TToT 22:2 The vainglorious edition

Anyone who’s been hanging out here lately will know that there’s been a big ‘to do’ about me trying veryvery hard to Look Like A Girl for a Top Secret Event this weekend.

FINALLY I can tell you.

It was a hen party (that’s bachelorette, for anyone who’s American at home) for a friend, with a ‘Hollywood Glamour’ theme.

My attempts to prepare were thwarted by anxiety, because I’m all too used to being the fat, unattractive person with bad fashion sense. And even though much of this has changed due to hard work and a certain amount of trying-to-like-myself-a-bit-better, I’m still not very fashionable. And I knew I needed help.

So last weekend I bugged the heck out of everyone, asking which of several dresses to get. And which of my pre-existing shoes would go with said dress.

The resounding votes were for dresses B and C, in almost equal number. I took this on board.

Then there were the shoes:

Again, the main choices were B and C. 
So I racked my brains and chatted with various friends online until I’d driven them to distraction, and could almost see them tearing their hair out on the other end of the internet. And went with dress B and shoes D.
Obviously.
Then, dress ordered, I began to panic. The REST of me needed to look good as well – not just the dress and the shoes! I needed to look PRETTY! (this is where Clark starts advising his downsprings to take notes…) Because now that I was entering into the field of competition, I wanted to make sure that I could go down with all guns blazing, rather than as a damp squib.
So with anxiety buzzing at the inside of my mind, I made a list of the New, Girl Things I would need to effect the transformation.
  • New bra
  • Lipstick
  • False eyelashes
  • False nails?
  • Stockings? (and if so, hold-ups or a suspender belt?)

Panic set in, and I wound up being told by someone who is both wise and beautiful and who totally gets me, that I was worrying TOO MUCH about this. Because in the end, it wasn’t the clothes which count, but the ME, and she thought that the ME was probably fine and just tending a little towards the self-obsessed side (I paraphrase).

That said, she also wanted there to be more time so she could send me some stockings to help me feel pretty, so that helped a little.
So today I SHOPPED! I took my sister (fashion advisor supreme) and bought everything on the list (bar the false nails, because we thought that was probably a step too far, and unnecessary). Then we came back home and I tried it all on, just to check, and to take some photographs for you (cos I know you’ve been waiting).
           

I tottered down the road to the party (getting pleasingly wolf-whistled at by someone in a passing car) where we played Hollywood-Glamour-themed games and chatted to people we all didn’t know, and celebrated the bride-to-be in the most glorious way. It was a beautiful, beautiful evening full of glamour and people connecting because of nothing more than a shared connection with the bride-to-be.

Then I ruined it all (but also didn’t ruin it at all) by getting very drunk.

Because all day I’ve been trying to avoid the fact that it’s the first anniversary of losing Jesse, my firstchild. My neverborn. Because I had to take my sister to the other end of town for lunch at a different Subway branch than the one I poured him away in, because I was too stupid and too proud to admit that I needed to stay home and not go to town with friends a year ago. Because I was too afraid of what was happening to stop and accept it, and wait, and mourn. And I came home from the party six-drinks-pissed and HILARIOUS, which turned rapidly into maudlin and sorrowful, until (prompted) I reached out for Husby and disturbed his computer game time to ask for a hug.

And then I broke down completely. Into tiny, shattered pieces of grief for the mother I should have been, and the three-month-old I would be holding in my arms if life were remotely fair. And Husby wrapped me around with his arms and his love and held me for ages while I ugly-cried, and he KNEW. He knew how bad it was and how awful and how terrible that our firstbaby is gone, and our secondbaby should’ve been due next weekend, and is also gone. And how much it hurts (even if it’s different for him), and how no matter if we have another, we’ll still miss them both.

And how much we want them back.

And how thankful, in whatever way it is, that we had the chance, and the honour, to be their parents – even if they were gone before we ever got the chance to know them.
Which all just goes to show (looking back at those photos) what a very good liar I can be; even to myself…

Ten Things of Thankful
Ten Things of Thankful
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57 thoughts on “TToT 22:2 The vainglorious edition

  1. Very glam! But I wonder, is it so much being a liar as you say at the end? Or is it just part of the crazy dichotomies of life where there is a part of you that is happy to celebrate with a friend even while another very large part of you is dying for the two babies that you will never get to hold on this earth? And the rest is maybe just a collision of the two.

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  2. I shall look on Bards in a moment, thank you.

    They put you in a tux? Wow! Well why don't you make SURE you find occasion to wear a dress and glam it up. Have a tea party with Skip or something, and invite your friends, just because 😀

    And thanks 😉

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  3. Well, you look hot!, you look sexy!, You look like a woman!, You look thin!… all of it… It has been years since Ive been in a dress and I probably wont wear another in this lifetime… my kid and his wife asked me to perform their wedding ceremony last year and I was perfectly willing to wear a dress and they put me in a tux. …

    I am also sorry Lizzi …the anniversaries are so hard… I hope I didn't overstep but I left you a little something on the Bards… xo Z~

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  4. Never been to a store – too far. But I shop online – spent ages there choosing wedding shoes, having them delivered, sending them back . . . I have 4 pairs of IC shoes of which I can only wear/walk in 1! No good with heels.

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  5. Thanks 🙂

    Yes, your last point makes a lot of sense. I suppose I would rather it was this way than never having been able to get pregnant at all. Even though this sucks completely. You're right. And I'm thankful for that. Thank you.

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  6. Wow you look glamorous in your outfit! Sorry to see you ended the evening feeling so unhappy, but I'm glad your hubby was so supportive and understanding.
    I can also relate to your last paragraph of feeling thankful for the opportunity to be a parent to your babies even if they were never born. I felt that way when I had a miscarriage – at the time I didn't know if we'd ever have kids, but strongly felt I'd rather have been pregnant with that lost baby than never at all.
    Sending you some hugs and love.

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  7. Thanks 🙂 I was very happy with the choices I was advised to make – I have awesomely fashionable people around me, and their efforts on my behalf truly paid off.

    And no. Not at all happy. I'm both thankful and hugely, massively relieved that Husby was here for me, because otherwise I fear the night would've gone a whole lot worse. Thanks for the hugs. Back atcha.

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  8. You looked absolutely amazing! Loved your dress/shoe choices.

    And then…my heart broke. Anniversaries are not always happy are they? I am thankful you have someone in your life that shares in all your celebrations and challenges. Especially during the ugly cries. Take care! (((HUGS)))

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  9. What an absolutely fun party..I can honestly say I have never ever been to a fancy-schmancy party in my life. I haven't worn a dress in, oh… 10 or more years. But, if I looked as fabulous as you do in this outfit, I might try it again! You DO look A-MAZING!!

    I'm sorry it was overshadowed by such sadness. Words escape me as I try to figure out what to say…but I also know that words do not make the pain go away or subside the sadness. Just imagine me hugging you … I wished that I could. ;(

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  10. Aw thanks Joy 🙂

    And yes – it was the perfect distraction right up until the last bit, when it all came tumbling down. And I'm glad I'm such a good writer, but sorry to make you cry. Thank goodness for the internet, and the connectedness it provides – I feel like I've met so many wonderful, awesome people who genuinely enrich my life by being in it, and without the web…I'd just be so much the poorer. So even though you're not geographically close, in internet terms, you're RightHere, and thank you *hugs*

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  11. You are so beautiful. I don't know what you were worried about, super big GLAM.
    This was probably a good distraction on this awful day. I'm so sorry for your pain, I'm crying right now. Your excellent writing can take people through an emotional roller coaster, sure sign of a good writer. I've never met you personally and I'm so heartbroken for you. Your writing is so good, it makes me feel I know you, it makes me care for you, that is an amazing gift from the universe. I'm glad you got some emotion out, and your husband was there for you, and you had that moment together. I wish we were closer and I could help you in some way. Sending virtual *hugs* which I hope helps in some tiny way.

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  12. They're awesome, right?

    *MASSIVEHUGS* I hope for you too, that they will. But it's nothing to do with timing or readiness, I promise you that. At whatever point it happens for you, if that's to be how life turns out, you will be a WONDERFUL mom. Truly. Because of who you are, and how you feel and think, and how you KNOW that this is such an important not-to-be-taken-for-granted blessing. You will be fabulous.

    There may or may not be a reason. Sometimes I'm convinced the whole 'all' of any reason is just because of the brokenness of the world. And we don't have to like it, at all, ever, but somehow we must come to a place of peace with it. Today I have marginally more peace, which is progress.

    *MOREmorehugs*

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  13. Love the dress and those shoes!
    As for Jesse. My heart aches. But you know, that little one will always be with you. Sigh. I feel ya in a this-sort-of-thing-happened-to-me-too sort of way. I hope, still, that a little soul will choose me as a mom sometime. I just wish I had been ready for it all sooner. But I didn't feel like I grew up til my 30s. And I should have done this in my 20s. But I don't think I could have been the mom I want to be now. *sigh* Life's little twists. I suppose there's a reason for everything, even if I (or we) don't like it. MORE HUGS

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  14. This hurt has nothing to do with fairness or deserving – it happens indiscriminately, and it sucks, but is just a part of this broken world we live in. Thanks though *hugs*

    If you love the shoes enough, the brand (irregular choice) have a .com and a shop in NY 😉

    Thanks for the hope 🙂

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  15. Words like I'm sorry are so inadequate but all I have. This post made me cry and I am certain the heartache I felt was nowhere near yours. It is not hard to know the kind of person you are from your writing and your interaction with us. You are a true and good soul and it isn't fair you should feel this hurt. So I am sorry.
    You did look gorgeous all glammed up 🙂 I am especially coveting those shoes!
    With love and hope from across the pond.

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  16. Hun, the dress was beautiful, the shoes were gorgeous. Were they Irregular Choice? I love IC! You looked fabulous.

    I'm so sorry for your pain, I wish I could hep in some way, but all I can offer is a hug.

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  17. It was fine until the end, and I even managed to enjoy the party. But that final crash was a painful one. Thanks for the hugs. I've been kind to myself today, and given myself a 'day off'.

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  18. Oh, what an emotionally-charged day! The anticipation and joy of the hen party juxtaposed on the sorrow of the anniversary of your loss must have been extremely hard to experience. Hugs across the miles for you today and also later this month. Like Josie, I believe you'll be able to meet your little ones someday, but that doesn't diminish the grief of today. Be kind to yourself.

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  19. Bwahahah I triple-dog-dare you to find yourself some excuse to get girlied up and see if you can knock him over then 😉

    17 years? And I thought *I* was bad!

    My friends were UTTERLY astonished. But I did let them know that all the fashion sense was borrowed from all my friends, who are far better at it than I am.

    Thanks for the hugs. I really hope there might be a rainbow somewhere along the way.

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  20. Thanks so much 😀 I surprised myself as much as anyone, I think! It was a fun adventure, and even (I won't say this too loudly) one I might be willing to repeat in future! The bride-to-be had a GORGEOUS time, and it was so shiny and Hollywood and glamourous. I think she was really happy.

    And yes – today dawned with more sunshine, both literal and metaphorical. I've been hiding away, but it's been alright. Peaceful, fragile and not-ready-to-go-out-yet, but okay. Thanks *hugs*

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  21. I was fine right up until I got home again, so the party was AWESOME fun. It was the aftermath where things really went to pieces. I'm just glad I managed to restrict my drunken fallout to (mainly) offline.

    But thanks 🙂 I'm pretty pleased with how the outfit turned out, so YAY for that 😀

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  22. You look freakin' AMAZING. No. Seriously. I can't get over it. I love the entire outfit! And those stockings….holy sex appeal Batman! Those are HOT. My hubs would faint flat out if he saw me in any part of that get up! Mostly cuz he hasn't seen me in a dress in 17 years, but…..
    I bet your friends were gobsmacked at your fashion sense and glamour.

    As for the rest. You know how my heart aches for your loss and I send the biggest hugs ever to you both. I can only wish these are the stormy clouds before the beautiful rainbow that's about to light up your sky.

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  23. You.look. AH-MAZING! I knew you would and I knew you could girlie it up with the best of them. Glad you got to celebrate with friends and the bride's upcoming big day.

    So sorry that it was also the anniversary of that terrible day and I hope today has dawned with a little more sunshine for you. Be blessed, my friend! **HUGS!**

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  24. You are beautiful inside and out, Lizzi. Seriously never forget this, because I am really so happy and fortunate to know you and totally consider you a friend. That said the outfit on you was smoking hot and you rocked it completely. Just so sorry for how down you were and truly understandable, but please know how gorgeous you looked and even though I know inside you felt miserable and just hope you are feeling a bit better (and much as you can be) on that end. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way today.

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  25. Thanks so much for the lovely comments – I'm working on the 'fat' (and think I've done rather well) and working on my attitude to the 'attractive', but thanks for the ego boost 🙂

    Life is cruel and unfair and sucky and broken, and it all just is how it is. To (apparently) 1 in 4 pregnancies, which is probably a little more than 1 in 4 women. Which is horrible, and also just a part of life in this broken world of ours.

    If real life is crazy, don't worry – there are no obligations to participate here, but I look forward to your return when things calm down 🙂 Take care 🙂

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  26. Oh Lizzi, I am lost for words. I cannot believe that life could be so cruel to bring so much heartache to someone as beautiful and generous as you. I can offer no words of comfort because nothing could ever suffice. But I can tell you that you look gorgeous in your new dress and I LOVE those stockings and there is NO WAY by any stretch of the imagination that you are fat or unattractive so I banish that thought immediately please! I'm so sorry I haven't been able to participate in TToT this weekend or last weekend – just been crazy busy round here these last couple of weekends. Will be back on board soon. Sending lots of love. xxxxxx

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  27. It was all going so well up until the end – art reflecting life in the most brutiful way there.

    And there are no words, but thanks so much for the hugs and the vision of the future, of that meeting.

    On a completely shallow note, I'm SO happy that I managed to scrub up well and look like a Girl 😀

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  28. There was always going to be a TimeZoning issue on this one, but no matter – we can all catch up to whatever point in time makes sense, and continue from there. For me, those photos were taken on Saturday. And now it's Sunday for me (and possibly, just about, for you, too).

    The outfit was AWESOME, and I do really love that I managed to pull it off.

    The rest though, the after-party aftermath, sucked bigtime. And I'm only pleased to discover this morning (after SLEEP) that apparently I can still write reasonably well whilst drunk and heartbroken.

    Thanks for the prayers and hugs. I reckon it'll be a fragile kind of day. But very, very, Real.

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  29. Oh, the pain in this post just took my breath away. A mother falls in love with a child from the moment she knows it is within her, and to lose not one but two before you have a chance to hear them laugh and cry is such a sadness to bear. I don't know words of consolation that are adequate for your grief, and is there for you when you need him the very most. In my beliefs, there will come a time when you will meet and rejoice with these little souls who will forever call you their own, just as their is a little soul of mine waiting for me! And despite the sad ending to this night, I have to say that without a doubt you looked absolutely smashing for the party and you know that you have it within you to be any kind of woman you want to be! HUGS

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  30. I was really looking forward to seeing how the outfit would turn out. I just read your yesterdays post and there it said that tomorrow you would post pictures of it and your tomorrow is still my today (confusing?) so I got to see it really fast, didn't have to wait one whole day 🙂 I have to say I love it, the dress…sexy, the stockings, the shoes, everything…sexy!! I'm sorry that it was also the anniversary of that awful day too and I don't want to say anything more about that because I know there's nothing I can say to make it better. Just know that you have my prayers Lizzi and a tight hug from far away. Thanks for being so honest and real.

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