It’s been a week of more emotional roller-coasters than even Disneyland would dare to shake a stick at.
Come the end of the week, I’m frankly astonished that I’m not sat in a corner rocking and drooling down my front whilst a kindly nurse administers the next set of tranqs, because I’ve been variously:
- Nearly shut-down from grief and impending awfulness and barely scraping through the day
- Put back together with love, care and sticky-tape friends
- Stumbling blindly on shifting sands, swearing and frantic as everything changed around me
- Rescued from severe drowning by some of my darlingest Lifeboat friends
- Feeling like I want the world to stop so I can get off
- Secure, comfortable, content and absolutely happy with rightwhereIwas
- Determined, bruised and ready to continue; heaving myself up off the canvas for another round
- Zingy and brain-whizzy and inspired to CREATE, and revelling in the beauty of inspiration
- Lifted and soaring the soundwaves with the discovery of new music, and finding my soul keeping time
- Aching with some kind of patriotic compassion I didn’t know I had, as more of my country got washed into the sea, and the battered coasts and flooded counties have taken beating after beating at the hands of these winter rainstorms, and the numbers of frantic dispossessed have kept increasing
- Free as a bird, running down the road, comparing asthmatic coughs with a beautiful six-year-old with a grubby face and a smile that was all for me, yelling gleefully amongst dour evening shoppers about what super-powers I want (teleportation, FYI) and being amazed at his KNOWLEDGE and the inner workings of his marvellous little mind
- Scared beyond belief at making myself vulnerable (and actually shaking just prior to engaging with the comebacks)
- Absolutely on FIRE with happiness and joy and love that the vulnerability paid off
- Betrayed and shaking with anger and knee-jerking a reaction, then pouring out my hurt and confusion
- Finding solace in the calm words of others and trying to not make matters worse
- Discovering that the man I love knows me better than I thought he did, and the very deep, still-water of the soul is right there, in him.
- Doing nothing in particular, but holding hands with Husby and knowing that I am in absolutely the right place
This has been an entirely unsuitable week for an English lass, because everyone knows that we’re emotionally shut down (on purpose, as a nation – I can only assume that historically it helped us build an Empire and cause so many muck-ups with apparent lack of remorse…(?)) and just…do NOT cope with this kind of thing. It gets bottled, squashed down and rationalised into a tiny box which can be hidden on a shelf marked “Danger! Do not open”.
But I tellya what – in spite of all the ups and downs and barely knowing where I stood from one moment to the next, and being caught in the midst of an absolute maelstrom of Feels (ohhhhh there were so many of them!) – I have bloody well LIVED.
And I took notes, thankyouvery much, and I’ve come through the week a lot more broken, a lot more stuck-together and wobbly, with grazed knees from falling to them so many times, a heart which is black and blue yet still thrumming with adoration and love, and a face which is tear-streaked whilst shining the BIGGEST smile, and the knowledge that somehow, this is triumph.
Because it’s messy and beautiful and wonderful and awful and amazing and destroying and alluring and stabbing and tingly and brutal and wrapped up in everything, in the midst of all the feels and the fall-out and the stumbling, this is life. It’s On Purpose, and part of the point is that at any time, with any of these, I have the most wonderful people around me, and all I need do is reach out to them, and they’ll be there
I feel like the luckiest girl alive.
And so YES! I am very definitely Ten Things of ThankFULL today.
1. Friends – wherever they are, whether I get to hug them and hold them close and look into their eyes and know the way they take their tea or what they sound like when they sing, or whether I don’t, doesn’t matter – the connection is the thing, and the force is as strong as Atlas.
2. Family – for better, for worse, always evolving and teaching and in many ways completely wonderful, they are my framework and the root of my being, and I can only ever be grateful and able to grow from that. They have shaped me.
3. Husby – who went to GREAT LENGTHS (not really – it was the opposite of serendipity, whatever that is) to have his tooth pulled late in the day on the 14th, just so he had a get-out clause for Valentine’s day…*sigh*
4. Husby – who knows exactly and precisely what makes my heart beat faster and what makes me fall absolutely totally head-over-heels madly in love with him for understanding me so well, and getting me the MOST AMAZING VALENTINE’S DAY GIFT EVER IN THE WORLD (and a silly card).
5. Ferrofluid – like, is the man AMAZING or what? Talk about your non-traditional but absofeckinlutely PERFECT, amazing, mathematical, scientific, stuff-which-makes-the-world-work substance! OW!
6. Timing – that moment when you think “Hey, I’ll just pop into Mum’s” and she’s just put a batch of fairy cakes into the oven to bake. Little beats cake fresh from the oven, except…
7. Niece and Neff – and their tiny, snuggly bodies and their palpable excitement at seeing me, making me feel like an absolute rockstar. Having gorgeous, meaningful chats with them, encouraging and listening to them and just feeling the mutual enjoyment as we pour out our worlds and our love for each other and all become content and floppy and glowy and tumbled in a pile of snuggles on the sofa.
8. The Party Car – I got to take Neff out for an hour as a completely spontaneous thing, and we ran and coughed and wheezed and matched strides and held hands and laughed in the absolutely companionable way a small boy and a not-so-small girl can when they’re utterly at ease in one another’s company. We skidded around the shops (he likes me to pull him, sliding his feet along the shiny floors of the supermarket aisles so he can “do skating”), we sang, we told fantastical stories, and on the way home, I put on the ‘man music’ and turned the volume WAY up past the socially acceptable so we could have a party car. We found an AWESOME track, and he begged me to drive around a bit more so we could finish listening to the song, and I remembered how painful it was to leave WonderAunty, and how I’d do anything I could to prolong the time I spent with her as a kid, and so we drove more, singing at the tops of our lungs and totally rocking out.
9. Kisses – Niece has this very sweet, particular thing at the moment. It’s a wonderful greeting, and definitely a stalling tactic for when she doesn’t want me to leave, but it’s adorable, and I love it. She’ll come running and leap onto me, then fling her tiny little arms tight around my neck and just *press* her face against mine, as hard as she can, whether cheek to cheek, or (her favourite) forehead to forehead, nose tips touching, so that we gaze deeply into one another’s eyes from about an inch away, locked by her strength, and then still staring, with a twinkle in her eyes, she’ll start *MWAH*ing away until we both fall about in fits of giggles, cos I have to do it back, and it’s hilarious. Meanwhile, whoever else is there, waiting their turn to greet me (or wave me off and get on with their life) has to stand on the sidelines as my whole world shrinks to the size of this beautiful girl and her love.
10. Music – and again, I have to thank Mandi, because without the spark of conversation with her, I would never have tried to find an example of the music I meant when I tried to describe how it gets into my soul and makes me want to swell up and explode into fireworks and dancing and lose myself utterly in the rhythm, and the burning desire to be able to PLAY this kind of thing makes my fingers tingle…and so it was that I discovered Luca Sestak, and my musical world, for now, is entirely sated.
Oh my GOSH! I am so happy – can you FEEL IT?
What’s been making your week awesome? Or saving it from the pits? Link ’em up, Lovelies.