Ten Things of Thankful #32

What a WEEK!

And to be perfectly honest, you have Kristi, Christine and Chris to thank for this post existing at all – after we received word from Husby’s endocrinologist that she thought we were unlikely to conceive naturally, she wouldn’t be giving him any more hormones until the ones which will render him permanently infertile and she reckoned that we probably never had a chance at natural conception anyway, my world plummeted into a very deep, dark black hole (again) and looked set to remain there – I decided that the TToT was NOT something I wanted to engage with or be part of or have anything to do with, and that it was a dumb, stupid idea designed to mollify with Small Things and dupe people into believing that their Big Huge Awfuls were, in fact manageable.

Enter my Lifeboat friends, who comforted, cajoled, reality-checked and ootzed me out of the black hole and back into the sunshine. Where life is so much more manageable, and with the right perspective (provided by them) even the Big Huge Awful isn’t as bad as all that. Thank goodness!

I’m SO happy to enter the weekend with a totally changed attitude, with enthusiasm and excitement for participating in the TToT, which I know is Deep Down Awesome, and has HUGE power for Good.

No further ado, then – I’m BUZZING with happiness to present my Ten Things for this week:

1.  My Lifeboat friends, first and foremost, for always being there when I need them. And for being fortunate enough to have plenty, so that if some aren’t available, others are. And that I’m somehow graced with their genuine care and affection and their desire to help me feel better about the crap I’m going through with this infertility thing.

2. Stubbornness. Something I’ve always been good at (ask anyone who knew me as a kid. Or at any point in my life, in fact) and can turn to my advantage. I was absolutely determined not to let the Horrible Awful ruin an already-planned evening out with friends. So I gathered my sorry self and went, and you know what, talking to them, spending time focussed NOT IN MY BRAIN, and enjoying each others’ compay, was the perfect antidote and got me the rest of the way out of the Deep Dark Hole.

3. Husby and the Invisible Sign. On the back of an envelope, was scrawled, in his handwriting, the words “I Love You”, and in the evenings, when sat opposite one another, plugged into our machines, he’d occasionally hold it up for me to see (so he could tell me how he felt without me needing to take my headphones off and actually listen to him – which makes me sound like a real shit, but he’s SO awesome and understanding like that). The tradition evolved where (because I have no such sign) I hold up my clenched fists as though holding the sign and he knows that I’m telling him I love him right back. And the best thing about mine is that I can hold it up any time.

Which is just as well, because in last weekend’s Cleaning Swap, the original sign was summarily thrown away, with a swift “Look, it’s an old envelope, and the idea’s nice, but it’s a ripped, messy, old envelope. You can make a new sign.” So it went. And now we BOTH have invisible signs. And I love it – it makes my heart smile.

4. I know these two things both definitely got mentioned yesterday for my 7 Quick Takes, but they were both so good they merit another mention. As well as having friends who rescue me, I am blessed with friends who just make me LAUGH and somehow, around them a huge amount of *glee* happens. Like Sarah, with whom I swapped pictures of our eyes, because we discovered that we both have green eyes (so do Lisa and Beth – though they’ve yet to join in the photoswapping) and persisted to have an entire email conversation about eyes and ankles and all sorts of strange and wonderful things (as I recall, Sarah, you owe me a picture of your ankles). And like Beth (who you already know) who can online-ninja-fight like nobody’s business (mainly because she cheats) and who may or may not have a secret cult following of hot, sometimes-tattooed hunks…

5. This end of the week I’ve been able to come away on a mini-holiday and sit on my arse and read books, watch funny movies and write a little more of my own book, a guest post for a coupla weeks time, get fed with lovely delicious food I didn’t have to fix and slob around while it rained miserably outside. Life’s pretty good really.

6. If I can get a slot booked, I’m getting TATTOOED when I get back from the Island. And I’m dead excited. I know there’ll be varying opinions on this, and it’s not about that – it’s about finally realising that now these two designs are past the two-year period of decision, YES, they’ll be there when I’m 90, and YES, the finer points of the design might bleed with age, and YES, they’ll hurt to get done, and YES, it might be tantamount to self-mutilation, but really, is it such a Big Deal? And with all the realms of Actual Big Deal I have going on at the moment, no. It isn’t. And all these years I’ve been attributing far, far too much import to the idea of having a design I like inked permanently into my skin, and really, so what. So I’m going for it. Photos on Sunday (I hope).

7. This. Which Dad showed me this morning, and which made me nearly fall off my chair with laughter.

8. Teensy bit of discomfort with this one (what am I saying? It was one of those ‘head-swells-up-and-the-face-falls’ moments of utter horror). I’m grateful that I have friends who are absolutely honestly Good People. And who have the integrity and decency to call me out when I’m behaving like a prick. I acted meanly. Persistently. Because I thought it was funny to pitch two other people against one another and see what happened, purely for my own entertainment. I’d make a great Caesar, but I make a lousy human being sometimes. And this friend was decent and Good enough to tell me, respectfully and politely that I’d overstepped the mark. And once she said that, it was like I could see in a mirror I’d been avoiding, and I could see that there is a large tract of my character which is pretty repugnant and needs a lot of work to keep in check. Because this isn’t new behaviour. It’s long-engrained. And vile. I hate mirrors anyway, but this one was particularly painful to look into, and I’m SO thankful to my dear, Good friend Terrye for being brave and honest enough to hold it up for me.

9.  On a whole other, brighter note, the power of writing is incredible, as I found earlier this week. It’s been fascinating to measure the reactions against those I’ve had to other things I’ve written. And I think, on balance, I’m not gonna sell out (yet) but save all my creativity for this book I’m kindasorta, sporadically writing. But the feedback and enthusiasm has been glorious to behold, and a total ego boost, so HUGE thank-yous to everyone who left me some comm-box sugar in return 🙂

10. ALWAYS thankful and grateful for friends who take me into their confidence, share their struggles with me and give me the opportunity to somehow be of use, even if just as a listening ear, to try to help them untangle what’s going on, and move forward. It’s a precious, treasureful thing to be thought of so highly, and I’m still pleasantly surprised and honoured when it happens. That matters to me. Huge.

Thanks for sticking it out to the end 🙂

Now let me see yours…

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91 thoughts on “Ten Things of Thankful #32

  1. No deserving. It's not possible to deserve children. You're just fertile or not.

    And I don't think any doctors will ever entirely write off our chances, but the odds are so infinitesimal they might as well.


  2. 16% is great! I know a couple who both had fertility issues. The doctors gave them a 2% chance at best to conceive naturally. And after 6 years, after fertility treatment had failed them, they somehow did. Now the doctors say: well, it has happened once, it may happen again.. Keeping my fingers crossed that it works for you, you so deserve it, Lizzi!!


  3. Never say never – that's advice I get told often enough from certain people. It's worth buying into, I guess.

    I'm glad to hear that your stubbornness and perseverance has stood you in good stead, and that Lindsay's reaping the benefits of it. That's great, and I only hope that it will stand me in the same kind of good stead with regard to this situation and how I manage it, even if I can't change any outcomes.

    We will see what shall be, and I shall have people around me to support me and offer helpful input, whatever the case is.

    I'm glad your husband likes to try to fulfil your dreams. That's good of him. I know Husby's struggling with this for precisely that reason, even though there's no blame or responsibility for him to take in the matter, because it's sickness, and that's no-one's fault…

    Thank you Linda 🙂


  4. oh WHOOT! So you are! Very cool indeed!

    I'm HUGELY thankful you were there, and thank you, thank you thank you for being there so often. And yes – I can hear your words now – I know what you say 🙂 *HUGS*

    It's a very cute sign, huh?

    I did need my butt kicked. She done well.



  5. First off, I'm so sorry. Why do doctors feel the need to give bad news? Especially in January or any other month of the year for that matter??? But my heart goes out to you. I admire that you are stubborn. I was actually told that today too. I was told that because I often question my success at mothering and it was pointed out that because of that trait, maybe Lindsey was living independently pretty darn successfully because of it. I like that we have stubborn-ness in common.

    I'm so glad you have awesome friends in every aspect of your life and world. And it sure sounds like your husband is one of them. I'm sure this is as painful for him–knowing he cannot fulfill one of your most treasured dreams. So my thoughts and love are whipping their way through these words, across the ocean, and into your home.

    P.S. you are brave to get tattooed. I'm afraid of needles. Fortunately, I don't have a desire for a tattoo. But I never like to say never. It could happen. Maybe. Someday. 🙂


  6. It's pretty awesome, right? I do love it.

    OHO! That's quite a story for sometime in future, Mrs AR…looking forward to that one 😀

    It's one of those weeks. Thank GOD for friends. Honestly, I'd be sunk otherwise!

    And you're welcome. You know that this is never, EVER obligatory. But I think sometimes it's needed by us, as individuals, to force us to engage and start clawing our way back when times are tough. ❤


  7. The idea of the invisible sign is so fabulous…I can't even tell you how much I love it.

    And I saw that you DID get inked…so fabulous. And brave. I had one in college but it is now gone (story for another time) and I don't think I would want to go through it again. Bravo to you for being so brave! 🙂

    Sorry that your week started out “not so great”….glad to hear that you have friends to keep you going on this journey of life. 🙂

    And thanks again for keeping this going. It was NOT a week I wanted to participate (and you can see how late I'm getting in here!) but I did it, because I know you would notice. And call me out. And that's just what I need. All that to say: Thanks, Lizzi!


  8. I love the invisible sign. I want one. Not sure what it would say, but I want one!

    😦 Hugs to you for a pants week and yay for having great friends, because good friends and good husbands are all we need in life. Well – that and cheesecake.


  9. Hi, friends who share and keep confidences are like gold. I am glad you have found those close friends in your life. Good luck with the tattoos. I visited the other entry and they do look pretty.


  10. Owww! You weren't kidding when you said you give good comment, Mike 🙂

    Infertility truly sucks, and there are times when it sucks worse than others – times when it feels worse, and others when it's quite manageable. I'm blessed with friends and family who surround me at those times, and lift me back out of the darkness.

    I never got into horoscopes. For many reasons. But stubbornness is rarely helpful when you're digging your heels in to resist, but it can be channelled and used for good when you plant your feet firmly and refuse to be swayed.

    He does indeed rock. We talk as well, I promise. And tonight we stood in the kitchen and screamed absolute gibberish at each other, gesticulated wildly and then laughed together. It made sense to us.

    Tats in the next post. I love them, and I love what they mean to me.

    Good to know. I shan't pitch you against, and I shall take care to be wary of my more repugnant characteristics around you, but they exist, and I don't like to hide them or make myself out to be a paragon of goodness when I'm really not. I'm good at failure and letdown. And most of the time I'm good at being Honest about it. And also genuinely wanting to be a better person.

    Writing is wonderful, especially as a companion to working our way through this world. Even when we're unkind or mean or cruel, writing helps. Because everyone has it in them, and we all slip into those darker feelings; moments of anger or jealousy or spite, and I think as long as we recognise those moments when they happen, and strive to overcome, make amends and reconnect, it turns out well.

    Thank you 🙂


  11. I’m so sorry you went through that with your fertility and the black hole. That’s the worst place ever to be, Lizzi. I’m all to familiar with white-knuckling life here and there over a half millennia.

    I have a circle of trust (yes circa “Parents” De Niro) friends who are awesome. Most of them are married but I have a gazillion ph#’s I can call 24/7 if needed. I never have.

    Stubbornness. My bull in the china shop comment? I’m a Taurus and actually USED to be very stubborn until I figured out many years ago it was getting me no where.

    Your husband rocks. Just please don’t take his understanding for a lack of wanting or needing to talk on his part. Been there.

    Which funny movies do you like?

    Very interested to see your tats! If women do them right they can be so hot. But, the bottom line is what they mean to the person wearing them.

    “Because I thought it was funny to pitch two other people against one another and see what happened, purely for my own entertainment…” Sorry, my dear. I find no
    enjoyment in that. It’s 100% against how I roll. If anyone does that to me…see

    Oh my gosh yes on the writing! It is so cathartic and freeing, isn't it?

    We are fumbling through this life as best we can. As long as we are good to
    others. Keep our karma upright. Look in the mirror daily and never at others.
    Persist at self-honesty. It usually works out quite well.

    You’re doing fantastic, Lizzi 🙂


  12. I can see it becoming a 'thing'. I really REALLY like having them. I know it's new and the novelty's not worn off yet, but WOW I'm so happy with them.

    Thanks 🙂 I hope so too. The only assurance I have is that things WILL be different in future.


  13. Ack. I still gotta figure that out. And learn how to arrange myself in shot so that everyone doesn't see just an expansive wasteland of giant forehead. OR WEAR A HAT! Fuck yes! I'll wear a hat.

    LOVE the comments. I've said all along it's where the magic happens – mostly here and chez toi, where the conversations seem to take root. I love it.

    And thank you. You're keeping notes, I take it. Did you like #8?


  14. I should've done that, but on the eve of my 30th, I was blind drunk (literally) and trying to block out that I was 30, had no babies, and the world was going nuts over Kate and Will's new baby. It sucked. Bigtime. Was probably my crappiest birthday-eve so far. Here's hoping the next one is better.

    Photos tomorrow 😀 They're good.

    The time away has been gorgeous, and coming back into so much light and loveliness at this here hop has been deeply happifying. Which should be a word. Let the happy rub off on you – it sometimes needs dragging out kicking and screaming, but the things to be pleased about are there. I promise. Even on the darkest days – just sometimes takes a while or fresh perspective to see 'em.


  15. It's annoying, but her responsibility is the endocrine and sickness bit, not the fertility size. In terms of making sure Husby's well and healthy, she's been faultless, and has often gone above and beyond the call of duty to make sure he's okay. Just in this, she sucked.

    SO glad you defied the odds. 16% for us is still better than nothing, right? There's a chance. And we'll see.

    Thanks for being in my corner 🙂


  16. Good luck with the tattoo, I have three and want a few more.
    Sorry it's been a horrible week, I certainly can't say I know how you feel, but I'm sorry you're hurting and hope things get better. xo


  17. … your comments threads are the equivalent to most of our Posts.
    v cool.

    nice work, everything that you experience, both good and bad is a benefit to me, not because of the nature of the things that happen, but the nature of how you relate yourself to them (and the world in which they occur).

    hey! new idea for the 'Life Vidiotic'… will find you on the FB


  18. Not such a bad idea. I got my first tattoo on the eve of my 30th birthday, because life is too short to worry about it wrinkling and whatnot. 🙂 I can't wait to see pictures!
    The weekend you have planned sounds heavenly. I hope you can relax and enjoy the getaway. That you can see the sunshine amidst the bad news around you is inspiring to me. Your cheerfulness reminds me to not be so doom-and-gloom.


  19. To be honest, I think it's a dick move from your husbands endocrynologist to give hope to the two of you for a year even though she knew that the chances for the two of you were next to 0. Or she's just talking up some crap to make her look clever. But then again, when I had my first emergency appointment with the endocrynologist when I was pregnant with Lily, he looked at my blood work and said that I am not SUPPOSED to be pregnant, my hormon levels say impossible to conceive, but she was there, for all to see. No matter what, I'm so, so sorry for you, Lizzi. I am so hoping for you that the 0.1% chance will turn into a 100% for you, and if not, then that ICSI will be your way. I am glad you have friends and family to hold you up and give you support when you're falling. Love the idea with the signs, so absolutely cute of the two of you. Enjoy your reading this weekend my dear friend!


  20. Oh what a week you've had! I'm sorry the news came – and that it ended that way. I'm glad you had the wonderful support you do to help you through that (big hugs from afar).
    I think there is nothing wrong with a tattoo – especially if you have been thinking about it as long as you have been. Looking forward to hearing/seeing more on that 🙂
    As for uglier sides of ourselves – we all have them. Key – like all these things – is to try and keep them down most of the time. So good you had an honest friend to help you see it, and name it, and now you can move on from it.
    Wishing you many, many, many better weeks to come 🙂


  21. Naaaah. I'm fine with it making sense. I love all the second-guessing. You should check out the Wakefield Doctrine and take a crack at figuring out your personality 😉 It's intriguing.


  22. I'm stuck between wanting to farm out the art for these or have a go at it myself. Not that I don't want you in – I'm just still trying to figure it out. I can only draw stick things – stick people, stick dogs, stick houses, stick sticks…it's my only artistic talent in the visual department. So the stick thing simply has to be part of this. What I'd really like is for Zilla to draw HER cats for the books…they are spectacular. A bit frightening – generally far too many legs – but that may be part of the charm.


  23. No, not ominous. Glad that other people were having a bit of a crap week, too, and wrote anyway. Wait that sounds bad – like I'm happy other people are unhappy. That's not it at all. It's that I was glad to know I wasn't alone in the crap.


  24. Thanks Tracie 🙂 I am blessed with friends who dragged me out of that hole pretty quickly. And thank goodness. Because as I said, this nearly didn't happen. And yet…

    …the rest of the week has been filled with such blessing and wonderfulness and loveliness, that today I was bursting with happiness and quite content. So even the Huge Awful can't take me down for too long (at a time – it'll happen again, I'm sure.)

    I'm glad you find me inspiring. And that you like the rest of the list 🙂 Thank you for saying so.


  25. Apparently but the wonderful thing about Disqus is that you can EDIT your comments – scroll back up there and see. Button at the bottom and no-one need ever know you got Rubified


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