I don’t deserve you…

In spite of my optimism yesterday, I think that this business of developing a positive sense of self (both in terms of -image and -worth) is going to be a long, slow process. I’m determined to do it, though – I have only TEN years left til ‘My’ age* (41, if you want to know), so I best make the most of that time.

One of the things I really struggle with (for a variety of very entrenched reasons, too complex (and frankly, dull)) to go into here, is the idea of ‘deserving’. I very rarely feel that I *deserve* anything; even to the point where I struggle to justify spending money on myself, and things like compliments can be total nightmares for me. Gifts often make me feel completely overwhelmed, and mingled into the delight at receiving one is a shaky, dark, painful thought that the giver shouldn’t have wasted their time/money/efforts on me.

I struggle with friendships, too, rarely feeling as though I’m worth the other person’s investment (though again, I’m hugely grateful), and am frequently subject to all the gamut of emotions the chronically insecure feel in their darker times; jealousy, abandonment, anxiety, and that awful, nagging feeling that the other person is just playing along to humour me.

It’s a pain in the ass, because I tend to love quickly and trust slowly. I think very little of letting other people matter to me; it’s quick and easy because I know they’re AWESOME, but because I DON’T know that I am, it baffles me somewhat when people let me matter to them.

I am my own worst enemy.

I think I found a loophole, to get around some of the thought patterns which make my life so complicated: come on over to Sisterwives, and see why, in spite of all this, I can stand here today and say, quite confidently, that I MATTER. And it has nothing to do with me, or any kind of deserving…

I Choose You

 

*the age at which I have arbitrarily decided I will Have My Shit Together, and be Winning at Life (so far as my thought processes, responses and behaviours are concerned).

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27 thoughts on “I don’t deserve you…

  1. I didn’t start writing for me. I was encouraged and believed in by a friend. Then I felt like a child putting their toe in the water.

    I struggle with that “deserve” feeling too. People tell me I have too high of expectations of myself but I still sit here and think do I really? I had all these ideals of what I would have together at what age. Let us just say that it hasn’t all fallen into place yet . Yet slowly I am coming to be okay with that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well….perhaps that’s going to have to be one of the things which changes WITH age then – that I would hold an expectation that I’ll have it all together by a certain age. Perhaps that will mellow with time, too.

      I’m glad you;re beginning to be okay with that – it sounds healthy. I don’t know whether people would say I have high expectations of myself. I’d say they probably would.

      I’m glad you have such a good friend πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I AM that age*. And my shit has never been more shit or less together!
    But I think you are much more together than you give yourself credit for.
    And while I utterly empathise with your feelings of not ‘deserving’ I also think that in terms of things that have real value – love, friendship, understanding – you got what you earned through reciprocation.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve been working on a comment for 10 minutes, trying to encourage you without sounding like a know-it-all. I’m failing miserably. Short version: I just pray that someday you see the value of you that has absolutely nothing to do with what other people think of you (or what you perceive other people to believe).

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think that’s the SUPER-evolved version. For now I’m kinda pleased that I’ve even got this far in my thinking. But thanks for trying to think of a way to say it. And thanks for all the prayer – that matters πŸ™‚

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  4. I also struggle with (to paraphrase) why would people ever like me! And, like Michelle mentions, I have periods when I feel like I’m doing much better with not believing I’m not worthy, and then life gets stressful and those feelings just descend again! ughh

    Liked by 1 person

    • Because you matter to them, and you don’t get to choose that – THEY do. Which is a wonderful and also a kind of scary thing. These difficult feelings work in cycles, don’t they? It’s very frustrating. I guess the thing to do (whilst in it) is remember that there IS another side, and you DO come out into the light again.

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    • Heheh YES! We need to get that back up and running as a common function of the Blogosphere! It’s so much fun.

      And yeah – I am totally my own worst enemy, and sorry to hear that you recognise that in yourself, too. Ah the ways we find to make life unnecessarily complicated for ourselves!

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    • That’s also a FAR better outlook than I have. I’m not saying that the ‘Having it all together by 41’ is a sensible (or even realistic) goal – it’s just what I’m working on πŸ™‚

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  5. I am three years out from that age and yeah, I thought it would have been done three years ago.

    I could have written this entire post. I will go read the follow up, but given my current state of mind I don’t see myself getting past this today (though I know I shoudl).

    Thank you for sharing of yourself on here and to us.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I did go and read it and I think it is a beautiful message. Unfortunately, I cannot seem to apply it to myself at this moment (choice or not). I do plan to go back and re-read it and this one. Often. Thank you again, chica.

        Liked by 1 person

        • That’s okay. You don’t need to apply it – that’s another of the great things about it – other people apply it TO you, when they choose you as their friend. On the one hand that can be a bit precarious, too, and I know there are those who think that’s akin to finding your self-esteem in other people’s opinions, and would think it dumb. But I think it counts, and it works for me, for now.

          I hope one day when you read it, it makes the kind of sense you can take on board. Wishing ‘medium’ for you in the meantime πŸ™‚

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  6. What each of deserve is debatable. Instead of questioning why you matter to someone, I say embrace that you matter to someone. I could tick off a bunch of reasons why you matter to me (which you wouldn’t believe, anyhow) but the bottom line is that you DO matter to me, and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day. YOU MATTER. To me. To others. To your niece and neph. To Husby. To your real-life friends. To the postal service delivering all those glitter bombs πŸ˜‰ .

    You MATTER. You are going to hafta live with that.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I DO! And you see, the great thing is, that when I accept that, I DON’T NEED TO QUESTION IT! This is the Big Re-frame – it has NOTHING to do with me, and EVERYTHING to do with the person doing the choosing.

      Which only sucks when I get UN-choosen, but whatever. Enough people (I think) choose me to make a couple of un-choosers only hurt for a shorter while.

      But YAY! I’m glad I matter to you, TD. You matter to me, too πŸ™‚

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  7. You are amazing and it doesn’t matter to me what you think about yourself, I think you’re amazing.

    Okay, I DO care what you think about yourself..you know what I meant.

    We sound very much alike…and I don’t have my shit together at all…not much at least.

    Liked by 2 people

    • For someone who doesn’t have her shit together, Michelle, you come across an AWFUL lot like it, sometimes. Like your post the other day and your FB status this morning. I kindasorta think I definitely want to grow up a bit like you!

      But thanks for the vote of confidence πŸ™‚ I’m glad you think that πŸ™‚

      Like

      • Haha. I’m much better than I used to be. More self acceptance…kind of digging who I’m turning out to be..but that is shot through with some dark insecurities and bouts of self loathing. I feel very strong sometime, but then something will happen or someone will say something that is hurtful and it falls away like a thin veil and I’m left wondering if my new found strength and self acceptance is all smoke and mirrors.

        And then I don’t worry about it and read something or write something or eat a cupcake. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

        • Yeah, well, you wrote about it, didn’t you – that tattoo post. It was compelling stuff, that. And I know – the theory will take knocks each time I dip back into the Abyss, as all our best-held theories do for all who go there, BUT, together we’re stronger, and I think if we remember that even though we might be IN the Abyss, there are people there, choosing to hold out their hand to us, because they made us matter to them, that counts for something wonderful πŸ™‚

          Liked by 1 person

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