A-Z April: Advice Column

WAHEY! It’s finally here. A-Z in April, and I’m going to be going through an alphabet of writing styles (am I learning to be a writer, or am I not? I totes am, y’all! Absolutely! And I promise not to use any more silly phrases. Except when it’s absolutely necessary).

Onwards and upwards, Lovelies! Today’s letter is A, and my style is Advice Column, thanks to a suggestion by Suzanne of Times Squared. I asked a few people for help, and they came up trumps with the questions they needed advice on: read further to find out what they need to know, and how I helped them…


Dear Auntie Siddie
I love cake far more than is good for me. To make matters worse, I live in Haribo-land and the sweet sound of sugar is constantly calling to me. What should I do?
Help me, before I outgrow the problem!
Love, Deanna

Dearest Deanna,
You are in a sweet little mess, aren’t you? I can see this problem getting bigger and bigger if you’re not careful! If you’re not prepared to invest in a little willpower (or duct-tape, between meals), the matter should solve itself quite rapidly – eat as many sweets as you like and stop brushing your teeth! Once your little toothiepegs have gone rotten and brown and begun to crumble out of your mouth each time you open it to pop another sweetie in, you’ll soon lose your appetite.
You’ll be alright, honey.
Love, Auntie Siddie

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Auntie Siddie
How do I get my husband to wear more deodorant? Asking for a friend…
From Evil Joy

My dear Joy
I’m slightly concerned that you want your husband to wear more deodorant for your friend…surely you would rather that he was freshly-scented for you?
Perhaps you could turn him into one of those delightful scratch-n-sniff games as an incentive – each time he pongs, you dig your nails in! I’m convinced he’d soon take the hint.
Sweetly yours,
Auntie Siddie

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 
Dear Auntie Siddie
What advice would you give a young woman who can’t help but compare herself to women in magazines and thus feels ugly and insignificant?
Thanks for your help,

Lovely Jennifer
Apart from the very simple answer of “Don’t buy those awful magazines any more”, I would tell her this – you need to find somewhere else to locate your self-esteem than in your looks. Rather than worrying about how attractive you are physically, work on how attractive you are as a person. Do you make people smile? Do they warm to you? Can you incite laughter or mischief or fun? Do people want to spend time in your company? 
I won’t tell you that looks don’t matter – you’ll always feel better when you think you look good, but what other people will remember is how you made them feel. And if you made them feel good, and know that you’re loved, that’s far more important.
(Pro-tip – if you get obsessed and start whining about weight or prettiness or body shape all the time, you’re going to be boring, and people aren’t going to want to be around you. Don’t do that!)
Love and hugs,
Auntie Siddie (who never purports to take her own advice, mind)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dear Auntie Siddie
I just don’t understand how the English work! What’s your best advice if any of us were traveling to England… I would love to know more!!! Us ‘mericans are naive – what makes us two worlds so different? Now…. GO!
Yankee-doodle-love, 
To Chris,
The best advice I can give you is to buy some voice coaching lessons and learn how to mask your ghastly  accent. We don’t take kindly to the pain in the ears which always seems to follow an encounter with an American. Leave your brightly patterned, highly-coloured clothes at home, too. And don’t (for the love) bring a ‘fanny pack’. Don’t ask if we know the Queen. Discover a way to get into your collective heads that 200 years and a botched tea-party does not constitute ‘History’, and learn to be less enthusiastic – the only phrase of approval you’ll ever need is “Yeah…it’s okay.”
And don’t. Ever. Hug. Us.
Ever.
I mean it.
Yours stand-offishly, 
Auntie Siddie
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 
Auntie Siddie, I really need some good advice:
How does one deal with never having been told by one’s mom and dad that they are proud of one? How could a person cope with feeling like she’s nobody’s daughter? Massive hugs friend, help me out and anyone else who’s feeling this way too.
Oh Marlene, my darling girl – how I feel for you.
I’m afraid there’s no glib answer I can give you, nor anything to fix this hurt. 
The reason this is so terribly painful is because we are designed to seek (and enjoy) approval and positive recognition from our parents. We are fundamentally programmed to respond to them in very deep places of the heart, which can be touched by no-one else; and when those who are meant to care for us and give us that acknowledgement, don’t, it is simply awful, because there is no way to make it happen.
If your parents (for whatever reason) choose not to accept you as a wonderful, incredible daughter, and if they choose to be vicious and unkind to you instead of showing their pride, I’m afraid there is little that can be done. Perhaps you will never please them or enjoy the endorsement you so desperately want from them, but know that this is their failing, not yours.
And the reason it matters is because it is meant to be so, so different.
I’m enormously sorry it’s not.
Much love to you
Auntie Siddie
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dear Aunty Siddie
I have this blogging friend that is a complete and utter pain in my hind end. She annoys me to tears, then tosses a tizzy fit when I do it back to her.
Do I boot this pain in my arse to the curb? Or do I over look her irksome behaviour and look for the greater good I know is in there somewhere…buried deep, behind the expired food, unpaid bills, and the unwanted gifts that couldn’t be returned?
Sincerely,
Pen in Pain
Now then, Pen in Pain
Your friend sounds like a jerk, to hear you describe her! Why do you want her back in your life? It sounds as though she winds you up until you do something retaliatory, then surprise, surprise – she’s upset and acts out. Either the two of you are going to have to find some maturity within you to heal the breach, or cut bait and get on with both your lives.
The question you have to ask yourself – is she worth it?
Yours wonderingly,
Auntie Siddie
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dear Auntie Siddie
I’d like to know how to grow blog readership without spending all day on social media!
Dashing off now,

Piper, I’ll just call out my answer after your retreating back, shall I?
Either you’re going to have to slow down and take care to nurture your visitors and generate return traffic, or else you’ll have to think up some sparklingly brilliant lines and vignettes to scatter (quickly) around your social media platforms and hope that they go viral.
Or you could just get a media shower…
Hope to see you again soon,
Auntie Siddie

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