I’m not floundering. I don’t need rescuing or saving or ootzing back into some kind of shape which configures to the expectation I (or anyone else) had for myself. I just need to take a decent look at my week through…well…a different perspective.
1. I didn’t write as many of the #KickCancersAss items as I wanted.
2. I wasn’t as supportive a friend as I would like to have been.
3. I haven’t been as good a wife as I ought to have been.
4. I let a bad temper get the better of me, and was very tetchy with people who were trying to make things better for me.
5. Doing exercise is NOT an acceptable excuse for over-eating.
6. I suck at housework and my house is still filthydirtygrubbyawful.
7. Rejection still sends me COMPLETELY over the edge.
8. I’ve been neglectful of my darling Goddaughter.
9. I’m terrible at keeping in touch with certain people, who I really *should* keep in touch with.
10. And right now I’m writing this list of ways I’ve failed at life this week, instead of going to cook flatbreads, like I said I would, so we can eat dinner.
So I’m going to stop. Rightnow and start turning things around. Time to get my perspectacles on.
10. I walked away and made the flatbreads. I even made them nice (peshwari(ish)). That I can reach into fully-stocked cupboards and pull out the number of ingredients to just make these; that I’m no longer worried (as last year) about using the oven because energy costs and we were struggling to afford life; that I have had such a background of introduction to different foods and flavours, and that I enjoy cooking with items I buy with money I earn at my job, which I have had for a YEAR now…these things are altogether too often overlooked, but are so important and worthwhile just…noticing…once in a while. Oh, and the flatbreads were delicious.
9. That my presence is diminished by lack of contact in certain relationships in no way lessens my role. Though it is something I’m aware I need to change, but at least I am aware. And these people also have phones they don’t use – not all of this is on me, and so I don’t need to beat myself up about it. But I should probably still get in touch. And it’s vastly better than NOT having these relationships.
8. I have a plan for my darling Goddaughter, which I hope will involve picking her up from school on Monday and then asking her what she wants to do. I HOPE I get to do it. I’ve managed to miss an entire summer from her! That I am trusted (somehow) with being a role model to a precious little girl is a wonderful (and scary) thing, and it inspires me to keep living right so that I don’t let her down.
7. Once again, feeling rejected and being rejected are two different things. In the former instance, no rejection took place and I just got tangled up in my brain and all unnecessary. It happens, and it sucks, but I pull through it (with help, most times). Actual rejection also sucks but sometimes you get good poem out of it. And in order to feel the rejection as pain, arguably there first had to be a mutual ‘mattering to’ with that other person, and that (in all cases) was good, up to the point where it wasn’t. Added to which, I need to learn to be okay with that I won’t always be chosen or preferable. There are times when I’ll just be the right person until someone better comes along, or good for as long as it lasts. And that’s how life works. If I take issue with that, or take it personally, then I will struggle all the live-long day.
6. I have arranged a day off (I had time owed back) on Monday in order to catch up on some of the things I just don’t seem to get to. But it’s because I work (YAY! job!) and then come home and go *flomp* on the sofa, while I grab a bite to eat, then head out each night either to see friends, or to boxing/pilates/netball, and then the weekends get full, and I run out of energy, and it’s because I’m packing so much FUN into life. I can pretty much guarantee that my last words will not be “I wish I’d cleaned the house more”, even if it’s a pigsty.
Added to which, my amazing, precious SisterWife Samara sent me a GLITTERBOMB, containing Halloween candy and enough glitter to sink a SHIP. And when I tipped it accidentally all over the floor (having tried SO HARD to make sure it was contained) it didn’t matter – it was just FUNNY. My week was (quite literally) brightened by her wonderful gesture.
5. Over-eating is bad but I’ve had SEVERE wantings for cake, lately. And so cake has happened. And contrary to recent months, I AM doing enough exercise that I can shrug my shoulders and not worry too much because it will get burned off. I’ll just be ‘maintaining’ rather than ‘improving’, but there’s time for that. And anyway, I caved and made a Pintrest(ish) recipe of a microwave cake-in-a-mug. It was almost perfect.
4. I have people in my life who are wonderful enough to love me even when I am in a horribleawfulBADBADmood and snappish and snarly and ready to explode negative energy in any direction. They are amazing and reach out and love me MORE, on purpose, to try to offset the bad. And I am so very blessed to have that.
3. I am aware that there are areas of my marriage which are particularly tricky, and some of those things are most definitely down to me. I need to buck my ideas up, BUT we’re both still here, both still trying to make it work, and both still…mostlykindahappy. And that’s HUGE. I also earned MASSIVE +++WifePoints this week after Husby (at some unknown point in the past) let Spideygirl escape, and when she came marching into the living room, bold as brass across the carpet at 1.30am last night, I did NOT freak the FREAK out – I stayed calm, I only yelled at Husby a little, and I picked the spider up and popped her back in her cage. And I haven’t blackmailed him with that, not ONCE! (yet)
2. I can only do so much. There’s that. And for all the slight letdown I was to one friend, I’ve been a GREAT friend to others. Life is flux, and we try our best and sometimes it’s not enough and other times it’s what makes the world go round. I felt bad, but it wasn’t the end of the world, and is more something which *I* think was a ‘bad thing’ than she does. So there’s that, too.
1. I didn’t do as much as I wanted with the #KickCancersAss writings, because of all the doings, but I DID finish the letter for Sandy, and I DID ensure it got posted. And it HAS BEEN SENT! So rather than upsetting myself about my limitations and the fact that I’m altogether too addicted to social media to focus myself properly, I shall look to the bright side that I DID DO THAT! And I WILL WRITE MORE! (and on that point – if you asked for something but weren’t sure what or if you could do it in the first place, please do confirm!) And I am HUGELYhugelyhugely grateful that so many people have supported me in this endeavour. That. Is. Incredible.
HowZAT for perspective?
Now I’m in the mood for some bonuses.
OctPoWriMo is going REALLY WELL over at the Well Tempered Bards. Zoe and I are both involved, both loving the challenge, and both getting great interaction. So do stop on by and check us out. I’ve also caught back up with a number of the wonderful bloggers who were involved in the A-Z in April challenge this year.
I’ve managed to capture some GORGEOUS pictures on Instagram this week, and have been trying very hard to find the beauty in autumn. At the moment it’s still sunny and warm (mostly) so that’s proving easyish. I’m trying to convince myself that autumn really IS alright. (bonus within a bonus – Instagram pics can be converted into brilliant memes for blog posts)
I’m thankful for Starbucks for my vanilla cafe Americano, which got me through a very tired Monday. And for the baker’s today, which provided me with food (and cake) to get me through my afternoon.
I’m thankful for stupid-dumb-silly threads on Facebook where I can wear a Princess Leia bikini for a Skype date with one person whilst serenading another with love songs from her garden (before falling into a jealous rage because she CHEATED on me with a mysterious shadowy figure not yet revealed in the storyline we’re making up as we go along) or where I can chat about spiders and autumn and….anything under the sun, with people who enjoy chatting about these many and varied things.
I’m thankful that the people I’ve been in touch with about publishing their very personal and intensely difficult stories on SisterWives next week, have been forthcoming and accommodating and EXCITED to be part of it.
I’m thankful that the group of us who meet on a Friday to play netball are all going to go out together for a meal. And drink. And I’m glad that my friend (and banter-sparring partner) wants to make sure it happens on a night when we can both go. So we can drink together and have an amazing time and stagger home together. That matters – it’s a developing friendship and I’m so pleased that she specifically wants me there. That made me all *glowy* inside.
A late (and cryptic (and no I won’t clarify so don’t ask, but I just want to SAY IT BECAUSE IT MATTERS)) entry – there is someone I adore who has been working VERYVERYHARD at something AWESOME and not only has she been successful in her endeavours, it might have just gone FURTHER! Which is so completely awesome and filled me with GLEE when I heard about it.
ANNNND so far, THREE PEOPLE already have Ten Things Posts published. And I haven’t even made the linkie code. You guys – the community here – and your commitment to the spirit of the hop and to each other, in the friendships which deepen each week – you ROCK!
There. PERSPECTACLES WIN!