I *heart* you (but not out loud)

Six Sentence Stories
There is no time left tonight, for the hour is ridiculously late and I’m totally *wiltingly* past it – yet with 6SS I might just be able to salvage something of the…no, it’s not wreckage because there was creation rather than destruction (and it sure as hell isn’t waste because ohhhh that time was SO well spent)…time spent elsewhere than blogging, and create something out of it to share here, anyway.

Alas, for Finish The Sentence Friday and 7 Quick Takes, I’m going to be a no-show, because I cannot begin to think about how to address them properly – my mind is consumed by this instead, and so they fall by the wayside, leaving me no small amount relieved that for once on a Friday I haven’t tracts to write, but snippets; for those snippets are lovely.

I received a Valentine’s card from a good friend over Google+ yesterday, and it was completely lovely but got me to thinking (again) about the Truth in online friendships and how wonderful they can be, though…do they become diminished when everyone’s grouped together, or is the meaning just shared and multiplied and made more awesome for being part of such a lovely collective? Who knows?

But it inspired me sufficiently to spend the evening thinking, agonising over how I was going to express those things – those Feels I find so easy to write as long as they’re not from me, don’t originate with me and I have nothing to do with their ownership – because admitting to Feels is vulnerability and putting yourself out on a ledge, plain as day, not knowing whether you’re going to be welcomed with open arms or pelted with whatever blunt, heavy object comes to hand (or worse, backed slowly away from and gradually cut out of the lives of whomsoever you shared with)…suffice it to say that combined with my natural English distaste for anything more than subtext and inference, this was no easy task.

Anyway, I did it, and tapped into one of my old themes – the hardwired heart (which I totally love (and you see how easy it is to be excited and *feel-y* and say that terrifying ‘L’ word as long as it has a little ‘l’ and is about a Thing rather than a Whom)) – and got going: earlier I posted one of those fancy graphic memes to the Considerings Facebook Page, and on it – the last thing – was a HUGE CHALLENGE, so I kept it, I took it to heart, and I decided that I’d go for it – I’d be vulnerable and take the time to actually do some TELLING…and so you see that all I can do to end this is suggest you come back for Ten Things of Thankful this weekend, to find out whether I get stunned by a maybe-perhaps-possible*ohsuchahappythought* return, or whether I’m searching in nooks and crannies for thankfuls, sporting a bruised heart and a few less friends.

Ten Things of Thankful

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41 thoughts on “I *heart* you (but not out loud)

  1. If you're going to go yell at the snow, make sure you swear a lot. It's no longer snowing here and the sun is out. See?

    Addictions are never healthy. Everything in moderation.

    Says me.

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  2. So far so sunshiney bright. Damn FLOODS around the place though. Maybe I should go and yell at them. LOVE that you yelled at the snow πŸ˜€

    No I guess. I'm not well-versed. The only thing I'm addicted to is people, and I could never give them up ever ever ever ever. But they're (mostly) healthy addictions, yaknow? So it's cool.

    Good for you for taking charge of it.

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  3. Sounds like you had a lovely day πŸ™‚

    It never stops fucking snowing here. I yelled at it this morning.

    It is never as simple as “give them up” when it comes to addiction, m'dear. I replaced the nasty cigarettes with this, and will slowly wean myself down off the nicotine, a bit at a time, until one day there will be none.

    Until such a time, as I tell The Gamer, “Fuck off and leave me be.” πŸ™‚

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  4. Sounds good. I had a lovely panini at a nice cafe with mum, and then victoria apple sponge with three layers and PINK CREAM. Then she bought me a cherry tree for my garden, and it rained on our heads but now the sun is shining and my heart is happy.

    'Snowed again' is crap. And if the e-cigs just give you nicotine but no sexy smoker voice, give them up. I can think of no other reason to smoke, cos they don't even look that cool.

    Best of luck on your gambles πŸ˜€

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  5. Haha, I got my “I'm almost out of e-cig and it snowed again” face on. Give me a few hours, some more nicotine, and a couple hours at the Casino I'll be fine. I hear tale there's another hamburger in my future for lunch. πŸ˜€

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  6. I complicate and over-think things HUGELY. All the damn time. It's exhausting and yet so hard to unhook from! I think we all need this tattooed on ourselves somewhere – that old adage – remember to KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid!)

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  7. Hey, pleased to meet you, and thanks for coming on over. I'm trying to figure out the celebrate the small things connection, I think my brain stopped working. Will you come on back and link me to you? If we have things in common, awesome πŸ˜€

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  8. Wow that's an amazing compliment, Jhanis, thank you. I'm glad it makes you think – that pleases me hugely. It is a good way to find the truth, and the truth on this occasion was wonderful. And I'm no good at selective amnesia – I brood and keep going back to the pain.

    But yes – enjoying the majority of my day, thank you. I hope you are, too πŸ™‚

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  9. *snorks with laughter* I get to judge this, right?

    I'm glad you enjoyed the things you took from the post – I didn't mean it to be overly cryptic, but there's only so vulnerable I'm prepared to be in public. And hey, you know ALL about unconditional love – you have Phoenix. The mirror is absolutely the LAST place I would look for it.

    Happy Valentine's to you and Phoenix, and I hope you have a gorgeous happy day together snarking at each other πŸ˜€

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  10. I just stumbled upon it when looking for Lizzi's and going in for the reread! It was fab … really , really good! I cant wait to see you both on that stage! ( I know all the rumors but still… I cant wait!)

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  11. Zoe, I read this early this morning and was glowing all day! Thank you, thank you! Not only for taking the time to read it, but for taking the time to tell me and say such nice things about the post. I'd forgotten I even entered that! I think I told a total of 2 people about it. πŸ™‚

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  12. I get drunk each time I drop by your blog Lizzi and I always leave deep in my thoughts. It is scary to show vulnerability out there but I think it's a great way to find the truth. If it hurts, I shall rely on forced selective amnesia. πŸ™‚ I hope you are enjoying your day!

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  13. I think Beth and Kristi should mud wrestle for the Lizzi Love Trophy! Just sayin'. Yes, I'm sober πŸ™‚

    Lizzi, I read your post twice…a lot of mystery to me yet you seem like a face value lady in my getting to know you. And I like the latter. Love – saying it, feeling it, accepting it…huge stuff. I think the key lies always in how unconditional is it? For me, I must constantly look in the mirror for that answer. I enjoy reading your missives more and more and thank you for the thought-provoking within! Happy V-Day to you and your honey πŸ™‚

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  14. Aw, you sentimental, love ball, you. I knew you were just a cuddly, little thing on the inside. Honestly, it was only a matter of time before everyone else realized it. πŸ˜‰ Mathair and I will be back to check out your TToT, even though you scared us off with your outpour of emotion. LOL. Mathair's side of the family has a lot of love and loyalty, but aren't too quick on verbal confirmations. (Guess the Irish aren't too fond of expressing sentiments, especially when they lean towards the ooey gooey lovey variety.) Great post, Lizzi and… we hope you have a Happy Valentine's Day…. and… okay… okay… we… kinda… oh, to hell with it, luv right back atcha.

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  15. You're absolutely right. I shall be taking that advice! Thanks Claudia πŸ™‚ And I hope you have a happy Valentine's day, even though it's been given over to commercialism πŸ™‚

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  16. Ohhhh man I'm so glad you understand what a tough thing it is to go counter-cultural in this way. We get brought up in such a constricted emotional landscape somehow! Owww! But yeah, I'm glad I did it too πŸ™‚

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  17. If you open your heart to someone and let them know you love them, then shame on them if tHappy Valentine's Day (although I HATE these proscribed holidays) πŸ™‚

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  18. “as long as they're not from me, don't originate with me and I have nothing to do with their ownership ” ha ha – I can so relate to this, and grew up in England. The land of 'thou shalt not speak of one's feelings unless one absolutely must do'!' Glad that you did it!

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  19. Awwwwh that made me smile huge. I get to flock with you πŸ™‚ AWESOME. And glad you get this. But yeah – I'm good at showing – saying is FAR too scary. I'd always rather leave it to inference and deduction. Buuuut I guess there's a time and a place for acknowledgement, and well – why not?

    I definitely know that when I'm struggling and need someone, there are LOTS of people righttherereadyandwaitingtohelp, and that's amazing – TOTALLY incredible. And wonderful, And truly a happy thought.

    I shall continue where possible. Hope your V-day's been a good one ❀ ❀

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  20. I stand by my theory that the L-word is overrated. It's easy enough to say. It's the showing of that leaves the mark. You do that. You show up, you interact, you cheer on, you encourage, you provoke….that is how you SHOW the love. Every weekend you show the love. When someone reaches out, you reach back. When you need something, you reach out. You may not see it but we all do. Folks don't normally come a-runnin' without some love involved. Compassion at the very least but that's just another form of love. I get where you are, believe me. Like Chris is your opposites attract, I am your birds of a feather. Carry on with the lovefest and Happy V-Day! XXXXXXXXXX

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  21. I hadn't thought of it that way, perhaps you're completely right. That makes a huge amount of sense. Regardless, I'm learning lots from you about how to say these things out loud (even when I don't *actually* say them out loud but hide them somehow)

    Glad you liked, and yeahhhhh doesn't look like the snow's letting up any time soon – we'll keep it going for now *starts shaping snowballs, grinning mischievously*

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  22. *twinkles* Yeah I know what you mean.

    And how very noble of you to take a back-seat and let the others keep this πŸ˜‰

    If your actions speak louder than words then…*squeeeeeeeeeeeee* because yaknow, it worked and WOW! πŸ˜€ And also *EPIC levels of happiness*

    So there's that success πŸ˜€ ❀

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  23. I have a way with words, but I think it's subjective because there are people who somehow in their words manage to completely floor me. And sometimes by what they do (or say they'll do…I seem to recall that I got an offer of hearing you play…that was pretty much a *floored* moment). And you have a way. So there's that.

    Happy Valentine's day, my friend. And I still have NO graphics to do this, so sending you *fancy-schmancy spangly-shiny-sparkly-heart-shapes*

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  24. Risk…this risk…scares me to complete jelly. I've never been more anxious about reading email in the morning…ACK! Buuuuuut Josie was right and you were right and it was totally worth it. And thank you SO MANY MILLIONS for your email and wow! Still stunned by that, and *glowing* πŸ™‚

    Glad to remove any part of that sting I can. Always ❀

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  25. *grins* Oh but you do tie yourself up in knots! I do that. You have NO idea how much! And lemme tellya, writing this post was way WAY easier than other things I wrote last night, so there's that, and really this is just a nod. But yes, it could just as easily have out-loud had your name in the title.

    And the cryptic should become clear to you, so there's that *rolls eyes* And whichever size of L(l) it is, it's the Peeps not the Things which make it scary, and why I don't say it. Except when I do. Cos I do (l-word you). And thereIsaiditmovingon…

    And yeah, weird holiday – probably to do with it being so consumer-driven now, and whatevs. I don't mind bunking into it for something Real and better than all the fake tat you can buy in the shops at the moment.

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  26. I risk much because I care much. And dividends happened in BUCKETLOADS and it was all totally worth it πŸ˜€

    Yes, it's complex and complicated and confusing and a ton of other words (probably starting with 'C') but it works. Somehow. And it matters and is real and wonderful.

    And I reach – still and time and again – in spite of everything and the things you said there…and although I still don't say that word, I do MEAN it an awful lot, when I say other things. But the magic's there, forsure.

    Thanks always for your insight and wisdom and support πŸ™‚ *HUGS*

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  27. *inscrutable* Mayyyybe…. πŸ˜‰

    YAY to you coming back to TToT – can't wait to read your list full of crazy-wonderfuls. Sounds awesome πŸ˜€

    And for the record – you too. Happy Valentine's Day – hope yours is full of *sparklywonderfulgorgeousness* πŸ™‚ ❀

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  28. Beth is taking the gold with all of her first comments this week. I say that as USA takes another gold. Anyway, all I can say is when people say “you have a way with words,” I think they mean “Lizzi has a way with words, and the rest of us type good.” Happy valentine's day, friend. I πŸ’›πŸ’™πŸ’œπŸ’šβ€οΈ You!!!!

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  29. Lizzi, Josie is so oooooooo right about everything she says there… about you and the risk taking, about love and the risk taking, about repeat offending in the interest of risk taking….You need to know that I love you very much out loud as that is how I role… OUT LOUD!… all jokes aside… Thank you so much …its been a tough time of late and you help remove the sting… xo Z (check your email cuz as Beth says “I L word the shit out of you” too!)

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  30. I think that Beth may have it all wrong and that this is, instead, your way of telling me that you love me (small 'l') more than you do her which is totally understandable. KIDDING> well, mostly. Sortof. Ok fine. Beth is way cooler than I am. I admit it fine!!! UGH.

    With that said, this is, once again, an amazing post although cryptic in nature, which I also get because of COURSE it needs to be, Clark. Of course it does. And I love you (small L) too. Big L for the Things. Small L for the peeps. Right? Um? Something along those lines I think maybe perhaps?
    xo
    And Happy VD, sweets. What a weird holiday. One that filled me with angst in earlier years and one that now, I feel has little meaning. I guess that's the way of things such as this, eh?

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  31. hey Beth …. just read your entry for Voice of the Year… or whatever the hell its called! eep! WOW! I want to comment but don't have the brain power yet… but let me just say here and now… WOW! awesome!

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  32. This post, along with the one you wrote on Monday, really spoke to me, Lizzi, opening yourself up and putting your heart out there in relationships, be they online or in our everyday lives, is so risky, and so complicated. You think your on the same page and suddenly you find out you've got it all wrong, or it went wrong or it just faded out of sight. Takes your breath away. But I can testify that no matter how many times it happens, you'll swear off the l-word, and then before you know it you'll be out there reaching out to someone again, because that's the nature of being human, we are here to interact and make the journey together… and sometimes magic happens, and you find love more real and amazing than you ever believed possible. In the final analysis, as far as I'm concerned at least, it is ALWAYS worth the risk!

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  33. Is this your way of telling me you love me? Cuz you could've just made a post titled, “I LOVE YOU BETH!”
    *snort*
    I will be back to TToT this weekend and I'm SO excited! I have a ridiculous amount of crazy-wonderfuls that happened to me in the past week so I'm ready to burst with a post-o-gratitude.
    -and for the record, I do L-word the shit outa you. For reals. Happy Valentine's Day. *HUGS*

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