It’s been a week of some extraordinarily wonderful Thankfuls, so much so that my head is spinning and I can barely think of an appropriate way to introduce this without my words tumbling over themselves in their eagerness to get out and reach your eyes, so that your mind understands what my heart is trying to tell you…
…it’s been a VERY good week. For lots of reasons.
My Very Good Week began on Saturday night, when I unexpectedly played host to my best-friend-in-the-world. There was a Situation, and I got a phonecall late at night asking if she could stay. She can always stay. She’s my Person and my Soulie (new term for me – I’m trying it on – whaddya think?) and also she can ALWAYS stay. There was raucous laughter, Pride and Prejudice (the PROPER one, made by the BBC – NOT THE FILM VERSION (which doesn’t deserve to share the name (NO! I haven’t watched it! (nor will you ever induce me to)))), alcohol, and more sugar than you could shake a stick at. The next day there was a delicious, lazy, three hour brunch, followed by an impromptu ride on a motor-trike whose owner she befriended.
My Very Good Week continued on Monday when I received an INCREDIBLE email notifying me of a tweet notifying me that my post On Isolation and Infertility had been Freshly Pressed. WOW! I have to say, the response I received to that post even before it got all pimped across WP was hugely wonderful and very encouraging. But since then I have had some amazing, often absolutely heartbreaking comments And through and through, it just reconfirms to me that the reason I write so openly and so honestly is because it matters, and sometimes the right person reads what I wrote, and takes away from it just the thing they needed to hear.
Such is the power of words. I have been both honoured and humbled by the number of people who’ve seen fit to write to me as a result of that post, and it is just *amazing* that my words have been able to make a real difference.
The sun shone for most of the week, and it was beautiful and warm and all things lovely (in spite of smashing my phone screen at the beginning of a bike ride I went on, and the bike’s gear cable at the end! pfft!). I even managed to write a meditation on rain without being brought low. That said, it began raining earlier this evening and is set to rain for a few days, but ya know what? I’m the SAME PERSON in the rain as I am in the sun, and I am *determined* not to let it bring me down. Not tonight, Josephine! Tonight I played netball and laughed and spent time in the company of an incredible group of friends.
Oh, oh, OH….AND my ‘gang’ got added to – I’ve inherited a new kid to ‘Aunty’, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. He’s a ‘Murican kid, who can karate and hip-hop like nobody’s business, and he is completely awesome. So YIPPEE! I also got to see one of my English kids tonight, who came in, begged to see the tarantula and then wanted to know all about the hair dye I’m going to use to turn a chunk of his blond noggin BRIGHTPINK when he finishes school for summer. We’re both very excited.
Yesterday I also reconnected with Niece and Neff, who I haven’t seen in what felt like forever. I didn’t have ages with them, as I was due to go out for dinner with Husby (Bike ride and Burritos – pretty epic date, rounded off with gelato and a stroll through the parks, where I found a secret rose garden, and we stopped and watched for-real cricketers for a while) but I got my quota of hugs and gorgeousness topped up a bit, which needed doing. We chatted and played football and I sat with them while they ate their tea. We did handstands and hugs and held hands and went around the garden looking at flowers, and just spent lovely, low-key moments together.
And then this – which I’m not sure belongs on a list of Thankfuls, because it’s a Thing which has potential for the BIGGEST Thankful…but also might prove to be nothing at all – Husby had an appointment with his endocrinologist this week. He’s going to begin taking testosterone (he really needs it, so he has energy to do *anything* with any consistency) and this will be the final nail in the coffin for his fertility, but he will be healthier, so this is a GREAT thing. But also, at some point before the testosterone takes hold, there’s a different, used-the-wrong-way-to-benefit-from-a-known-side-effect drug they might try him with. The different drug might (tiny chance) restore his fertility for a short while.
1. Why are we only finding out about this now?
2. Why couldn’t they have done this in the first place?
3. Does it even matter?
4. I don’t trust it. At all. And I refuse to get excited or entertain hope, because to step back onto that rug and have it ONCE AGAIN pulled out from under us, just when everything was beginning to be settled and consistent and peaceful, we are BACK IN A PLACE OF NOT KNOWING. So I’m happy and also not happy and also confused and scared and even though I don’t want to be, I am a tiny bit excited. Which irritates me and makes me nervous.
5. Why are we only finding out about this now?
Aaaand so I guess I *am* thankful. But also quite nervous, and I don’t want to make this a big deal, so I hope that July 4th, when all the ‘Mericans are out celebrating and the hop’s nice and quiet, is a good time to unveil this new possibility. Because I think a fuss would make it worse, make it real, and make it harder to get my head around. But I am also committed to sharing the ups and downs of this painful journey of infertility. And this *could* be an ‘up’, but Husby beginning to feel better and more energetic is DEFINITELY an ‘up’ – a huge one…so I’m thankful for that.
Oh, and to end on a BRILLIANT note – today I collected my next story for Tales from the Van. And my very own sister is this week’s Guest Bard. So YIPPEEEEEE 🙂