What a WEEK!
And to be perfectly honest, you have Kristi, Christine and Chris to thank for this post existing at all – after we received word from Husby’s endocrinologist that she thought we were unlikely to conceive naturally, she wouldn’t be giving him any more hormones until the ones which will render him permanently infertile and she reckoned that we probably never had a chance at natural conception anyway, my world plummeted into a very deep, dark black hole (again) and looked set to remain there – I decided that the TToT was NOT something I wanted to engage with or be part of or have anything to do with, and that it was a dumb, stupid idea designed to mollify with Small Things and dupe people into believing that their Big Huge Awfuls were, in fact manageable.
Enter my Lifeboat friends, who comforted, cajoled, reality-checked and ootzed me out of the black hole and back into the sunshine. Where life is so much more manageable, and with the right perspective (provided by them) even the Big Huge Awful isn’t as bad as all that. Thank goodness!
I’m SO happy to enter the weekend with a totally changed attitude, with enthusiasm and excitement for participating in the TToT, which I know is Deep Down Awesome, and has HUGE power for Good.
No further ado, then – I’m BUZZING with happiness to present my Ten Things for this week:
1. My Lifeboat friends, first and foremost, for always being there when I need them. And for being fortunate enough to have plenty, so that if some aren’t available, others are. And that I’m somehow graced with their genuine care and affection and their desire to help me feel better about the crap I’m going through with this infertility thing.
2. Stubbornness. Something I’ve always been good at (ask anyone who knew me as a kid. Or at any point in my life, in fact) and can turn to my advantage. I was absolutely determined not to let the Horrible Awful ruin an already-planned evening out with friends. So I gathered my sorry self and went, and you know what, talking to them, spending time focussed NOT IN MY BRAIN, and enjoying each others’ compay, was the perfect antidote and got me the rest of the way out of the Deep Dark Hole.
3. Husby and the Invisible Sign. On the back of an envelope, was scrawled, in his handwriting, the words “I Love You”, and in the evenings, when sat opposite one another, plugged into our machines, he’d occasionally hold it up for me to see (so he could tell me how he felt without me needing to take my headphones off and actually listen to him – which makes me sound like a real shit, but he’s SO awesome and understanding like that). The tradition evolved where (because I have no such sign) I hold up my clenched fists as though holding the sign and he knows that I’m telling him I love him right back. And the best thing about mine is that I can hold it up any time.
Which is just as well, because in last weekend’s Cleaning Swap, the original sign was summarily thrown away, with a swift “Look, it’s an old envelope, and the idea’s nice, but it’s a ripped, messy, old envelope. You can make a new sign.” So it went. And now we BOTH have invisible signs. And I love it – it makes my heart smile.
4. I know these two things both definitely got mentioned yesterday for my 7 Quick Takes, but they were both so good they merit another mention. As well as having friends who rescue me, I am blessed with friends who just make me LAUGH and somehow, around them a huge amount of *glee* happens. Like Sarah, with whom I swapped pictures of our eyes, because we discovered that we both have green eyes (so do Lisa and Beth – though they’ve yet to join in the photoswapping) and persisted to have an entire email conversation about eyes and ankles and all sorts of strange and wonderful things (as I recall, Sarah, you owe me a picture of your ankles). And like Beth (who you already know) who can online-ninja-fight like nobody’s business (mainly because she cheats) and who may or may not have a secret cult following of hot, sometimes-tattooed hunks…
5. This end of the week I’ve been able to come away on a mini-holiday and sit on my arse and read books, watch funny movies and write a little more of my own book, a guest post for a coupla weeks time, get fed with lovely delicious food I didn’t have to fix and slob around while it rained miserably outside. Life’s pretty good really.
6. If I can get a slot booked, I’m getting TATTOOED when I get back from the Island. And I’m dead excited. I know there’ll be varying opinions on this, and it’s not about that – it’s about finally realising that now these two designs are past the two-year period of decision, YES, they’ll be there when I’m 90, and YES, the finer points of the design might bleed with age, and YES, they’ll hurt to get done, and YES, it might be tantamount to self-mutilation, but really, is it such a Big Deal? And with all the realms of Actual Big Deal I have going on at the moment, no. It isn’t. And all these years I’ve been attributing far, far too much import to the idea of having a design I like inked permanently into my skin, and really, so what. So I’m going for it. Photos on Sunday (I hope).
7. This. Which Dad showed me this morning, and which made me nearly fall off my chair with laughter.
8. Teensy bit of discomfort with this one (what am I saying? It was one of those ‘head-swells-up-and-the-face-falls’ moments of utter horror). I’m grateful that I have friends who are absolutely honestly Good People. And who have the integrity and decency to call me out when I’m behaving like a prick. I acted meanly. Persistently. Because I thought it was funny to pitch two other people against one another and see what happened, purely for my own entertainment. I’d make a great Caesar, but I make a lousy human being sometimes. And this friend was decent and Good enough to tell me, respectfully and politely that I’d overstepped the mark. And once she said that, it was like I could see in a mirror I’d been avoiding, and I could see that there is a large tract of my character which is pretty repugnant and needs a lot of work to keep in check. Because this isn’t new behaviour. It’s long-engrained. And vile. I hate mirrors anyway, but this one was particularly painful to look into, and I’m SO thankful to my dear, Good friend Terrye for being brave and honest enough to hold it up for me.
9. On a whole other, brighter note, the power of writing is incredible, as I found earlier this week. It’s been fascinating to measure the reactions against those I’ve had to other things I’ve written. And I think, on balance, I’m not gonna sell out (yet) but save all my creativity for this book I’m
kindasorta, sporadically writing. But the feedback and enthusiasm has been glorious to behold, and a total ego boost, so HUGE thank-yous to everyone who left me some comm-box sugar in return 🙂
10. ALWAYS thankful and grateful for friends who take me into their confidence, share their struggles with me and give me the opportunity to somehow be of use, even if just as a listening ear, to try to help them untangle what’s going on, and move forward. It’s a precious, treasureful thing to be thought of so highly, and I’m still pleasantly surprised and honoured when it happens. That matters to me. Huge.
Thanks for sticking it out to the end 🙂
Now let me see yours…