In spite of my optimism yesterday, I think that this business of developing a positive sense of self (both in terms of -image and -worth) is going to be a long, slow process. I’m determined to do it, though – I have only TEN years left til ‘My’ age* (41, if you want to know), so I best make the most of that time.
One of the things I really struggle with (for a variety of very entrenched reasons, too complex (and frankly, dull)) to go into here, is the idea of ‘deserving’. I very rarely feel that I *deserve* anything; even to the point where I struggle to justify spending money on myself, and things like compliments can be total nightmares for me. Gifts often make me feel completely overwhelmed, and mingled into the delight at receiving one is a shaky, dark, painful thought that the giver shouldn’t have wasted their time/money/efforts on me.
I struggle with friendships, too, rarely feeling as though I’m worth the other person’s investment (though again, I’m hugely grateful), and am frequently subject to all the gamut of emotions the chronically insecure feel in their darker times; jealousy, abandonment, anxiety, and that awful, nagging feeling that the other person is just playing along to humour me.
It’s a pain in the ass, because I tend to love quickly and trust slowly. I think very little of letting other people matter to me; it’s quick and easy because I know they’re AWESOME, but because I DON’T know that I am, it baffles me somewhat when people let me matter to them.
I am my own worst enemy.
I think I found a loophole, to get around some of the thought patterns which make my life so complicated: come on over to Sisterwives, and see why, in spite of all this, I can stand here today and say, quite confidently, that I MATTER. And it has nothing to do with me, or any kind of deserving…
*the age at which I have arbitrarily decided I will Have My Shit Together, and be Winning at Life (so far as my thought processes, responses and behaviours are concerned).