Ten Things of Thankful #52

Once again I have experienced the lightening of soul which comes with being stubbornly, determinedly and abandonedly thankful.

Today, as I draft these notes in the back of my van, between patients, I am able to list ten things I am genuinely thankful for. And it’s such a huge relief.

Because yesterday I thought Husby was going to try to kill himself. Husby Anxiety2

He’s been depressed with varying degrees of severity since the beginning of our courtship (though back then it was much masked by the excitement of a blossoming relationship) but since the deterioration of his health; the ensuing diagnoses, treatments and outcomes, it has been very much up and down. But mostly down. And often very down. And on Thursday, after a respite(ish) of about six months when things have been mostly okay (even reaching a few ‘up!’ moments), a series of circumstances, realities and events kicked him over the edge again.

He let me know how bad he was feeling and then followed with a series of frank (and previously voiced last time he was low) statements filled with despair, nihilism and sadness. Then stopped messaging, sending me through about half an hour of intense panic in the middle of my working day. I was was seeing patients who observed only the consummate, smiling, professional, whilst inside I was coming unhinged.

[And I wonder why one of the things Husby tells me is “You’d be happier if I wasn’t here, dragging you down.” – I can’t even begin to counter that, because depression makes everyone miserable, but I would be MORE unhappy without him in my life, and I DO tell him that, at least]

Meantime, though, I was frantic, and so very fortunate to have a safe space online where I could pour out my woes and anxieties and be heard by people who care. I was immediately surrounded with calm and comfort and support from this group of incredibly wonderful people, and their words were like balm, soothing the jagged panic which threatened to overwhelm me, enabling me to continue working until Husby got back in touch.

He wasn’t going to kill himself – he was just sad beyond all description. And was unable to find any point to being alive. But we could still go out on our date that evening.

When I picked him up, he got into the car and I dissolved into tears. Which made him feel worse. [You see the problem with this cycle? It’s a bastard, I tell ya!] We had a frank and uncomfortable chat. And yes, he loves me very much, and his family, and my family, but not enough that we collectively provide sufficient point for him to feel like his continued existence is worthwhile.

Today he phoned the doctor, who has upped his medication and referred him for (another) course of counselling. Fingers crossed it works. But really I don’t hold much hope. Husby holds less. We’ve been battling this cycle for a long time, and it doesn’t look set to change. There is no ‘point’ I can give him which he doesn’t reject out of hand, or hasn’t over-thunk and decided against. I shall just have to hope that something, somewhere, clicks.

I was so emotionally wrung out, I went to bed early. And got up still tired. And as I drove the Big Dog Van to my clinic today, in bright sunshine, which seemed to mock me with its cheerfulness, I decided that if I was going to be in a crappy situation I might as well start being damn well thankful for the things I could be thankful for.

And so with much concerted effort, my list was created.

Sunshine – and the lightness it gives to the evenings, and how the world seems to sparkle and glow under it. The very flowers and leaves are crying out in happiness to see so much of it. It is warm and delicious and I do love that it finally seems to be summer (as an adjunct, I’m very thankful for hayfever medication…)

Driving – most mornings I get sent out in the van to a clinic within the county of Hampshire. This involves anywhere between ten minutes and a little over an hour of driving. The longer drives are my favourites, in spite of the earlier start and according later finish, because they allow me time to think, mostly in beautiful surroundings (much of Hampshire is rural, and the New Forest National Park is stunning), which lifts my spirits, distracts me from whatever I need distracting from, and gives me a good dose of nature. Case in point, coming home Friday, stuck in a traffic jam, busy watching the beautiful white, sparkling clouds and the pair of buzzards circling lazily on the thermals over a roundabout, occasionally swooping into one of the cluster of tall pine trees, where I imagine their nest was.

Friends – with whom I can be truthful and honest. Who care about me and check in with me. Who do their best to raise my spirits when I’m down, and who celebrate with me in the good times. I have many of these, and I am thankful for all of them, for each in their own way holds an important part in my network of happiness.

Hula-hooping in the garden – after a challenge from Mandi, I took up hula-hooping, with what might be a left-over chunk of gas piping. After a frustrating first try one evening, when I discovered that anti-clockwise is easier, I’ve spent three very pleasant half-hours after work in the garden, plugged into my MP3 player, singing merrily away to myself and hula-ing my heart out. I’m almost consistent and my drop-rate is significantly less at this end of the week. I’ve also been practicing handstands and once managed (a very quick) five seconds of uprightness before falling flat.

This took about eleventybillion attempts. Most. Complicated. Selfie. EVER.

This took about eleventybillion attempts. Most. Complicated. Selfie. EVER.

Responsive MPs (maybe) – because after I emailed him to tell him I was angry that Niece and Neff’s bedroom window got shot through, he replied the next day to ask for her details. I’m now waiting to see whether he contacts her. If not, I will be in touch with him again. And again. And again. Until I get some answers about why the police were allegedly unable to do anything constructive about protecting my family.

Ten Things of Thankful Facebook Group – Okay, shameless plug, but it’s fun, and I’ve already found it helpful and uplifting as the week has gone on, and members have created little vignettes of thankful, shared their good things, and a bunch of inspiring pictures.

My Dad (well, it *is* father’s day) – I have learned a lot from him, my favourite probably being a love of cooking, and the ability to do so with some panache. I really enjoy cooking and can talk at length with foodie friends, with some degree of knowledge. I’ve also learned a lot of my Dad’s sense of humour – sarcasm, a bit of vitriol and quite a lot of silly. When this combines with cooking, you get the on-and-off game we play, of coming up with absolutely the WORST combination of foods ever. Currently the record is held by chocolate-covered whelks. I’d like to take this opportunity to up the ante and suggest that a curried oyster and marmite cheesecake might be worse.
 

Poetry – which allows me to say the things I want or need to, or just fancy saying, in a lovely artsy-fartsy way which people enjoy. This week I wrote a piece on how we all have music within us. The Well Tempered Bards is back up and running, and I already have three very exciting guests lined up, so check it out and if you want to contribute, let me know, and I’d be pleased to cast my eye over a submission. We’ve had some absolutely CRACKING Guest Bards so far, and it’s a great way of getting your poem (and your good self) pimped a bit.
 

The Beach – because even when I’m not there, I can imagine the shoreline, the smell of salt in the air, and the gentle sound of the ocean breaking and breaking on the shore – the sound of the earth breathing – and I feel calmer. It’s not quite meditation, but certainly finding the beach in my mind is something special and safe and helpful. The sight of the sea twinkling under the sunny, blue skies; the wheeling and high, keening cries of the seagulls; the memory of the breeze in my hair and the feel of sand under my shoes; even internally, is a treasure every bit as cherished as the shells I bring back to help me remember.
 

Music – I am so, SO lucky that my job requires me to listen to the radio all day long. And that my favourite station is so very good. Plenty from the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s (with occasional forays into the more recent past). Music uplifts, cheers, inspires, distracts and calms me. I can hook into it and be part of the song. I can unhook from whatever thought processes are bugging me at the time. After music, I feel better. Sometimes it’s a slow process, but it gets me there in the end.
 

Have you had a moment this week where you realised that in spite of the struggles of life, there were things to be very thankful for? Have you been rescued by friends lately? Or had the honour of being able to be there for someone close to you? Over to you…
 

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111 thoughts on “Ten Things of Thankful #52

  1. I’m always around for a sparkly chit-chat, Lizzi. For now I have a hug or twenty for you.

    And yes, I had to remind myself of happy things last week as well. It’s so easy to shuffle around in a shadow. Music helps me through it most of the time.

    Thinking about you! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, dear ApfelSparkle. It’s so nice to know that if I ever need to be glitterified and cheered up, you will be there. Same back to you – shuffling around in a shadow is no good.

      I’ve had music, but mostly I’ve had my people. And sunshine.

      Take care, m’dear, and I hope your shadows get banished soon *HUGS*

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  3. Okay cannot figure out how to link up but I played because this is awesome That you were in the total dark but found the light. I’m so sorry that you are going through this because well it sucks. But know that there are so many minions out there pulling for you and your man.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Kerri (and FYI, it’s the blue frog at the bottom of my post, which says the number of entries and to click to add your link).

      It was a horrible dark time last week, and thank GOODNESS for this exercise! I really, really needed it. And the people around me.

      As for ‘minions’ – gosh, I didn’t know I had any! Wow! 😀 But thanks for rooting for us 🙂

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    • Thanks m’dear. It seems (I’m being tentative here) to have all quietened down again now, which is such a HUGE relief, I can’t begin to tell you. But thank you – if I need you, believe me, I will be in touch.

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  4. I don’t know what it is like on the other side of this nightmare, but I can tell you as a person who came “this close” the thing that stopped me was their love. I can’t imagine how helpless you may feel but the single most important thing is love. even if he shuts you out, he feels it….promise. Tell him that every day. you are such an amazing person and husb is so lucky to have someone who loves him unconditionally. remember to be good to you too. I’m glad that you got him help right away. even though I’m forever and a day away, I am here loving on you. so much love. xoxo
    I know that this is such a harsh statement but when I was in outpatient care, my counsellor said this to me and I think about it all the time…
    “No one has ever said ‘I’m so glad she killed herself”

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    • Thank you SO MUCH for that encouragement. I will keep going and keep loving him. So far it has been the thing in the past which stopped him, and I hope it will be the thing which keeps him going. Thank you.

      I shall try my best to be good to myself. I’m less good at that and I have a horrible tendency to take these things personally.

      That’s a good thing to have heard, I think. I shall bear it in mind.

      And THANK YOU.

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  5. Hey Lizzi! So sorry to hear about this cycle with your husband. I will keep you and him in my prayers. I was a hula hoop champ in one of my summer camps. LOL. Dads are something to truly be grateful for. I’m glad you were able to learn some things from yours. 🙂 Friends are great to have too. I’ve been feeling not my normal self recently and I’ve had some really supportive friends there encouraging me during this time. 🙂

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    • I’m really glad you’ve had good people around you, Brittnei, and I’m sorry you’ve not been feeling yourself. I hope you’re back to normal soon.

      Dads can be something to be grateful for – it’s true.

      But what I REALLY want to know is…what does it take to make you a hula-hoop CHAMP? Because that’s awesome and I want to see if I would stand a chance 🙂

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  6. I like the phrase ‘lightening of the soul”. It’s so very appropriate this week, isn’t it? I have been in the place where you are required to keep the face of a “normal” person while a storm of anxiety and panic rages on the inside. That is right up there with some of the worst feelings in the world and I’m sorry that you had to go through it for any amount of time at all. I, too, am glad for you having friends to send you comfort and support in moments that would be otherwise unbearable.
    I would like to think that just the fact that Husby phoned the doc for help is a positive sign that the depression hasn’t completely devoured him. Silver lining?
    The beach, music, drives through beautiful scenery…all good for the soothing the soul. However, the next time I am in need of therapy, I’m hula-hooping 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes. It’s been quite a feature, and a required one at that, and I feel somewhat lightened and buoyed by the idea that some of the other people I love are also feeling a little better at this end of the weekend. My heart hurts though, because I know there are others who don’t feel that lightening yet…

      It’s an awful, sucky place to be and I couldn’t have done it without my people around me. I’m so glad it didn’t last.

      I think he bowed to pressure from me, but having done it, he is pleased he finally did. I hope that all is not lost, and each day I feel a little more hopeful that this can be turned around before it goes nasty…it’s down to the responsiveness of the doctors now, I guess. But that he even did it, in spite of not wanting to – HUGE silver lining 🙂

      I hope you enjoy hula-hooping, and I hope you get to do it for the sheer enjoyment, rather than because you need it 😀

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  7. Lizzi your honesty, it’s beautiful… your list is TTOT it’s after you remove all the layers!!! you know , i am sending you a virtual hug to you. XOXO

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  8. Ah, Lizzi. I’m so sorry. You and Husby have been on my mind lately, and I was wanting to ask how things were. I was always too busy to ask. I hate being too busy to be there for my friends.
    I am so looking forward to being able to give you a real-life hug. 6 days!!!!

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    • Your busy-ness is a necessity though, m’dear, and it’s okay – I’m surrounded by Lifeboats (it has actually been very clever of me – if one’s not around, another several might be) and they got me. I SERIOUSLY hope he’s better a bit by the time you get here. I think we’ll be alright. He seems to be on the up again as of the weekend, so there’s that.

      6 days and counting 😀 Five, in fact, as it’s Sunday now. I can’t wait ;D

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  9. Sorry to hear you had such a heart stopping scare and that your husband was down this week. I have family members – and had a close friend when I was younger – who struggle with depression – but it must be particularly difficult – for both of you – when it’s your spouse. Thinking of you.

    As for coming back and rallying with the thankful – well done. And I’m impressed re: hula hooping. I never figured it out.

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    • It really sucked. I’m glad that moment is over, and that I had such marvellous people around me. I am truly blessed by their presence in my life and thankful beyond anything that they were there when I needed them.

      Thanks – I always TRY for the thankfuls. It’s a good exercise. Hula-hooping is hard, but IS possible. Though I could never do it as a child.

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  10. Oh I so hope the worst is behind you. I have no words of comfort as I know that whole “I’ve already considered this and….” frame of mind that depression sets in. Bastardo. Hopefully something does click.
    I’m sorry I haven’t been around, out of town and my phone seemed to be mostly always out of juice. Glad to be back and so THANKFUL for the TToT group, it’s a lovely positive bonus to the usually semi-painful Fartbook experience 😀 Your list is amazing, and I love your strength of spirit. Like Zoe, you still have a wonderful list of thankfuls. That is inspiring, and so necessary these days.
    Good luck w/the hula hooping, I seem to have lost my groove with it. We have a computer game that has a fitness program in it (called Wii Fit) and it has a hoola hoop game, but luckily you don’t have to ACTUALLY balance a hoop! You DO have to make large circles and quckly, or the picture of the hoop on the screen drops. It’s kind of funny, I should try to video it. That would definitely make you laugh anyway! 🙂

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    • Oh but you do make me laugh, Joy “The man in the middle is a cardboard cut-out”; “the computer game is called Wii Fit” – is it because I don’t have a telly, I need a bit of help with ‘what real people do’? *grinning*

      I have heard that you’re an absolute DELIGHT in real life, and I’m so pleased, because I find you an absolute delight online, and am glad you’re consistent.

      Thanks for liking the TToT group so much. I hope that it becomes a little pocket of thankfulness and quiet buoying-each-other-on-ness in amongst the busy-ness of the world at large.

      As for the depression. I don’t think the worst is behind. I can’t tell if it’s just starting up or if this was a blip. I really want it to be a blip. We’ve both been waiting for the other shoe to drop for the whole of the six months he’s been okayish, and now we’re both scared that it dropped.

      Sorry you know this. I have to say, I know it too, and it stinks. Every way around and whichever way up, down or sideways you look at it, it sucks.

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  11. Oh, that is a rotten, rotten beginning, and I am so, so sorry that things have taken a turn for the worse. I dealt with a partner talking like that for a relatively brief period of time, but I know how miserable and cyclical it is. I cannot fully comprehend your situation, but I know enough to have a whole lot of sympathy.
    I’m super impressed and happy that you found your thankfuls, though. I hope they continue through this next week.

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    • It truly has been a week of some thoroughly rotten moments. But there were silver linings even there and in a way it made me even MORE determined to bloody well find them and own them and take notice of them.

      At the moment I need them more than ever.

      I’m sorry to hear this is a situation you recognise. I’m glad yours was only for a brief period of time. We’ve both said that had we known how it would turn out, he would never have proposed and I would never have accepted. But that sends us off into ‘if only…’ land, and that’s never a helpful place to dwell.

      Thanks for the hopes 🙂

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    • I just found another one. I read Gretchen’s post – the one you recommended. Oboy my HEART! But good came of that, too, so thank you for linking it.

      And yes. Helluva week. I don’t think I’m a positive person by nature (perhaps I am, and don’t know it – I didn’t know for the longest time that I was an extrovert by nature, yet here I am, extroverted) and the exercise of deliberately pinning down the things I’m thankful for is SUCH a good one, particularly on a crappy week. It means more, because I know there is still good left in life…and as long as I can find it, it’s okay.

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      • Gretchen is amazing.

        I really didn’t mean to link that particular post; that was just her latest. You would really appreciate her blogging, because she’s very socially aware, and is constantly trying to find ways to put her thoughts into actions.

        I like the idea “drip feeding” positivity into one’s life. I struggle with that, when I most need it, which of course, is the tricky part of the exercise.

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        • I will have to read more of her. I confess I read that one, cried a bit and had to absent myself to cook dinner, so there’s that. I look forward to reading more of her social-awareness and her drive to put things into action. She sounds like my kinda gal 🙂

          YES to drip-feeding positivity. I wonder if we could do something in SW with that – a kind of (much as I hate referring to the silliness of it, it could work, bear with me…) ‘Snaps Cup’ post?

          It is an intensely tricky part of the exercise. I have written these lists in tears more times than I can count. I have written them bitingly, seethingly angry. I have written them desolate and lonely. I have written them incandescently happy, just about alright, and all the things in between. It’s SUCH a good exercise, and thank GOODNESS I am in charge of it, or I would have crapped out a whole bunch more times than I have.

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  12. Oh hun, I’m so deeply sorry your sweetie is going through this bad spell! Sending him and YOU our best thoughts and prayers that the meds quickly kick in and improve his disposition. Lordy, to sit and really be in his shoes, to really FEEL what he does would bring so much more compassion and understanding for those that deal with depression. We will only think positive that a glowing ray of sunshine is bestowed upon now! Many hugs to you always 🙂

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    • Thanks both 🙂 It’s a sucky thing to have to deal with, for anyone involved, and I really hope that this cycle moves through quickly and doesn’t get too drastic! But yes – understanding brings compassion, for sure, and I hope that if I try to understand him well, I won’t lose my temper so often, or go off the deep end at him.

      Thanks for the sunshine 🙂

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  13. the beach! damn! if that’s not every first date/first kiss/first love sense-smell-memory goulash, then I don’t know what is…
    this list today, for me, is your showing (your own awareness) of what you can/must do in your difficult situation… find your solid place within and be there for him…

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    • Yes. I think you’re right – because if I can find it in myself (even with support) to somehow be strong, then I can help him. And knowing HOW to achieve that is crucial.

      YES to memory goulash! What an amazing term for it 😀

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  14. You are such an inspiration with your 10 things of thankful. Especially with the circumstances this week. As someone who has many family members that suffer from mental health issues, I know how hard it can be to watch someone you love feel so terrible. Sounds like he has a pretty amazing woman at his side though, and I’m sure HE is thankful for that. 🙂 One of these days I’m going to do your link up….because, well, we could all use a little more gratitude.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you 🙂 I’m not setting out to inspire anything other than that people join in and start finding the benefits of the exercise for themselves. It would be AWESOME if you joined up with us one week – we have so much fun over the weekends…

      Thanks though. I’m sorry you have knowledge of this situation, and I hope that things are well for you at the moment. Husby is grateful for me – he tells me that, and it’s really sweet of him to notice and to care enough to acknowledge it. It spurs me on to be more supportive of him, so I guess that spiral is at least an upwards one.

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  15. I’m so out of the loop, and I’m sorry I haven’t been one of the friends who have been there for you, but I’m thankful that you have many who are. It totally sucks that your husband is in such a dark place. Sending you some of the sunlight you are thankful for. Oh, and I can’t hula a hoop to save my life.

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    • It’s okay, Dana. I am fortunate to now enjoy a wide network of friends, usually some of whom can be (and in this instance, were) called upon at a moment’s notice to help piece me back together again. Thanks for sending me sunlight. And I’d love to see you TRY hula-hooping, because honestly, I thought I couldn’t either.

      Are things well with you?

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  16. Okay, let’s start with hula-hooping because it makes me smile that a) you accepted my challenge and b) you’re improving. I love to hula-hoop. It takes me back to my childhood when I could spend a day in the grass with a plastic circle and shave off hours of bliss in the sun. But, my love, there are benefits to hula-hooping as an adult. You burn lots of calories doing it, and think about the muscle groups you have to use to keep that little electrical tube off of the grass: Core muscles and glutes. Your pilates instructor will thank me when she sees your six pack!

    I absolutely hate that husby is in his dark place again. Depression is a beast, an unforgiving little bitch who messes with everyone, not just the one who can’t hear past the screams in his head. I’m so so sorry you are dealing with it again, but you DO have a huge circle of people to hold you up when your legs buckle, so never fear to reach out to us for support.. We’re here. I’m here. Today, tomorrow, and always.

    And if I were to write a thankful post (but I’m not because I want my friend’s post to get a little more traffic), I would have to thank the same group of people. How lucky are we? How lucky am I to have this new group of dynamic friends with Hercules sized cyber arms?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your comments are like stepping outside into the first morning air, when everything’s still sparkling new for the new day 🙂

      I am REALLY glad to know now precisely *what* I’m getting to with the hula hooping. That’s awesome. I also tried a bit of (very silly looking, doubtless) just holding my arms out at different angles as I did it, and I could feel the muscles working there, too. YAY! My pilates instructor better dang well appreciate it. She tried to teach us this move called the ‘boomerang’ and OHMIGOSH I just do NOT bend that way. At all. She makes it look so easy, and then she giggles behind her hand when we try and fall over. She’s so funny.

      Also – it was a challenge. You should know this by now – I have THE hardest time saying no to a challenge. And this one is fun and healthy and nice. I get to spend time in my beautiful garden, listening to music, getting fitter. Triple win. I could never hula-hoop as a kid though. I was too busy on roller-skates and climbing trees.

      Depression sucks. Bigtime, in every which way, shape and form. BUT, yes, I have an amazing support network and I’m so grateful for the way our group were there for me this week. I really, HUGELY appreciated it. To. The. Max. I was in such a bad place, and I so needed that reassurance. We’re both lucky to have them. Talk about your right place/right time serendipity! Ouf!

      I hope your friend’s post gets a bit more traffic. I’ll send it out again in a sec 🙂

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  17. I’m so so sorry you have to go through this. I know depression and it is a dirty dirty thief of happy and light. But here you are, proving that it can’t steal it all from you. And that is so amazing. I’m in awe. Hang in there and you all are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

    • A thief is exactly right, Tricia! I call it The Saboteur. I hate it, but I try my absolute best not to let it drag us both down – if Husby’s low, I need to find a way to keep strong for him and show HIM the silver linings. Which is tough when I’m struggling to find them for myself. This thankfulness thing is more important for me now than ever. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers – I hope they help 🙂

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  19. I can not begin to imagine what these days have been like for either one of you. And how you managed to focus on work, I will never know. I hope brighter days are close ahead, and pray the med change makes measurable improvement.

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    • I think just because, in the moment, there was absolutely nothing else TO DO! I am nothing if not very good at plodding stoically through all kinds of awful things, either because there’s absolutely nothing I can do to impact the situation (like my childhood) or because I lack the imagination to do anything different or to go to pieces.

      Thanks for the hopes and prayers. I appreciate them.

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  20. Oh sweet Tigger… my heart! I am so sad and distraught that you had such a horrible time and had to sift through the wreckage without me by your side! Why am I NOT in your fb group??!! (Or did I miss something?) I am so so sorry you and ‘husby’ BOTH have to endure such hardships with this awful depression! Oh, how it breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces to read this…

    And to think you mustered up the strength to face THANKFULS in your precious life right now. Oh sweet sis, I’m so so proud and inspired by your task here, and the thankfuls you so fiercely embrace. HOLD ON to THEM….

    And get me in that FB group! AND? You better message me next time. Kitty wants to KNOW. Pff.

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    • You’re IN IT, Kitty, I added you last week but you have to ACCEPT THE INVITATION! If you click on the link at the end of my post, you should find it and you can accept and join in.

      I’m hanging onto these thankfuls and a bunch more this morning. We had a nice night last night (til we got rained off! Ya WHAT! Where did Summer go?) and I had a lovely overnight on VidChat, and now I’m going to have my hair cut and to see my mum.

      You had things going on hun. I didn’t want to disturb you. I just reached out to a few people who were online right in that moment, and they were (wonderfully) not only ample, but wonderful. And I saw all the lovely photos you were putting up and didn’t want to drag you down.

      But HEY – I’ll have a super-challenging week of my life with a side-order of GUILT, shall I? 😉

      (I jest, of course; I know you wouldn’t do that Kitty)

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    • I’m sorry to hear that you know this so well, Cyndy. That sucks. He thinks he’s lucky to have me, which is sweet of him. I just wish he would see and understand that I’m lucky to have HIM…

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  21. I’m hoping things get better for both hubsy and yourself — but I’m glad you are still able to see the beauty in your life in the midst of the worry and sadness. I had a health scare this week and ended up having surgery yesterday — where I found it could have been much, much worse — so I’m grateful that I’m now at home, sore but sound (just missing a few parts).

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    • Yipes! Jana I’m so sorry to hear that. Sounds like quite the scare! I hope recovery goes really smoothly for you, and that you manage to get lots of R&R in over the weekend. Good grief, it really HAS been one of *those* weeks for a lot of people! I’m glad you’re back home and relatively safe and sound.

      And thanks for the wishes for me and Husby. I hope we make it through this together, and come out stronger on the other side. I think forcing myself to acknowledge the good things has been really key in enabling me to continue without coming unglued.

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  22. Fuck, Lizzi. I’m so sorry that he’s on one of these swings… Fuck fuck fuck. For both of you and all of you and everybody not getting enough support and meds that they need. Hugs to you and husby. Big huge ones.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Oh, Lizzi. I’m so sorry to hear about Husby. I hope with the help of medication and therapy he’s able to make some progress for both your sakes.

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      • Im not as willing to be as honest here as you are … bad prognostics this week… I knew this, but this week sent it home some…. just a tough one all around… funny … my mother was suicidal her whole life until she became ill and had to fight for it… not that I wish this on anyone and not that I ever deal with that level of depression… perhaps the struggle to stay alive protects me in some way… wtf… its all messed up , yes?

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        • Shit. That sounds not good. And perhaps yes – the struggle and the pissed offness with something else trying to do you in makes you not want to do it yourself. It is messed up, but that kind of thing always is, isn’t it. *HUGS* I hate this for you.

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  24. Sending you and your hubby hugs and hope for the right combo of meds and therapy. Has he tried cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)? It’s similar to what you’re doing with TToT in that you rewrite irrational negative thoughts replacing them with more rational thoughts. You literally retrain your brain.

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  25. I don’t know if I can come up with a post this week!! Some of the things you mentioned make a loud resounding echo with me and make it harder to see the positive! I will try and take direction from your post but I’m not promising anything!! I wish you and yours all the help and guidance you need and hold out hope that it is positive and encouraging!

    Like

    • Ack that sucks Melissa. My thing was, in these really tough times, to find the tiny things to be thankful for. Like a bird singing a song which made you think “that’s nice” or having a meal you enjoy. Or…sometimes just a cup of tea or the fact that you’re still breathing and there’s oxygen left in the atmosphere so you can continue breathing. The exercise is strongest when we find it hardest. It’s a good, good thing to do, to just TRY.

      And you can always dance for the GuardVirgins to get out of one…

      Sorry life is so hard for you at the moment, and particularly that some of these things resound so strongly with you 😦

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  26. So sorry to read that your hubby is going through this and I do understand. You’ll see why in my post today. A drug called Abilify was added to my anti-depressants which gave them a boost and I was good after 2 weeks on the Abilify.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Oh wow, I am so sorry that he felt that way and that you both had to deal with that. I am glad you (and he) had people to turn to; scary is an understatement in those situations.

    I have been an emotional trainwreck this week, so I’ll say yes to the first two questions and hope that the answer to the third is also a “yes”.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ack. Well here’s to solidarity on the emotional train-wreckage! Yow! It’s been quite a week for a LOT of people, it seems! I hope you get your third ‘yes’ soon.

      You’re right – scary is SUCH an understatement. I got all panicked and wondered if I’d ever see him again. Perhaps I went a little overboard on the worry, but…it’s hard not to, given the history.

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      • It’s ok not to get that third yes, I know I try. If I actually help, I don’t know.

        Better to go overboard than not at all. If you can tell something is off, then go with your instinct. You can’t be faulted for that.

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        • Well I reckon you’re probably a good enough friend to try, and sometimes just knowing that someone’s invested enough to try, counts. So there’s that

          But yeah – better to have a worry than a blank.

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  28. I am seriously so sorry you have had to go through this this past week. Just so glad that your husband didn’t go through with harming himself and that he is getting the help he needs in the form of changing his medication. By the way, I have linked up now, since I actually shared some thankful things earlier in the week on my blog and just added to the end to be able to linkup with you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh COOL! Mid-week thankfuls! Sounds good, Janine.

      And this…is another one of those ongoing, frustrating, painful things to deal with. But apparently he never intended to hurt himself (this time) it was just my anxiety because last time…

      ANYWAY! I think the changes which are happening *should* help. I really hope.

      Like

      • Aww, thank you for understanding about my mid week thankfuls and thought it fit pretty well here. And as for your husband, I really am glad this will help him and you know I am a message away if you need anything. Hugs and love you, Lizzi 🙂

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    • Thanks Kitt. *sigh* I’m thankful for that too – that he has good care and health people. I just really really really hope they help. But yes – he has a loving, supporting Wifey, and sometimes she even does alright at it.

      Liked by 2 people

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