I’ve been threatening this for a while now. No…I’ve begun badly already, you see, I’ve started talking (or is it writing? – writing but talking (cos I hear it in my mind as talking, yet my fingers know it as typing, and I guess you see it as writing so…)) in my own voice.
AH HA! (you might say (or you might not (I don’t know – do I know you? How likely *am* I to have correctly gauged your reaction?))) HOW MANY OTHER VOICES MIGHT YOU BE TALKING IN?! (No…no-one speaks like that. You probably didn’t say that, even though it’s a valid point. Maybe)
Let me begin at the beginning. Except I can’t because I already began, but I want to take you back to BEFORE this post, and capitalise on the opportunity to explain the POINT. Before you get entrenched in just trying to work out what the heck’s going on, and give up entirely (I hate it when a post has no point, don’t you? It seems like some sort of exercise in vaingloriousness; as though the blogger (because at that stage I am loth to use the term ‘writer’ for them (and would NEVER use the term Writer (which, as we (Writers) all know, has a very different meaning (it’s all in the capitalisation, baby!))). SO! To the point:
It began (pre-beginning this post) as a challenge-which-wasn’t-a-challenge (more an assertion (or vote of confidence)) that I wouldn’t be able to write a bad post. As though somehow my words (and thoughts?) were imbued with some kind of inherent golden glowiness and worthwhiliness and….wait, squiggly red lines?! whaddya mean ‘worthwhiliness’ isn’t a word??? Gah! Hate when that happens (as an aside, it also happens with plain English more times than I’d like to count (that is to say, the plain English which is English-English, rather than American-English, because WordPress seems to have bought into the Noah Webster (oh, that man has a lot to answer for) line of thought that ‘u’s in words such as ‘honour’ or ‘colour’ are entirely superfluous))…and even if I *tried*, I wouldn’t be able to make a botch-job of it.
Now, I can’t *quite* agree (though you’re free to), because I’m pretty certain that there are times in every blogger’s life when they produce something which is an absolute crock of shit – I refuse to be the exception to the rule, just because that would be impossible, and I’ve already had breakfast (10 points if you get the reference, lovelies). That said, the vote of confidence was nice, but the challenge was nonetheless inherent, and I am nothing if not hyper-competitive (a trait which really only occasionally stands me in good stead).
So here I am, at the middliest middle of all this, on a word count of 456 (nice, for its consecutive numberification, and the joy of it being entirely serendipitous (not to mention extraneous) and ten kinds of unplanned) with really no idea where to go. I refuse UTTERLY to lower myself to the depths of banjaxing my spelling or grammar purely to get a rise out of you, for whilst that surely constitutes bad blogging, I don’t think it’s the kind I want anything to do with.
THAT SAID, I will take the opportunity afforded by a lack of anything else to say, to introduce you to (or remind you of) a wonderful and completely cringeworthy word I found online, which covers all eventualities in the situation that a person is too dunderheaded to know which version of the word they need:
And if that isn’t bad enough, I’ve just realised that I need to update my own perspective of myself, for my opening sentence quite clearly suggests that by ‘talking in my own voice’ (and that having been a bad start), I’m buying into the idea held (should I tell you who holds it? I kind of feel like if I allude and be suitably vaguely on this point, you might think that there’s more than one person in ownership of the idea, which is rather flattering, and I quite not-so-secretly like it…I shall remain vague and just tell you that THEY leave the most glorious, evocative…crap, no, I can’t finish because there’s no way of maintaining a dual plurality – if I continue in the singular or the plural, you’ll know whether it’s one or more person(s). THERE – THIS WAS A SENTENCE OF UTTER BOLLOCKS! Surely that counts?!) by the person who first held it. Though he/she/they may no longer hold it. Not after this.
Adunno. Perhaps it’s all in what constitutes a bad post TO YOU. I can’t be dealing with poor spelling (noway!) or bad grammar (NOWAY!) and yeah, I’ve got the ‘Completely Pointless’ down pat (unless you count the point as being to write a bad post, in which case it fulfills its point, thereby rendering it pointful, thereby nixing its chances at ‘bad’ (unless the point is so ridiculous it STILL succeeds at being a Bad Post, point (or lack thereof) notwithstanding) and I tried – I really tried, to look up something awful to include, like a sentence to end on a preposition (but what FOR?!) or a participle to dangle something off…and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
So, then. Boringness. That makes a post bad – when it’s all “blah, blah, blah” about a topic you’re not even interested in. That said, I don’t know how you can fail to be utterly transfixed with fascination at my attempt at a bad post [based on solid evidence, that – you’ve clearly made it THIS far…] and so even in losing your attention halfway through and qualifying for ‘bad’ that way, I’ve probably failed.
What about Social Media shares. Or those wonderful, WordPress ‘likes’? Perhaps if I get NONE of either of those, then I shall consider this to be sufficiently bad that no-one wanted to spread it further or inflict the (incredibly long and really, altogether tangled, befuddled, and otherwise confuscatory) contents of my thoughts on other people. Especially not if they’re people you like and want to continue speaking to!
I feel I have exhausted the possibilities. I’ve certainly exhausted myself! I’m going to go to bed and dream that you liked my Stupid Post and that you told me it was the best, most baddest, most utterly stinkin’ pointless Stupid Post of Bad Stupidness ever, and that I won my challenge.
Because I think if you *really* like it, then I didn’t.