7 Quick Takes #62 x FTSF

— 1 —

One week to go.

And suddenly even though it’s all already over, I’m not over this.

— 2 —
Finish the Sentence Friday

My best dream ever was…already written up, and shared at Marcia’s, where it was *ahem* rather well-received. Sorry, FTSF – y’all missed out on that one.

And I’m not vlogging, because although there’s an Awesome Bloggers VidChat (hosted by the Wakefield Doctrine) tonight (7pm EST), I’m not prepared to commit myself to video forever, behaving like a jerk because I can’t think of anything to say which will even come *close* to my writer-self.

But here’s something I want to tell you: I am a jerk.

And I’m in the market for a new blog header – “Deep Thinking, Truth Telling and Actively Seeking Good (except when it’s Shallow, Silly, Destructive or Outright Lies)”, because I think I’ve set myself up to fail with what I currently have there. I’ve somehow tagged myself to be some kind of ‘better’ and I’m really not. Admittedly my writing can get a little bit helluva lot highbrow and thinky. And I’m a damn good friend (on the whole) but that’s really all I can attest to.

I am a mess. I am a human being. I get things wrong a whole lot of the time, if not most of it. I am just like everyone else. Except here; I am edited, and I come across well (or at least better than I come across in real life), so I think it’s been rather easy to develop some pretty laurels to hide behind. I’ve been called all sorts of things by all sorts of people, and most of them very complimentary. 

Very few people have pulled me up short and told me I’ve been an asshole, and when they have, it’s floored me because I’ve been busy buying into my own hype (see? jerk…). I forget that the people who read what I have to say and don’t like it, or don’t care for it…just leave. They click that big red X and make absolutely no impression on me whatsoever. Whereas the compliments – the feeding – the wonderful people who take the time to leave positive feedback – those are the voices I listen to most. 

Not that I believe everything they have to say, mind, and not that I can fully accept most many some of the compliments because they’re made too far beyond my comfort zone to internalise (though it’s nice to see them said). The fact remains that they’re probably one of my main inputs lately, and it’s begun to skew my perception. Perhaps. So I need to keep my head out of the clouds, and my feet on the ground.

— 3 —

I’m feeling off-kilter lately. It’s not the Dark Place (don’t worry – I don’t think I need a Lifeboat…yet) but it is a place of confusion and anxiety and upset. It has mostly to do with our appointment next Thursday, in which (I am pretty sure) we’ll get the confirmation of the change of meds for Husby and the Actual, In Fact, No-Longer-Avoidable ‘GAME OVER’ sign.

Because even though it only takes one. And even though no doctor on the planet will definitively tell us we will never conceive naturally once the new meds take hold (“never say never” *clings and hates self for clinging*), the chances are so infinitesimally small I have more chance of winning the lottery sixteen times without ever buying a ticket, than of carrying a baby conceived without medical intervention.

And also life. In its foibles and quirks and “what? another thing to come and cause complications for you? you do seem to get more than your fair share…”, I am finding increasingly that there are places and people I’m beginning to find a bit toxic and may need to change. Which is hard, and I don’t want to but may find my hand forced. And I resent that. (I have a Lifeboat on this already)

So what I really want, RightThisSecondNow is to be five years old again, back in before and be tucked into bed in a state of innocence and naivety and have someone sing me the Umbrella song, very softly, and stroke my hand until my eyes start to droop and the world and all its messiness just goes far away. And stays away for a bit.

— 4 —

Life is On Purpose *headdesk*
Life is Brutiful *headdesk*
Life is Messy *headdesk*
I have my health…I have my health…I have my health…

— 5 —
You stop, demand speech and explanation
And I am struck dumb
Touting the same old crap
Grimacing as it pours on deaf ears
Not what you wanted to hear
And not what I meant.
Somehow the power of writing is key;
Unlocks the deeper Feels of me
But lips and teeth and tongue are clumsy
Causing ill-conveyance and miscommunication
Which you all-too-wilfully misunderstand.
Oh, to be able to write to you
To scribe in tracts the things I want to say
To explain in depth and clarity All The Things
But you pin me there, in conversation
Trapped.
Mute.
Dumbed.
Til all I can say is “I need to leave soon”
And see your anger rise.
You are better than I at this
You walk away; you think; return
While I am still stuck in non-converse
 Brain whizzing and incapable of speech
You apologise and tell me you love me
And I respond with grudging
Still tongue-tied
Somehow we I need to learn to talk.
— 6 —

Six Sentence Stories
“It’s not a diet, as such – it’s a lifestyle – so simple and easy to integrate”
“Just eat normally (but healthily) for five days, and on two days, fast until you can’t stand it any more, then just eat fruit or vegetables followed by a normal evening meal.”
“It saves money, too, and it reduces hassle of bothering to make a lunch or breakfast on the fast days.”
“And you can just think to yourself ‘the hunger is reminding me that I’m in control: I’m winning and I only have to wait until tonight – it’s only one day, after all’ and that makes it much easier.”
“Don’t get too thin – I can see your collarbones…”
“Thank you – you’re so sweet to say – that just means it’s working.”

— 7 —
Join us on the Ten Things of Thankful hop, where I hear there’s going to be the return of a former participant, a new club, and all sorts of shenanigans.

We’re live and wonderful ALL weekend – plenty of time to work on your list of Ten Things which made your life Good this week.

Ten Things of Thankful

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!
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49 thoughts on “7 Quick Takes #62 x FTSF

  1. This led to the most absolutely WONDERFULLY profound line from Christine in response, about 'the humbling, silent comment of those who think we're idiots'

    OWWW!

    I'm glad you enjoyed the ride. I *do* have fun with these FTSF things – they always lead to something different!

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  2. I love the ride you take me on every Friday. Love how mood and style change in every segment. I never know what I'll walk away with, today it was an insight: “I forget that the people who read what I have to say and don't like it, or don't care for it…just leave. They click that big red X and make absolutely no impression on me whatsoever. Whereas the compliments – the feeding – the wonderful people who take the time to leave positive feedback – those are the voices I listen to most. ” So true. An eye opener for me.

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  3. “at”, as long as it's not mean 🙂

    Brutal honesty is good in small doses. I vaguely try not to pull punches. I think it depends on the subject. But I like that people in this Blogosphere care enough to pull me up on things when they perceive I've done something stupid. That matters to me, even if in the end it might be a clouded, subjective opinion, it's often not, and ALWAYS worth taking on board in some manner, and engaging with.

    I will do what I want. Thank you 🙂 You too x

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  4. Thanks Lisa. I/my writing aren't always, but thank you for the vote of confidence 🙂

    Kristi's words are nearly always worth listening to – when she writes meaningful, it behoves others to pay heed.

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  5. Thanks Ryan. I think usually when people tell me I'm being a jerk, I'm doing something wrong. The people who find me or my words offensive (on the whole) don't tend to interact. Which means that when someone does, to call me out on something, it usually means I've upset a friend somehow. Which matters to me.

    Affecting people through blogging, on the other hand, is a MARVELLOUS thing, and one I thoroughly enjoy doing 🙂

    Thanks for your comment.

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  6. He he. Am I allowed to laugh at this post? I'm starting to be a bigger fan of brutal honesty more than I am of blogging. I like who you are. You are a real person who doesn't pull punches. Sometimes someone might tell you what they think, and you're right, that's rare. It's more common for them to walk away. And it's not always nice to have someone say “you know you don't know everything”. (because we know I do, wait, this is about you. You do) but take a deep breath and on you go.
    Do what you must. Do what you want. But don't worry about it too much.

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  7. Rad = Hip, cool, amazeballs and awesomesauce. New and dangerous, okay.

    Never to quashed. I'll quash anyone who wants to quash you. I assume this means squish, squash, eradicate.

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  8. Thank you huge for the energy. And the comment. And the honesty. There is a fine line between feeding our ego in a valid way and becoming rather a stuck-up prig, and I think I cross the line. Or act like it. I struggle with input, even though I love it.

    I have no strong views about commenting. If I like what I read, I'll show appreciation with a comment (and not one of those “this was a great post” ones, either). If I read and don't like it or am ambivalent, I leave. I try my best not to get into fights about what people have written (sometimes I fail). I try my best not to leave asshole comments (sometimes I fail).

    I'm glad you appreciated the thinkiness of it 🙂

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  9. You called me on it. Yupsirree you did.

    Thank you for your ramble and your understanding and your friendship and support and all the wonderful YOU-ness that you put into your comments.

    I do love my flitting, and I'm glad that counts. For something 🙂 If only I was as good at it in real life (is this real life? It is real life, right? It's real something) Maybe I mean 'in person' as 'remotely'.

    Thank you for the gift. It's beautiful.

    I'm glad you also didn't vlog 🙂 Are you around later for VidChat? That would be *AWESOME*

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  10. Sending you lots of good energy… 🙂 I often struggle with the awkward dance between narcissism (she loves me! This post was her favorite! I inspire people!” and self-consciousness (This is totally unoriginal. Oops, I offended someone- again.) and I think we have to do our best to blog with integrity and stay true to ourselves. The comments part of this post was very thought-provoking- I have a lot of strong feelings on when to comment and when to click the x. 🙂 Thanks for a thought-provoking post, and again, best of luck/energy/whatever to you!

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  11. I'm always behind on my blog reading so if there's not a comment from me, I haven't gotten there yet. I have never, ever read anything that you have written that does not deserve the highest of compliments (except that one time you were beating yourself up and I'm fairly sure I called you on it). If I ever feel the need to criticize, I will. Gently. Because you are my friend.
    Look around you, people love you. I love you. You are always flitting around encouraging, cheering, ranting, whatever it takes to be an active part of the community that you have had a HUGE part in creating.
    I know you're not perfect. Let me tell you a secret…shhh! I'm not either. Thank God! This blogging thing is a slippery slope.
    That said, here…http://youtu.be/r5yaoMjaAmE A gift.
    I didn't vlog today either. 1) No time to pull it together 2) Never done one….not sure how. Oh, well…someday.
    So, no idea if any of this made sense. I wanted to get to this before I left for the evening and I have but it may sound like a rambling mad woman…..

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  12. It's a good leveller. And I don't do it from a point of meanness. I don't think people (most people who come here) say nice things to blow smoke up my ass or to just flatter me, but it quite naturally follows that the people who engage with a blog are the ones who like the blogger and want to pay them compliments (on the whole). And so I end up feeling like I've been…whatever the opposite of tarnished with a bad brush is…gilded with false goodness? Not sure.

    This evens the field a bit. I *know* I'm carefully edited here, but I hate *feeling* like it (there's a distinction). I'd recommend it. Though, your blog is certainly going well with the Utterly Bafflingly Sensational WTactualF's at the moment, so don't curtail a good thing unless you truly want to. But yes – nice to know the other side has also been given an airing.

    Thanks. I appreciate it, and that you took the time to say 🙂

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  13. Not for yours cos yours is awesome and Done in One. I couldn't think of anything I could've done in one shot. (you can record in youtube? what devilry is this?)

    It's another 'one of those things'. I'm not being an asshole yet, but I may have to. But it might be for the best. Adunno. I give up. For today.

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  14. Edit the vlog? CRAP we were supposed to do that? I just clicked “Record” in You Tube. No editing.
    Sigh to having to be an asshole. Sorry you are dealing with that.

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  15. Ahhh Ruchira it would be so awesome if you joined us one week soon 🙂

    I dunno about my laugh – I'll have to ask the people who've heard it whether or not it's infectious.

    I've been told I have a good smile though, which is lovely to hear.

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  16. Sorry. I had NOTHING in my brain for this. And I have no way of editing a video, so it would've been there in all its glory and muck-ups and…ack. I just wasn't in a very vloggy place. BUT, my vloggy friend is coming over tomorrow, so I'll be in HIS vlog, at least.

    No I get it. Nothing will change. The situation will be the same but it feels like the final nail in the lid. Ack. Glad you still have faith…I have…somethingnotsurewhat.

    I'm trying to, but to do so I'll need to appear to be an asshole. Because I can't remove them without inciting comment from others, and I don't want to expose what the problem (why I'm removing them) is, because that's unfair, so I need to be seen as a total douche and do it for 'other reasons', which don't exist.

    Bleah. No. don't think so. Not yet.

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  17. I'll have to look that one up. I at least know I *am* a failure, and I've written that one, and it went well. I'm the 'wearing her mess on her sleeve' girl, which I think works, and yet I still get told I'm wise. That said, it's often in unsolicited opinions and my wisdom is often recycled from those who are *actually* wise.

    Thanks for your encouragement Jen 🙂

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  18. Ohhh but I so LOVED vidchatting with you Dana – it was so so nice to e-meet you in person, and it made me very happy to see your face and hear your voice and just…shoot the breeze and spend time chatting.

    I've written some whatevers this week. Sometimes my writing takes guts. Sometimes it's just empty words. Gradually I'm improving. Perhaps, but whether at writing or being a human being, who's to know (yet).

    I think you know lots of very immensely strong people. Many of them are in the Blogosphere. I know you've met at least two of them in person. And that you count me among them is a huge honour. Thank you.

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  19. You're doing so good at the stars. I'm proud of you for tackling a new way of writing and learning to make it work for ya.

    *kind of tongue-tied and twinklysparkly about the rest*

    Thank you

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  20. I have beautiful words in writing and dumb ones in person. But they are very British (unless I allow myself to slide slightly into a more 'merican way of pronouncing things, just not to stand out sooooo much)

    Also I'd like to point out that this is probably the most outrageously blatantly flattering comment I have ever EVER received. It's hilarious. Love it.

    Come to the video chat – I'm British and I talk there. I just don't commit it to video.

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  21. There's a lot to be said for that. BUT, when I write something and people I consider to be true friends are upset about it for a reason which goes beyond the writing, I listen.

    On the whole though, if I have nothing helpful to add to a conversation at someone else's blog, I leave quietly. I'm not one for causing a fight about someone else's writing.

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  22. I had an EPIC comment (elsewhere, from someone very wise) which said about “the humbling, silent comments of those who thought we were idiots” and now I might be a little in love with that line, and really hugely struck by the thought. I look back and cringe sometimes, but also look back and am occasionally happy with what I wrote.

    THANK YOU! Ohmigosh I'm so glad it's not just me. I really felt like I was the only one, and then I started speaking to other writers to ask if they found the same thing, and got a resounding “YEAH – duh!”

    I'm glad it was intriguing. I'm still trying to work out what I'm doing with the dieting. I don't have a goal except 'til I'm happy' and that…well,..will I ever be? We shall see.

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  23. NOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I don't want to even ENTERTAIN the thought that this wonderful thing might one day be over! No farewells. NONE!

    And yes – I've used (borrowed?) that technique. There's a certain helpfulness to the thought. Thanks for reminding me.

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  24. seeing you lively pix..gives me a sense that your laugh must be infectious 🙂
    good luck with your appt and i so love reading the thankful things over the weekend but still gotta find time to sit and write some myself.

    hugs!

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  25. I was hoping you'd vlog but only 'cause I was curious to see what you'd chose for a topic and whether you'd be able to keep it short or not (hahah). Ugh to the appointment but hearing what is or might be doesn't change the way it is. What I mean is that what is already is and whatever they say won't change that, you know? I mean, never mind, that's dumb. Sigh. I still have faith.
    Super glad you've got a lifeboat on with whoever it is who is sucking you dry – remove them. Number six worries me. You better not be getting all freaky with losing weight.

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  26. It's ok to have our rough spots and have to work them through….I don't vlog either, even though we chat on G+. And that appointment will work out. In my prayers!

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  27. This resonates with me. A lot. It's part of what drove my Feeling like a Failure post recently–that I look together, positive, and people come to me and count on me for support, advice, whatever … and I feel like maybe I'm just a hack who's been able to present myself well. Always love your honesty, Lizzi.

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  28. I agree with Mandi – you are an excellent friend. And I'm okay with you not vlogging because I've had the pleasure of video chatting with you and your adorable self. You've written some tough stuff this week and I think that takes guts. I know you don't think so, but you're one of the strongest people I know, Lizzi. You don't have to believe it, but I do.

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  29. I can only speak for myself mostly because I'm selfish and a giant narcissist…you have the gift of encouragement. The message that you sent me this week was the reason I posted anything, even if it was just a tease. It made my week that you reached out to me and basically said you *missed* me. Lizzi missed me. Wow. So in my opinion, which is the one that counts most to me, you're an excellent friend. I can only imagine what its like to really *know* you. And look, I think I'm even getting closer to understanding that whole *** thing. All because of you. I love your TToT lists. Yours is the first I read every week

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  30. I'm super bummed you didn't vlog. But your words are beautiful. (And you're pretty. And you're British (I wish I were british), and you're smart, and you're the best, and everyone loves you, and I love you, I want to be you.) *Jerk Ego Stroking*

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  31. I am one of those that will X out if either I don't like the post or really have nothing to say about it. I don't find it necessary to comment if I disagree or just didn't like it since what people write is their opinion or how they feel so who am I to crap on that? my 2 cents.

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  32. You brought up an interesting point here, one that's crossed my mind before too, it is so easy to begin to bask in the glow of positive comments that we sometimes forget that those many “no comment” visitors maybe weren't all as enthusiastic with our amazing weaving of words! Although I must admit, that sometimes when I reread what I have written I am amazed that anyone has anything good to say about it! :-/

    I could relate well to your poem about conversation, and how much more difficult that kind of communication is. I can be so clumsy with communicating my thoughts and feelings and often make a botch job of it. I know all the fancy words, but they come out jumbled and I often end up feeling like I totally failed at conveying my message. I think many of us love writing because we feel so much more comfortable in that mode.

    Your 6SS was intriguing, I know some who swear by fasting “diets”, not only for the sense of physical self-control, but for the mental exercise/endurance building as well. Choosing, buying, and preparing food involves so many choices, and a break from that can be good… as long as one does learn to see the changes in the mirror and not continue to the point of unhealthy thinness. I am not a risk of that any time in the foreseeable future! 😉

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  33. well, we could market tomorrow (tonight's) Vidchat as the Farewell Tour last vidchat…(some bands have spent more time on Farewell Tours than they did in normal tours)… but you have a voice (figuratively speaking) that is what people enjoy… 3 parts original and 2 parts mirror (I think I know what that means)… so you will become who you are (to be) in time, it's knowing of it (this change, the development for the better) ahead of it happening that is the uncomfortable part.

    (When I was younger than I am now, I used to use a grammatical trick on myself, when facing a pending gate (metaphor for event that will not leave you unchanged) I would remind myself that, “there is a point in time about 14 days from now when I will have had gone through this event and continued onwards”.

    Can't remember how much good it did, do still remember doing it…

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  34. I was happy to share I wasn't, because I didn't want to turn anyone off on posting tonight, if they didn't want to Vlog. I don't mind Vlogging, just very time consuming when I have done it and seriously didn't have that time this week at all. And Lily actually was a lot better today (thank you for asking). Seriously meant every word I said and just know I am so very, happy to have you as a friend and mean that front he bottom of my heart 🙂

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  35. It really helped to know that you're not vlogging either (and I hope Lily's feeling better). Thanks for being cool about the sneaky link-in for the other post.

    And thank you for your perspective. I will tell you this – it's a little narrow, but wonderful to hear, and I do appreciate it. I am happy to call you my friend, also 🙂 x

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  36. You know I am not Vlogging either and I don't blame you for linking up a post you already did on this topic, because there is never a need to do something twice. And I have to tell you in my eyes you are a damn good friend and for that I am truly thankful. So, for me I don't see anything, but a wonderful person, who is always there when in need. For that I thank you and just know I am totally happy to indeed call you a friend 🙂

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