My Stymied Valentine

I can’t start this right and I don’t think words will be enough anyway, so I’m not really going to try being clever about it. I’m going to imagine instead that you and I are face to face, and somehow I’ve mustered the courage to actually tell you what follows. It helps that you’re a composite – an amalgam of all of the friends I hold so dear – and that in the complexity of your olio nature, there is security, because I can address you as a whole, and bypass the need to *actually* be vulnerable.

My Stymied ValentineThat said, in spite of the cloak of anonymity I’ve cast upon you, I will tell you this; I recognise the tone of your voice, the angle of your countenance, the weft of your hair and the mood behind your words. Your silence can cry out as loud as your raised voice, and there are times when I can hear you smile. I’ve seen behind your scenes, and I fancy that I know sufficient of your heart to think that you’ll be okay with this, but I’ve told you on many an occasion that I’m quick to love and slow to trust, and there are times (like now) when that cripples me.

I’ll do my best to find a way around it, though, because whether you know it or not (and to whatever extent it may be), you – my cherished friend – are taking the hand of some of the colder, darker corners of my soul, and gently urging them forwards into the sunshine. In the light of your friendship, I can feel my heart begin to thrive, pumping Feels and vitality through my being, turning me into an echo-chamber for emotion. When you hurt, I ache. When you celebrate, I feel fireworks. And in the mundane to-ing and fro-ing of the everyday, there is still a background glow, even if all I see is your shadow glancing past, because I know that you’re still out there, and you still matter to me.

Your character is what appeals to me most – your passion for life; for words; for others; for beautiful places and complex theories. I adore the way you care about other people. I’m proud of you when you bring them centre-stage and demonstrate your commitment to walking the walk as well as talking the talk, and LIVING the change you hope to see in the world. When you encourage your friends to care, too, it makes me unnecessarily soppy, and I wish so much that I were able to walk up to you and either shake your hand or give you a hug, or just grin my usual goofy smile and tell you what a good job you’re doing of being a wonderful human.

Of course, you’re beautiful, too, and that has a tendency to intimidate me more than it should, but that’s my stuff blundering in where it’s not wanted and making things awkward. You should know that each time I see you, I fall back into the schoolyard way of thinking, and just count my lucky stars that somehow, I get to be cool by association. It barely matters though, does it? The important bit of beauty lies with your personality – it shines out and sparkles the lives of those who know you – and it can be breathtakingly gorgeous.

There are so many things I’d like to tell you, if only we were in the same space.

Things which would require hugs at the end of uttering. Things which I’d wish I could hold your gaze as I said. Things which cause me to reach out my fingertips, right now, and press them to the screen, somehow hoping you feel them, and reach back. Because quite frankly, the heights and depths and breadths of Awesome which I now know can exist inside a human being, are so vast that I find words rather small and inadequate things with which to address them. To give them proper acknowledgement would require physical presence, and for now that’s something we’re denied.

Yet this isn’t about my thoughts, because it’s somewhere around Valentine’s day, and though the day itself is rather arbitrary (for I feel these things each day, and could tell you at any time), it allows me to step deftly behind the mask of convention to tell you how you make me feel, in a manner which (should it be spurned (always my fear), ignored (terrifying thought) or indulged (not so bad, but still a concern)), I can lay at the feet of *that* day and walk away from with my hands in my pockets, whistling an insouciant tune in a display of carefully-studied nonchalance.

You won’t know about the white-hot spears that rejection thrusts into my soul, nor the sodden, all-consuming necrosis of spirit which rapidly follows. I won’t let you know how long it takes me to claw my way back, or the agony I’ll be in for the next umpteen times we speak, because I know that something in me was repellant to you. I’ll never show you how much it’s going to haunt me, even if you say we’re alright. And that’s another reason you’re a composite, my darling, because the flip-side is likewise easier to explain.

So to the feels, before I chicken out entirely.

First and foremost, I’m so intensely grateful for your friendship and your constant presence in my life. To have known you for this long, and to rest easy in the knowledge that you’re probably not going anywhere any time soon, is a delight and a joy. It makes me so happy to be able to reach out to you when I feel the need, or just want to check in. To know that you tend not to find me a bother, but that you enjoy my interest, is something which means more than you could possibly know.

To know that you choose me – that’s huge. And magic. And wonderful.

You inspire me. The way you write and create and show your artistry is simply stunning. If I could have my way, I’d get everyone I know to read your words and absorb the wonder of them. I just love how you put things, and sometimes it’s even the mastery with which you string words together, or the mood you evoke with your writing which makes me wish that I could pay you to write just for me, to indulge me, because your brain is so marvellous that I get genuinely excited when I see you’ve written something new. And it’s adorable that you have little idea how good you really are, but I do hope that you figure it out.

It’s not just your cleverness though, which keeps me hooked. Quite frankly you make me want to be a better person, and somehow feel more worthy of you. Whatever else can be said of you, you’ve LIVED a whole lot more than I have, and you’re so good at passing your learning on to me in the hopes that I might be able to take it on board and not make a complete hash of my own life. Thank you so much for sheltering me in the generosity of your spirit. You have a beautiful, kind, shinybright soul, and I want to be near it.

Then there’s your friendship and the connection we share, which makes me light up inside when you want to talk. It brings me deep happiness to talk with you, whether it’s about small stuff, or matters of the universe and beyond, I’m so happy to know your thoughts, and I cherish that you take the time to share them with me. I’m so glad that we’ve come to a place in our friendship where we can do that, and the subjects themselves become secondary to the point or reaffirming what there is between us. And it’s glorious.

Which is as well, given the amount of time I spend finding or making things which I think might make you happy. Sometimes I see an item and think of you, and it feels so right, with such a strong sense of YOU about it, that I only wish that I could somehow be transported immediately into your world to hand you the whatever-it-is, and sprinkle you with glitter, and give you a hug, before carrying on with my day.

Last but by no means least, my sweet, you make me want to get better at this thing called life. When I’m around you, I want to be able to fling the BS-coloured spectacles from my eyes, and live freely, appreciatively; with care for myself and for others. You make me wish that I was able to untangle the snares of my life without needing to lean so heavily on you for support and encouragement, but you stay by my side and continue to allow me to ask for help.

You. Are. Wonderful.

And I was right – words are utterly insufficient to convey how much you mean to me. Even those three which get spoken more often because of the date on the calendar this weekend, are still not enough to do the job properly. But just know, with all your heart, from the depths of my scuffed and rather fragile one…ohh, don’t make me say it.

❀

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137 thoughts on “My Stymied Valentine

  1. Lizzi, I really needed to read something beautiful and amazing and Y.O.U. after this past week. Thank you for your endless ocean of a heart; I am truly blessed to know you and call you friend.

    ❀ Dani

    P.S. And your prayers?? We've all felt them. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • ‘Ocean heart’? I rather love that πŸ™‚
      *hugs* What a week you’ve had! I hope that you’re hanging on in there, and that your Dad’s doing a bit better now. Thinking of you and keeping the prayers coming. I only hope they help, and I’m glad my words here eased your mind for a moment, anyway πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You know how sometimes you read something that causes all sorts of emotions to well up within you and you want to comment back — something profound and meaningful — but you just can’t think of the right words? And some of the thoughts and emotions the post has provoked are almost embarrassing and seem stupid and narcissistic — so that makes you take a closer look at them and you realizes that, for all of your bravado and self-congratulations on how together you are, you really aren’t? And you know that the author can certainly understand exactly how you are feeling — so you should be able to express these “silly” thoughts — but you still are ashamed to do so? That the post was so brilliant and wonderful that to share these thoughts would take away from that lovely intent — because they are just your own issues and has nothing to do with the lovely post and if you were more together you wouldn’t have this jumble of confusing emotions anyway? That.

    Liked by 1 person

    • No need for shame, Jana, my friend. And you have no need to be ‘together’ or anything other than precisely who and how you are RightNow. Promise.

      All of the confusion is explainable. Every last bit. And thoughts are just thoughts, no more. What you do with them, and how they impact your behaviour and your manner into the future is what counts. So take your look, feel your feels, and then remind yourself that sometimes, what you FEEL and who you ARE, can be slightly different things. And that who you ARE is someone who matters.

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    • They edge sometimes, terrifyingly, wonderfully, shockingly real (at times) don’t they? That this weird new world of Online allows us to fall so hard in friends with people in other corners of the globe can feel…almost alarming. But delightfully so. I wouldn’t change it.

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      • It’s wonderful and alarming, but I also confess that at times it makes me feel that much lonelier. I mean, I truly enjoy the connections and friendships I’ve made online, but I yearn to sit and have a cuppa with a friend, or to go for a walk and talk. Since we moved to our current home (3.5 years ago) I’ve honestly found it difficult to make many live, in -person friends, and that is one of the things I struggle with.

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        • I’ve lived in the same place my whole life, and I have four people who I would sit and have a cuppa with, or go for a walk with. Three of them live in cities at least an hour and a half from me. So…I feel ya. And it’s not even to do with how long you’ve lived somewhere. In Real is a lot more difficult, for some reason. I getcha. Truly.

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  3. Pingback: Ten Things of Thankful #87 | Considerings

  4. How do you do it? How do you put (sumptuous, glorious) words on a page and they become palpable, tangible feelings? It’s like I’m a pancake, and this post is syrup just poured all over me, sticky and sweet and wonderful, and making me a better pancake in the process. (I must be starving…what a weird analogy – ha!)

    I don’t dare assume this is about me (although I hope I’m among the amalgam!) but it’s so gorgeous, and so special, and so dripping with your sweetness and charm – I WANT IT TO BE ALL ABOUT ME. hahaha

    It’s true, though. I do want it to be, because then you’d be all mine. You’re such a gift. A real, true gift. There is nothing I could say about how much you mean to me that could hold a candle to this gorgeous post, but I hope you know I could mirror all your words right back at you and mean it 100%.

    I’m going to blow your fucking English mind right now:
    I. Love. You.

    *faints*

    Liked by 2 people

    • *mind blown*

      *faints too*

      Well, my szep palascinta, you’ve rendered me speechless. And grinning like a loon. And OF COURSE you’re there – “don’t dare assume”? pffft! I hope you can feel the EYE ROLL!

      My mind suddenly tumbled a million words past me, and none of them seemed worthy. I tip my hat to your bravery, my dear BlogWife, and can reassure you that there will be no white-hot spears for you. Ever. Whichever way around it was that we rocked up in each others’ worlds, you left me starry-eyed then, and you still do. Your friendship is such an incredible blessing and whatever I might have said up there ^^^, I could probably wax lyricaller without really even trying. I’m just so grateful that you weren’t put off by the way I annoyed you with my friendship*, and that you let me in.

      And as to the rest of your very sweet comment (damnit now I’m hungry too!), It would be too easy to give in to the temptation to ‘Smutster’ it up, but that’s not what it’s about. You’ve become a consistent, wonderful friend, whose presence has spilled over from this weird online world, into my Fo’ Realz, and you matter hugely. You’re one of a very small number of people I talk to on a daily basis, and you leave me sunshinier, happier, better equipped for life, and more confident, thanks to your encouragement and input. Not to mention how much I adore the wonderful rambles about whatever was rattling around in our brains at the time. You are My People. And I am yours.

      *steps out from behind sign* I love you too, Beth.

      *that video you tagged me for. I hope that we’re more like the cats/dogs at the end, than the ones at the beginning (though they resonated SO MUCH…and were hysterically funny, because I could see *precisely* what you meant). And alright, I promise not to lick you when we meet…

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      • *dies a little*

        Yes, I felt the eye roll.

        And what the everfuck is szep palascinta? Google didn’t even know what the hell you were talking about. Is that a pancake thingy or something? I hope so cuz it sounds like a venereal disease. HAHAHA

        oh the video! I’m so glad you saw it. It totally reminded me of our journey, of course ending with the kitty letting the dog lick her BUT IN OUR CASE THAT’S FIGURATIVE!

        LOL.

        Yes. You are my people. Unequivocally, undoubtedly, 100% a permanent part of my world.

        Liked by 1 person

        • ‘Beautiful pancake’ in Hungarian. Which has no common root with any other language, but which sounds absolutely beautiful. NOT a venereal disease. Ew!

          I saw it. I laughed. Lots. And figurative is fine by me. I shall just be pleased to be THERE, yaknow? Much as I’m already glad-glad to be HERE.

          *grins*

          And GOOD.

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Lizzi, you have the incredible ability to write to the masses like you’re talking to just me. I’ve said it before, and I will continue to tell you how brilliant a writer I think you are. Your words/prose are always so beautiful. As for being your friend, you know how I feel about it. I won’t say that we deserve or don’t deserve each other (again) because I know now that isn’t the right word. The truth is that you add such a sparkle to my world, and I am that much more blessed having you in it. I will forever be grateful to Beth for introducing us and for helping make this connection that I hold so dear. I do love you, and I say it easily because it’s true, and it’s real, and it’s how I feel. I am so glad you call me “friend.”

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    • You’re one of the people who I admire so much, Mandi, because you’ve got this incredible courage and forthrightness which enables you to be absolutely free to say the things which I get completely tongue-tied (or whatever the written equivalent is) over. For other reasons, too, but that’s a big deal to me, and I often find myself shockingly inadequate by comparison. But I’m determined to learn, because it works so well for you, and for the other people who I know can say these things meaningfully and easily, and it’s so wonderful to be on the receiving end of. I want to be able to do that for the people who matter to me.

      No ‘deserving’, no- just choice. And delight. And such happiness because yes – my world, too, is sparklier by far with you in it. I’m glad right back, that you call me friend.

      And thank you for the most beautiful compliments about my writing. Yours, as you know, I adore, and is one of the ones I run for.

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  6. What a beautiful post. I’m so excited I was smart enough to subscribe. I’m not sure if your writing makes me want to work harder at my own or quit entirely. Lovely, Lizzie. You break, and warm, my heart all at the same time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Shhh, your writing is perfectly wonderful – I’ve read it, remember? πŸ™‚ I don’t want my writing to ever make anyone want to quit! More writing = more connecting = GOOD! I love how it works, and how the gentle trickle of words into a soul can make a genuine difference.

      I’m so honoured that you’ve subscribed for my posts. Thank you so, so much πŸ™‚ And thank you also for such lovely feedback on this piece πŸ™‚ That’s really special and it counts for a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. You are an absolute gift to this world Lizzi and I hope that you know that – if you EVER doubt that, come back to this post and read these comments.
    There’s a lot of love for you here.
    LOVE.
    Yes get over here you British something something, this Canadian is going to give you some maple syrup lovin.
    I don’t know what that even means but it sounds sticky so you might want to bring some soap and water.

    Liked by 1 person

    • In the least (or most, whatever) inappropriate way possible, sticky, sweet, Canadian Maple-syrup lovin’ sounds AWESOME. I’m there πŸ™‚

      You’re in there too, in that post. I hope you know that ❀

      And I'm sneaking comments into a document to remind me of this when I'm feeling low – that in spite of how I feel, THESE gorgeous responses are how the people I love, experience me. And that's amazing. I want to remember that.

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  8. In the mirror a demon’s reflection
    Saturated with self-made rejection
    A furious tempest rages inside
    Destructive thoughts pull like the tide

    Every fault you scrutinize
    Overly examine and analyze
    Personal foibles detract from self-worth
    Lower you sink ’til buried ‘neath earth

    ‘Tis true that you’re your worst enemy
    A painful truth too plain to see
    It sinks my heart when you suffer so
    It tears at me that you’ll never know

    No soul shines as brightly as yours
    Compassion seeps through your every pore
    Your smile brightens the darkest days
    Your laughter can hold each teardrop at bay

    You give with nary a thought of return
    You exude for all authentic concern
    You fight and fight ’til bitter end
    I’m so very blessed to call you my friend

    My sentiments you may never return
    I know your trust is hard to earn
    Here me now for what I say is true
    Lizzi, my friend, I dearly love you

    Liked by 1 person

    • I trust you. I choose you. And you’re here, at this post, on purpose, my BTFFFL. Promise. Thank you πŸ™‚ ❀

      Your poem is breathtaking. I'm gonna keep it alongside Sandy's comment, in a document I can bring up when I'm feeling low, and REMEMBER that my opinion of myself is one amongst any, and that I shouldn't be so determined to keep it centre-stage, when there are other viewpoints to take into consideration.

      You, and your friendship, are lovely and important and wonderful.

      Thank you for them. HUGE.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I hope that all the love and support you’re getting here are casting light on your darkness. You really are quite amazing, BBFFFL. I could go on and on about how wonderful, but then we’d fight when you argued with me πŸ˜‰

        Seriously, I truly believe everything I’ve said.

        Liked by 1 person

        • You’re amazing. And I have to admit that TODAY, in the face of such a glorious onslaught of love, my dark thoughts have cowered and hidden, and I feel (as Beth would say) a hundred gym feet tall.

          I maintain that I’m only amazing in the way that anyone can be, but I love being it, at the moment. And today I won’t fight you. I shall accept your words as genuinely meant and completely delightful and wonderful. You, sir, are AWESOME. And I hope YOU know how much. You’ve seen a lot of my worst, to counter-balance the ‘what I put out there’, and I do appreciate that you still like me the same. πŸ™‚

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          • Yes, you are only amazing in the way that anyone can be, but most people just aren’t. You know this. It’s one of the reasons you’re championing 1000Speak.

            Yes, I’ve been privy to your darker side, and you mine, but I think we both understand that the sun can’t shine all the time. There must be some darkness in order for there to be light, and your light is magnificent.

            As for me, I’m not as down on myself as I used to be. I’m somewhere in the middle, I think. I don’t think I’m a horrible person, but I don’t think I’m anything special, either. I just…am. But it warms my heart to know that you think I am.

            Liked by 1 person

  9. You writing is a huge thesaurus of I love yous. Your care and concern comes through loud and clear, no matter which words you choose to convey that feeling. Your writing is some of the bravest I know. β™₯

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  10. I adore your writing style, Lizzi, and it’s so funny because you can always tell when something you say strikes a chord with me because I start skimming. And I have to go back and force myself to read that which sent me skittering away like a feral cat. Like this part: “You won’t know about the white-hot spears that rejection thrusts into my soul….even if you say we’re alright.” (see? I did it again)

    What a gift you have. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for such a lovely compliment πŸ™‚

      It fascinates me that a struck chord sends you running. And that it was rejection which sent you running, here. Fear not, feral one – I’m good with skittery cat-types. I’m patient and insistent and will act the clown to please you and keep you coming back to watch until such time as the skittishness settles, and the idea of (metaphorically) holding my gaze isn’t such a big thought.:)

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I saw this first thing this morning and had to wait and wait and wait until everyone was on their way about their day so I could sit and enjoy every last word, knowing it would be intensely beautiful and more than likely make me cry. Which it did and that really isn’t easy to do.
    You are such a special, special person, EG. No matter what you think this many people cannot be wrong. I see what is on the inside and the outside and I sit here and dare to say that I have fairly good instincts about people and you, my love, are a treasure.
    You amaze me with your ability to be everywhere, spreading goodness and mischievous wit all at once. You write like a dream with a talent that up to now I have found unmatched (and considering I know a LOT of writing type people, that’s saying something). You are always there when someone needs an ear or a lift or a good dose of ‘in-your-face’ logic. You are a good person….you just might as well face it. Less than perfect parts be damned because guess what?? We all have those. Each and every one of us. You accept us anyway.
    You have made many a day with this wonderful post and I hope you know that the love (yes…I said it!!) in this is returned to you over and over and over again.

    I adore you, my EG!

    P.S. As a gift to me on this overrated ‘holiday’, do not dare to argue with any word of this comment. ‘Kay?

    Liked by 3 people

    • *twinklysparklyglowy* My DA, I shan’t dare to argue with you, or your instincts, and I shall sit here and allow myself to delight a little bit, at the strength of your convictions. Thank you. I shall try very hard to remember your words the next time I fall off the edge into spiralling inadequacy. In fact, I might just save your comment so I can do that more easily!

      *happy sighs* Today has been such a lovely day – it’s been wonderful to be able to share with the people who matter, how I feel, even if it was in a bit of a cowardly manner. It’s still far too scary to say it ‘properly’ and individually, but the people to whom this belongs, KNOW, I think, and you know, and I’m glad of it. It has brightened my heart and my world immeasurably to see that the gesture I thought (prior to writing it) would be a really crappy one which didn’t matter, has been taken straight to heart, and recognised for all the goodness and love I intended it with.

      That’s amazing. And you’re amazing. And as one of the people whose opinions I respect, and whose character I admire, thank you. I know we all have crappy, duff bits, and you’re someone who often writes about those so frankly and openly, and I still feel like you’re the determined warrior in whose footsteps I’m learning to tread. So thank you, for your wrongs and your rights and your good and bad and everything in between.

      But most of all, for your friendship, and yes, for your love. Which is absolutely returned to you πŸ™‚

      I remain, your EG ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I crawled out of bed after Joe let me sleep in and sat here yawning at my computer, barely two sips into my coffee, and this is the first thing I read. I don’t know if I’ve ever started my day with completely engulfing tears of… everything. You have just elicited so many emotions with this. Your words know how to ooze off of the screen and find their way deep into my heart. And who said it, above? You are describing YOU, Lizzi. Every beautiful thing you wrote, it is YOU. I know you don’t believe that but you’re going to have to take my (our) word for it. If there was some way I could scream at you, shake you to make you see that, I would.

    For me, it is your friendship that really broke through the wall of distance I’d been keeping between myself and the people I was meeting here. You made me feel so welcome and more than that, you pulled me in. I was scared and you made me feel safe. You have made this place so much more rich and warm and real for me. You have made my life richer by knowing you. I honestly have never met someone like you, ever. Someone who can bring so many people together, who has deep true connections with so many people. Who makes this small world we share better. You do. Don’t deny it, just believe me when I say it.

    And your raw honesty is so brave. You don’t just put the good, bright shiny side out there like I do. Like a lot of us do because the other stuff is so scary to share. You open yourself up to show us all of it and that is generous and brave and gives me a sense of relief that I’m not completely crazy, that I’m not totally messed up. Cause Lizzi feels this and she’s amazing, so I must be ok too.

    I hope you deep down feel some of these things I’m saying and that all of these people here who LOVE you are saying. You have a huge, giant tribe of people who would fight for you. You have so many people who admire you and care about you and see all the wonderful amazing things that make up Lizzi. And one day, dear god, I hope one day you finally see what we all see.

    I know this is ridiculously long, but I don’t care. Thank you for letting me into your world and for pulling me out of my shell just a little bit more. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with me. Thank you for becoming a true treasured friend. And I can say this so much easier in writing than in spoken words, but that’s ok. Writing is where my real deepest feelings are so it’s fitting that I can say I love you Lizzi. I am grateful to know you. <3<3<3

    ***I mentioned this quote to you recently and it will forever be, in my mind, written for you: "The love you take is equal to the love you make" And LOOK at all of the love here.***

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    • G, my darling, if I was a person who wasn’t cold and English and (apparently) incapable of bawling at loveliness, I would be sat here in floods of tears. As it is, I feel as though I’ve swallowed a balloon of happiness, and it’s filled up my heart to the very edges, and is trying to expand outwards and wrap the whole of my being in delight.

      I’m listening. I’m trying so hard to hear and also to internalise what you’re saying. That you said I made you feel safe…that’s amazing and awesome, and so, so wonderful. I’m so glad, and am thrilled to pieces that you’ve made genuine, strong connections, and have reached out from behind that intentional distance. I’m fascinated, really, because you’re perhaps the third person to say that they feel I reached out and brought them in, and honestly, I don’t see that as particularly special because I really don’t know any other way. When I fall for someone’s words, that’s it, and I want to be friends with them. (Beth sent me a video last night of dogs annoying cats with their friendship…she has this theory about how people are dogs (goofy and warm and soppy and annoying and protective) or cats (aloof and poised and wary and eventually snuggly once they trust you), and she reckons I’m a dog person)

      Anyway, now I’m off on a tangent. Of course I don’t believe I’m as wonderful as you (ye) seem to, but I’m content to believe that you (ye) believe it. And as I attribute all of my fine friends with a sense of discernment and capability, then on some level, I am forced to accept that yes – there are good things about me, and making strong connections and building community is one of them. I love that. There – something I love about myself!

      You’re not messed up, and I’m SO GLAD to hear that you find it worthwhile that I write all the everythings. Goodness knows why I do, sometimes – I really let it all hang out, but knowing that it helps, is such a boost. I self-edit, of course, because we all do, but I really do need this space to NOT just be all the shinyhappypretty bits of life. I want it to show the dirt and grit and brokenness too, because that’s REAL.

      As you can imagine, I can say less in spoken than I can in writing, and I can say little enough in that!! But the feeling – if I can evoke that, and get you to understand anything, then it should be this – that I cherish your friendship and I’m so glad of it, and to know you πŸ™‚ ❀

      (Never apologise for an essay. I love them πŸ™‚ (and you see how easy it is for me to "love" things and concepts, but never people!)

      Like

  13. Read it this morning holding my breath and experienced so many emotions from profound happiness to sadness. How could such pure emotions repell anyone? I was actually looking for myself in your words. Such beautiful emotions should only evoke the desire to reciprocate. I love you for being able to feel so deeply and express so beautifully!!! Thank you for this!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You were there, Katia. I bub you, and because it’s silly, I can say it, and mean it. Which is faintly ridiculous but look – I’ve just written an entire post where I hide behind words, so I can do it again in the comments, and know that, whatever, I’m completely transparent and just a scaredy-cat.

      And…I worry that sometimes I come off too strong or too clingy or needy or just a bit pathetic. Those were all the thoughts whirling around my brain earlier last night, when I decided that a valentine’s day love-letter to my friends was a completely crappy, trite idea, and none of them would really care anyway. Fie on my brain. Took me a while to get out of that funk and write this, but I’m SO glad I did. And I’m glad that you’re part of it πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

        • Well…that’s a way of looking at it that I hadn’t thought of before. For me, openness has always been vulnerability and the sign of weakness which can be preyed upon by people who aren’t nice. Fortunately everyone here is LOVELY. But still…I remain guarded, just in case πŸ˜‰

          Liked by 1 person

          • I understand. I’m very much the same in real life. I just think that we’re so programmed to follow certain patterns in real life whereas writing allows you to step back, pause and examine yourself, consciously deciding what to put out there. I think that it takes a very bitter person to engage in a hurtful dialogue in a realm that’s created on the premise of opening up and sharing. This is not to dismiss your sensitivity. There are certain websites I won’t submit to for fear of encountering meanness.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Fortunately I’ve only submitted to one place. And it was fine. I don’t think it’s a route I’ll try too often though. The rejection bit sucks, and I’ve got my people around me here, so what more do I need? πŸ™‚

              Like

  14. Wow. I almost didn’t know what to say in response, even though I felt compelled to comment… That was just so beautifully written, so honest and deep. I read it and thought, “If it’s meant for someone in particular, they would be moved to either speechlessness or tears.” But then I thought, it may not be directed to a specific person – and if it’s not, it doesn’t matter, because this represents the things we don’t always have the courage to say to people we care about, because revealing the depth of our feelings is like peeling away the onion layers and leaving ourselves vulnerable, which can be pretty scary. This post reminds us we should dip into that courage and vulnerability with the ones we hold closest to our hearts, because in the end they’re the ones who will cherish it most. πŸ™‚ Thanks for sharing, Lizzi.

    It reminded me of something I did for my birthday last year. I decided I wanted to give “gifts” to a few people who mean the world to me. So I wrote one letter each to six people, letting them know why I was grateful for them. And holy cow, it was hard to sum up my feelings and appreciation for each one. Did you find writing this post difficult as well? Or was it more “stream-of-conscious”? Or both?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I found it so, SO hard, Sara, and at the same time, easy, because in thinking of ‘all my friends’ rather than trying to direct one thought at a single person, and imagine their response (and my anxiety at it), I was able to say a lot of the things I really, really would LOVE to be able to say, were I not such a scaredy-cat. And the people for whom its intended can take the pieces they think belong to them, and the people who feel as though this isn’t for them will just know how deeply I value and cherish and love my friends.

      Your birthday idea sounds gorgeous. I can only imagine how hard it was, and how difficult to get a coherent stream of thought going without coming across as trite or saccharine. I’ve done similar things in the past, and it was TERRIFYING.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ahhhh. So it was your Valentine for everyone then. πŸ˜€

        It was! I was afraid I was rambling and incoherent at times, but I just kept going on each one – probably because I truly, honestly wanted to do that project. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

        • Well, for a composite set of close friends, most of whom I’ve been far to intimidated by the thought of the response, to say it properly, out loud.

          I felt exactly that – rambling and incoherent – with this. But it felt important to do. So I did it.

          Liked by 1 person

  15. If only I could somehow maybe express myself anywhere near as well as you I would say …

    See? I don’t have words like you… Beautiful words that cause happy, connected, and trustworthy tears.

    I can’t because everything is always wrapped up in those three words and all the feelings rush in behind them and scurry around with so many ideas and inspirations – still yet all I can muster is those three words. Those three words that are filled to the brim with everything you just described and maybe even overflowing because I too feel vulnerable…but not too vulnerable when it comes to you.

    You mean so much to so many really great people and you don’t see the inspiration and love you have gofted them…me the most.

    You are my reflection and yet I know if I saw your face , your smile, your eyes looking back at me each morning I would be completely complete.

    I LOVE YOU..
    In reals always,

    HASTY

    Liked by 1 person

    • Perhaps most of all, Sunset, I feel as though if you and I raised our hands to the screen at the same time, our fingertips would touch. You are my 1000-mile heart, and I am beyond delighted to have you in my life. Having your friendship is such a privilege, and I’ve been bowled over completely by how alike we are. I’m not going to get up.

      That little red book was just the beginning. This is an Epic, and we’ll find the words between us. You’re one of the greats, my wonderful friend, and I would not be without you.

      September can’t come soon enough, and then, there I’ll be, looking back at you. For reals.
      ❀

      Like

  16. You have SUCH a way with words you don’t need any ONE word. You string letters and words together like an artist easily throws paint at a canvas and creates a thing of beauty, while the rest of us just stare and wonder HOW that can happen with the same physical things we have access to. We all have the same alphabet but you paint such word art and make it look so easy, I feel like I’m missing some letters πŸ™‚ your wonderful friends are lucky to have you!
    And fortunate that you take the time to recognize the goodness in everyone. That is difficult for so many of us mere mortals, especially the ones who struggle with those letters. And what do you call em…..oh yeah words!
    Love you and your beautiful word paintings!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Joy-to-my-world, there are pieces of this post which are to you, my friend. I don’t consider you to be ‘mere’ ANYTHING, and to me, your Big Blogger status is only outdone by the size of your shinybright heart. We might have different talents at writing, across the Blogosphere, but you are one of the bloggers who LIVES HER WORDS. You write, and you DO, and you care. And that’s wonderful, and such an inspiration. AND you’re funny and sweet and kind and hilarious. And you’ve no idea how much I adore you – none at all πŸ™‚ ❀

      Like

      • That means the world to me, as an admirer of yours! As real people who are works in progress, we tend to underplay what we do (and I don’t just mean the royal ‘we’ I mean you and me) and it’s SO nice when someone actually takes the time to acknowledge, and say nice things like this and I NEVER do this, but I’m so glad that you and that you did right now. It’s a lot of pressure over here on me right now, and so many things to do can always feel like I need to do MORE, or I could do something better, or I should really just take the glittery envelope I’ve sealed to you and take it to the post office already! But I forget to think about the things I DO. That’s crappy, but I’m just a person. I’m really glad you wrote this. I’ve come a long way, so many people have, and it’s nice to have SOMEONE somewhere recognize it. It really does make me feel so great, like a rockstar or something slightly less glamorous, but still as important. I couldn’t sleep so I woke up at like 4am my time b/c I knew I needed to edit something I wrote yesterday, really badly, and I wanted to read your TToT and I just couldn’t sleep until I got up and read it. Then I saw the link to this and I just really wanted to read it again and I feel so much better, somehow less frazzled. I don’t know why, but THANK YOU. Really, really, thank you! You’re the bestest!

        Liked by 1 person

        • I think you’re wonderful, Joy. You give me laughs and hope, and light, and happiness, and I’m just SO MANY times a million glad that I know you and that we’re friends. You have such a wonderful attitude to life and I want to learn it. I want to be like you when I grow up πŸ™‚

          YES you’ve come a long way, and YES still a work in progress, as we all are, but hey, I think you’re fantabulous and I’m glad as anything that I get to be your friend from far away, and to know you and to cheer you on.

          Heading to my TToT now. So glad that this cheered you and made you feel less frazzled. I hope your day goes alright *hugs*

          Like

  17. Eighty-Frist or some such ridiculously not Frist number! (Damn! The ONE night I go to bed early…)
    Well, that little fight for Frist had to have made you laugh this morning. I’m giggling over my Raisin Bran.
    I am 100% horrible at telling people outside of my husband and children how much I (L word) them. It seems my (L word) language is service, and it is really hard to serve someone who lives across the ocean. I completely get your difficulty in expressing your (L word) for others. I struggle myself. And I worry that some people don’t know just how important they are to me. (You may not see me looking directly at you, but I am.)
    But then you do things like this…to so beautifully express what you are thinking and feeling. You are such a wonderful friend, and people who are fortunate enough to be your friend fully know how much you (L word) them.
    This was the perfect thing to wake up to this morning.
    (If I knew how to put a little red heart here, there would totally be one.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I thought of you today. I know you’re not big on the words thing and I guess you can be every bit as awkward as I am, sometimes. I don’t tell people well enough, but I’m trying very hard to learn, because it’s one of those things which is SO lovely to hear, when people say it to me, and I want to have the lack of inhibitions to be able to TELL people, when they mean a lot to me, that they do.

      I’m improving. I’ll keep improving. By 41, baby!

      I try to be a good friend, and I think a lot of the time I succeed, even from a distance. I do what little I can with words, and hope that it helps or matters, and it seems to, in large part. Consider me to be looking right back at you, smiling.

      (and the heart is a < and a 3 put together)

      ((And Dyanne and Kristi's frist-fight made me LARF (especially with Lisa goading them both onwards! (THAT is the kind of thing I utterly adore about this community we have here))))

      Like

  18. Compadre. You write words that might come from my heart, yet you say them so much better. I’ve often thought of writing a post entitled, “My life as an empath.” I feel such a connection to you. Happy Valentine’s Day. Love, love, love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Awwwh thanks Val πŸ™‚ So is THAT what it’s called when you feel ALL THE FEELS for/about/near someone? Because I didn’t know there was a name for this. And so often I can be completely thick about what other people are feeling, but I just know that I fall under the spell of my own feelings with stunning frequency.

      I’m glad you like this so much. I think you should DEFINITELY write that post. I’d be fascinated to read it πŸ™‚

      Like

    • Oh I’m sorry you weren’t able to sleep, Michelle. I hope you’ve had something of a restful day, or at least one which was manageable. Bless your boots, at least it’s Friday, and you have the weekend to relax.
      Thanks for liking this so much. It took me ages to get this right (and it was WAY late at night and I was half-asleep, having spent the evening convinced that my idea was an atrocious one, and found a way around it at silly’o’clock in the morning!)

      *mwah* πŸ™‚

      Like

  19. you do got yourself some pretty interesting friends. Miz Lizzi

    I enjoyed reading your Post today, (it sounds like the memory of an echo I once heard)… lol yeah, you’re right… everything we say is somewhere between ‘isn’t that from an old song’ and ‘what?!

    you have made a difference in the lives of (untold/uncounted) clarks in this virtual-but-still-real world of the blogsphere… very cool

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have incredible friends. Life-changing ones. Whether it’s outlook or understanding or trying to embetter myself, or building relationships and figuring out how to navigate life with some semblance of grace and propriety (okay, hahahaha NO, not that!)…they count. They support me and make a difference and they MATTER.

      I can’t put that to music, though πŸ™‚

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  20. This was so beautiful and raw and real . . . I admit to crying just a bit I as read. Your gratitude is precious and these words from that lovely, fragile heart of yours (I don’t think you realize just how lovely it is) were as honest as any I’ve ever heard.

    I want to let you in on a little secret, sweet one, there are those who feel the same about you. As I was reading I couldn’t help thinking, *Dear Lizzi, you are describing you*.

    A friendship that can give life to such glorious emotion is more than a blessing. I happen to feel quite honored and humbled that you *chose* silly me, as you did, and extended that hand of friendship, for a moment I hesitated but your words captivated me and then they offered me new paths to explore, because really, Lizzi, you kind of reached into my bubble and I am so thankful I didn’t retreat and decided to choose you right back.

    You are the light that reaches into the dark places some of us find ourselves in, you may not know it, but you are, and I only hope I can return the favor when you are in need.

    You are a good friend and you certainly are deserving and worthy, (I know, those pesky words) of the best of friends in return.

    Love your heart . . .

    Liked by 2 people

    • I actually giggled out loud, Crystal, because you anticipated me so well, and I still feel like there are so many character parallels between us, and that just makes me happy through and through. You’re one of the newer-ish people I seem to have fallen quite deeply in friends with, and I’m just thrilled to pieces that you didn’t mind me being so determined about being part of your bubble. I’m thankful you didn’t retreat, either πŸ™‚

      As to the rest, bless your boots ❀ You made me go all *glowy* and I kind of secretly love the idea that you think I could have fitted the bill for this…I don't feel that at all, as you know, but I know that there are many friends I love very dearly, and even though I'm pants at saying it, I do have All The Feels about it.

      *hugs* Thank you for you, and for being a part of my 'here' πŸ™‚ ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  21. I am crying. Dear Heart, when you love people that much it is returned to you a hundred-fold…
    you are a treasure, LIzzi, try to always remember that a lot of someone’s think that…for me, you are a diamond in the center of a star that makes music. You are unique and precious and rare.

    Liked by 2 people

  22. Oh. My. Heart. This is just so… well, I don’t have words either. But you found them. Oh you are such a gift. To many. To ME. I love this LOVE letter… and I can safely assume that every single person reading it feels the very same about you.

    I do.

    I believe the words are…

    I LOVE YOU.

    Deeply, always and forever.

    *Goosebumps*

    Liked by 3 people

    • See, Kitty, you were always SO very much better at that than I ever was or (probably) could hope to be. You’re there, in capitals, being so brave you make it seem like not bravery at all, just natural and right and comfortable. And I so admire that πŸ™‚ I’ve actually learned a LOT from you (slowly) about being open and able to express these things out loud. So thank you HUGE for that, and for your wonderful friendship ❀

      Like

  23. I love you and love your words and you being open and doing the brave. Thank you for any of the parts that were maybe about me and thank you even more for the parts that weren’t because reminders of here-ness and the huge global village we live in are always always real and important and you. You are so wonderful.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That said, your not-the-frist-but-read-it-frist-comment is lovely, thank you. And….I’m getting there. Mostlykindasometimes. Ish. *blush* Cos it’s still easier to hide behind words than come out and say anything, but I do ❀ you big. (P.S. Watch your mailbox soon, like, in a coupla weeks)

      Like

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