A tirade from my Sub-Conscious

This is one of those disgusting, self-absorbed posts. If you don’t like emotional vomit, click the red ‘x’ right now and continue on your merry way. But I need to sleep and I can’t because this is buzzing around my brain at a million miles an hour and I want it out. I want some peace from it, and perhaps writing will expend it somewhat.. I *could* write this in a journal, sure – tuck it away on a Word document to discard in the morning or when things are less ‘this’-ish. But you’ll see in the end why I haven’t. If you get to the end. Goodness knows I wouldn’t bother.

What the hell – it’s my blog and I’ll put what I want here and regret it later.

Worst Enemy

Dear Lizzi

Good grief, you’re a mess. Your FRIEND called your name today to say hello, and you barely managed a smile because the sound of your own name made you shudder with disgust. You *should* be disgusted. You repulse me. Your own name, you utter freak.

How long has it been? Bit over a month since nothing went wrong and everything’s fine and you’ve still taken it into your head to have a bit of a problem with life.No, it’s longer, isn’t it. You’ve been gradually getting more and more self-absorbed – don’t think I haven’t noticed. You’ve stopped being involved in things. You’ve been avoiding people and cutting yourself off. Better for them, perhaps, to not have to endure your whining. Not good for you, though, you little idiot, because time with your thoughts is precisely what you don’t need.

Because you start believing them. Never trust yourself – you aren’t any kind of worthy, least of all trustworthy. Keep on self-editing so you come across as some kind of good, kind, pleasant whatever. You’re capable of that, and all that ‘*twinklysparkly*’ bollocks you try to self-mitigate with but you’re rotten inside and at some point enough people will cop on and try to call you on it. Question is, will you let them?

What do you need? Come on – what’s going to make you happy? Better dreams? A better life? A better look? Pfft. Don’t make me laugh, There’s NOTHING. WRONG. WITH. YOU.

If I could, I’d slap you after each word, for emphasis, to try to get it through your stupid, thick head, that actually, you’re FINE. You have a comfortable home. A loving Husby. A family who love you. Friends who care enormously about you. You believe in a God who’s meant to be all about love. You have a good job. A car. Plenty of money. What the FUCK is your problem, you piece of shit??

YOU *slap*

DON’T *slap*

HAVE *slap*

ANYTHING *slap*

TO BE *slap*

FUCKING *slap*

UPSET *smack*

ABOUT *punch*

Your friends battling cancer and illnesses? They have *actual* problems.

Your friends who are struggling on the breadline? They have *actual* problems.

Your loved ones with dysfunctional relationships and messy families? They have *actual* problems.

And now any of them who (for whatever reason) cares sufficiently will now feel the need to find space in their busy-enough-already-thanks days to try to deal with YOU. Twat. You disgust me. They’re so nice to you, and this is how you see fit to repay them – can’t even manage to just create nice wordplaces or send them encouragement or try to support them? No, you take issue and fall over some mythical ‘edge’ into a ‘dark place’ in your mind – you self-involved shit – and then they feel obliged through duty of care to step in and say something.

Nothing they say will touch you. Their concern won’t help. This is down to you, you useless lump. Stop spending your time running away from doctor’s appointments and the idea of telling anyone. You’re no tragic heroine. You’re a pain in the ass who needs coaching, like a little kid but (believe me) with none of the cuteness and all of the irritation – “come on, you need to see someone about this – I’ll take you myself if I have to” – No one should EVER HAVE TO SAY THAT TO YOU! You’re an ADULT for fucksake. Good GRIEF but you’re a burden to those who could well do without it. Honestly, I could weep!

Stop looking in the mirror. Stop standing on the scales. No-one cares if you’re thin or fat or whatever. It’s only YOU who cares. Just another fucking hang-up you can tunnel-vision yourself into until you poison yourself with neuroses. You still won’t be any more acceptable of a human being if you’re thinner. And no amount of weight loss will make you look the way you want, because I refuse to let you waste good money on things like surgery. You’re not that important and the money could go to – you know – charity or something; where they do Good Things for people who *actually* need help. You’re pathetic. Learn to live with yourself, for crying out loud. YOU DON’T MATTER ENOUGH FOR THIS.

And all this stuff around the Blogosphere at the moment about not judging people with Depression…pfft…guess what – Consider yourself VERY VERY MUCH JUDGED, YOU LITTLE FUCKWIT. How *dare* you, in a world where there are such horrific things going on – such awful things in the news, and you there all cosy and loved and IGNORING it all to obsess about yourself. You sicken me. You actually make me feel physically sick (at least, if a Sub-Conscious *could* feel sick) and I hate being in your mind. I hate your whininess. I hate your CONSTANT FUCKING COMPARISON. Oh my GOSH is it ever annoying. Geez – every fucking person you EVER go past is either thinner than you or fitter than you or better looking than you or probably a nicer person than you. Ohh it’s WEARING ME OUT! You make my skin crawl. I want to bang your head on something HARD so you just stop thinking in circles for TWO FUCKING SECONDS.

I hate you. I actually fucking hate you.

Sort your life out.

S-C

P.S. Hit ‘publish’, you little pussy. And don’t turn the comments off, you dickhead – don’t make it more difficult for people than you already do. You worthless fuck. Of the minority of people who don’t just silently agree with me and leave; anyone who tries to tell you otherwise, well – their voice won’t be louder than mine. I promise you that. And any of them who tell you to get help, and that you’re your own worst enemy – fucking LISTEN to them, would you? GOODFUCKINGGRIEF how MANY PEOPLE need to tell you before you get a CLUE?

P.P.S. Sort your fucking life out.

 

 

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70 thoughts on “A tirade from my Sub-Conscious

    • I think it takes a particular type of person to have a blog in the first place. And of those particular types of people, it takes one who resonates to bother responding to a post like this. The scales are tipped. Yes, I think it is.

      Glad to see you. I was about to tweet you cos I was worried.

      Like

  1. I’ve been battling with my SC this week as well. I’m being tormented by “if onlys” and “what ifs” and it all comes down to believing that that I’m worthless, broken, unlovable, and flawed – because if I wasn’t, then none of these things would be happening. I’ve felt this way since I was a child and those beliefs are part of the bedrock of my SC. My wise and wonderful friends tell me differently and encourage me to start believing myself. Of course I would change it right now if I could – if I was just magical and could wiggle my nose or wave my wand and heal myself and truly believe in myself, I would do it in a second! But since I’m not magical, I keep working on myself – having better days and worse days – and hoping that, eventually, I’ll be able to change those beliefs. But, man – does it suck in the interim!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am WITH you on the bedrock stuff. And all this ‘believing in yourself’ is SO much easier said than done.

      And there are days where all the things just aren’t enough. So now I know that. Not prospects, not hopes or dreams (though I’ve none left), not family, not friends, not love…and the only thing which keeps us going is…us. And it’s a case of being stubborn, at those times, perhaps.

      That said, solidarity’s good, too.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. So, honestly, I started reading & found myself shocked & appalled that you would use such harsh language towards & about yourself. . . I wanted to tell you to try treating yourself the way you treat others, because judging from this post, you hold others in a higher regard, despite claiming some kind of selfishness. . .

    Then, at some point about half-way through reading, it dawned on me with complete clarity that it would be HIGHLY hypocritical of me to utter a single one of the words that I wanted tell you — even if I do believe they are true! I catch myself having a very similar internal conversation with myself. . . It has kept me up more nights than I could even try to count. . . I COULD’VE BEEN THE ONE TO WRITE THIS POST. Bam! Frightening thought for me to have — just as it’s a frightening place for you (or anyone else!) to be.

    SO, good, bad, or indifferent, I feel compelled to tell you that I am in a very similar boat. A few months ago, after miscarriage, which occurred after moving to a new state, away from family & friends, closed off from the world, I slipped into a very similar spot of depression. There were talks about needing to see a psychologist or psychiatrist & talk things out & possibly get on some kind of medication. . . (It was FAR from being the first time in this position & it won’t be the last.) Then, several weeks later, after only seeing a physician for a referral, I started feeling better. I’ve had a good streak. BUT, as anyone in a similar position knows, it is just a streak. That ugly monster called “Depression” still lurkes in the shadows. I know how hard it is to ask for help & I know it’s even harder to actually accept it. . . I still haven’t really. . . Blogging IS my medication — not that it’s the right or only answer either. . .

    I guess I’ve written all of this when I could’ve simply said: I get it too. I have these same thoughts from time to time. . .

    Liked by 1 person

    • I appreciate you sharing. And it’s one thing to say (or hear) “I get it”, but to know and understand some of the history…I appreciate more, because part of my struggle is miscarriage (and now, infertility) and the prospect of never having children and just being pointless my whole life. In addition to other things, yaknow…

      So thank you. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your story and that you have these same voices tormenting you and that you really *do* get it.

      I was hoping that sharing this and getting it OUT would mitigate the need to go get any *actual* help. But I don’t think it mitigated much for long. So…we’ll see.

      Like

      • Good. That is precisely WHY I shared those things. . . I hear that people “get it” (& sometimes even that they don’t). People think you can just “snap out of it” — & I even joke with myself sometimes saying that I need to “just snap out of it.” BUT, anyone who has suffered from depression KNOWS that it’s NOT as simple as that.

        While I understand trying to NOT seek “professional” (or “actual”) help — since I, too, try to do the same. . . Only YOU know when that point is reached where you really should. . . And if you can’t do it for YOU, then do it for those who care about you — even if you’re just “going through the motions” & don’t really FEEL it, ya know? A “fake it until you make it” mentality. . . Because, maybe just going through those motions will lead to a day when you wake up realize that you really DO feel a bit better — & maybe that you have been feeling better for a bit of a stretch?

        I don’t know. . . That is the conversation I have with myself, anyway. . . I hope you find your spark again soon. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        • Spark coming slowly back. I think this was just a dip. I know not ALL the issues have been mended, but the self-hate’s gone a little quieter now. Thank goodness.

          But yes – if it impacts on those who care about me, that’s pretty bad and needs addressing. Blech. I hope it doesn’t do that again for a while.

          Like

          • Yeah. Most recently, for me, it was the added stress I suddenly realized my sour moods were having on the handsome husband. . . He busts his ass to support us & I felt worse for adding to his stress, rather than taking it away. . . Of course, I couldn’t just snap out of it. . . But, I could FORCE myself to spend five minutes doing the dishes every now & then. . . Eventually, I got back into a routine, when I was doing pretty much nothing. . . It’s a constant battle. . . But, it is what it is, eh? 😉

            Liked by 1 person

            • Sometimes. I tend to go up and down – I’ll have a stretch where everything’s alright, and then I’ll either start dipping and take a plunge, or suddenly find myself drowning and take a while coming out. It’s weird – all happens in very different ways. There are things I should have forced myself to do this weekend, and I didn’t. Just thinking about them made me tired :/ Ackk!

              Like

  3. I know it’s good that you get the thoughts out, although I wish I knew how to let you know how much your words – all of them, happy and sad, deep and light – touch so many people. I know it’s not that easy, cos I have some of these thoughts myself so often – I am trying to be as brave as you in writing them down, but I don’t think I can be.
    But, young lady, I do not like the slapping and punching. Shout at yourself if it helps, but please don’t do that, don’t even think it. It makes me want to hold and hug you and tie your wrists down. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  4. You. Are. Human.
    Period.

    I’m glad you wrote this – as harsh as it was to read – because it’s cleansing to rid of the words in your head. I *get* where you are. I *get* your inner struggle. The most important thing I can think to tell you is: you can’t be that despicable if this happens to others whom you know and respect. The comparisons; self-loathing; “selfish” tunnel vision; inner attack; depression.

    It’s not selfish. Or awful. And it doesn’t make you a bad/selfish/awful person.
    It’s human. Which makes you cherish-able.
    hugs and love, sweet BW. xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    • That is important. Thank you…we can’t all be right about others AND ourselves, can we (ironically, not being able to have our cake and eat it, as the saying goes)?

      It was SO cathartic to get rid of these thoughts. I needed them OUT so I could sleep. And today was a bit better.

      Thankyouthankyouthankyou BW, you’re awesome ❤

      Like

  5. It’s been a shite week. You’ve had a lot on your plate. I’m sorry your SC is such an asshole. If I could, I would dick punch him and tell him to shut the fuck up and leave you alone. I know no words that I say can pull you out of this funk, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t try.

    Lizzi, you spread light everywhere you go. You are kind and thoughtful and honest and so many things that are *twinklysparklygoodness* and I hate to hear you self destruct like this. No matter how many times I have to say it, I will continue to repeat it until you can believe it.

    You’re a sky full of stars.

    Hang in there, my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m almost back. I feel like a sky full of smog, which is gradually clearing. I had a good day, the sun shone, and after getting this out, I felt a bit of freedom from it…just because it wasn’t swirling in my brain any more. It’s not so loud.

      Damn those voices.

      But you made me smile and thank you, and thank you for being patient with me (and not with SC – I like your ideas)

      Like

  6. This you saying help me please I can’t do it on my own. I’ve been there and I want to tell you about a private new fb group called “not waving, drowning”. Please check it out. It doesn’t matter if I say you are beautiful inside and out that you are a very creative writer because I know you won’t hear it right now. Please check this group out because you are not the only one who thinks like this.

    Liked by 2 people

      • I told Katie to be on the lookout, I’m so glad. I put a post there yesterday with a song if you get a chance, read it. I don’t know you very well and I’ve been still are to a much lesser degree now. I also lost my very best friend to suicide on October 2, 2013. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. That’s my ghost. You are not alone…this hand is raised for you.

        Liked by 1 person

        • My bezzie survived her attempt. I went to visit her in the mental hospital they put her in afterwards, and honestly, I felt *so* comfortable there. Everyone was just so accepting and lovely and it was almost peaceful…

          I’m sorry you lost your friend. I found the group, and thank you 🙂

          Like

  7. Good morning Lizzy {early for me here in California}. I did read the entire post and I would wrap around and give you huge hugs if I were near you. Wow our Sub C can really mess us up right? I don’t know if I can use this as an example of maybe my comparisons to you or say other “great” bloggers, but I feel inadequate when I read your writings. Maybe I don’t know you personally, but “knowing” you in our blog world, I think you are pretty fabulous. I look forward to reading checking in EVERY day. You are worth something over here in my world. Now get yourself together, look at yourself today and say something nice about you Out Loud xoxox

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lynda you’re very sweet to say so…thank you. I’m honoured! I don’t think I remotely deserve any such accolade as ‘great’, not by any stretch! Wow.

      Don’t ever feel inadequate. Cos I read your posts and see your vlogs and sigh and think *if only* and wish I could get running again and…and…oh I’m sure we all find ways to manage to screw ourselves up (like you said) and fall into comparison traps. I just seem particularly susceptible to beating myself over the head with them.

      I won’t say it out loud, but in my mind, I shall whisper that you like my writing 🙂 Thanks

      Like

  8. I seriously hope this wasn’t inspired simply by my reaching out to you last night.

    Lizzi, this is depression. This is what happens to depressed people. Nothing is rational and nothing makes sense. It comes in waves. One moment you’re fine and the next your mind is mired in a nonsensical tidal wave of overwhelming emotions. You know this. I know you know this. And I HOPE you know that I’m not judging you for this because the very same things happen to me.

    By the way, it’s okay to be self-absorbed to a certain extent. Honesty, if you don’t care about and care for yourself, who will? You can’t neglect yourself or tell yourself that your problems are insignificant just because there are people who have it worse.

    Let me tell you how you and I are alike. While you were on vacation I had a breakdown of sorts. I don’t know how you heard about it, but you did. You took time out of your vacation to talk to me because you were concerned. Do you remember what I did? I pretty much told you to not worry about me and go back to your vacation because I felt like shit that you were wasting your holiday worrying about my problems. But, as you said, you wanted to help. You wanted to be there for me. Meanwhile, I was drowning in guilt for depriving you of fun. You’ve never said so, but I can only assume you never judged me for that because you still talk to me. Just as I, nor any of your other friends, don’t judge you for this. You are human and you suffer from depression. We get it. And it’s okay. Most of us here go through the same thing.

    This is okay. You are okay. You will be through this phase soon and you’ll be back to your normal self again. Please try not to be too hard on yourself for being…yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

    • *HUGE HUGS* COURSE I don’t judge you for that *shakes head* Goodness me no! And you talking to me last night was actually really helpful. And sorry I was snappish. And thanks for understanding. It helps a lot that you get this, and that you checked in on me. Thanks ❤ 🙂

      And I *KNOW* I know, I know…it's sounding more and more like I need to get some help on this. Which I am now resisting cos today I feel almost back to okay. So…I *really* don't want to go back to her AGAIN and tell her "okay, well before I was sad cos I'm fat and hideous, NOW I'm sad cos I'm just *me*" She'll acccckkkkk I don't wanna know what she'll! One thing at a time?

      I'm coming out of the phase…and writing this OUT did help. I got up today and things improved as the day went on. Starting with actually REMEMBERING to brush my teeth (WIN!)

      Liked by 2 people

  9. My first instinct was to beat the crap out of your SC because I won’t stand for anyone talking to my Lizzi that way. But that’s you, too. I challenge anyone to say that they can’t relate to something your SC is saying. I can, although it’s not as mean and demoralizing as the tirade yours had. We are all self-absorbed; we are human. You’re much harder on yourself than most, I think, because you Feel More, and you are Good. I’m going to keep telling you even though you probably won’t listen. And I’ll read any emotional vomit you care to spew.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dana you made my heart smile with that last bit, thank you 🙂

      I’m gradually coming out, perhaps. I booked an appointment today, which is a (probably) important one for me to attend. And the sun came out today and I felt happy about that, and then a whole load of other happy thoughts seeped in around the edges. And now I’m nearly okay.

      Take SC on any time you like. There’s about 23 years of un-doing to do *sigh* Feels like a mountain. But. SOMEHOW I gotta get this sorted by the time I’m 41. That’s still gonna be *my* age. I am DETERMINED.

      Like

  10. I can always tell. Yesterday, you were like a ghost. Your S-C is nasty. That said…yes, there is a lot going on in the world but you shouldn’t minimize your own issues. They are important. You are important. Simply because you are. And just so you are aware, this does not make you unique. Most of us get stuck in our own heads and beat ourselves up. You do a lot of good things for a lot of people so give yourself a break.

    Please.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know. Ack. I don’t like him but he’s been on my case for a while. That said, this OUT of me feels a lot better than the poison it was turning to inside. I still feel like he has some good points, but I don’t feel so…stuck under smoked glass today (if that makes any sense at all).

      I’ll try to hanging onto that I do some good things. And try not to think that that’s just masking who I really am. Somewhere in me, I’m alright…

      Thanks DA ❤

      Like

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  12. Ah sweetheart. You’re so much better than me at telling me and other people to wire their shit tight when this happens to them.

    I love your post. I would just go back and delete some of your sub-conscious’s more abusive sentences. They are not necessary, you know what I mean?

    I’m awake if you want to bitch and moan in person, or if you want me to put that bully of a sub-conscious of yours in its place.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I think your brain sounds wonderful, compared to mine…. All that shit is in mine as well but yea ….. Here is one, tell your subconscious , “SERINS LOVES ME JUST THE WAY I AM” i.e I love you just the way you are. And now repeat after me: “I…LOVE…ME, JUST…THE…WAY…I…AM”

    You can’t change the world… you can try to make it a better place, but some days you just need to take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sweet of you, Serins, but love isn’t enough. I guess you probably know that already, if your mind pulls anything like the stunts mine does.

      I need to care MORE about the world and LESS about myself. That’s half the problem (maybe). Too self-involved by far.

      Like

      • mmm,…. Lizzy, I live in Africa. Here I see children on the street begging for money, so that they can buy alcohol for their alcoholic parents. They hardly have close on their bodies and in winter it is freaking cold. The house priceses are so high that more than half of the population lives in shaks made of … you those metalic plates they use for roofing.

        Our “crazy” pepople wander the streets in their pijamas or military outfits or whatever their psycholsis is – because there is not really a support system for them.

        I live in a house. I have food. I have a job. All of that and I am the one who (well you have read my facebook). I don’t write posts called nobody gives a f… for no reason.

        I don’t actually help these children and those people…. there are so many of them – I walk on my merry way and look the other way just like everyone else.

        You think you are self absorbed? I think you need to come give me a good kick in my behind for being so selfish. No, my friend you are human.

        Liked by 2 people

  14. Wow Lizzi- that is exactly how I’m feeling tonight SC visited me too a a couple of times this week and basically said the same thing plus went way way back – you know talking about the past ..as if I can do anything about that now- SC is like a 2 year old…always talking and wanting attention- maybe I am exhausted – but my brute wants to contribute to everything that went wrong. hang in there Ms Lizzi do I dare say your not alone. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t dare to type what mine says about the past.

      Sorry you’ve been visited too. Hope you break free soon, and that things start feeling a bit more manageable.

      And yes – it’s exhausting that they never shut up (SC says because they’re right…duh!)

      Onwards and upwards. But it’s good to know I’m not the only one stuck here and feeling stupid about it.

      Like

  15. Your subconscious is a mean ol’ bitch. No matter WHAT she tries to tell you otherwise, you are worthy. Don’t let S-C or anyone else take that away from you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • He’s also a male voice (go figure).

      And I know, intellectually – because if other people are, then I must be – stands to reason. Feeling it…well, not sure I’ve ever felt it, really.

      Like

  16. Dear Lizzi, first of all, my comment will be short ’cause I’m on my phone. Second, hugs. And last, I’ve been on that same cycle of self absorbedness, then guilt from thinking my problems are stupid and everyone else’s are real and big (and this is mostly true) but you know what, everyone’s suffering is painful to the person going through it. This doesn’t mean you’re selfish especially because you are able to acknowledge that other people are suffering too. Anyway, I hope this makes sense.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. actually you’re wrong…. but it’s your right, and there are people who identify with you now (when you feel like an asshole) and there are people who identify with you when you do not (feel like an asshole)….not necessarily the same sets of people.

    I am glad you published this, because I am selfish in one of the few ways I am willing to admit to (being selfish)… I see you know, and, when my time comes to feel as you do (as it does to all clarks), it might not take as great a toll on me as it otherwise would.

    thank you.

    (btw… you do have something to be upset about and your dealing with it, as you are, is something that you can feel proud of…at least in the company of clarks….as to the rest of the world, they’re a different matter. but screw ’em. if they cannot have patience and compassion for a friend just because they (the friend) is not suffering an approved or recognizable form of difficulty/malady, then fuck ’em. the human heart is the human heart and not everyone understands that or are willing to understand that.)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thing is, *I* don’t have patience with or compassion for myself. I think this is all utterly ridiculous in a world where there are so many REAL problems. And all of these are made-up-in-my-head ones.

      Thanks for being glad. You were definitely one of the people I could count on ‘getting’ this (in all its magnificent shittiness). Though I’m not sure I’m dealing with it so much as having a tantrum *sigh*

      Like

      • tantrum is our own self-imposed way to make sure we maintain our exceptionalism it is a way to remind ourselfs that not only are we like the real people in the world, but, because of these ‘tantrums’ we don’t fuckin ever deserve to be one of those, clearly-different-and-therefore-better-than-we-could-hope-to-be people we see in the world out there

        Liked by 1 person

        • so… (in the wonderful way of the Wakefield Doctrine to reveal through others what we cannot see in our-own-damn-selfs) the problem is not that you are a jerk for feeling bad, but that you maintain, insist upon and otherwise make yourself subject to different rules than you allow to be applied to everyone else in the world.
          (the beauty of the Outsider worldview is that, at it’s core, there is only one Outsider in the entire world….you) everyone else is real.
          (the beauty of the Wakefield Doctrine is that it maintains that there are others like yourself, which in turns opens the door to: “hey! Lizzi!! if I wrote this post here today and you know that I could…or Denise or Cyndi) what would you say? …exactly!)

          oh yeah, please correct the above reply to read ‘…not only are we not like the real people’

          thanks

          (besides… this is just a backlash on hanging out with the cool kids…. lol)

          Liked by 1 person

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