One week to go.
My best dream ever was…already written up, and shared at Marcia’s, where it was *ahem* rather well-received. Sorry, FTSF – y’all missed out on that one.
And I’m not vlogging, because although there’s an Awesome Bloggers VidChat (hosted by the Wakefield Doctrine) tonight (7pm EST), I’m not prepared to commit myself to video forever, behaving like a jerk because I can’t think of anything to say which will even come *close* to my writer-self.
But here’s something I want to tell you: I am a jerk.
And I’m in the market for a new blog header – “Deep Thinking, Truth Telling and Actively Seeking Good (except when it’s Shallow, Silly, Destructive or Outright Lies)”, because I think I’ve set myself up to fail with what I currently have there. I’ve somehow tagged myself to be some kind of ‘better’ and I’m really not. Admittedly my writing can get a
little bit helluva lot highbrow and thinky. And I’m a damn good friend (on the whole) but that’s really all I can attest to.
I am a mess. I am a human being. I get things wrong a whole lot of the time, if not most of it. I am just like everyone else. Except here; I am edited, and I come across well (or at least better than I come across in real life), so I think it’s been rather easy to develop some pretty laurels to hide behind. I’ve been called all sorts of things by all sorts of people, and most of them very complimentary.
Very few people have pulled me up short and told me I’ve been an asshole, and when they have, it’s floored me because I’ve been busy buying into my own hype (see? jerk…). I forget that the people who read what I have to say and don’t like it, or don’t care for it…just leave. They click that big red X and make absolutely no impression on me whatsoever. Whereas the compliments – the feeding – the wonderful people who take the time to leave positive feedback – those are the voices I listen to most.
Not that I believe everything they have to say, mind, and not that I can fully accept
most many some of the compliments because they’re made too far beyond my comfort zone to internalise (though it’s nice to see them said). The fact remains that they’re probably one of my main inputs lately, and it’s begun to skew my perception. Perhaps. So I need to keep my head out of the clouds, and my feet on the ground.
I’m feeling off-kilter lately. It’s not the Dark Place (don’t worry – I don’t think I need a Lifeboat…yet) but it is a place of confusion and anxiety and upset. It has mostly to do with our appointment next Thursday, in which (I am pretty sure) we’ll get the confirmation of the change of meds for Husby and the Actual, In Fact, No-Longer-Avoidable ‘GAME OVER’ sign.
Because even though it only takes one. And even though no doctor on the planet will definitively tell us we will never conceive naturally once the new meds take hold (“never say never” *clings and hates self for clinging*), the chances are so infinitesimally small I have more chance of winning the lottery sixteen times without ever buying a ticket, than of carrying a baby conceived without medical intervention.
And also life. In its foibles and quirks and “what? another thing to come and cause complications for you? you do seem to get more than your fair share…”, I am finding increasingly that there are places and people I’m beginning to find a bit toxic and may need to change. Which is hard, and I don’t want to but may find my hand forced. And I resent that. (I have a Lifeboat on this already)
So what I really want, RightThisSecondNow is to be five years old again, back in before and be tucked into bed in a state of innocence and naivety and have someone sing me the Umbrella song, very softly, and stroke my hand until my eyes start to droop and the world and all its messiness just goes far away. And stays away for a bit.
And not what I meant.
“It’s not a diet, as such – it’s a lifestyle – so simple and easy to integrate”
“Just eat normally (but healthily) for five days, and on two days, fast until you can’t stand it any more, then just eat fruit or vegetables followed by a normal evening meal.”
“It saves money, too, and it reduces hassle of bothering to make a lunch or breakfast on the fast days.”
“And you can just think to yourself ‘the hunger is reminding me that I’m in control: I’m winning and I only have to wait until tonight – it’s only one day, after all’ and that makes it much easier.”
“Don’t get too thin – I can see your collarbones…”
“Thank you – you’re so sweet to say – that just means it’s working.”
We’re live and wonderful ALL weekend – plenty of time to work on your list of Ten Things which made your life Good this week.