My shameful secret

I’m beginning this post defeated, knowing without a shadow of a doubt what the outcome will be: ridicule; jeering; humiliation.

How can it not be? The thing I have to tell you about brings me the very deepest sense of upset and shame, and I know it will make me a laughing stock. It is against every principle I have ever held on this matter, as far as my ‘public face’ is concerned, but I feel compelled to come clean.

My Shameful Secret

It’s something which has preyed on my mind for a while, because I’ve felt increasingly as though I’m not acting with integrity by giving you the full and true picture of myself. It’s not that this is a particularly Big Deal, nor should it be, except that it feels like it might be, and I’m dreadfully uncomfortable about it.

But I’m more uncomfortable keeping it hidden any longer.

Perhaps I’ve always known, since the beginning, when these things first emerge through the fog of sub-consciousness and take form – ungainly, discomfitting knowledge; full of sharp angles and corners which don’t fit with your expectations for yourself, but nonetheless remains stubbornly, real-ly real.

In not acknowledging this truth, it has become an elephant in the room of my mind, clouding my thoughts and colouring my judgement. I have been through nearly all the stages of acceptance with it, and my sadness, denial and anger have given way to melancholy, and I realise that the only way out is to recognise that this thing, too, is part of the truth of me – to ignore it any longer is to live a lie.

But I’m anxious. Not cripplingly so, because the people who matter are kind and compassionate, and after the initial shock wears off, I think they will accept this new version of me. I hope they will. The people who don’t matter…well they can think what they like. It’s of no consequence to them. I just have a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, which I think will only go away once I’ve done whatever the equivalent of looking each person in the eye and accepting their judgement, is.

I told Husby yesterday. I told Mum today. They were both taken aback but have found it in their hearts to be supportive of me, and I suppose that’s the best outcome I could ever hope for. I don’t know when I’m going to tell the rest of my family. I haven’t even told WonderAunty yet (so yes, you’re reading it here for the first time – sorry about that but I just couldn’t admit this to you in person because it feels like such a betrayal). The rest of my family…well, I’ll drip-feed the news in and perhaps they can osmose it without really ever noticing that I’ve turned away from all I held dear.

I tried telling Beth and she was perturbed, telling me not to abandon my principles, and that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear or not. I worried then, because I knew it would forever change how she viewed me, and once I’d uttered the words, there was no going back.

No way to un-say it.

But it’s the truth.

It’s the truth and I can no longer live under the shadow of it not being known.

It’s the truth and I need to be brave and say what I need to say and then begin to live in a manner which compassionately acknowledges the changed perspective I have of myself, and the different way others will doubtless view me.

At the moment it just feels like another barrier to being able to love myself. Because of the dichotomy of how I’ve been living and how I tell you all I’m highly self-edited, but you’ve no idea how deep that goes. Or…you didn’t.

Okay.

*deep breaths*

In spite of the fact that I’ve always believed I was made a particular way, and absolutely determined to live in accordance with that particular way, an up-coming circumstance has forced my hand into acknowledging that I am NOT that way. The truth will out (as they say) and so I might as well jump as be pushed. So I’m going to reveal one of the most shameful secrets:

I’m getting a Kindle.

 

 

 

212 thoughts on “My shameful secret

  1. Oh my God, you had me so worried! I was so concerned and thinking “How could she be so worried that we wouldn’t accept her as she is, no matter what the “secret” is?! Doesn’t she know us better than that?” And then, BOOM, Kindle. LOL. I have one and am not even ashamed to say it, because I simply have no more room for all the books I’ve bought over the years, and there’s just no way I can ever throw a book away. Hence, a kindle. Plus, the fact that I can make the print larger is a big plus, now that I’m OLD and my eyes are so bad, argh. And, hubby likes that i can read in bed w/out a light overhead keeping him awake. Loved this, you crack me up. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hehehe okay those last two are pretty good reasons, Claudia – I’ll admit that. And I try not to throw books away unless they’re AWFUL, in which case I’ll take them back to the charity shop and donate them so they can do some good whilst they entertain someone else, rather than taking up space on my bookshelf. I think I’m going to have a PURGE once I get the machine!

      And HA! BAZINGA! Glad you enjoyed this, and yeah, I reckon most any secret I came out with (long as it wasn’t dangerous) wouldn’t faze most people here.

      Like

  2. Oh, this rings true to who you are! You are a book lover! You judge not from outward appearances, but embrace goodness in all its forms. You do not distinguish between us and them, but have room in your heart for all. Enjoy your new Kindle! (I’m actually commenting on this post with my Kindle.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I need to research and decide what one to get, and then narrow down by what I can afford. I have room in my heart for all stories, but how I YEARN for pages. I do love a good page…

      Like

  3. Oh NO YOU DIDN’T. I was freaking HOLDING MY BREATH through this entire post all freaking out and literally tears in my eyes!!!! I was a HOT MESS for YOU!!!

    Oh you. YOU!!! Pff. I need some time to get over this one. Still STILL shaking!! *Shakes head and grits teeth and glares eyes at the screen’s image of you*

    But seriously. I would never have guessed that in a million years you would abandon paper. I’ll have to really think about the direction of our friendship now… and decide exactly where it’s going. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hahaha! For a minute there I thought you were going to say you prefer coffee to tea and I was going to say how very un-British of you. But this deception. Well. How…progressive of you. Hmmm…I am definitely going to have to keep an eye on you now. Such a betrayal to traditional book reading. Your bookmarks are NOT going to be happy. You may have to hide the Heffalump where they can’t see it. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

      • You have no idea…I downloaded the Kindle App. Just the app mind you, and I only just now found that my bookmarks came out of hiding after two years. Two years! But I think they realized I still prefer physical books to my app. It’s just that you can’t really take a book everywhere like you can the Heffalump. Plus, it’s not a Woozle. There’d be real hell to pay if it was a Woozle.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Ha, ha Lizzi, good one. I have a Kindle. It’s great for taking with you and reading away from home like at the beach or something. Just don’t read it while you are riding your bike.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You got me. I was really worried for awhile! You don’t have to give up books, you know. There is enough love in your heart for both kinds of reading; it will just expand to make room for the Kindle. Mine did!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. E-readers have more advantages than space and weight: the search function on fiction codices is limited to riffling through the pages scanning the words with your eyes. And you can’t move a cursor to look up a word on a paper book.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Bahahahaha!!!! I love it!

    There was a time in my life that I thought this would be a shameful thing. . . But, then, a couple of years ago, the handsome husband got me a Kindle Fire for Christmas. . . I LOVE IT. Seriously. I can carry SEVERAL books around at once — & wherever there is WiFi, I can access FB & WordPress & whatever else I desire. It’s heavenly! Welcome to “the club”! LOL. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

      • Yea depens on personal preferences, ect. The kindle paperwhite is great for reading in a dark room. I find it much gentler on the eyes than the cheap android powerd device I used to use.
        The model I have is black and white only and does not have the kindle readback feature of other kindles. There are some other brans out there using the same screen technology as Kindle, those are also worth checking out.

        Like

  9. Ha ha ha ha… I knew you were going to do this!
    I’ve had a Nook for five years. Never really used it except to play Sudoku, so I guess it’s safe to say you won’t really switch loyalties in the end. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ahhhh well that’s a relief. I stand by what I said before about a Nook sounding dirty! But I think books and I have a long and delightful future ahead of us…and I guess I can live with a little bit on the side, for the sake of Reasons.

      Like

  10. There was a time I thought a kindle would be a waste of space. Why would I want an item that only serves one purpose? It takes away from my minimalist approach to things in my life. There is nothing here that only does one thing. I can read books on my iPad or on my computer if need be. And I do like ebooks. I can have so many of them and no one will know my hoard of stories. They take up so little space in my house when they are electronic.

    And then I realized a simple truth. My eyes and my brain can read the screens of a computer or iPad all day without going through massive pain and torment. The low end kindle was on sale recently so I broke down and got one. And you know, the screen is so much better on my eye and brain health than staring at my other screens all day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Alas, I am very much a full-sensual being and Kindle…she has no SCENT. I’m one to take a book and bury my face in it – nuzzle in and get the full olfactory experience…and that just can’t happen with plastic!

      Like

    • Oooooh I do like the thought of instant gratification – I hadn’t thought of that…but then…there’s something about delaying that sweet moment of pleasure between deciding you want it, and finally, deliciously, getting it…the build up and the anticipation are their own kind of joy, aren’t they?

      Like

  11. Living near Sydney where coming out has a totally different meaning, when I read about the Kindle I was: “Is that all?” But after that initial relief, especially for your husband because that sort of coming out for a married person has major ramifications, as a hopeless bibliophile, your betrayal cuts deep and no doubt like many of your nearest and dearest, you’ve set off all sorts of abandonment issues. Come back! Come back! Don’t cross over to the dark side? Can I introduce you to my antique book collection with all that authentic book dust to remind you of what you’ve left behind? That said, this could be a situational thing so you might just be forgiven. I’ll give it some thought.
    xx Rowena

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Well, you were right. I see you differently now. I see you as a huge TEASE that had me so f@%#* concerned and making my heart skip several beats, Ms. Lizzy!!! I even told Mr. Brickhouse that I was about to read your “reveal” and was nervous about it. I may have to be mad at you for a minute. Ok, minute is up.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. it will be fine – i have two the older version and the Fire which was given to me as gift this Christmas – I love them both because on it are all my go to books – it fits in my purse and the books book are with me, having said that a couple of years ago I was reading The Alchemist on it – I stopped and had to purchase the book because my love to highlight and write notes was very strong. So I too have a kindle but my books are still here. Perhaps it’s what I tell myself. that makes better … i still have books- i still read from books, and when I am reading from my Kindle it is very private no one knows what I am reading. πŸ™‚ it will be OK!

    Liked by 2 people

    • HA I hadn’t thought of the privacy aspect AT ALL! *grins* You’re right though, and perhaps for the sake of the space on my bookshelves this can be a winnowing thing – it will let me know which books I really want AS BOOKS, if that makes sense.

      Like

  14. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I started with a smile and then got serious, and the got close to freaking our, heart pounding and all. Hahahahahahahahabahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Youse hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • YES oh SO MUCH YES! I always have, and I feel very strongly about the Full Book Experience (which is, as of now, a THING) and have always baulked at the idea of an e-reader on that premise.

      Like

      • Haha..YES!…the Full Book Experience…I like that πŸ˜€ I do have to admit that the e-reader is handy for certain situations though.lol

        Like

  15. I have a secret too: I sometimes use my iPad for my reading since it has the Kindle app. I am so ashamed. Excuse me, I am going to go hug some books and whisper “I’m sorry” repeatedly.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. I have a kindle but the one I have you can’t use in the dark so I just installed the kindle cloud app on my tablet and use that instead. You can also use the software on PC but most ppl don’t want to read at their computer.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Bahahahahahaha!!!! You got me! I have a Nook and I’m looking into a Kindle now too because Amazon Prime, but I still prefer a book in my hand when I can. You’re going to love taking that thing in your beach bag.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I think I’m gonna love it more during an eight hour flight to MURICA BABY! Cos books *are* big and unwieldy for a big trip like that. BUT I’M STILL NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. I’m coming to the stage of acceptance but I’m NOT QUITE there yet.

      Nook sounds a bit dirty…

      Liked by 1 person

      • I used to use a Sony e-reader when it first came out, but it had a lot of bugs. I tossed it. Now I’m a purist. Plus, I’m an author…we make more money on actual books than e-books. So, there’s that!

        Like

Comments are where the magic happens...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s