Hello, Considerings fans! Today is the day that you I have been waiting for with bated breath – it’s the day I, Vince, do my Guest Post of Spanglyness, wherein I answer all your burning questions about what it will be like to have Lizzi, the ultimate fart and burp monster ladylike paragon of British elegance and sophistication as a guest in your Stateside home this coming autumn.
Brace yourselves…she’s a nightmare.
I jest. (I jest can’t help being a wind-up merchant.)
Anyway! Questions! With answers! Here we go!
- “Hey Vince, how much does it take to get her drunk?” (Jess Scott)
Well, it depends on what you’re giving her to drink, really. She’s usually a red wine drinker, and I’ve found she starts to get a bit tiddly about halfway through the second glass. So order in a few bottles of Shiraz and don’t forget to film her antics and put them on Facebook for me. Hehehe.
- “How much do you laugh? No really, gut wrenching laugh?” (Mandi)
Well, I laugh about fourteen times per day, on average. But if you mean Lizzi…probably about the same amount. And she snorts when she laughs, too. Also she does this thing where she loses the ability to breathe and kind of whimpers a bit. It’s brilliant – and very infectious.
- “Does she have smelly feet or is she particularly gassy? Naw… Will the spiders be coming too? Naw…She doesn’t have a penchant for liverwurst right????” (Ivy)
Smelly feet – nope. Gassy – can be. No spiders (must Google ‘tarantula care’ before she leaves). And she LOVES liverwurst. I know she talks a load of shite about being a vegetarian, but the other day she sculpted a small castle out of pâté and then ate it while cackling “Dead pig! Mua ha harrr!” and shooting foxes out of the window.
Nah, just kidding. No liverwurst, and no other meat products either.
- “I have a question. Do you EVER sleep?” (Diana)
Why yes, I do, thank you for asking. Oh! You mean Lizzi, right? Yes – amazing as it may sound, our Lizzi does drop Z’s on a regular basis. She subscribes to a ‘feast or famine’ philosophy, though; she has a binge-sleeping problem (most of it occurs on the form of naps during working hours), which her family and I are currently staging an intervention for. Ssshh. Don’t tell her. Ah, shit. Too late.
- “Vince…will Lizzi bake something for me? Because when she posts pictures of her baked goods, I want them. Or is this the wrong kind of question?” (Michelle)
Hell yeah, she will. Get her to bake Spontaneous Cookie Balls for you. They’re healthy, delicious and nutty; a bit like Lizzi herself, in fact.
- “Other than cake, what kind of food do you like? And hate? Or are allergic to?” (Joy)
From now on, whenever someone says ‘you’, I’m assuming y’all mean Lizzi, otherwise you’ll think I’m some kind of weird grammar freak when I keep making jokes about you guys addressing your questions to the wrong person. 😛 And I absolutely am not any kind of stickler for grammar. Am I, Lizzi? *threatens to do the Girl Voice if Lizzi doesn’t agree*
Anyway – she likes cereal (all kinds, especially porridge and Bran Flakes), every type of fruit and vegetable (especially apples – she eats about three of them a day!), and if you force her she’ll eat vegetarian protein-y things like seeds, eggs etc. She hates meat (or at least she hates how meat gets to her plate) and also mushrooms. She’s dairy free, like me, so you’ll need some kind of alternative milk in your fridge. She has no allergies that I know of apart from her well-documented sleep allergy, which can be remedied with the aforementioned several bottles of Shiraz.
- “Do you like dogs? Like, a big 85 pound dog that thinks she’s a person?” (Sandy)
Lizzi’s not much of one for pets really, but she’ll take dogs over cats any day, and we English types are trained from the womb to be polite in all circumstances except on the internet, so if she’s not keen she certainly won’t show it!
- “Maggie wants to know if you’ll read her a book.
Oh! What is your favorite adult beverage? Do you run hot or cold? Does it disgust you to sleep in my very clean birthing bed?
I am somewhat curious about the twig story and why driving in reverse was worth a squee.
Does she need to be spooned to sleep at night? What music does she like to listen to on car trips? Is she scared to drive with, not aggressive, but motivated, drivers?” (Sarah)
Lizzi will definitely read Maggie a book. She, like me, loves to read aloud.
The adult beverage one has already been answered, so we’ll skip that.
She runs cold. DAMN cold. She’s like a reptile; she needs to be in direct sunlight for a couple of hours before she can in fact move. Since she’s not visiting in summer, you may need to put an extra blanket or seven on her bed, and maybe install a massive heat lamp on the ceiling. Feeding her crickets is optional.
She’s slept in my bed loads of times and she knows I had an adventurous youth, so she’ll probably be fine with the birthing bed.
For the twig story you would need to ask her sister as I didn’t know about it until I saw it in the comments. But she was impressed with me going backwards because I did it so amazingly perfectly, like no other driver has ever reversed before, obviously. 😛 And also because she tends to be ridiculously impressed by everyday occurrences. I quite envy her childlike sense of wonder. (And it provides even more fodder for taking the piss.)
If she needs to be spooned, she never asks me to do it. *sobs*
On car trips…anything as long as it’s vaguely upbeat, I think. She’s got a bit of a thing for 50s and 60s rock ‘n’ roll.
Lizzi IS a ‘motivated’ driver. Driving to the supermarket with her once a week means I never, ever need to go on a rollercoaster again in my life.
- Do you like your toilet paper to roll over, or under?
Do you turn the bathroom exhaust fan on when necessary?
Do you wash your hair with shampoo or bar soap?
Do you sleep walk and eat?
Will you require a lot of snacks in the house?
What side of the bed do you wake up on?
Do you clip or file your toe nails? (Larry)
Larry. Dude. Most of these questions can be answered by drilling a small hole through the bathroom wall and peering through it, or just installing a web cam in the bathroom. If you’re going to ask questions that are vaguely creepy you might as well just go full Perv Mode; in for a penny, in for a pound, that’s what I say.
I’m just joshin’ with ya, me old china. Our toilet roll holder is a vertical one, but the end normally faces to the right…not sure if that helps? We don’t have an exhaust fan (do we? Lizzi?) – we just open the window if she farts too badly. Shampoo for definite, and – er – sleep walk and eat? Do you mean does she sleep-walk to the fridge, or do you mean does she sleep, walk and eat? If the former, no idea because unlike her I sleep at night; if the latter, then yeah, she does do all three of those things – some more than others. You won’t need a shitload of snacks but planting a small orchard might be a good preparatory move. I assume she wakes up on the happy side of the bed most days (I don’t share a room or a bed with her and I’m usually asleep when she gets up) and the toenail question? Eww.
- Vince- what are the most important things I can do for Lizzi to make her stay most comfortable? What kind of tea should I get? I’m a coffee girl- and I need tea assistance!!
****Tell me what she really needs to feel at home. Okay? THANKS!!! (Chris C)
Bless your heart, Chris. Just be yourself – Lizzi can make herself at home in most environments. She likes Earl Grey (with lemon juice in it), Rooibos and camomile tea.
- My question: Does Lizzi take long showers? Does she sing while she’s in there? Just wanna be prepared. (Dana)
I’ve never really timed Lizzi in the shower. If I had to guess I’d say she takes no longer than three days. Lol. Nah – about average, I’d say, and she sings at all sorts of random times. Possibly in the shower. I wouldn’t know, because I don’t stand there at the door listening and I’m not intensely interested in her bathroom habits. *gives Larry the side-eye*
- Where do I start?
1. what is her favorite adult beverage?
2. what must I have in my house to make her happy and comfortable?
3. Is this where I’m supposed to put my questions
4. there’s more. I know I have more questions. I’ll come back.
5. shaddup (Beth)
- I’m not old enough to answer that question. Plus I already answered it.
- Shadding up, just as soon as I’ve finished the other questions.
- My question (and forgive me if it’s already in this thread): What are some of her pet peeves and/or general compulsions those of us in blog land may not be privy to? (Jeri)
Jeri, thank you for putting forth such an erudite question.
She’s not keen on people’s phones making any sort of noise, vibrating, lighting up, or otherwise existing within a three-metre radius of her person. The EVILS she gives me when I forget to put mine on silent would make Medusa wet herself. Otherwise she’s pretty easy-going, really.
- Do you have monsters under the bed? What’s the grossest thing in your fridge? (Andra)
Just the usual dust dragons, and THERE IS NOTHING GROSS IN OUR FRIDGE, because I am MISTER CLEAN FREAK and would not permit it.
So there you have it. Answers, of a sort. I hope you all have a wonderful time and make sure and keep me updated with all your antics via our respective blogs, Facebook, Skype and all the rest of the technology available to us all. God bless England America!
Wasn’t he wonderful? Your questions though, SOME OF YOU!!! GEEEEEZ! Pleaseplease can I still come visit? *makes puppydog eyes* If you have other questions, ask in the comments, and Vince (or I) *might* answer them.
And PLEASE still let me visit?