After Ten Things of Thankful #69 at the weekend (said auspicious number duly noted by my darling Smutster BlogWife) I am taking this ‘back to basics’, because right now, I need it. I need it because I’m here again –
Being here pisses me off, but this time it hasn’t pissed me off so much that I’ve done anything much about it. I’ve done that awful thing which I despise in others, and I’ve laid down and let it happen. I’ve listened to the poison poured into my ears by my own mind. I’ve crumbled to pieces under the strain – not of anything ‘real’; just of being me, at the moment – and I’ve faltered.
[‘Faltered’ – a very forgiving word for what has been more like a full-on throw-myself-down-on-the-floor-and-have-a-tantrum kind of a thing]
And I think (amongst the plethora of things which I intensely dislike (because people get so hung up on the word ‘hate’) about myself right now) the thing which is foremost in my mind is that I once set a bar quite high and quite proud, for being a Truth Teller. Because I wanted to be Real and Honest, because it was important, and helpful, to me that others were Real and Honest when it came to awful nasty things like miscarriage and infertility and marriage to a chronically sick person.
That bar is now the petard on which I find myself hoist.
Because when it comes to shameful and upsetting and ridiculous, I have discovered I don’t want to be Real and Honest. I want to hide. I want to not say anything and have it all go away. And it just isn’t.
So this is me. Half-but-not-quite saying something (or nothing) which you can take or leave. Because it’s meant to be cathartic and I’m not sure I’m quite ready for that much catharsis yet. I’m also not sure I’m ready to own up. But I plan to. Because I am determined not to disappoint myself further by also proving to be a steaming great hypocrite (more than I already have, that is).
In the meantime, in the original spirit of the Ten Things of Thankful lists…here goes:
1. I am thankful for Husby and my family, who support me endlessly, even throughout all the BS and the negativity I seem to be piling onto them each time I see them.
2. I am thankful for tiny, safe spaces where I can say things out loud without fear of judgement.
3. I am thankful for friends who are determined to see me through this, and who will be with me every step of the way, trying to help me see the light.
4. I’m thankful that I got as far as three things before I had a clawing doubt that I might not make it all the way to ten. But the point is ten. So I guess I’m thankful for another bar set incredibly high, but also for the hindsight-knowledge, which means I know there are Ten Things *somewhere*.
5. I’m thankful for the inspiration of my sweet (and in her own way, equally wavering) SisterWife, Laurie, who has decided that creativity is the way to face these things. So here I am. Creating. Even though I kind of want to wallow, I know it’s good for me, so I’m doing it.
6. I’m thankful that I have a car with a radio in it, and that when ‘A Sky Full of Stars‘ came on earlier, I wasn’t quite at the end of my journey, and so I turned it up until I could feel it, and I revelled in it, in all its meanings. Right now I’m thankful I’m listening to it as I type the rest of this.
7. I’m thankful that when I *do* take the brave step and ‘say what I want to say’, there will be support here. And that there will be support in the meantime while I’m not ready. [sub-thankful – that I’ve been blessed with such incredibly good people as ye who frequent this place in the Blogosphere, and who have become part of my world, that I can say #7 with certainty. That’s pretty awesome, actually.]
8. I’m thankful that I am in the best physical health I have probably ever been in.
9. I’m thankful I’m just about keeping up with OctPoWriMo, over at Bards.
10. I’m thankful that having gotten to the end of these ten, I don’t feel quite so bad as I did at the beginning, because I no longer feel like I’m lying through my teeth. I know this isn’t any kind of Reveal, but I’ve alluded enough to ensure that at some point, I WILL have to come back and follow up. I think accountability will be key here, because I know that otherwise I could easily slip off another edge and not bother. Or continue to hide. Neither of those things sits comfortably with me.
Surprise bonuses, which I would never have thought possible, back at #4
11. I’m thankful that the canned mojito (yes, it’s possible to sink *that* low) is still in my fridge, untouched. Just about. Call it a benchmark for something, but I know that when I turn to it, things will have gotten properly bad.
12. I’m glad that there *is* professional intervention in the offing (so don’t worry about that – it’s underway) and that I even have those resources available to me.
13. As ever, thankful that in 14 days time, I’ll be two weeks past RightNow.