No, you don’t deserve me…

Come here and sit with me for a few minutes, my lovely – there’s something I want to tell you.

It’s not a big thing, and really no more than semantics and a measure of stubbornness on my part, but it’s something which sticks in my craw and I want to get cleared up once and for all, and it’s this: No, you don’t deserve me.

No You Dont Deserve Me

You’ve been tricky to find lately, and I feel as though I’ve caught echoes of your laughter or seen the place where you were but moments before. I’ve held out my hands to catch the kisses you’ve blown as you’ve zephyred past and out of sight again, consumed by the need to be present elsewhere. Keeping up with you is like trying to hold onto a shadow, and you’re in grave danger of becoming Mythical, but at whatever point you settle to tidy your wings and sup a little something before taking flight once more, I hope that you find time to read this.

I felt like an asshole when we last spoke. I probably behaved a bit like one, too. You used a word (quite innocently) in reference to yourself, and it cut at me. Such a simple, little word. So much inherent within it, which I refuse to accept. So instead of continuing the conversation and just enjoying your presence, I took issue. But I want to tell you WHY, in more detail than I gave you back then…

“Deserve”.

We say it when a badly-behaved person gets their come-uppance.

We say it when we feel we’ve accomplished something good and want to reward ourselves.

We say it when we see something good happen to someone we admire.

We say it when we see something bad happen to someone we dislike.

We use it to judge.

We use it to confer worth.

It seems to be the adult equivalent of ‘good boy’ or ‘bad girl!’, where a child’s personal value and goodness somehow becomes dependent on their actions. I remember being taught to never, ever, ever use those terms, because children are intrinsically valuable, and although their behaviour might be more or less desirable, nothing can alter how worthwhile they are.

Furthermore, it serves as a measure of entitlement; a justification for celebration or condemnation, depending on the antecedent. Advertising uses it to sell products to people who feel as though they should have expense and luxury.

It’s very affirming, as long as you forget that one false move – one slip-up or goof or alteration of behaviour into a more negative pattern – and you could be very rapidly stripped of your position as one of life’s successes. From there, you are trapped, because you bought into the idea that as long as you are behaving in ‘good’ ways, then you are enough – you are deserving.

But then the inverse must surely be true – that if you behave in negative ways, you are no longer deserving.

Worse, the things you want and don’t get, or the situations you wish could be rectified, those things have gone wrong because you haven’t behaved well enough to deserve them. And somehow other people get these things handed to them on a plate? They’re more worthwhile than you – they must be – they got the things and you didn’t. But NO! That can’t be right? Surely ‘deserve’ is beyond behaviour, isn’t it?

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s entitlement. Because you’re worth it.

I do very badly with ‘deserving’ because I’ve never really thought that I do. Previously that was down to a complete lack of self-worth, but lately things have shifted for the better on that front. There’s still no ‘deserving’, though, because if I deserve the good, for the places and times I’ve behaved well or been worthy enough, then I also deserve the bad, for the places and times when I haven’t.

And in some ass-backward karmic shuffle, that means that I’m shunted into history and once more fighting the thought that I miscarried because I didn’t deserve to be a mother, which is ridiculous. The ability to reproduce has nothing to do with personal worth. From thence we can jump off into all kinds and manners of measuring a person, their actions, their personality…all this judgement, whether against others or self, leaves us tangled and hung-up on whether or not anyone’s really worth it.

Not to mention the obligation it would put on each of us if we were to truly attempt to meet the expectations of all the spoken, visible or physical affirmations given to us, because they were ‘deserved’…wWe would go quite mad.

When you told me you didn’t deserve my friendship, in spite of the flippancy of the remark, it stayed with me, brooding in a corner of my soul, because I don’t want you to feel that way, not even in jest or light-heartedness. I also rankleΒ  at the suggestion that my (or anyone’s) friendship is something another person could be entitled to, or a thing which is too good for them because of who or how they are.

And so I wrote this, because I love you dearly, and I want you to understand the knots this word ties me into:

Knots, because I’ve seen the ways you can make your friends light up with your care and attention.

Knots, because I’ve observed your anger and your gloom and resignation.

Knots, because I’ve been blessed with your love.

Knots, because there have been times when I’ve felt you’ve forgotten me.

Knots, because you’re incredible and brave and beautiful and amazing and creative and kind and talented and wonderful.

Knots, because you can be snarky and grouchy and careless and distant and snappish.

Knots, because my friendship could never be reward nor punishment enough for any of those, nor do I wish it to be.

Knots, because I know that whatever you do or say, or don’t, you can’t possibly deserve me…

…and butterflies, because no, my darling, you don’t deserve me – I choose you.

 

 

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96 thoughts on “No, you don’t deserve me…

  1. I can’t think of many things that I could add to this glorious love-thread. You spread friendship and love much more freely than I think you realize. You’re an amazing soul, my Empire Gal. So glad we chose each other.

    Even if I did choose you first ;).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank goodness you did! I would not have my Blogosphere without you, my Darling American. Truly. Of all the moments of kismet, that day when you decided to stick around is definitely up there with some of the most influential times I never knew about until afterwards πŸ™‚

      And thank you, so much. I really hope that I do spread love and friendship, and it’s wonderful to be thought of in those terms. Long may it continue, and long may my determination to do so be successful. I’m just glad there are not only so many people amongst whom to share the love and friendship, but who give it back in such delightful bucketfuls πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish I didn’t fall into the trap of feeling like I do or don’t “deserve” certain relationships. I’m not fully in touch with it, but I know on some level there are relationships I don’t think I deserve.

    It has to be. Because why else would I settle for relationships that make me so unhappy? I must not think I deserve better.

    I want to work this out. I have to.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Maybe YOU don’t think you deserve better…perhaps that’s the nail hit squarely on the head *sigh*

      The thing is, all relationships are chosen, and you stay in them because they do something for you – they either support or reinforce something you think is important to emphasise – it’s still not about deserving, because it’s not about your WORTH, Precious…it’s about how you see yourself and the ways those relationships support that view.

      I wish you could separate out the two. Your worth is intrinsic, and you are wonderful.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Well hell. See what I mean, Lizzi? You are the kind of friend everyone needs. You are there in the snark and distant times and so available and there when the sunshine gets covered by the clouds. It’s been dark lately, and I have been quiet. Almost silent. And there have been those days when I just wanted to disappear, and often times on those days, I get a glimmer of a star, and that’s all I need. Thank you for choosing me. I am grateful. More than you know.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know it got dark. I missed you and I know it’s not me – it’s whatever takes precedent and keeps you quiet until you’ve sorted it out and are ready to be ‘out there’ again. I’m glad you didn’t disappear. Incredibly glad. And I’ll keep doing my best to be shiny, cos I chose you, choose you, and will keep choosing you entirely on purpose and with full intent. Cos friendship.

      You are my Squishy πŸ™‚ ❀

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    • Jaded1, if I’m honest, I wonder why she chose me. She’s someone I often feel inadequate beside (because I suck – I fall into comparison traps about every ten minutes at the moment) – she is just wonderful and I adore her. But…goodness knows why she feels undeserving. I hope it was just semantics and a simple way of putting that she was pleased we’re friends. *shrugs* I may never know, but I guess if she ever sees this, she will at least know where I stand.

      Thanks for thinking it beautifully expressed πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

        • Thank you πŸ™‚ I will take them. I went out today with my Soulie, and we had a chat about these words which seem so innocent and ‘utility’ on the surface, but which really undermine and eat away at our sense of worth and get muddled into intrinsic value and entitlement and seem to blur the lines and muddy things up…it’s a word which really rankles with me and I guess I’ve had enough of hearing people I love using it, especially with regard to me…

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  4. As always, this post made me think – which I don’t often do before words come out of my mouth. I’ve never given β€œdeserve” a second thought – until now. Perhaps we should banish it from the lexicon – along with words like β€œought” and β€œshould.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • It would be nice, but it’s an ‘easy’ way of saying a more complicated set of things, and I think that’s where some of the attraction lies. I think it’s a bit of a ‘junk food word’ – it looks good and it serves a purpose in the immediate moment, but actually it’s full of hidden badness.

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  5. I’ve been giving this one considerable mulling. The word “deserve” is so loaded with negativity; it is a particularly judgemental word. I don’t think it’s a word I use, I find myself using different words in situations where that one might come up. When I have found myself overwhelmed by friends who haven’t given up on me despite my uselessness at reciprocity, I have simply said “thank you”. When I want to reward myself sometimes I will say it was “earned” – but why should I have to earn the right to be kind to myself? I agree about the power of the word “choose” – mostly it is affirming. But I also accept that I live with some choices which are not always good for me. I am trying to get better at using the word “could” and banish the word “should”.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes – ‘should’ is loaded, too, And ‘ought’. They both infer that we aren’t doing or being enough, somehow. I don’t like them, but I don’t react as strongly to them as I do to ‘deserve’. I think we can earn stuff though – if I work, then I earn money, and that is mine to spend in whatever manner I wish. That’s fair. If someone exercises sufficiently, then it could be said that they ‘earn’ the negative calories to fill with a treat of some kind.

      But ‘choose’ is beautiful, And responsible. It takes ownership rather than laying it on worth. I like it immensely. I’m glad you find other words than ‘deserve’. I’m going to aim to do the same, because I think I still slip up with it sometimes. I don’t want it to be part of my world.

      Your thought about “why should I have to earn the right to be kind to myself” is interesting. I’ll think on that.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Ah… I hope the person you were writing this for was able to read it. You so poetically and perfectly explained your defense. I don’t like that deserve word. Not for relationships or natural organic circumstances. Deserve implies an equation that justifies ‘earning’ and friendship isn’t earned, nor is love.

    But often, when someone says that- those feelings don’t apply to you- they are all about that person’s weakness, defeat and self worth. I do hope that person feels like he/she can be worthy of such a beautiful friend as you. I’m SURE you will help that person discover that self love.

    And maybe while you’re at it, you will find some more of that too. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

    • Don’t know, Kitty. I’ve not heard back on it, so I’m hoping I didn’t give offense. Regardless, there were a couple of people I wanted to explain this more thoroughly to, and so it still stands, even though it’s ‘aimed’. I hope, hope, hope I didn’t cause upset, but am learning to be patient, and that it’s *probably* not about me, that a response hasn’t been forthcoming. If it is, then I shall do my utmost to make amends, because she’s a wonderful person who I don’t want to lose.

      She’s actually mostly pretty good at the confidence thing. Better than I am, anyway, but I think I probably got carried away in semantics, because this one just bothers me SO much. Not just with her – people have used it with me before and it always leaves me cold. She knows I love her anyway, and that it’s because I choose to.

      And there’s the rub, Kitty…by not ‘deserving’ anything, *I* don’t need to be any different. People choose me anyway, for whatever set of reasons, and it’s wonderful and uplifting and beautiful…I still don’t choose myself. Maybe one day.

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  7. I love your writing and I love that you make me think. You are amazing! I am very familiar with the feelings of being undeserving of motherhood due to my loss and infertility. My logical side knew it was just ridiculous thinking, and definitely a reflection of my feelings of self-worth. Thanks for your insight and beautiful heart. You inspire me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah it’s not about sanction or calling her out. I just want to explain the WHY (and there are actually a couple of friends this applies to, but two more than others) and to get my point across in a way which wasn’t in direct conversation, because I needed to think about it and make sure I worded it right.

      I am glad of her friendship every day, though, and SO happy she chose me.

      I don’t think I’ve ever had a friend vent that they deserved better from me – I hope I’ve managed to avoid being THAT kind of let-down. At least – nothing has been said to my face, and if they’re not able to do that, then I don’t rate the friendship very highly.

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  8. So I have read this … and I all I have to say that nope …. I did deserve that fucking piece of banana bread smothered in butter because I survived this week.
    You know I’m just kidding with you – only slightly because I was seriously owed something really delicious.

    You know, I think I spend more time in your comment section than anywhere else on the internet? Just thinking…I choose you. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heheh now that’s not about deserving, because a bad week owes you nothing, my dear, but you were finding a way to re-establish some equilibrium between the good and the bad. You were giving yourself some nurture and a treat and CHOOSING to be kind to yourself because you survived.

      And how glad I am to know that you DID survive the week, I’m just sad to hear it’s been a surviving-y kind of time for you *HUGE BANANA-BUTTER-HUGS* (or whatever…)

      I’m glad you choose me. I choose you, too, and I think you’re just WONDERFUL πŸ˜€

      P.S. EPIC compliment there, my friend, because I was thinking just earlier this evening about numbers and statistics and followers and more numbers and people being upset about those numbers or thinking they should do better…and I realised (or, rather, reconfirmed to myself) that I really don’t care, because ALL the magic is in the comments, and that spills over and out into friendships beyond the blog, and I LOVE that so very much πŸ™‚

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  9. We all have our own opinions on who deserves what. Some people get what they deserve and some people don’t. The word “deserve” is, by its very definition, tied to worth. Worth, much like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

    As you so eloquently stated, bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Also, good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. Things just…happen. There is no rhyme or reason for what events transpire in our daily lives. Life, as I often tell my children, isn’t fair. There are many things that suck in this world, but the fact they suck doesn’t change the fact that they ARE. We have to deal with them, fair or unfair…deserved or undeserved.

    If I, for example, said to you that you deserve happiness, it’s because, in my mind, you are an extraordinary person who is worthy of having good things happen to you instead of the shitty hand life has sometimes dealt you. It also means that I want good things for you and wish for you to be happy. In short, it would be me expressing my sentiments on how highly my regard for you truly is.

    The problem with a friendship such as ours is our depression. Our depression saps our sense of worth, and we both feel unworthy of the love we may have for each other. If someone tells you or I that they feel lucky to know us or they aren’t worthy of our friendship, we scoff because that person doesn’t know just how wrong they are. We see ourselves in a much darker light than those around us. Those are our demons talking…and winning.

    Lizzi, if I had a magic wand, or the Force, I would use my powers to let you see yourself through the eyes of others, because you could then see the same angel we see when we look at you. Are you perfect? No. None of us are. But that doesn’t mean you’re unworthy.

    I choose you, Lizzi.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I choose you, too, Scott, and I love that we can – and to my mind it really spits in depression’s eye, because it takes the power away from that cycle of unworth, because the choice is not predicated on the other person’s innate value or their ‘deserving’ – it takes the importance and places it on a personal decision to care freely, consistently and purposefully about each other, and that is WONDERFUL.

      I don’t think you ‘deserve’ my friendship and I don’t ‘deserve’ yours, but we both want good things for each other, and we are both FOR one another, and support each other and are in each other’s corner, cheering the other one on as they face life in all its ups and downs. And that’s WONDERFUL too.

      I am so happy, my BTFFFL, that we choose each other, and your friendship and constant support means a HUGE deal to me, and that we keep choosing one another and acting on those choices in ways which build one another up – that’s AWESOME. And wonderful. And amazing. And important. And delightful.

      And that d-word has no place in any of it, because in this context all it means is that we like one another heaps, and want good things to happen for each other.

      Life isn’t fair, definitely. Karma isn’t real (because of the disparity of good and bad things happening to people who behave well or not, and it’s so arbitrary) but CHOICE is always liberating and brilliant.

      Anyway. I want my choice recognised, because it’s my responsibility to make a good one – and I choose you in full knowledge of that πŸ˜€

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  10. OY, what can I say that hasn’t been said?!?! You’re amazing and talented and incredibly caring. I know the D-word is a trigger and very loaded. I see why. I so get it.

    I love what you said in an earlier comment: “If they engage, then wonderful. If not, then it’s because they have higher priorities or I don’t matter to them. In each of those cases, I need to know it’s more a reflection on their state of mind, than on my value as a friend.”

    That right there? such a perfect way to think about it. Because I’ll tell you right now, your friendship is SO VALUABLE. It’s everything. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve learned “that right there” over time. It’s been a hard lesson to learn sometimes, and also an entirely wonderful one, at other moments, when I’ve realised that nothing has changed and I didn’t do anything wrong, and everything’s okay…there was just…other stuff going on, that was nothing to do with me.

      Nothing like befriending a cat to make you truly understand this… πŸ˜‰

      Honestly, if I could ban this word, I would. There are so many better ones, and I LOVE choosing people, and I LOVE when they choose me back. That truly is one of the most amazing joys in friendship – that an amazing human being who I admire and whose presence in my life I appreciate so much, has chosen to be my friend…that astounds and delights me. My next challenge is to relax around that other person’s choice, and stop being so star-struck, especially when that person is someone I hold in hugely, 100 gym-feet-tall regard πŸ˜‰

      And like I’ve said before – if anyone had told me how functional and vital the term ‘BlogWife’ would become in my world, I would have probably rolled my eyes at them. But I cherish your friendship so, so much, and you are a wonderful part of my everyday, and I wouldn’t change that πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ *holds sign, for good measure* πŸ™‚

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  11. Lizzi, your beautiful writing only pales in comparison to your beautiful mind. Yes. “Deserved” implies so many things. When I hear someone say “He didn’t deserve to die” while I appreciate that it’s an expression of frustration, I also find myself thinking “Who does?” I remember when I was going through my surgery when I was younger and a family friend who’d been through a lot of medical issues told me “never say Why Me? Because Why Anyone Else?” I don’t know if that makes sense, but it has the same kind of connotation for me. I love this ❀

    Liked by 2 people

    • G, it makes perfect sense – you hit the nail on the head – why NOT you? Why ANYONE? There is no inherent ‘owing’ within these awful things – they just are! They suck, but they’re not targetted. Your friend was a smart cookie to tell you that, and I’m glad you took that thought with you. You get it.

      I’m glad that you like this πŸ˜€ And thank you for saying such lovely things about my brain and my writing. You know that I completely admire both those things in you, as well, so your endorsement is very pleasing πŸ˜€

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  12. I’ve had a similar thing, someone once told me I deserved better – and somehow, it felt weird. If there’s really something like karma, then apparently I have done something wrong once. Very, very wrong. I’d rather not believe that, but sometimes that is hard.

    But back to your post, how very kind and how very true that you kind of choose your friends!

    Liked by 1 person

    • A very nasty man I once knew told me “I LOVE Karma, because it means if I punch someone in the face, they must have deserved it!” Karma is horrendous, There are consequences to our actions, but no – no ‘deserving’ because it makes such a mockery of the awful things in this world, and all the places where good people suffer and criminals live in the lap of luxury.

      We DO choose our friends. And we choose how much friends we are prepared to be, based on all manner of factors. Choice is a wonderful, liberating thing. It is a freedom and a delight πŸ™‚

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  13. Brilliant and thought provoking. I never thought of the word that way. I try to build myself up with words like, “you deserve to be happy, successful, etc.” This is a different way to look at it. Now I hate the word, too. It reminds me of, “Well, he was drinking and driving.” “He wasn’t wearing his seat belt.” A kid died, people. How sad. How tragic. Did he deserve it because he made a mistake? Did his family deserve the pain and grief? What happened with your friend is devastating. And that line, “You don’t deserve me?”

    Liked by 1 person

    • It saddened me a little because it felt so entrenched, as though the word had gotten into her soul and was quite used to telling her the things she didn’t deserve, or wasn’t worth. That made my heart ache because I choose her, freely and joyfully and entirely on purpose, with DELIGHT, because she’s so wonderful. And somehow this word came to mess with that.

      That other kind of ‘deserve’ you spoke of. That’s the *really* awful kind. They are just consequences – awful ones – to a bad choice. NOT deserved.

      And I can never, EVER build myself up that way because my brain just shoots back with all the ways I’m UNdeserving, so it backfires if I even try. I just can’t do it. It hurts too much to tell myself I’m worth so little.

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  14. Pingback: The Lunatic, The Lover & The Poet | Friday’s Features-No, you don’t deserve me… | Considerings

  15. “Deserve” is one of the worst words ever invented. No one deserves anything in this life. Bad things and good things happen to everyone, because they just do. Ack, this word makes me nuts. My kids aren’t ever allowed to use it. From things as simple as “I went to the gym an extra day, so I deserve an extra scoop of ice cream.” No. It’s fine if you have that extra scoop, but you don’t “deserve” it. “I worked hard, so I “deserve” the promotion.” Um, no again. “I was mean, so I don’t “deserve” to be happy.” Wrong again. Yes, there are consequences for choices, but no one deserves anything.
    Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
    I agree with you completely. πŸ™‚

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    • All of that, and then some more. Can’t really begin to say how annoyed and wound-up this word leaves me. It gets into everything and ackk the ENTITLEMENT that it speaks to. Even when people don’t mean it that way. It stops you seeing things as gifts and choices, and those things are SO much more wonderful when viewed properly *sigh*

      You’re WELCOME to get that off your chest. I feel the same.

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  16. I immediately thought of the scriptures when I read this. “All fall short..” And on the flip side, “You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor..” None of us are deserving or undeserving of anything in this life time, good or bad and I agree, we have choices, we choose.. In the end we’re all just muddling through doing the best we can, moving with the ebb n’ flow.. I choose to read your words because I find wisdom and humor and comfort.. I needed this post. Thank you. πŸ™‚

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    • There’s that way of looking at it, too – none of us is perfect and it behoves us to remember that. And SO MUCH YES to the ‘muddling through’.

      I’m glad you chose to read this, and I’m pleased you found such wonderful things here. Thank you for sharing what you found – that’s lovely feedback.

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  17. Oh! For some time I’ve thought this very thing: that a friend who is floating (has already floated?) away does not deserve me. And now, after reading your lovely thought-provoking post, I am rethinking. I love rethinking… Thank you Lizzi!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hate when people float away, but I tend to think of it as choice, even in those terms, and that’s rather liberating as well – the people who are worth your time (you see how this is still less constrictive than ‘deserve’?) are the ones who are engaged.

      Added to which (and this is just personal) I don’t chase people. If they engage, then wonderful. If not, then it’s because they have higher priorities or I don’t matter to them. In each of those cases, I need to know it’s more a reflection on their state of mind, than on my value as a friend.

      Course it hurts to have a drifting friend, but at the same time, it’s better to acknowledge the drift and decide whether or not to make an opportunity to rectify it, or to admit that it’s better to have a drifter than an obligated and resentful friend.

      Thanks for stopping by, Nicki, and I’m glad you liked this post, and I wish you well with the re-thinking. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  18. You are adorable. ❀ "Not to mention the obligation it would put on each of us if we were to truly attempt to meet the expectations of all the spoken, visible or physical affirmations given to us, because they were β€˜deserved’" – we would, indeed, go quite mad. Wonderful post!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Not to mention the inverse! Ohmigosh – because those things have such a dark, dark side, especially when you factor in women’s fashion choices and unwanted affection, expectation, what can happen next, and what the rent-a-mob will howl that she ‘deserved’…another situation when that awful word reaches out its arms and rugby-tackles good sense to the ground, and sits astride it, triumphant and utterly wrong.

      Good grief there was more I could have said on this horrid word, but it had no place in my ‘conversation’…

      Adorkable is more my usual ‘fit’, but I’ll take adorable. It’s nice. Thank you πŸ™‚

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  19. It’s hard to know just what to say in response to the *muchness* of your feelings . . . As Lisa said, deserve and choose – loaded and powerful words indeed. I sometimes think, well, I know – many people do not consider the power and meaning of words as much as some of us do. This may be why, at least in some part, I’ve always steered a bit clear of the whole friendship thing.

    And on a side note, zephyr is one of my very most favorite words πŸ™‚

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    • Zephyr is a stunningly evocative, utterly beautiful word, and I adore it. It’s not one of my most favourite (though now you’ve sent me on a tangent in my mind…will get back to you).

      I can usually tell myself (as I did at the time, with this conversation) that the utterance was NOT intended with the hidden hurt attached – that it was intended as ‘I like you very much and I want good things to happen for you’ but…I still baulk at it. I hate the concept of deserving. I really DON’T feel I deserve anything, and living life with a keen sense of gratitude for the input others have into it is really rather lovely. So there’s that, too.

      They’re powerful words for a reason, and isn’t choice a far, far more beautiful reason for friendship than because you’re somehow obligated or compelled? Responding to the all and everything that is someone choosing US? Beautiful.

      zooxanthellae, ocean, petrichor, effervescent, parentheses, terpsichorean – a few words I hold in high regard.

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  20. I have issues with deserving and many of mine are wrapped up in pregnancy loss. I can’t tell you how many times I was told (and likely you were, too) I deserve to be a mother. It’s hard because then there is this sliding scale of who’s gifted with worth, through their deserving, and who isn’t. I won’t lie. I have had moments of deep sadness, anger, jealousy (you name it) when I see people with unwanted and uncared for children. In those moments, I always wonder…why them? Why not me?? Things just don’t work like that, I know. But “deserve” is a word I would like to wipe from my vocabulary. Thanks for encouraging me to do so, Lizzi.

    ❀ Dani

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s SO hard because it’s so integral to the conventions of the culture we live in, but SO pervasive and SO damaging. I’ve had precisely those things said to me, and NO NO NO NO NEVER EVER does anyone ‘deserve’ to be a mother, otherwise we ALL get children on merit, and you and I would have several each! Fertility and worth are as far removed from each other as apples and skyscrapers.

      As for that d-word? Wipe it OUT, my friend. We have a vast vocabulary of more succinct words, and this will encourage us to use some more of it, if nothing else.

      *hugs*

      Like

    • Thanks Sara. I think this one matters. It matters SO much to me, because my friends have (gloriously, wonderfully, amazingly) CHOSEN to love me, in spite of what I might be like, and for better or for worse, they keep choosing me.

      As to things and stuff…we can earn money and pay for them…we’re not owed.

      Liked by 2 people

    • The thing is I know that *really* what it’s used as is “I like you and I think good things should happen for you because that would be great” but it just doesn’t work that way in real.

      Thanks for liking the knots and butterflies πŸ˜€ I’m glad that worked.

      And YAY! Hello again πŸ˜€

      Like

  21. Hmm…that’s a powerful bunch of things there. I have to come back, though, because I have to get un-distracted and go finish that other read.
    But oh…FRIST!

    Liked by 1 person

    • LOL! Yay for FRIST!

      Get butt-kicking on that other read. I got banned in the end – none of my comments were going through. I’d say the nasty trolls ‘deserved’ to get razzed, but that would rather undermine my point. I WILL say that I am glad I CHOSE to stick up for my friend in the face of their appalling rudness, and I am gladder than glad that the troops have rallied around her.

      Thanks for being a trooper πŸ™‚

      Like

      • You had already said much the same as I would – found myself reacting particularly to the same ones you had commented on. I’m chatting with her a bit now.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Oh I tried SO HARD to be not-a-dick back! Sometimes I couldn’t help myself. Some of them were SO ridiculous. Thank you so much for taking up the cause. And chat away – Kristi has been a friend of mine for a LONG time, and she matters ENORMOUSLY to me.

          Like

          • OK so on the post here…”deserve” is such a loaded word for so many reasons. It speaks worlds of how someone feels about themselves, about those around them, when that word comes out – no matter whether positive or negative. It’s a powerful one.
            So is “choose.” And in this case, it shows a very clear point. You can say you don’t deserve, but this really isn’t up to you. I choose you…now you have to choose to accept.
            Deep stuff for almost bedtime. πŸ˜‰

            Liked by 1 person

            • Yes…this is the thing, and that’s how come I finally relaxed about friendships – I realised it was really nothing to do with me or my behaviour that people cared for me – they CHOSE to do it. Very powerful thought indeed!

              Liked by 1 person

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