Error: Please re-boot

Did you ever have a day where you (or life, or the world, or whatever) just didn’t quite load properly, no matter how you tried? Perhaps I’m taking the computer analogy too far – the day was good (ostensibly) but I didn’t load right this morning, and have felt pixellated all day (okay, now I’ve really gone too far…roll with it, willya?).

Writer errorI feel like I’ve barely seen this place. There’s dust on the mantelpiece and the spiders have started moving into the corners where I used to sit and chat with friends. The cushions are all cold, with only the indented memories of where presences once sat and warmed the room with light and laughter and happiness. I miss this blog and the fun, chatty place it used to be. I want it back.

OctPoWriMo is probably mostly responsible, though not ‘to blame’ or ‘at fault’ because actually it’s been a huge amount of fun, and very challenging and has…okay, no, it hasn’t particularly stretched me as a poet – it’s given me a chance to indulge and pour out my little soul over at the Well Tempered Bards each day this month. There have been SUCH a variety of poems, some using the prompts but most stemming from things which have happened In Real, and which I’ve needed to somehow get out, and instead of coming here and rambling on (as is my wont) I’ve gussied them up and turned them into poetry, which (for the most part) has been very well received by a few loyal commenters. Which is nice. I like meeting new people, and I especially like it when new people STICK. I hope to get them over here soon.

HOWEVER (aren’t you supposed to not start sentences like that? Hang the rules. I’ll do as I please and worry about it later) there’s a special and important (and more importantly, FUN) post going up at Sisterwives, which you should read (and I will link properly once it’s live), there’s the fourth section of the Jessica story to share with you, then there’s the fifth part, and frankly I just want to do a bit of writing here, and a bit of a de-frag, and see what tumbles out into the aether for you to pay heed to or ignore completely (as is your wont).

Why? Because I have a virus and I feel like someone unpicked the edges of my mind and half the stuffing fell out.

I don’t plan to turn this into ten things of whine, but it’s been a very weird couple of days, and I totally blame Niece and Neff for the bug and accompanying zoned-out-ness I’m experiencing. Course, it might also have to do with the clocks in England having changed, and the presence of some incredibly WEIRD dreams for the past two nights running, in which I was at war, and woke up neither rested nor peaceful, but pretty well freaked out and haunted by bloodthirsty memories. Callooh! Callay!

Onwards and Upwards, dear ones (or at least, further up and further in, for I cannot guarantee that any of this will be lined with silver so much as it might be outlined in chalk or silly string).

I learned today that trust means that I don’t have to fret when a change in priorities means I’m left behind. It just means that other stuff takes precedent right now, and that hopefully things will change in the future.

I (finally) finished the next ‘Considerings’ post for #KickCancersAss, which should be up on Thursday, and to which I will link you. The recipient was very pleased, and so I am happy.

I’m still annoyed at the US post, because reasons. Two reasons, as yet undelivered.

I don’t want to start another sentence with ‘I’, but am at a loss how to begin this one without it.

There is a story in one of the Gerald Durrell books – one of the Corfu trilogy (I forget which, but they document his time living on Corfu as a child, and all the adventures and madness and glorious, technicolour nature he encountered there) – about The Rose-Beetle Man, who sold (amongst other items) rose-beetles, tied on strings, to small children. The Rose-Beetle man was dumb, but communicated through gestures and nasal utterances, and was able to communicate sufficiently to indicate that the beetles were meant to be aeroplanes. Quite what stretch of the imagination is required for a bug on a string to be an aeroplane I don’t know, because as far as I recall, nobody ever tried flying an aeroplane on a string, but there you go (..I digress). ANYWAY – one of the things the man would do is take his bundle of bugs-on-strings and whirl them, so that they all took off into flight and whirred around his head like clockwork, in futile circles until they settled again. Today my thoughts have felt a little like that, and it’s been a constant fight to keep track of them long enough to put one into words. Even in speech (which has been mostly incoherent and a lot of effort). It’s been an incredibly frustrating and quiet sort of day as a result.

In addition, the thoughts got to the stage earlier (pre-nap) where it felt as though I had somehow lost my grasp of the threads, and all of the thoughts were flying away in different directions, threads trailing behind them in the overcast sky, as I leaped and stumbled and scrambled to try to retrieve them and make sense of anything, whilst my body felt entirely too weary to be scrambling anywhere, and just wanted all the thoughts to fly off into the world and leave me to curl up un-beset by words (or freaky dreams) and just…be.

Meantime the darker shelves of my thoughts are filled with choices which aren’t taken, presences who don’t seem to be…well, present…, and the pressing desire to write more, and more meaningfully, without really knowing what about. Things are brewing. At least two of them are important. But for now, I think the simple fact that YOU have chosen to be here, and to read to this point, speaks volumes (that, or to madness, or to your persistence in trying to figure out if I ever had a point), so thank you. I appreciate it; and if I leave the light on and a plate of cookies on the table, perhaps you’ll take a seat in one of these forlorn chairs and stop for a chat, and see if we can’t sparkle the place up a bit.

I think the lights in here work with conversation and belief that they matter (much like fairies, who die when you say you don’t believe – so does the community I’ve worked hard to build up around here – I feel like I’ve been neglectful and silent and my ‘fairies’ are sitting glumly, fading around the edges and wondering if they’re still important.) and I could do with more light in my life.

Because apparently, somehow, this space is important. Whether it’s in terms of the people or the connectivity or simply a place to watch and learn from each other (cos believe me, I learn from you as much as any of you ever say you learn from or are inspired by me) and I LIKE IT. And I miss it.

SO *claps hands really fast* I believe.

I hope you do, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

60 thoughts on “Error: Please re-boot

  1. This might seem a bit of a random comment, because I’m picking up on a couple of bookish things you’ve mentioned! I remember reading and loving all the Gerald Durrell books too. The only bit I remember is one where they must have been in South America, and it was where I learned about Rheas. The phrase which has stuck with me al these years is when he is describing the baby rhea and his very large feet, and how he kept tripping over them, and had to “lull his feet into a false sense of security.” Another random bit – in another of your posts you referred to your “middlest middle” . Have you read “Mr God this is Anna”? It’s a very special book to me, because of the person who shared it with me. But I’ve never come across anyone else who knows the book.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have HEARD of ‘Mr God, this is Anna’, but I’ve never read it. It takes my fancy now, because of the title and because you related it to the ‘middlest middle’ and that makes me think that if there’s a connection or some coherence/synchronicity there, I might really enjoy it.

      I can’t tell you how much I smiled at your Gerald Durrell quote – that is such a beautiful way of describing a baby rhea, and I can picture it in my imagination. I grew up on Gerald Durrell (once I graduated from Enid Blyton) and I just *adore* the way he describes things…and I love that you love him too.

      I don’t remember reading adventures in South America though…there must be lots I haven’t read! I shall have to find more of his books, but I think the Corfu trilogy are my favourites, though I do have a deep and abiding affection for Golden Bats and Pink Pigeons.

      I’m so happy about your random comment πŸ™‚ πŸ˜€

      Like

  2. Well, since we chatted about all of this last night I really don’t need to leave you a comment but I’m going to because I can and I have all this pent up energy that needs to go somewhere so it may as well be here with you because it will make you feel better.

    I promise. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hehe I like that you did anyway, my DA πŸ™‚

      SO! Why are you all pent up and energetic? I wish I could have been around to chat, but looking at the time-stamp (even with that extra hour closer we are for another few days) I would have been in bed by then, because work. But I went to bed really early last night (for me). Just zonked right out and thought I probably shouldn’t fight it. It was rather nice to go to bed tired and fall asleep quickly and peacefully.

      Until I woke up in the night with a very sore elbow cos I’d somehow squashed it, but that aside…

      Yaknow what, I’mma come find you and see if I can’t figure out what’s been going on. Expect a message (which you will probably have gotten before you get this (but as you know, sometimes I like to write to you in two places at once, for the hell of it)).

      Like

  3. Pingback: the Wakefield Doctrine (here, a little break in the middle of the week) | the Wakefield Doctrine

  4. hey! that’s terrible!!
    so… seeing as how not-well you are (or were, this is kinda a day or two late), you don’t mind if I use this here Post here to hide some answers for a Post I’m writing?*
    …cool
    I better do the ‘answer section’ as a separate Comment, not sure why, just have a feeling that if I don’t do it just so then either a) the world implodes or 2) something really bad happens…

    * technically it’s tomorrow or so, but then, from my perspective it/this might be the past…. hah! tell me I wouldn’t be good at tell stories so that children and sick adults can’t drift off into a restful sleep!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I see from your comment section that you’re feeling a bit better today, and I’m soooo happy about that because this ole internet thing wouldn’t be the *twinklyhappy* place it is without a certain twinkly brit. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • I yam a bit better today, thanks πŸ™‚ And thank GOODNESS because I was all over the place. Still am a bit, but not anywhere near as much as yesterday.

      I’m glad to be better and to bring as much *twinkly* as I can, BW, mine πŸ™‚

      Like

  6. Sounds like you have a lot of good reasons to feel like you need to reboot. I’m right there with you. On a super awesome note, I was just reading the excerpt of Jessica, and all I have to say is…yum, yum, yum! Nice work my new friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ohhh the Jessica book is DELIGHTFULLY, wonderfully, indulgently dark. I think if it were chocolate it would be about 70% cocoa solids with chilli and orange zest. It’s incredible. I’m glad you like it πŸ™‚

      And thank you – I totally needed a re-boot, and I’m glad I at least made sense. I’m impressed you kept up with me! Even my ‘regulars’ sometimes have trouble following my brain when it’s skittish, and they’re somewhat used to it πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  7. SHINING LIGHT REALLY REALLY BRIGHT RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE IN YOUR NIGHT!!!!!!!!! (It’s night there, right?)

    I want to come over and eat your COOKIES!!!!

    I’m not sure why you feel this way hun… there is always and will always be ebb and flow….

    I’m so sorry you have been sick!!! And not sleeping well!!! I think all of that can wear on our hearts and on our spirits… and leave us in our own dimly lit rooms. I know that all too well.

    Here’s the thing.

    You can turn the LIGHT ON!!! Yes. You. Can.

    Here…

    Let me help you.

    *Walks over to the lamp in the corner of the room on the side table and CLICK*

    There now babe. Come eat some cookies with me and lets have a long talk about it…

    (Oh, how I wish I could.)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. An error on boot beats a fullblown blue screen of death. So there’s your silver lining. πŸ˜‰

    As for your poetry, it’s been FANTASTIC. Have you considered posting some of it here? That way you’re not really neglecting this space and at the same time still fulfilling your commitment to WTB?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Reboot is a good term, Lizzi. I’ve felt like pulling the old power plug lately myself but decided I don’t really want to. I just need an overhaul or something. Life has changed and so the blog and its purpose have changed. Just figuring out where to go next.
    I do hope you are feeling better – sick sucks. That’s all.
    Hot tea, lemon and garlic, lots of sleep.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sleep is something I’ve had SO MUCH of this weekend. I don’t know if it was the virus or the clocks changing or what, but I’ve spent more time zonked out than I have done in one piece in MONTHS! Perhaps that’s a contributing factor, though…more sleep in general could only help! Sick really does suck, but I think (and hope) it’s over for now.

      I’m still glad you didn’t pull the plug on yours. By all means overhaul it, but I think it would be missed a lot if you were to shut down and leave. However, I shall be fascinated to know what will happen next for you, if you do reboot and come back with a different slant.

      Hope your day goes well. Does Zilla have mid-term break this week?

      Like

      • We change our clocks this weekend. See, that’s another reason I love fall – that extra hour is nice. Granted, it really messes with the internal clocks of cats and kids around here, but still. More sleep is probably a good idea. I’m guilty of not getting enough on a semi-regular basis.
        I think the blog problem is that so much of it was focused on all of us getting through the Hub’s unemployment and career change, Zilla adjusting to starting “real” school, and me dealing with being where I didn’t want to be and figuring out how to change it. Now that all of that has happened, there has been less going up on the blog. I’m working on it. I’m keeping my soup posts and will likely go back to doing a little food because I so love to cook. Thinking about running a regular series on ADHD. Maybe some about books – I have not read nearly enough in the last couple of months and I’d like to fix that.
        I didn’t really think anyone would notice if I just kind of faded out, but it seems I was wrong about that. A whole bunch of you nice people have indicated otherwise and also sent great ideas for busting through the question of where to focus moving forward. So I think I have lots of good potential.
        Zilla does not have break – we don’t really do that here, at least not in her school system. Just business as usual!

        Liked by 1 person

        • I guess that, at least, keeps things in routine and a bit more manageable for you. I know a LOT gets thrown off by holidays. It does to an extent for anyone, but you said that particularly with Zilla it can be a challenge, and for one week, it’s probably more stress than it’s worth (I asked because Niece and Neff have half-term break and it was on my mind).

          I’m glad you’ve been encouraged by the number of people who don’t want you to leave. I sometimes go through periods of wondering what the point of my blog is, but I think in the end, it’s to connect me to other people, and what I post is kind of secondary to that. Your ideas sound great though.

          I hope the change of clocks goes well for you – I’m still struggling to adjust. It got dark SO early today and it was horrid 😦

          Like

          • That is the big downside to the clock change – I hate when it’s dark early. It feels like the day is over so quickly. I try to keep in mind Clark’s thinking that winter is “over” when we get to late December and the days begin to get longer already – keeps me going through that awful long and dark January and February.
            I think that’s ultimately why I don’t want to stop – it’s the connections and friends I’ve made that are the biggest reason. If I manage to put something up there that somebody reads besides? Great, too.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Good. The connections are so worthwhile. And you’d definitely be missed if you left the blogosphere. I know *I* don’t want you to go, even though I’m a bit pants at having conversations on your blog, and tend to have them here with you. It’s one of my failings as a blogger, I know that.

              I shall bear in mind that thought. Let’s see. It’s the 28th, so we have precisely seven more (harrowing, bloody awful) weeks of getting darker earlier, and then it will start getting lighter again. *sigh*

              It’s gonna be a loooong seven weeks. I think I’m going to need a sun-booth session more than once in that time.

              Like

  10. This place is very important. This is the place that brought me to you, and you’re a sky full of stars, and I like to come here and see little sparkles of you. I simply hope you’re just in a funk because of your cold/virus and that it passes quickly and that you’re back to your charming/beautiful/smiley/ *twinklysparklygoodness* self in no time. I’ve had a cough for over a month. I think it’s never going away, and I’m feeling very overwhelmed with the sheer amount of catch up that awaits me when I finally put both of my feet in this internet pool.

    Get well, my beautiful friend. And keep your chin up.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My chin is up. I am determined not to lose this place and all the people and atmosphere which makes it special. I think I’m better this morning, thanks. Certainly I slept and cannot remember my dreams, which is a blessed relief if the past two nights are anything to go by!

      Over a month is a LONG time to have a cough 😦 I’m sure you’re doing all you can already to make it go, but I wish there was something more, and that you could get better! I wish I could come and help! I’d offer to take your two on an adventure so you could sleep and sleep and sleep until you woke up of your own accord.

      I caught the tail-end of that song yesterday on the radio as I channel-hopped, looking for good ‘man-music’ to play for Niece and Neff. It was nice. I left it on and enjoyed the end of it and thought of you, and smiled. I shall be back to *twinklysparkly* soon, I’m sure. And I hope that you are, too, Squishy, mine. It sucks that you’ve been ill for so long. As to the overwhelmed, try not to worry too much about it. Draw a line in the sand and begin from there, otherwise it’s all going to get too much and you’re not going to want to come back at all! Certainly do that as far as I’m concerned – I don’t want my words or presence to feel like a chore to you, or something you’re obliged to engage with. *hugs* Feel better soon xo

      Like

    • *snorks* You didn’t steal it! But I SO THOUGHT OF YOU on Sunday when we were all at Mum’s (to celebrate her birthday) when all of a sudden my Sis piped up “There’s a DOG in your garden!” and we all rushed out to find a very friendly, quite elderly labrador with NO COLLAR in the garden. We looked up and down the street, but no-one in sight at all…and the dog was so happy and nice and obviously well-fed and looked after…we got terribly confused. I was all for bringing it in, but apparently it’s ‘known’ in the neighbourhood, and eventually Husby managed to track down that the people it belongs to are new, and live TWO DOORS DOWN! *rolls eyes* So the dog went home, and all the panic was over and done with BEFORE we dognapped the dog πŸ˜‰

      So funny though, that we almost had the same thing happen!

      Like

  11. “I could do with more light in my life.”

    Amen and ditto to that.

    It’s funny how quickly these spaces can develop and change to be such a critical part of our lives. Not in an unhealthy, obsessive way, but just knowing your community and them knowing (what you share) of yourself. Plenty of times over the last year I thought about walking away from this, but then something happens and I remember why I stayed after post #1.

    ((hugs)) and love to you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It took a while to build this, but yes – it has absolutely become a functional and very important part of my life. I think there are times I would have been lost without it.

      Cheers to those moments which make us realise it’s all worth it, and keep us going.

      Wishing you more light very soon – I hope you find some πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

Comments are where the magic happens...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s