Apologies, because you’re not here, and only I am…

“I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything’s my fault
I’ll take all the blame”

Nirvana – All Apologies

Rain

Sometimes I think I am the witless victim of my own enthusiasm – the fact that I’ve sat here for ten minutes examining my own fingernails and wondering about what vitamin would stop them splitting, and what the hell I’m going to write about, and how for the third night in a row I have a headache, suggests to me that this is hardly going to be a stellar re-entry into Finish the Sentence Friday.

But it’s okay, because there’s no way I’m going to make it (awake) til opening time, so I’ll be snuggled up in my bed, swaddled in a snuggly quilt and two blankets (for the weight, because it makes me feel safer), hoping to stay unconscious til morning, when I have to get up and do it all again. I’ll just drop this post somewhere into the middle of the link-up, and rather than getting to shout a gleeful “FRIST” on as many posts as possible (as I used to do), I’ll be sedate and quiet and contemplative, and in all fairness I might not leave a comment or even get around the hop, because time slips through my fingers like smoke, these days, and somehow ALL THE THINGS come to naught.

I got laundry done this evening. I’m considering that an accomplishment, even though I didn’t manage to open a letter which is to do with my utilities provider, because I’m anxious that it’s going to demand something of me, and Husby deals with dealt with that. So it’s sitting, within arm’s reach, screaming obscenities at me for being a coward and a hopeless, useless couche-tard, and I know I need to silence it by opening it and taking away some of the terror of What Might Be In There…but at the moment I feel like being yelled at (even by envelopes).

I spoke to online friends, and I went boxing, and I tired myself to the point of dizziness (and at said point, remembered for the second (or was it third?) time that I’d forgotten to take my meds today, and I should get right on that, but somehow the everything-elseness of the day just didn’t lend itself to taking meds, and it became an obstacle which was too huge to get over, so I didn’t) and I came home, then went out again to vote, then showered and ate my dinner in silence, because silence is something I’ve got so much of now.

It’s not UNpeaceful. And most of the time it’s welcome. But in spite of the fact you can’t build a marriage on having someone around just to talk to when you feel like it, tonight I’m lonely. I want someone to call me up and invite me to dinner, and to go and see The Avengers, and just be OUT and laugh, and talk, and not be quelled by this silence, rising up from the floor to drown me.

In spite of the satisfaction when I look around and see the very first beginnings of a fresh start, something happens, like needing to hang up the laundry, and I remember that he used to hang up the socks because I hate doing those.

In spite of it being clean and tidy and not tied-up-in-knots-inside-y, the night I yelled at a cricket to STOP FRIKKIN CHIRRUPING and it did, and afterwards, my eardrums nearly bled from just how quiet and how alone I was…then I was sad, and desperately alone-and-not-loving-it.

In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
Married….buried.

I’m I can’t remember how many days into life After. Which means life Alone. And now his stuff is gone and the place is clean and neat and unrecognisable, it’s all me. For now. Until Vince gets here. Which I’m really looking forward to, because apparently I’m not that great by myself. And by ‘not that great’, let’s just say…oh, you know what, let’s NOT just say. I’ve said it all this week, and I’m sick of the sound of my own words.

And sure, I could reach out. I could ask any number (okay, not ANY number – maybe five) of my friends-and-relations whether they’d let me come round, or come out with me someplace, or just BE THERE, to interact with and to hear another human voice outside working hours…but frankly I feel so tired of my own mind that I don’t really want to subject them to it.

This week, I wanted to give it all up, close everything down and un-be the whatever-it-is that I am here in this world between the wires. The noisy, angry voices in my mind started telling me how pathetic it all was, anyway, and how on earth could I think it really, TRULY mattered or made a difference, when it was all just words and binary code, and whatever people want to put out there. A couple of people said I should give it time. Another said my words would be missed (sweetie, this is mostly for you – sorry/whatevs – I wrote, ‘mkay?). Still more agreed that they’d felt the same, and were uninspired to go on, which made me sad because this malaise isn’t unique.

What else should I write?
I don’t have the right.
What else should I be?
All apologies.

I don’t know what I want to do. To write? To blog? To delete it all and take myself back into Real Life in the vain hopes it might help? Or to immerse and let go, and just write whatever it is that’s in me to write (including this – sorry) and not worry about conventions and etiquette and the importance of Being Present.

Because you can’t ever be. Not really.

Because online, I can make you think what I want to, as long as I have the words. This entire post could be an utter lie, and I could be sunning myself on a beach, somewhere, absolutely ticketty-boo, and laughing behind my hand at anyone who takes this seriously.

Or it could be true, and all of the messages in the world might not be enough to fill the silence, and I might be hearing warning bells on the horizons of my mind, because I know that when I get like this, I need people, and at the moment I don’t WANT people…which generally means I really, really, really need them.

Or it could be nothing. *I* could be nothing.

But here’s the rub: you’ll never know, because you weren’t here when this happened…

All in all is all we are…

 

 

And somewhere, eventually, when the time is right, you should head over to Kristi’s blog and see who else linked up…

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116 thoughts on “Apologies, because you’re not here, and only I am…

  1. For some reason my caps lock key is working backwards all of a sudden. When the little green light is on it comes up lowercase; when it’s off, uppercase. Weird.

    Anyway, when I am there I will hang up not only the socks but all of the laundry if you like. I enjoy laundry of all descriptions. πŸ™‚

    Saturday cannot come soon enough for me. Living alone sucks balls, and not in a good way.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Here you go again, dearest Lizzi, putting into eloquent verse an experience that robs many of their very breath if not their words. I read it, slowly drawing my knees to my chest because I know these feelings. Sending you many hugs from across the pond. Were I there with you, I’d force you to accompany me on walks to nowhere. We would sit around and talk. Or not. I would most certainly be the worst influence possible.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think I love this. Me, all late to the party and whatever. Of course there is sad here, but there is also truth and honesty. And there’s you in every word, no matter what the actual truth of it is. Because you’re point is fair – nobody knows and no one probably ever will. But it’s really quite well done. Quite.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I could rely on a clark to catch that, and to acknowledge it. Thank you, and thank you for understanding and caring beyond the bounds of the comment box or my (currently appalling (feels to me)) levels of interaction and ‘good to be around’ness. I appreciate your friendship HUGELY. Thank you.

      Like

  4. I found myself nodding and nodding at almost every sentence. Thank you for writing and posting this dear Lizzie. Thank you for coming by my post to leave a lovely comment. That is a beautiful and true image: “time slips like smoke through my fingers.”
    Two blankets huh? I need to try that…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Two blankets definitely feels safer.

      I’m glad you understood (though I hope not *too* much) where this came from. I’m glad to be part of FTSF again. I’ve really missed it.

      Like

  5. First of all…Lizzi warm welcome…bear hugs to have you back on FTSF.
    Your writing always inspires me, and so what you just rambled away to this prompt πŸ™‚ I still enjoyed it cause it made me peep into your mind.
    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m just glad that the inside of my mind is still somewhat palatable, even though it was sad and rambly. I’m SO glad to be back. I’ve missed this. A lot πŸ™‚

      Like

  6. Lizzi, I’m not sure what to write now. I had no idea about your personal situation. I’m glad that you have come back to FTSF (I’ve always enjoyed your writing), but wish that the prompt might have been a bit more positive for your sake. Is there a way that your writing could lead you to a different frame of mind? Perhaps choosing new topics or new styles or new formats, and seeing what comes of it?

    Plus, I’m guessing that the boxing helps.

    Hugs…..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Boxing is brilliant – I went again this morning and punched the hell outta several bags. πŸ™‚

      I like being back at FTSF. It’s so nice to get back to it, even though I really wasn’t in the mood, I WILL BE. I love writing and I just had a down day, but I’ll be up again. I can’t imagine ever stopping writing – I’d suffocate. There are always things beneath the surface but it will be okay.

      And as ever, these prompts are what you make them – I’ve seen some lovely posts this week πŸ™‚

      Thanks for caring πŸ™‚

      Like

  7. You never have to apologize for writing or not writing. My heart is reaching out to you from way across the land and ocean because I FEEL you right now Lizzi and not that you want any advice or anything, but there’s great beauty in the mess and sadness and being in it, even though it’s painful and dark and lonely and…different. Keep your words coming. We are all here to receive them. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am a chronic over-thinker, and I started wondering about my readers’ experience of this, and felt kinda bad for them, but then I tried to make it a bit more reader-friendly and…I guess there’s no point in writing if people don’t engage, and at least THAT happened, which is a relief, and lovely (and another reason I remember why I love this hop so much).

      There *is* beauty, it’s just sometimes a nightmare to find. Anyway, I just managed an entire TToT without having to think of one ‘real’ thing, so there’s that πŸ˜‰ Thanks for being here, and I know you’re in the midst of upheaval at the moment, so I really do appreciate you taking time to send me some encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Loving that Vince is going to be there. You can stab pillows with plastic forks or just sit in comfortable silence (friendship, especially the Real variety, allows for both).

    I’ll be thinking of you, sweetie ❀

    P.S. No pressure, but the literary sky would be less one brilliant star were you to put down your pen.

    Liked by 1 person

    • HA! You’re very sweet to say so, my friend πŸ™‚

      One week. One week and things will be different and new and have a fresh set of challenges and be chock-full of wonderful and…it’s just going to be so much better. I can’t wait.

      Vince is the kind of friend I think ANYTHING could happen in front of πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

  9. I have trouble with my nails as well – they developed these ugly vertical ridges and they are so thin and brittle, they split (sometimes into the nail bed) often. I finally just gave up and went and got artificial nails. I realize that they are probably damaging my nails more – but I’ve just decided that I’ll have to wear artificial nails until I die (plus, they are super fun to dress up with polish and such – and now it stays on forever).

    About the other – yes. So many of your words resonated with me because I’ve been there (am still there in some cases). I’m lucky because my last two kiddies (although now pretty much adults) live with me and they often keep the loneliness at bay – but I imagine in the next year, they will both be gone and I’ll truly be on my own. It’s a fairly terrifying prospect. Give yourself time and permission to feel however it is you need to feel at this moment. There are no β€œbad” feelings – feelings just ARE. Acknowledge them, allow them to drift through your body on whatever path they need to, and then you’ll notice that your thoughts have moved on to other things after a while. Time helps – but sometimes you wish it would hurry up and do its thing already.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You get it – you SO get it, and you’re totally right about the feelings thing – sometimes I even manage to be quite zen about it all, but that night (okay, this WEEK) it all just got to me. *sigh*

      ONE WEEK TO GO then Vince will be here and I’ll have a new set of snaggles and niggles and challenges, but MY SOULIE WILL BE HERE and I won’t be lonely and we’re going to have epic laughs, and it’s going to be like a sleep-over that NEVER HAS TO END! I can’t wait πŸ˜€

      Thank goodness!

      I’m glad you have your youngest two kiddos with you but eek that’s a hard prospect to face, Jana, and I hope that when they do move on, you find a way through it…my chest is feeling tight just thinking about it. I’ll be here – I know through the wires and that, but I will be. I kind of feel a little bit (this is dorky so shut up) like you’re my ‘break-up guru’ or something and you’re so good at relating to the stuff I’m going through and offering advice and support from a place of *just* going through it all yourself, and I’m so grateful that you take time to help me…

      THANK YOU ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: Ten Things of Thankful: Sleep, please? #10Thankful | Growing Up Girl

  11. Oh, this one hurt, didn’t it? I’ve been there — heck, I AM there! Those first few months, then the first year . . . it’s the little things, the moments that get to you, rather than the big stuff. The whole needing to be alone at the same time you need to be with others, and not knowing what you want or what will make you feel better.

    You said this so perfectly. My heart goes out to you. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It did. I didn’t want to write it but I’d said that I would and then Liv wanted me to and I just decided that in spite of wanting to give it all up, I’d just go for it and see what came out.

      YES to not knowing what I want or what will make me feel better *sigh*

      Like

  12. I love being alone but being lonely is a-whole-nother ballgame. I feel like that a lot. Where we live now was our last military move. We’ve been here 10 years and we are staying, but I’ve never made any BFFs. Just neighbor friends and parents of my son’s friends. You know, no one I really want to go to the movies with and stuff like that.

    Side note on the fingernails: ME TOO! Let me know if you figure anything out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have NO idea! They just keep splitting, but horizontally – the layers come apart and it’s ugly and irritating and I’m sure I must be somehow deficient in something!

      I’m sad you have no-one to go to the movies with. I’d go with you – we’d have a blast!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Horizontally? That’s is weird. My most irritating one pulls out a strand of hair any time I run my fingers through my hair. I’m hard headed and probably took 10 of the 90 tablets of Biotin I bought. I hate vitamins.

        Like

    • YAY YOU! Hey that’s AWESOME. What a way to not-celebrate πŸ™‚ I hope it goes really, really well, and you have a lovely time.

      ONWARDS INDEED!

      We didn’t even make it to 5. And now he wants the divorce underway by the time our wedding anni should have been (June)…which is fine by me, tbh.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. You have fed an already over consumed Nirvana addiction this week. Thank you, I can’t stop listening to them for some reason this week. I so related to this. Like Mandi up there, I’ve learned to live in silence.. in my head. But you tell it beautifully. Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ahhh nothing like an over-fed addiction, as long as it’s music. I’m glad you liked this, and I’m awed and impressed with anyone who’s learned to live with the silence, and I definitely want to know how it’s done.

      Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t like mine when it’s nasty. But Muse’s ‘Madness’ is a great track. I thought it was that there’s a fine line between madness and genius, and to be fair that might also be true.

          I sometimes have to FEEL through music, because there are days when I just cannot even.

          Like

  14. Woops, sorry for the failing comment. Here’s the second attempt:

    It’s a difficult thing – you want to talk to people, but what to say to them? But in that case I think blogging is good because you have the possibility to answer whenever you want. I hope you quickly find some good company to cheer you up and make the silence go away!

    Liked by 1 person

    • True – there’s a more manageable level of intrusiveness…but at the same time sometimes it’s that insistent presence which is needed. Last night I had both, thank goodness.

      (Your failing comment made me smile though)

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Being alone is empowering, being lonely sucks. You need someone to say – “get out of your head”. Hope you can live, love, laugh tomorrow. And No Apologies – it’s okay to wallow in it.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Dear Lizzi, I have no clue as to the depth and breadth of your emotions these days as I have never been through your current situation but, you just wrote your way through a swirl of negative feelings so I think that you may be onto something here. πŸ˜‰ Keep writing. Write your way to a happier healthier you. We will be right here to cheer you on, offer our advice, our love and support. The world is a twinkly place don’t ya know, and it won’t be too long before you start to see it through a different perspective and that will make all the difference. Plus, Murica.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Today I feel decidedly fuller of sparkle, and I think you’re right – writing helps and even if it doesn’t provide immediate relief from the Sad, it *does* foster connection and that counts for SO MUCH.

      Plus, yeah, MURICAAAAAAAAA *grins*

      Like

  17. This is one of the (many) reasons I love you . . . you are real and you are open and you are honest and unashamed of that honesty and it makes me feel like a true and real friend you trust enough to hold pieces of your heart, and sometimes – I wish I could wrap you in the warmth of actual, for real, and perfect true-friend hug . . .

    Liked by 1 person

    • You know me well, my friend, because only someone who knows me would congratulate my honesty in a post where I announced that the whole thing could be a lie. Real is good, and open and honest…I guess in a way I’m writing for ME, in which case I’ll write what I like, but in the back of my mind (especially this month) I’m writing freely because of all the people else who might feel less alone when their brain attacks them, if they know that mine does it regularly and fml I need to take my meds! GAH.

      The actual hug will happen one day, if I have anything to do with it. And it will be perfect.

      Like

  18. First (not to be confused with Frist), you will be fine, even though it feels weird and too quiet now. Your words make me believe you will be fine and I do not utter those words lightly or without thought to what they mean – as in I’m NOT saying “aw you’ll be fine” like that, although I also believe that to be true. I’m saying “You will be fine” because I believe in you and in this and in that this was the best right hard but best right thing. Also love. And so many millions of hugs and soup and toast if that’s what you want. Mostly love though, because I think that’s what you need. And belief in you and you and also whether you write or not right now doesn’t matter. Do you. We’ll be here.

    Liked by 1 person

    • YEAH, TOAST!

      Thank you, megapluslots more than you know. You reminded me that the wrong kind of alone is bad, and the right kind of not-alone can rescue, and you’re the right kind of not-alone, and even though wires, YES it counts and makes a difference.

      I *will* be fine. Determined to be. Just not holding myself to that status as a ‘near future’ thing. But I will be. I have people around me here and in the world between the wires, to make sure of that.

      I feel a little pathetic needing so much love, but I really do, and it really does matter. Thank you ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Oh, Lizzi your post made me misty. Much does these days, to be fair, but I understand that silence can both be a welcome and a reminder that you are there alone. If I were there I would totally go with you to see the Avengers. πŸ™‚

    Also, I love it that you box.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve boxed for nearly a year – I outgunned two of the lads at the office this week…not particularly feminine to my mind, but Mandi tells me that fit chicks are hot, so…on a good day I believe her.

      I’d go to The Avengers with you. And hope that we can grab dinner after and do the talking and talking and laughing and being alive and not alone and not at home thing.

      Silence can be tricky. It changes.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Not only are fit chicks hot, but I think you know how I feel about limiting yourself because of a word like “feminine.” I would cheerfully and sadistically “outgun” a man in a boxing ring if I could. Dinner sounds lovely, as does the laughing. You never know… πŸ™‚

        Like

    • No Apologies necessary, cherie. You’ve been under the cosh as well. I recommend sleep. And James. And we’ll talk.

      Meantime, just before lights-out last night, I giggled a little to myself, because I went to sleep with Memoirs 2 in the place where Husby’s pillow used to be, and that tickled my fancy.

      Like

  20. …absolutely ticketty-boo” tell me that’s a british colloquial for something involving the absence of clothing (as opposed to meaning something about ‘standing-on-a-small-bench-peering-over-a-hedgrow’)

    Well done with this Post. It is what you should write and it also is experienced differently by different Readers.

    (btw: you have made a difference and you have affected (or is that effected?) the lives of people…both real and imagined.)
    I’ll spare you the time-tested (and, in all sincerity, genuinely well intentioned) statements about how you have the inner strength to weather this* or how when one door closes, another one opens**, and say, ‘the process of reaching out that has lead to the pretty frickin impressive group of friends seen in these comments*** is also a process of growth for yourself as a person. The results are not always visible, especially not while in the midst of a terrible time, but it’s there, you’ve earned it.’

    *yeah, I know, ‘no shit! but how about making it feel different!?’
    ** again, ‘no kidding!! so why did the first door have to get closed in the first place/!’
    *** I remember the very early Considerings, there were maybe 2 comments per post. and comments are not necessarily a reflection of anything significant, except when it is…like now

    Liked by 1 person

    • You made me smile, Clark – THANK YOU! Yes…you’re so right. I DO have a fabulous community of friends around me now, don’t I. THANK YOU. See? Knew there’d be a little perspective in here somewhere.

      But no – not the removal of clothing; just that everything’s alright. Or Fine-and-dandy, to give it it’s proper name πŸ˜‰

      Like

  21. I feel safer under the weight of two blankets, too. Also with my socks on. I don’t want you to be lonely; I wish you could have had dinner with me tonight.

    The friends who said give it time are right…but while you are giving it time, just write when you feel like it. Or not. You’ll find your new normal, even if it’s not what you imagined it would be. {wrapping you in an extra blanket}

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve been on a mission this week, and I feel as though I (and the world) are sick of the sound of my voice…

      I like socks, but not in bed. But ALL THE BLANKETS…so much yes! Having dinner with you would have been amazing, and can you believe it’s only a season til I WILL! *glee*

      Thanks for the extra blanket πŸ™‚

      Like

  22. I like heavy blankets too. Want to snuggle? I wish I could have dinner with you, particularly peanut butter Thai. I eat alone a lot too. Not so much alone as in the room with people (kids) who aren’t really interested in hearing about my day or my life, and I don’t or can’t blame them. They’re children.

    I have learned, though, to find comfort in the silence. To listen to my mind (and sometimes drown it with music) and to appreciate my solitude.

    And when I’m so lonely and no one is around, I reach out through the wires and speak to my online friends and often, it’s the one who lives the furthest away who feels the closest.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I will always be here to snuggle and talk and cook you peanut-butter Thai and hear about your day, Squishy, mine.

      Alone is bad, but alone with others is even worse, and completely heartbreaking (and partly why this kind of alone that I’m in now is still better than the kind of alone that I *was* in), but I’ll take lessons from you in how to take comfort from the silence, and I guess I should get back to looking for silver linings.

      And music. Yes…that helps (sometimes – most of the time, thank goodness).

      I felt less lonely when we were talking, and I didn’t write this til later. You helped, and I’m so glad of you ❀

      Like

  23. Being alone, getting used to the silence and stillness is never easy, I’ve discovered, but music helps. Love how you’ve included Nirvana lyrics throughout these very powerful words of yours.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I started off in a James kind of mood, and rapidly devolved into a Nirvana-y sort of mood, and that’s sometimes a not-so-good place for me, which is why it ended up through everything I was writing. I’m back to James now πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  24. I’m so mad that I haven’t been around to talk to you this week. I hate being alone too. I get it. It would drive me a little crazy. I’m so glad you have Vince coming and you then can hopefully settle into a new “normal.” And I’m going to pretend like I didn’t “hear” you say you had thoughts of giving all of this up. Take a break. Reset. Do whatever you need to do to recharge. But you MUST write. It’s too important and the way you write and the things you have to say are way to important to give it up. I understand the feeling, we all have been there in some way or another, but it is fleeting. *hugs* my sweet Lizzi.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Words like air, and suddenly, somehow I don’t care if I suffocate, feeding the symptoms of the disease I’ve come to hate, yet putting it in black and white, even if it doesn’t help me might inspire someone else to fight…and so I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.

      Like

  25. I am staying away from laundry today after I was assaulted by my laundry basket. It busted my lip, and I’ve a Thing on Saturday night. A dress up formal thing. And I’m not in the mood to go. Le sigh. Whatever the hell it is that’s going around, I wish it’d go away.

    Like

  26. DAMMIT!! I WANTED TO BE FIRST!!!!! Now I really really REALLY want to come over….

    I wondered if the alone-ness was difficult for you… adjustment babe. You will adjust… I promise.

    And people- YOUR PEOPLE are RIGHT HERE for you…

    Even in the silence.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re third tho, and that’s lovely.

      I’m an extrovert – I do badly without people, even bad company, yaknow? *sigh*

      I don’t need to adjust…I need to just hang on til Vince gets here…

      And I know. And that matters. Thanks ❀

      Like

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