Ten Things of Thankful #92

Mind tumbling like the murky, brown, debris-strewn waters of a storm-torn river, and fingers still too tired to demand that their nerve fibres link up with the ones in my brain; occasional shapes below the surface of the water seem to cohere – to make sense, briefly, albeit with smudged and muddied outline – before the force of the turmoil drags them down again. The turbidity is too high to focus on any one thing and in the corner of clear, blank space, a cursor waits, insistent…

I’m thankful that I have a laptop and a blog into which I may siphon some of my thoughts and feelings. They have consistently been set to ‘overwhelm’ this week, and I’m also thankful that I have a hop-ful of people ready to listen and offer their insights, feedback, and maybe just comfort…and that is wonderful. Here, through this screen, lies a huge part of my Village. And I need them.

Dull, stubborn, hopelessness pervading my world and turning it just the one shade of grey. No hope. No happy. No meds. Just waiting. Because it’s my own fault, my own fault, my own fault, because I’m stubborn and reckless and stupid and – wait, NO! Stomach clenches with embarrassment and pain – made worse by the fact that now someone KNOWS how much of an idiot I am. “Don’t look away from me – TELL ME” I force myself to meet her eyes. They are kind. I am humiliated. I listen, resentment and anxiety gnawing a hollow in my stomach, because now THEY KNOW. Even though it’s because she cares, they KNOW. And I talk to them, breezily. They take me seriously. Are going to help. And later, waiting, waiting, waiting, ranting to Husby, whose patience must be tested by now, with the outbursts of his idiot wife, to pay through the nose, galled, for two tablets to get me to next week. All because THEY fucked up. No… No… No…, they did, but this is because *I* fucked up. Chagrin can be worn like a cloak, I find and it swirls noisily around me, tripping me up, informing me with sanctimony that it would have been fine if I’d gotten my act together and once again, it’s all my own fault. And so it hangs from my shoulders, wherever I go. And I’m sure people see it…

I’m thankful that Mum stopped the world in its tracks, changed our plans, and organised that I get some meds. Because I was no longer in a place to do anything but wait, agonisingly, until the surgery could un-fuck what they messed up. Thankful that when I went back, they apologised for their lies and ineptness. Thankful that I contained myself, because it wasn’t HER fault, just…all of theirs. No… Mine. It was mine.

Sneaky satisfaction at involving them, quietly, at the end of the hallway, having hidden the bag behind my back and sent her noisily away so we can plot. Whispered consultations and the look of glinty mischief in their eyes as they reach out their little palms to be laden with gifts and flowers. My happiness at being a part of their plan skimming the surface, like crystalline ice, over a deep well of pain, because the sound of their feet running away from me and towards her thuds through my heart, turning it green and sour, and the happiness snaps, brittle and now jagged. I place the emptied bag slowly on the floor and wander down the hallway, telling myself that this is good – THEIR relationships are good, and that is GOOD – and watch with smiling eyes and crying heart as Mother’s Day unfolds before my eyes.

I’m thankful that Niece and Neff and my Sister have beautiful and strengthening relationships. I’m thankful that I have the wonderful joy of being an auntie and I would change neither of them for the world. I’m thankful that I DID go and join in, like I said I would, and I’m thankful it didn’t break me, as was the concern.

Deep breaths, shaky, emotions clinging with desperation to a rock-face of frustration and anger, ledges crumbling and below, a  crackling storm of lava and steam, waiting to engulf, consume, and spit out great gobbets of anger on anyone nearby. I feel its heat crisping the edges of my psyche as the temptation to burst into tears dries up, slowly but surely burns to smoking black and is ready to ignite. I can’t queue, because I might explode. I can’t talk coherently, because I might rage-cry. I can’t find the thing I want and time is ticking…ticking…tickingtickingfuckingtickingmovingtoofast and I might MISS THE THING! FUCK! I JUST WANTED IT TO BE STRAIGHTFORWARD WHY CAN’T IT BE STRAIGHTFORWARD…and then, after all that…I don’t have the address I need…and more time more time more time, legs pedalling off, cursing my own stupidity at thinking for one second that I could streamline and WHY don’t I even have a PEN in my bag…fuck! And so the anger clouds fire around me, crackling through the air, which is rain-laden and still not cool enough. But I bite my tongue. Fidget and fidget and fidget and explain in short sentences to people who don’t deserve to bear the brunt…and finally…success.

I’m thankful that I *was* on time. That I live close enough to the post office to get home and back again with the address written out. That my Soulie was there to help calm my outburst. That I didn’t cry in public. That I got my meds. That I sent the glitterbomb.

“Close your eyes and hold out your hands” There is glee in his voice and I know he’s done something lovely and I cross my soul’s fingers and hope that I can raise my mood enough to feel it – please don’t let me ruin this moment by not being able to be as excited as he needs me to be; please let me be able to show that I SO appreciate his love and support and the way he cares for me, pleasepleaseplease – something light and large and hollow-sounding is placed into my hands. There is paper and bubble wrap, and I scrunch my fingers around it, feeling the crinkle of its shape, and the squish, and the tough centre. I open my eyes and see that his are shining, watching me, and I muster a grin and begin to unwrap…something with a big pump on the top…shiny…hollow…OHMIGOSH!!! And just like that, the sun comes out, full glory, from behind the clouds, because he’s listened to the little things which make me happy, and he loves me enough to bring one of the most ridiculous, wonderful ones INTO MY HOME…and we go out rightthatmoment to find green soap, which pumps white foam that smells pink, and my cup runs over with delight because he is such a kind, kind man and he loves me. I sparkle and dance and squeal and wash my hands a milliontimes and we laugh, and the storms are banished.

Thankful that Husby is so generous and kind to me, and buys me amazing ‘I love you’ presents, like my very own Foam Soap Dispenser, which STILL makes me so, so happy. Because foam soap. Because #itsthelittlethings.

#itsthelittlethings


The first book; a photograph of its real, fullness, held in a hand I’ve seen many times but never In Real…breathtaking by its very THERE-NESS because the years of work and effort and striving have all come together inside one glorious snapshot of a reality changed forever by accomplishment…and pride, unbidden, swelling my heart sixteen sizes larger because this is important and a moment of moutaintop, breathtaken incredulity…and delight because I’m invited to share in it, to revel alongside, and to rejoice.

I’m thankful for having such an amazing BlogWife, whose hard work and efforts have come to fruition. I’m thankful that she’s allowed me to be a small part of that journey, and I feel honoured and humbled and delighted to be there. And I want you to go and pre-order NOW – CLICK HERE. Because this book is BUH-RILLIANT, and if you want to see my endorsement, click here.

BOOK Order of Seven Beth TelihoThe second book, confusing – a melee of colours and bizarre illustration, baffling me until I see the name in the corner – Neil Gaiman – and realise that there is only one person who would think to send it: one friend who is determined to educate me and encourage me to understand the wonder of the talents which inspire and delight him…a friend whose mind and creativity I fell for from the very offset, and whose thoughts leave me sparkling, as though I’ve been plunged into a particularly beautiful and complex nebula, and all my world dissolves to stars and smoke-and-mirrors and I delight…and a friend whose soul sometimes aches more, even, than mine does – whose anguish can be palpable, and whose robust, burgeoning confidence is matched only by his quavering, vulnerable fragility, and when the two meet, sarcasm and bathwater get thrown (though never yet with the baby left in) and storms roll. Yet somehow, every time, my cherie comes back to sunshine – back to that glimmer of hope, and pours it out into a story which will leave me breathtaken and laughing out loud, and once more immersed in the heavenly, astonishing space his mind created. And the third book – his next (which there is a party for (I invited you, and if I didn’t let me know – it’s on Facebook next weekend – there will be prizes and author-facetime and video chat and it’s gonna be AWESOME)), I was allowed to introduce. For real. IN HIS BOOK. And you can PRE-ORDER IT HERE, because it took my breath away and made me laugh til I ached, and tipped me further in WriterLove with his mind (I may have said I wanted to lick his brain) and I have absolutely no doubt you will enjoy it.

I am beyond thankful for such a wonderful friend, who sees most of the all of me, and who still cares, and who INVOLVES ME and lets me be part of the beautiful, incredible, shinybright-with-greyhound-edges world he created.

Neil From HelenaA dark, yawning abyss threatening to swallow me whole – No job. How can you have no job? How can this happen? Why aren’t they abiding by their contract. Pleasedon’tgetdepressed. Please don’t kill yourself. Please don’t go there, not again. Because I can’t – I need my Husby. And then a space. A short space. And then another abyss, because he went missing – my Soulie went missing and how COULD he and why is his life so hard and why, why, WHY can’t things be straightforward? Please find him. Please find him. Please find him. Let him be alive. I can’t…I can’t have another I need to feel as though I’m on suicide watch for. Even though I could do nothing anyway…and impotence in both cases leaves me listless and drained, and then somehow the VERY HAPPY HAPPY SHINY BRIGHT DAY OF THE DAY WHEN WE ALL WRITE ABOUT COMPASSION AND BE HAPPY is in the middle and I’m torn, swirling, drowning, smiling falsely on one side, treading water against the unknowns which threaten to suck me down into the darkness, and grimacing as my soul gets dragged through the rocks of other people’s experiences of bullying, and through it all I try, I try, I try to show compassion when all I want to do is hide and be beholden to none of it because it’s swamped me and I can’t breathe…I can’t breathe…and one more demand might make me fall apart…something has to give…

Thankful that Husby’s mood hasn’t dipped dangerously low, in spite of suddenly losing his job in the middle of the week, and the massive anxiety we’re now living with. Thankful that my Soulie got drunk instead of dead. Thankful that he’s found and safe. Thankful that 1000Speak went so well, in spite of fewer numbers this time, the calibre of what was shared is SO HIGH, and the stories are amazing and filled with determination and compassion and love, and VILLAGE.

And now, that blinking cursor emptied out across the page in a font I still don’t like, vomiting the feelings and purging them into pixels, twisting their grimy shapes and using my teeth and fingernails to scrape away the slime and find, inside, gleaming – thankfulness, I’m left calmer, ready to go boxing, and hoping that you haven’t taken too much of this on, or that if you did, you, too, can end with hope. Because if nothing else, SPRING is coming, and there are daffodils.

Daffydowndillies

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63 thoughts on “Ten Things of Thankful #92

  1. I have tried very hard to take a page from your book and find silver linings in the tough times. I wish I had been more present for you in all this turmoil. On the brighter side you have foam soap and that is delightful, wonderful friends who send you interesting books which is priceless, and the love of so many.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My DA, you had plenty of your own turmoil to deal with, so don’t sweat it. I’m still here and things are looking a lot, lot brighter. All round.

      I also have dear, wonderful friends who send me beautiful hand-made jewellery that I’m wearing right now, reminding me to love and be loved. So there’s that 🙂 ❤

      And yes – I've seen your determined search for silver linings, and you're finding glimmers and I'm really proud of you for doing it. You are stalwart, and a hero in my eyes.

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  2. Foam soap kicks serious arse. It’s my favorite, and the next time you’re feeling bad, you should think about the way it feels, all squishy squeezy between your fingers, and remember that I’m feeling it all squishy squeezy between my fingers a half a world away, and I want you to be happy. 🙂 Much love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ohhhh squishy squeezy is EXACTLY it, isn’t it? It’s particularly luxurious with green soap which pumps white and smells pink. I recommend it. I shall try to remember you all squishy squeezy half a world away, next time I’m sad, and I shall try to smile 🙂 Thank you.

      (not to mention how I think the squishy squeezy probably would muss your kittykat fur up, something rotten! 🙂 I reckon it’d be cute enough for one of those cute cats youtube vids)

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      • Yes, it is quite mussy, and although the squishy squeezy smells very yummy, it tastes bad, so I can’t lick it off. I’m sure that would be a fantastic youtube vid. Those kitty videos, just BTW, make me feel better when I’m sad. I sat and watched a zillion of them the other day. Awesome.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I made silky playdough the other day with Niece and Neff, and it smelled so good and raspberryish that Niece wanted to taste it. So I let her. And she made ‘yukky’ noises for about five minutes after that but at least she KNEW.

          I’m sure it would make an amazing Youtube vid but actually thinking about it a second time, perchance the demographic who end up there having searched for a frothy pussy, might be somewhat disappointed…

          I tend to watch videos of people falling down or tripping over drunk or trying to pogo-stick on super-fast treadmills. I have a serious spi0n addiction.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Well, I suppose it’s an understatement to say you’ve packed a helluva lot into one week. This mysterious surgery bit–glad that’s worked out. It’s worked out, right? I love foam soap, too, and so super easy and cheap to refill (see Pinterest if you don’t know). SO, SO, SO SORRY about Husby’s job and the change in sense of security. Oh, that sucks balls (I said this before reading it in Beth’s book but loved seeing it there) big time!!! Oh, Lord.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh it was just that I rang them last week and they said they’d put the prescription through and then DIDN’T and so the pharmacy told me to try the next day, and they STILL DIDN’T and by the time we discovered it, they were closed for the weekend so I couldn’t get the meds and it was stressful and upsetting and required a bajillion other hoops to jump through to make meds happen, which was my own fault for being disorganised about them in the first place and it was all just galling and humiliating and frustrating. OUF!

      Foam soap is AWESOME. I love it. We’re doing our own refills from just normal hand-soap. And ERGH to losing the job. I know you know that one. SERIOUSLY sucks balls. We’ll get through it, but BLECH!

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  4. Job loss is rough, rough, rough, especially for a man. Been there. Sometimes it takes years for it to work out well, apparently, because while employed, still waiting for happy with the job and salary. I still believe there is something really good to come of it all, and you must, too. I’m sorry your week has been rough as well. I’ve been out of pocket all week and don’t know details, but remember I am always thinking of you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s horrid and I really hope the situation rectifies SOON! He’s doing well at searching for jobs and trying not to take this one personally (which he shouldn’t – they were out of line and ACK!) but it’s not easy, like you say. I hope against hope that something better will come of it. We could really use that ‘better’, to be honest.

      Thinking of you, too. Rough weeks suck.

      Like

  5. I came here, I read this, I like it, and I didn’t leave a comment??? WTH…
    You know, I think we had already talked about much of what’s here and I am glad for those who could be there in those moments of darkness to talk when you needed to. You know I have my thoughts and prayers going that all the things that need to happen fall into place.
    The mothers day there escaped me and I’m so sorry I didn’t remember. The hugest of hugs to you. Huge.
    Clark’s FRIST is hilarious. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • And his second, and his third! He’s a sneaky one 🙂

      And it’s okay and YES I think we probably did chat about most of this before. I’ve been leaking out at all the edges this week, and quite unable to contain things, so I’ve been glad of your listening ear 🙂

      Thanks for the prayers and thoughts 🙂 I hope things fall into place. Sometimes they do 🙂

      Like

    • Thanks Galit! That’s really lovely of you to say. It’s been a bit of a mission to do that – I often find I really REALLY need to find those silver linings to keep going onwards and upwards to the next thing. It’s a more important exercise when the list is difficult to write 🙂

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  6. Foam soap is awesome!! I’m always happy of a white, fluffy cloud of foam comes out of a soap dispenser 🙂 Mother’s Day already? Well, Happy Mother’s Day to you as well!! Hugs to you! Oh, and meds are awesome!! Have a wonderful new week, Lizzi, which will hopefully be pain-free!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Well done. This is beautiful. I’m sorry your husband lost his job. I hope everything works out, and he finds a new one soon. All you can do right now is take care of each other. I don’t mean financially, but mentally and emotionally. I know you already do, and it’s the best that can be expected right now. xxoo

    Liked by 1 person

  8. That was a rollercoaster. Very cleverly written! As much as my heart broke for the *italics* portions, I was soothed by the silverlinings, and then back and forth and back and forth. I need a nap!

    You know that know that you know that I know all (or most) of these things already, and you know how much my heart goes out to you. *squeezyhugs* I’m happy you found some silver linings in all that chaos.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I know you know I know the things you know, and I’m glad you know them, y’know?

      You helped keep me sane. A million-illion thanks. I won’t use the d-word, but I’m SO grateful you choose me. THANK YOU.

      (and thanks – I … didn’t have ‘fun’ writing it, exactly, but it helped and was a useful exercise)

      Like

    • Thanks. I had a think about what I wanted to be thankful for, and also the fact that I wanted to get out a little of just how damn HARD this week was, but of course, in a thankful hop you have to turn that around so….yeah. Maybe a little cheating went on, but it was GOOD to write it out. I needed it.

      I’m glad we have each other, too. You matter a whole HEAP to me. I hope you know that 🙂

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  9. I’m so sorry your Husby lost his job. I know what a toll that takes from personal experience, so hang in there. It will work itself out, it always does. I’m glad you found all your things of thankful even through the darkness you’re in right now. {{Hugs}}

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh, Lizzi, I’m sorry I was such a bother for trivial things like codes. If it happens again, please feel free to ignore me or even just say, “Later!” (There are photos of daffodils and tulips on my post this weekend–I would up and move the entire field over the pond if I could!) I hope the meds do their job, and your hubby can find another job soon, so the stress levels can subside. I forget that Mother’s Day comes earlier to England than it does here. I have no words, but hugs for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh no, you weren’t a bother – I’d already discussed it with Michelle and Ivy and Clark and Lisa by that point, and they all wanted one. You were not alone. I figured that HALF the co-hosts wanting to TToT up meant that I should get my act together, so I did.

      I went out and found gorse and trees and sunshine today and it was lovely. The meds seem to be working, and we’re keeping our fingers crossed about Husby and a job. Thanks 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Wow, Lizzi. No wonder you never sleep. Your mind is SO full. Full of beautiful words that paint pictures of dark times inside. I am glad for the thankfulness you find inside everyday and daffodils and sunshine.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I am so sorry to hear about your husband losing his job – it sucks- it really does but you are both strong and together you will get through it – i’m not just saying that because well that is what your suppose to say – i am saying it because i hope when you read it you believe it too….because regardless of your day you are so tenacious that you are able to find that silver-lining. have a wonderful weekend and week ahead! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Pingback: Spring! 1000 Words + a Picture & Ten Things of Thankful #92 | ladyleemanila

  14. (wait a minute… is this some kind of set up…. no, it wouldn’t be you, you’re a clark…. but sometimes the rogerian friends (of clarks) manage to set traps and we walk into them)

    3Rd Level Master of FRIST(at ion), is all I am today….

    keep this up and I may just do my….
    Hell! why not

    Item 1 I’m grateful for friends who have the secret-strength to create things (like this ‘hop) even and despite the fact that they often do not avail themselves of the power it offers.

    Liked by 1 person

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