it around the hop the last couple of weeks, and for still not organising the new banner yet (because I suck), I still need this hop so, so much, and can’t bear not joining in more than I hate my selfishness, laziness and lack of connectedness.

I do still need this, but I’m too tired for ‘ado’, and haven’t got the *twinklysparkly* to bring you anything more than what feels like thankfuls dipped in the sludge of withdrawal; still glistening with the unwelcome residue of a week which has been filled with a greater number of ups and downs than a drunk trying to make it home in one piece (I should know – I was trying to help her!).

Saturday – I sent off icky divorce forms, and un-jointed our bank account, and had a few attacks of The Feels, but fortunately the evening held the Princess party…wow! Suffice it to say, my friend’s daughter looked beautiful, and a huge effort had been made to create the perfect atmosphere, but there were woefully few princesses, and I was one of maybe a handful who really all-out tried (including a very very cute little girl in a big pink frock). But it was okay, because in the end, as the evening wore on and the drinks wore in, I discovered that being a princess was mostly rather fun. The party suited my little extrovert nature down to a T, and I’m pretty sure that by home-time I could have had my pick of three cute barmen, two very cheeky old men, and one gorgeous older woman (she was the one I walked home, and we laughed the entire way).

Princess

Sunday – the cutest of the cute barmen tracked me down on Facebook and began showering me with compliments. I was astonished and my fragile ego was rather beautifully boosted, cos aside from anything else, he was 22 (!!!) but alas, he operated in a manner which is (allegedly) rather au fait with youngsters these days (or certain types of youngsters these days) and by the time (a couple of days later) he’d asked me out, cancelled because he ‘couldn’t trust himself around me’, then sent me a rather explicit video of himself in the shower and asked for reciprocals, I was running for the hills from what I’m pretty sure might be a product of overly self-assured youth, mixed in with a little bit of rape-culture, and just NO! With a side-order of NOPE!

Monday – I was useful in spite of brain-zaps as bad as all get out (having decided that a three-day weekend was as good a time as any to come off meds I don’t think I need any more (no more panic attacks, no more impending doom, and on the whole, no more eating disorderly behaviour, which is a relief (doubled, as I was able to fit into clothes from last summer, which I had exceeded, and which I’ve gotten back into in a healthy (i.e. eating properly and exercising sensibly) manner))). I helped my Sis move house to a flat on the next floor up in her block, and spent the day bruising myself to pieces carrying heavy things. My role as ‘helpful muscle’ was very much appreciated until the end of the day when we all lost our rags with exhaustion and had a massive fall out. Soulie came and helped too, so I got to spend the day with him and Sis, having (mostly) a laugh.

Tuesday – is lost in a fog of tiredness, but I know there was boxing at the end of it, and that was good.

Wednesday – was the day when my work life ganged up on me with death by a thousand tiny things, and I ended up in tears of frustration and upset more than once. It sucked. But I’m sure it was the weather, because my colleagues seemed to have tough days too, and it just wasn’t funny. I think the tears were probably better out than in, though, and I’m sure that it’s only a good thing if I learn to show emotion a bit more. I was lucky to have Vince to look after me in the evening, because although I barely remember it, I’m pretty sure I arrived home brain-zappy and broken, and he helped to fix it.

Thursday had a late start and a sudden drop into amazingness at Sisterwives, with the write-up of Hasty’s beautiful manifesto that we should all try to #BeReal, and the incredible privilege of being able to support her campaign as person after person after person hooked into what a damn good idea it is, and took part. Quite honestly one of the most wonderful things I think I’ve written in terms of its impact on people, and all down to her inspiration and how much of a giant heart she has for others – go check out her post on the issue.

Work went well, too, and in the evening, there was a picnic tea at the beach with Vince (in real) and Beth (on my phone), and it was perfect. Until I got cold (I’m secretly a reptile and as the sun went in, and the sky faded from blue to lilac to bruise-purple, my fingernails followed suit, and the shivers set in. Much as I would have loved to have stayed to watch the stars come out, I needed to go home and have a hot, hot shower. Guess I’m thankful for that, too.

Friday – apart from having to spend the day in a room which seems to be the dumping-ground for someone else’s air conditioning excess, which renders it positively antarctic in temperature, it was a GREAT day at work, with fantastically positive meetings with my supervisor and my boss, who both like what I’m doing to contribute to the team, and who like me, too. I also helped to secure a chunk of funding for our department, so I felt pretty good about that, too.

Wended throughout the week were my morning visits to Jenny and Gabriel, and my evening ones to pick up the thermos. They’ve had harrassment from the police, which sucks, but according to the rules, I can’t raise a complaint about because I didn’t see, and there have been threats made about their shop doorway being boarded up, meaning they would have to move on. But at the same time, I was able to source some helpful painkillers for Gabriel, and Jenny used awesome words like “banjaxed”, and I learned that she’s a writer, too. I’ve learned so, so much in the last fortnight (two weeks – it’s English) from these two, and they’re in my heart now, and part of my Village. I’m very thankful for them both and the chance they give me to shift from my egocentric perspective, by welcoming me so willingly into their world. Next week we’re planning a picnic in the park, which I’m very excited about.

Saturday – HAIRCUT DAY, and ohmigosh I cannot WAIT! The pink is going to be re-pinked, and the shaved WILL BE RE-SHAVED OR I WILL HAVE WORDS, and I’m just dying to have it nice again, rather than floofy and a bit too overgrown for its own good. Then I’m being taken underwear shopping, because having had a person who cares that I should look good, if only for myself, doing my laundry, I have been informed that my current selection of faded, elastic-stretched cottons are seriously below par and not acceptable by any stretch. And without any impropriety or besmirching of Soulie’s character (it doesn’t need it – he can besmirch it without my help!), it’s actually rather nice to have a chap around who gives two hoots about the state of my unmentionables, even if it’s completely platonic.

Sunday – I’ve got a blank space, baby, and I’ll write your name (if I’m awake to do so).

No counting. And don’t count on me at the moment, for anything. Sorry.

OH, but I did update my ‘About‘ page. It sorely needed it, and though it was awful to go back through and erase so many of the hopes-turned-nightmares, it WAS good to add in some friends, a lot of proper love, and some maybe future to it. I hope it hasn’t lost any of the original, storytelling flavour it had before.

Get going. Get living. And #BeReal.

Be You BeReal

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63 thoughts on “Ten Things of Thankful 108 #10Thankful

  1. Can I say again how glad I am that you and Vince have one another right now? Some things are meant to be. I love this post – there is so much YOU in here and I think, while it’s probably not my place to say so, that the you that was out there at some points in the past felt less you than this does.
    Does that make sense?
    I’m off to check out your About. I think I’m probably in need of one, too, but this is NOT the week to do it. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • We are so good for each other right now it’s unreal. I’m so so blessed by him being here.

      And yes – I’m slowly getting back to the person I was many many years ago. Which is a relief. But there is a lot of entrenched crap to overcome.

      Thank you for noticing it 🙂

      And thanks for looking at the About. And I hope you do one soon, but more importantly I hope you feel as though you’re in the right place TO do one soon *hugs*

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: * The week that was | Teachezwell Blog

  3. You my dear Lizzi are an amazing storyteller! And even if your week was sucky I’m the beginning you end it on a positive note. I love your princess party picture as well as your #Be Real. I hesitate to take selfies as I don’t really know what I’m doing. But I’ll take one and hashtag it because I’m inspired by you!!! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re amazing for joining in – thank you 🙂 I love how much this campaign genuinely matters and it combats so, so much of the body-negativity which I see out there, and which I experience in my own mind. Thank you for letting me know about being inspired. You rock 🙂 I’ll let Hasty know as well, as it’s her tag and her idea 🙂

      The princess party was amazing. And thank you – I try my best to be a good storyteller. And yes – lots of this weekend was glorious and I’m so glad for that.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re welcome Lizzi, yes I agree there’s too much body shaming and negativity out there. That leads to eating disorders, guilt, and a negative emotional spiral. I’ll take my pic tomorrow as I’m being used as a jungle gym by my very enthusiastic son. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

        • I can vouch for every single thing you said. It happens all too often. I think it’s really important for me to combat the mindset *because* of my personal acquaintance with each of those things, if nothing else!

          Looking forward to your pic.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Yes I agree, combat the mindset is crucial to slaying those demons. I love someone who has battled for years. I pray that this time will be the deciding factor between health and anxiety about not being healthy. ❤️

            Liked by 1 person

  4. You are really going through a thing, Girl. I’m loving seeing your cheeky, sexy pics and posts on Facebook and I’m not in the least surprised at the attention you’re getting. Keep having fun! I heard your About Me page was pretty awesome – headed over to check it out now.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I did the about me page update this week too. I find it such a challenge to in effect sell myself. As someone who tends to go too long between hair cuts, I would celebrate one on the horizon too.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I never tried to sell myself, which is why I went the storytelling route. I can do it if I depersonalise and turn it into something which is its own thing and not part of ‘me’, but yeah. a challenge is an understatement.

      Good to know I’m not the only one who leaves it too long before going for a haircut 🙂

      Like

  6. hey! good week! (long, convoluted and totally subjective and …not quite contrived, more deliberate way to look at the events and the meanings and such …. ok, maybe later

    bottom line you are here with the community (you… inspired) and that is all that is necessary…for now

    done well

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hiya – thank you! The princess party was for my friend’s daughter, who turned 18, and apparently had always wanted a princess party when she was little, but for one reason or another, never had one, so this was kind of a catch-up for her. It was loads of fun.

      And thanks. I’m trying to perform some damage-limitation, that’s for sure!

      Like

  7. hmmm coming off meds, good times. NOT. (okay I have to take this out, takes out soapbox,) uh hem. I know you went off those meds with doctors help right, okay. (puts away soapbox)

    Hmmm Yeah Sunday would be a NOPE with a side of NOPE NOPE

    I will gladly take the excess Air conditioning. Earlier today it was about to rain and it was a real feel at 105.

    YAY! For Good Bosses meetings!!!! Punches air.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Lizzi, I’m sorry…I didn’t notice you were struggling this week…I should have noticed!… my heads been so far up my own a*se, focused on my own misery that I forgot to check… I’m glad that life has thrown you some ups in the midst of the downs this week, and hope next week is more silver linings than plies of crap.

    P.S… Your about page is fab… I can’t believe I’m only just seeing it, it’s ‘WOW’, probably the best ‘About’ page Iv’e read… I knew you had endured in the past, but I didn’t know the reasons (least not all of them)… now I do, and…Oh Lizzi, I’m so sorry… you’ve been through so, so much…and, I gather, some of it quite recently… and yet here you are giving so much to others.

    You’re a very special bean Lizzi Rodgers… I’m glad you’re in my life x

    P.P.S… next time you need a friend, and this one’s too wrapped up in herself to notice…YELL (in the vitual sense) … I’ll hear you 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kimmie, you’re a darling, and I don’t expect you to check on me, and I know you have so so much going on in your world at the moment – I’m afraid I’ve been every bit as wrapped up in my own, and haven’t checked in with you, so perhaps we’re as bad as each other and that’s just how life is at the moment.

      I’m very grateful for the silver linings, and I hope you’ve had some as well. That’s something I want for both of us.

      Thank you so much for your compliments on the About page. We all have a story, right, and I’m sure mine is no more remarkably filled with complication and challenge than anyone else’s, but I’m glad the style worked – thank you for that feedback.

      Giving to others is a way I can help myself to feel better. It often rescues me to do something for someone else because it stops me wallowing.

      I’m glad you’re in my life, too – and likewise – yell at me if you need me 🙂 *hugs*

      Like

  9. Being appreciated at work is so very important and comforting. Glad to hear about the Princess party and that you sent that rather forward young man packing. Send pics of the shaped up ‘do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Pic on fb now 🙂 And yes. He needed to be sent packing but it was flattering for 2 days, so that was nice. And the party was GLORIOUS fun 🙂

      It helps so much to be appreciated at work. They’re good at communicating that, which is fab.

      Like

  10. Eurasure? Do they still play? I remember them from like a hundred years ago (although likely less than 40…because that’s how old I am now). Sorry you’re having a bad week. I can still count on you to fill my heart – don’t stop. Get some silk panties. I have one pair and I feel like the queen in them. Vince will know exactly which type I’m sure.

    And no fair him getting FRIST – as he’s probs with you when you post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hehehe we decided a while ago that his frists don’t really count, as he has the advantage. Same for my frists on his posts 🙂

      Erasure play ALL THE TIME on Youtube, and I love it – such light, fun music. Mandi got me into them 🙂

      I’m glad I’m able to fill your heart even when I’m having a crappy week. I don’t plan on stopping, and I’m aware I’m meant to be writing to you soon and I’m so sorry because in amongst all the crappiness, my glitterbombs have fallen by the wayside 😦

      Vince was VERY helpful about the undies. Thank goodness. I tend to have a panic attack and run away, but he was super-calm and collected and knew all the info about styles and sizes and we SUCCEEDED very nicely indeed 🙂

      Like

  11. All I can say is, what a week!!!! In the midst of it all you find the time to give compassion from your heart to Jennie and Gabriel. Your princess part. Have fun shopping for knickers!

    Liked by 1 person

    • The knicker shopping was WONDERFULLY successful, and Vince bought me some gloriousperfickwonderful BOOTS as well, and so I am a very very lucky girlie.

      Ohhh I’m so sad about Jenny, Val, because their doorway got boarded up and now they have to find somewhere else, and it’s just NOT GOOD! Grrrrrr.

      Like

  12. You quoted Taylor Swift and all of a sudden I got a super bad taste in my mouth — barf!!! Nope. I can’t stand her. But then I had to scroll up and see your pretty face and all is well with the world again 🙂
    I really dig the hashtag *insert thumbs up*
    I can’t even fathom all the feels with the divorce stuff going through — but you still sound so good my dear. You really do. You’re moving forward. That’s a beautiful thing.
    Can’t wait to see the new do xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Moving forward is good, and sorry about the Taylor Swift quote (for the record – LOVE her! – can we still be friends?) and I’m glad I made it a little bit less awful by being there in all my Real!

      It’s an amazing hashtag and tbh you already write and share so much of your real, it would be a very easy one for you to carry on with, because you already inspire me and many others with your openness and amazingness.

      I’m glad I sound good. I’m sometimes good. Mostly I am. Mostly I’m relieved it’s all going so smoothly and without aggro. But forwards is good. The new ‘do’ will be on FB along with the new boots, in just a sec

      Like

  13. Ah, the all too familiar roller coaster ride called Life. I hear ya! I’m glad you are pampering yourself today. I think it’s important.
    Hasty did a good, good thing this week with #BeReal and you are an amazing supporter. Seriously, if you ever change careers, PR would suit you. You could afford lots of pretty undies ;).

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’d love that! Not just for the undies, but for the more money and the more option – do you think I could hire myself to bloggers who want some promo? I wonder how I’d work it. I’d have to have some very specific packages together and now I’m getting bored and going off the idea already cos it sounds like hard work. I just love, love, LOVED Hasty’s idea, and it ignited such a strong reaction within me and so many others that it was absolutely the right thing to carry forward as far as I could – we need messages like this to proliferate and be noticed.

      Yeah. Roller coaster hasn’t stopped yet. The pampering yesterday was great though.

      Like

  14. Without a doubt, it was a roller coaster of a week for you. But the ups were so good! Remember that! And, hey, even though the 22 year old was a fuckboy, you got some ego-boosting attention from it. If a man smiles and nods at me when passing me out in public, I am grateful first and notice that he is missing teeth second 🙂
    Pretty underpants are da BOMB. I used to wear them for comfort only. Then, a few years ago, I decided life was too short NOT to wear pretty panties, and to Victoria’s Secret I went. Now they’re Dyanne’s Secret!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Eyyyyyy! Well I got some really good ones, and some FABULOUS boots, and I guess the whole ‘life’s too short (and too incredibly long)’ thing is the reason I have silly hair. So there’s that.

      And yes – flattery is still flattering, perhaps even when (as this morning) it came from an extremely high, old homeless man, who reminded me (in manner and skittiness) of Keith Richards.

      I’m glad you get boosts 🙂

      Like

  15. I thought about your Princess Party . . . I am glad you got joy out of it. You inspire me to write no matter what circumstances I am in. Have a good Sunday and rest of Saturday.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Carin – it was a fun party. I’m glad you write no matter what – that’s awesome. I hope you find it a useful skill to have. I confess, I don’t always succeed, but I need these ten things, no matter what my mood, and ESPECIALLY when I’m finding life difficult. Hope you’ve had a peaceful weekend.

      Like

  16. ah the roller coaster… whew… maybe sunday is a just pull into the station and stay stationary day? Sound like you could use one… and I am with Christine about Mr. Shower… yeesh…grow the hell up Mr. … good Lord …. Iwouldnt have even tolerated that crap at 22. See your ego is not so fragile as to be sucked in by the sucky!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad it’s not, but also kinda worried because I’m pretty sure there are people out there whose egos WOULD be that fragile, and who might well compromise on their better judgement in order to be ‘accepted’ by a character of that kind 😦 Booooo to that!

      Today was meant to be a staying still day, but it held its own challenges *sigh*

      Like

    • I am currently damp-headed, part pink, part ginger, and part yellow, with the bleach, but I love having this kind of pampering and it’s something I’m really growing to enjoy. And my hairdresser’s such a sweetie.

      And thanks…I’m so glad you like the About. It was so hard but also cathartic to delete what was there before, and to update it to this new and unexpected future.

      Like

  17. I can’t say anything nice, so I’m not going to say anything about that 22 year old creep.

    I still like that princess photo of you. So pretty.

    Congrats on the positive meetings with the bosses!

    Underwear shopping always gets stuck at the bottom of my priority list, too. And I only remember that I need to when I get dressed in the morning. When I’m actually at a store? Gone from the memory bank.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I was flattered and that was nice. But I understand your reticence.

      I had SUCH an unexpectedly lovely time dressing up to be a princess. I always enjoyed dressing up but I never really knew how good it can feel to FEEL pretty. Ish. So that was lovely.

      And thank you…it was so nice to be appreciated at work.

      I just don’t really have underwear on my radar…even in the mornings. It’s never been important – especially not lingerie. It’s quite exciting to think that one day it might be…

      Like

  18. Oh Lizzi, I’m so happy you did not partake in the 22 yr old. He sounds like a creeper. One of my son’s friends had a crush on me once and it was beyond creepy.. Hugs to you always. You’re such a brave, generous, kind soul..

    Liked by 2 people

    • He was definitely a creeper. Flattering at first – VERY – I won’t lie…but no. Really no. I hope your son’s friend is now leaving you be! Eeek how uncomfortable!

      Thanks for the hugs…I just try to do my best as often as I remember it’s important. *hugs back*

      Like

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