I wasn’t ready to write this, all of a sudden, because my brain had a short-but-violent meltdown of the ‘disordered thoughts’ type, and I couldn’t see beyond the rim of my own navel, for an embarrassingly long couple of hours. Friday evening was spent in a mire of misery and self-loathing and the only thankful I felt was that there are people out there who are not only willing to put up with me in that kind of mood, but who are also encouraging and kind and want me to get through it, when all I wanted to do was wallow in disgust. I’ve not done brilliantly at shaking the feelings, and I’m still a little bit wallowy as I write this, but at least the panic and anxiety about all the silly-very-small-doesn’t-matter-anyway-not-really-because-it’s-lies-and-that’s-the-problem stuff has abated and I’m just left with a greasy sense of shame slopping against the insides of my mind, like the flotsamed, foam-spackled heavings in the corner of a harbour at slack tide.
I’m gonna write my wrongs though, and I’m hoping to take you with me. I need to distract, focus on the GOOD, and do my best to entertain and engage you, because that’s what this is about – Thankfulness as a way to connect with one another and share and celebrate the good things, because they ARE THERE – and to build that community I need to not bore you to tears. So Onwards and Upwards with the Silver Linings, Good Things, and *twinklysparklyshinystuff*
Soooo it’s gonna be a week viewed through Ten Positive Emotions (wot I felt at the time (cos it’s also all about feelings (because sometimes feelings are a bit too transient or easy to forget (or sometimes in *that* moment, too elusive (given that in large part, it’s not how we FEEL but who we ARE, that counts (but being able to Feel the Good Feels (not like THAT!) is important anyway))))))
Somehow, whatever way it is that these things take hold and begin to weave themselves through our beings, there is poetry in my soul. I like to read it, I sometimes like to hear it read, I like to write it, and it is sufficiently powerful a force in my life (and has been since I was smallish) that after blogging for a while, I decided that there was little which would delight my soul better than to have a blog dedicated to poetry. Thus the Well Tempered Bards was born, and my fellow bard and I have a gorgeous little arena in which to air our whims when the urge to po an ‘-em’ strikes. But we don’t do it ALL the time, so it was my pleasure to start a ‘Guest Bards’ feature, and on Friday, my lovely friend Jess Scott (a.k.a. The Lunatic Poet) was featured, with her gorgeous piece about compassion, called We Are Fire.
I’ve seen determination in action, in SO many ways. So many stories of people who have discovered themselves amidst storms of one sort and another, and who have kept going, kept fighting, and kept on making life better for those around them, because life lived in a way which honours, supports and cares for others, even when it is challenging to do, is a life well-lived. And you know something delightful? As I thought of this, I began listing the names of people (many IRL, but also bloggers) who I’ve see do this, who I know LIVE this, and I was going to share a couple of examples with you, but in actual fact, every time I thought of someone brave or strong or courageous or facing down the odds or helping someone else…I thought of another person and another person and another person, and the list of people I’d like to tell you about just grew and grew and grew. If you’re reading this and you’re a regular to the TToT, or to #1000Speak, or to my part of the Blogosphere in general, then just know that I’m probably talking about you, in some measure, and THANK YOU for your incredibly good example, and the inspiration you provide. You’re wonderful.
Trust is vital to healthy relationships, and I’m very blessed by the fact that I have several friends and family members (and Husby) who I can trust to respond with best intentions (even if they sometimes come across awry) and that there are people who I can explain my highs and lows to, and who understand (or try to) and support me without judging, and without telling me I’m wrong/bad, but who accept my failings and my achievements with equanimity, and who I know will remain steadfast.
After a bit of a sudden culture clash, I wrote FUNNY and shared it in one of the most fitting places on the Blogosphere for slightly risque hilarity – chez Beth, where the post itself was well-received, and the comments section turned rapidly into a melee of amusement and bawdiness and high spirits. It has been a delight, through the latter part of the week, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed popping back to see the developments.
This week my knuckle swelled up into a very painful Hulk-knuckle, and stopped working properly. It hurt to move, and crunched when I flexed it. It was red and hot and beginning to be a bit of an impediment, so on my ‘office day’ lunch break, I walked the ten seconds around the corridor to the walk-in centre, was seen within 40 minutes by a triage nurse and a man who took x-rays, and then left my extension number to be called when it was my turn to be seen, so that I could resume work for the afternoon. As it happened, I wasn’t called until AFTER work, at about 4.45pm, but the receptionist at the walk-in-centre was so helpful to me, in letting me know what level of queue I was in, and letting the nurses know that I would BE there, I was just working around the corner, when they almost discharged me…and the fact that in my working day I could go and get free x-rays and medical assessment to reassure me that my knuckle is NOT broken, it just needs a rest from punching things for a bit…that is amazing, and I was acutely aware of my good fortune of living in a country where the less-than-perfect NHS is still probably the best system in the world, for those who can’t afford private healthcare.
My Soulie, Vince, is coming to stay for a few days, as I’m off work for a holiday, and he CAN. So we’re gonna. There will be fun and hugs and long chats and lots and LOTS of Real and Important…and I’m going to as close to love every minute of it as I can. All else be hanged! It means I won’t be around on the Blogosphere as much as usual, but I’ll be popping in and out. (Apologies in advance if I miss you on the TToT – will try to catch up later in the week)
Husby and I went out for a date and as we walked along, hand in hand, under the cold, frosty sky, we rounded a corner and THEE MOST INCREDIBLE sight met our eyes, because in the sky, nestled amongst tiny, cats-paw clouds, was an AMAZING RAINBOW MOON! We stopped and stared at it, agog, and I took several very bad pictures, which didn’t remotely do it justice, and we just watched it become brighter and more beautiful, and more aura’d in rainbows until there was almost a circular rainbow around the whole outside of it…
It’s been a week of awards and of people doing Good Things, and sharing important stuff, and trying to make a difference in their own worlds and in other peoples’. I’ve also been very personally encouraged by the willingness to share personal experience and support, which I’ve received from a number of friends. It’s really helped, and I’m hugely grateful. But the idea that anyone’s got challenges which feel insurmountable, and that they feel ALONE…that sucks. So I’m thrilled that the stories at SisterWives are still going strong and making a HUGE impact for positive in the worlds of both the authors and the readers, and I’m MORE thrilled that Kerri’s mission to spread awareness of the PACS1 genetic mutation (which affects her daughter – one of only TWENTY diagnosed people in the world) is receiving support. Learn more, and KEEP SUPPORTING IT!
Last weekend a massive wave of grief hit me, and I wrote it out of me, and after a truly awful day, felt the wonder and comfort of compassion – of people reaching out to nurture me and offer me what they could in the way of care, and it made a huge difference, both IRL and online. Thank goodness for sources of compassion and love, because they keep us going, sometimes. I was rescued, AGAIN, by my ‘village’ and ‘1000 Voices Speak for Compassion‘ has its own video promotion out, with snippets from many about compassion, what it means, and why it’s important.
February 20th is fast approaching, and I *think* I’ve figured out what I’m going to be writing about for The Big Day (check back here next week for the reveal). Meantime, I have a new Tale From the Van to write up, and a couple of guest posts about compassion and how important it is, and I just LOVE that I can write and people will appreciate and interact with it. That, to me, is WONDERFUL. I love it. It makes this all feel worthwhile, because it’s not just chucking words into a vacuum – it’s writing things which have impact, which hold some measure of influence, and which evoke a RESPONSE. That’s amazing, isn’t it?
What’s been amazing you, then?