Ten Things of Thankful #96

I’m living lighter, this week.

That’s not to say I’ve lost weight (I wish!) but rather my experience of life is more buoyant. Remarkably so, seeing as people have said things to that effect. It surprised me at first, and I felt very guilty because a marriage break-down is *meant* to be horrible. It is horrible, because it didn’t work and it was supposed to.

But not one person I’ve broken the news to has said that I’m doing the wrong thing. Even Husby says he can see the sense in it, and we’ve spent another week being reasonably good friends – far better than before I told him I couldn’t do this any more. So the pressure’s still off, and we’re ticking along quite nicely.

That said, I don’t feel as though my head’s in the game. Or any game.

It’s not that I’m sad or overwhelmed or in danger of being swamped by life, it’s more that…I think I feel a bit lost. Uncertain. Excited for the possibilities of the future, nonplussed by the way things are turning out, and just not sure I’m ready to take on life by myself. I think if I waited, I’d never do it. I also think I won’t BE by myself.

And here’s the first, EPIC thankful, which counts for all ten, and maybe a few more weeks-worth: I found my tribe. And I love my tribe.

It’s the people here – my ‘frequent fliers’, my companions in this weird world between the wires, and my friends. I’ve had some of those friends say they’ve noticed a change for the better in my character – that I’ve somehow developed into a better version of the ‘me’ there was before. And I can only think that the major thing which has occurred, is this gradual, slow, beautiful understanding – I belong.

Hardwired HeartThere were other good things, too, but none really compared to that. Though I did write a kindasorta musical to share some of the songs I associate with some of the people in my tribe. And I adore them (the songs (and the people)) and loved sharing them.

Then I got to WRITE, because the lovely Roshni had asked me to write her a fiction piece for the Kick Cancer’s Ass campaign I had going. I *loved* writing her piece. And she LOVED sharing it on her site. And the people who read it seemed to really enjoy it, which is lovely.

Using Writing Keep FightingAnd then…oh this was perhaps the most excited I got all week – I had BRAND NEW AUTHOR Mandi Castle over at A Slip of the Lit, and she was SUCH a delight to interview. And if her writing is as good as what she’s shared on her blog so far, then we are ALL in for a treat with her soon-to-be-released novel ‘Dear Stephanie’ (in the interests of fairness, in case you missed it, there is a chance for a FREE, SIGNED COPY of the book…

Dear StephanieOhhhh and THERE was another beautiful moment – Mandi sent me a new song (as she is wont to do, periodically, when she finds one she thinks fits me) and it’s GORGEOUS and I’ve been listening to it on a loop.

What else? What else? OH I KNOW!

20th April – 1000 Voices Speak for Compassion: Nurturing

Awesome cause; awesome topic. And I have to write for it ready for the link going live to accommodate those who get the first daybreak in the world. I HOPE that you’re going to be there, joining in with me and SO MANY OTHERS.

WISH ME LUCK. With everything. Because even though it might feel dark and empty and strange sometimes, I need to remember that sometimes even the moon gives silver linings.

Sometimes even the moon gives silver linings

 

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66 thoughts on “Ten Things of Thankful #96

  1. Lighter – oh that space where you can breathe … not big gulps of air but just enough to keep you moving forward with your chin up higher and higher and higher. I hope that is the space/feeling you’re talking about. That’s my hope for you 🙂 and then of course world domination with (fuck me for saying this) glitter.
    xoxo

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  2. Darkest before the dawn, you know? And no worries if you feel like something “should” be horrible or make you feel a certain way. I get that. But if something is right and you know it or the time has simply come and a weight is being lifted, well, then let it be.
    All the hugs. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. How have I never heard that song before?!?!?! Thanks for sharing it with all of us. It gave me a good jump start this morning.

    Beautiful moon photo!

    You have quite a tribe here. I’m glad you figured that out. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I love that Erasure song…I haven’t heard it in years. That was one of my favorite groups in college – thank you for sharing that! I’m listening now, and I still remember all the words.

    Here’s to living lighter, and the unburdening of some burdens. Even taking off a small one can make a difference.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes. Well I’ve just lost a huge one *winks* (No, that’s kinda rude…I shouldn’t say that…) but yes, I do understand.

      It’s a GORGEOUS song. I keep switching back and forth between that and the Gwen Stefani/Soggy Bottom Boys mash-up I’ve found 🙂 Hope you had a good weekend, my Dana 🙂

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  5. This is beautiful, Lizzi! I love the silver linings the moon gives. In my insomnia filled nights, I can look out at them or see them making shadows in my bedroom. You’re feeling unsettled with the CHANGE happening in your life and it’s so natural to feel a little disoriented, even lost. You have a strong tribe here and you so deserve the loyalty of these friends!! Blogging is powerful in that way not to mention 1000Voices speak. I haven’t figured out what to write yet….I was thinking about it in the middle of the night while the moon shone slivers of thought through my blinds.

    I love your song Mandi picked for you! Her book looks intriguing and I will definitely be getting it. Your Slip of the Lit will keep my reading list full!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s a beautiful, beautiful comment Lisa – thank you so much. I remember very strongly (and I can’t remember which book specifically I read this in) as a child, discovering a sentence which said “Stare into the sun and you will become blind; stare into the moon and you will become a poet.”

      I have a gorgeous tribe here, and I am so very blessed by their consistency and support and how much genuine friendship there is to be found. Blogging is HUGELY powerful and I can confidently say that via these relationships, there are ways it has saved me.

      Mandi picked me a gorgeous song. She always does. She is my most ‘songy’ person, and aside from the one which I featured on my musical post, there are so, so many which speak her to me. DEFINITELY get her book. It’s going to be brilliant 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so glad you are feeling not just okay with your decision, but lighter and excited about the future. I know you are going to do great things.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: Ten Things Of Thankful: Through My Lens « Little Miss Wordy

  8. Reading this makes my heart happy. You have a huge tribe and I am blessed beyond all measure to be a part of that tribe. I am so glad that you are having some peace at home, even with the uncertainty and trepidation of what the future holds. And I am even more glad that you feel some hope and excitement for the future. After all, the future means us getting to meet in REAL, real real soon! Squeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You just cheered me up, G. Thank you so much for your enthusiasm about meeting me and about being part of my tribe. I’m so glad you’re part of it 🙂 Peace this weekend while Husby is away is very welcome.

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  9. I’m sorry to hear about your marriage. I’ve been there with my first marriage and it is so hard, but you know what is and isn’t marriage-ending material and no one else can decide that for you. Thinking of you and here to say it gets BETTER!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. “…it’s more that…I think I feel a bit lost. Uncertain.”
    sometimes change is gradual (so gradual that one could argue that it was not change, it was ‘the same routines, different) and sometimes change is catastrophic. and all points in-between. The thing of it is, when there is significant change (catastrophic, semi-catastrophic, demi-catastrophic) the world is re-ordered. That which was the world (which always pretends to be ‘the only way it can be’), changes and what you’re feeling is not so much the change as the fact of change. (yeah, you and six people have not yet clicked on to something that makes sense).
    try this…. you go to sleep, someone comes into your house and totally rearranges the furniture and you get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom…. that trip probably won’t feel normal. (Part of) what you are experiencing is the emotional displacement… we feel what we feel about the world as it is, we don’t need to stop and make a list each day. Except now, your list has some crosscut and blanks… yet you still have the same feelings about the world.

    …I will resist the ‘all this is for the better’ and say, ‘hey, you and .99999999 percent of the people you know understand that reality, the world around us can change and when it does it is open to anything in terms of a new pattern. And new patterns and routines will re-establish themselves, with your input or without.

    betcha you do fine.

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  11. So what was the song Mandi sent? I think of you often in music. But often I think, “Oh, that’s not her thing.” So I don’t send. Happy for your buoyancy. Or as a tour guide in South Carolina said to us, “boo-yahn-cy”

    Liked by 1 person

    • I once heard a ‘buoy’ (the round things you find at sea as markers, which in England is pronounced as “boy”) pronounced ‘boo-ee’ which was SO VERY WEIRD and discombobulating.

      I linked the song (didn’t I?) but here it is again…it has been propping me up this week. It keeps my spirit vaguely afloat and reminds me that people care. They really do. And somehow, things might be okay one day.

      I’m interested to know which songs you think are not my thing…I’m pretty eclectic.

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  12. I am all for marriage, but you and your husband know what is best for the two of you, and when you have such peace with a difficult decision, you can have confidence in that decision. I’m glad you feel that peace and confidence, and trust that the future is bright.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m all for marriage, too, which makes this so much harder. But not marriage at the expense of our lives. I spent my childhood sacrificed on an alter to a toxic marriage for the sake of ‘the marriage’ and I refuse to spend my adult life that way. It’s too painful. This is a survival decision as much as anything, and I hope that somehow it means survival for both of us. Because the way things were going, we weren’t going to make it intact.

      I have confidence but not peace. And the future is bright by comparison, certainly.

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      • I hope my comment didn’t come across as suggesting you were not for marriage, because that was not my intent. What I meant to convey was that regardless of my support of marriage, you and your husband are best suited to make decisions regarding your own marriage. And when you know that the decision is right, that confidence can help you through the painful parts.

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  13. I’m so happy you made a choice that is liberating you, even if you are in a little limbo now, It is the excitement of now exactly knowing what is going to happen, but it will be something really good. I can feel it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t trust those feelings. They’re hopes, and hopes have jagged edges. I’m being realistic – I’m aiming for ‘okay’, because there’s no way of knowing that things will be better, or whether I won’t just go back to being lonely and feeling rejected for ever and ever. But perhaps it’s better to feel those things alone than in a relationship. I don’t know any more, Val. It wasn’t ALL bad. But the bits of it which were, were SO bad…

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  14. Pingback: Ten simple things of thankful | chronicallysickmanicmother

  15. I am so so glad you are doing okay, sweetie. I have tons of catching up to do… just a weird and chaotic week with Derek out of town. I can’t wait to read your story at Roshni’s and the Lit interview with Mandi!

    Keep feeling buoyant my dear friend… I’m guessing there is much relief of pressure and lightness of the weight of heavy burdens being lifted… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I think that’s more it. There are sadnesses as well, of course, but…I think there’s more silver lining than not, if that makes sense.

      I shall try to keep buoyant. AND YOU as well. Hang on in there with your chaos and your getting through it. I have faith in you 🙂 ❤

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  16. Glad things are working out so far. Glad you feel better and hopeful for your own future and that you guys are getting along. so many times I am in on my damn freaking phone and miss frist! Im with Kristi… errrrrr.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. The F-bomb was that I wasn’t frist when I so thought I would be. Sigh. Anyway. YAY to lightness and to being and to you and your husband being friends right now. Good things are ahead, sweets. Truly truly. I can feel it. Also, how can I win a copy of Mandi’s book? And going to Roshni’s now!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Click over to the post and it’s all there at the end of the interview. And I need to speak to Roshni cos I don’t see any new movement on that post but I’m told there’s been some!

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