What Actually happened:Once, on Halloween, I…set a trap and found a scary-ish )but probably pretty crap, really) outfit.
I waited in all evening, like a goon, and no-one came. Not. A. Single. Person.
What should’ve happened: Once, on Halloween, I…made sure I was prepared really early in the evening (after all the sweet little kiddies in their costumes had been round). I took a strong piece of rope, and tied it straight across the pathway to the front door, just at ankle height. Because I knew that soon enough, the hoards of obnoxious teenagers and students in their skanky costumes, with their bags full of eggs and toilet paper, would be making the rounds.
Determined to beat them at their own game, I donned my terrifying outfit, complete with zombie make-up, fake blood and white-out contact lenses, and lay in wait in the hallway, with a book (just to pass the time).
It wasn’t long before I heard the squeak of the gate and the noisy voices of the first crowd of yobs as they came towards the house.
I held my breath…
(and, very satisfyingly) “OW! What the %@£# is this?!”
At which point, I leaped out of my chair, flung open the front door and lurched down the path, uttering a truly horrific shriek.
Cue MUCH more swearing and cursing as the teens scrambled over themselves to escape as fast as they could (one, very gratifyingly misjudging the angle of the front gate and giving himself an accidental nut-shot on the corner of it as he tried to barge through alongside one of his friends).
I giggled in a most un-zombie-like fashion, and returned to my book to await the next set of victims.
The night continued until the wee hours, when the last gaggle of drunken university students ended up in a pile on the front path, too limp from alcohol to do anything but try to crawl away in a would-be-scared-if-not-so-sozzled fashion, and hide beneath the azaleas as I came shrieking down the path for the umpteenth, triumphant time.
The next morning I went out early, sans zombie get-up, to untie the rope before it inadvertently tripped the postman over on his morning rounds.
I discovered one, lonely student still passed out in the flowerbeds. And by the look of things, he’d pissed himself.
I cackled with glee at the best post-Halloween moment ever as I fetched my ‘just-in-case’ airhorn and gave him a blast to wake him up before unceremoniously ordering him off the property, ready to face his walk of shame home in his soiled clothes, as I wandered back indoors, light of heart and ready for breakfast.
What probably would’ve happened: Once, on Halloween, I…set an amazing tripwire across the pathway to the house, ready to topple those cocky trick-or-treaters (not the nice little kids – the loutish teens and drunk students who’d think nothing of sending banners of toilet paper across the house and garden, smashing eggs against the front of the house, or peeing through the letterbox and vandalising the cars on their way out).
I put on my scary outfit and sat in the hallway in wait, and I finally heard the front gate squeak open, then footsteps, then a THUD! Then crying and yelling.
I ran out, with a fearsome banshee wail which got strangled in my throat as I saw the burly, mad-as-hell rugby-payer dad picking himself up off the floor, and trying to scoop up his little girl, who had two bleeding knees, had lost her sweets all over the path, and was sobbing inconsolably.
He shouted at me for ten solid minutes, about what a bad citizen I was, and how dare I spoil Halloween for his precious child, and even MORE SO how dare I intentionally set out to injure and upset people who were just trying to have a bit of fun with their children. He got out a notebook and pen, took my name, and wrote down my address.
A month later I got a letter from his solicitor, filing against me for breach of the peace and general asshattery. I’m still paying the fines now…
If you’ve not seen this yet, you are TOTALLY missing out. Take five. Watch it now. You won’t regret it. (And I challenge you to find someone who doesn’t completely adore watching Ellen laugh til she cries…)
This week was very guest-post-y. Which has been super fun. If you fancy following further into my psyche;
Join me at The Epistolarians for my post The Fat Kid
or at Kissing The Frog for Waves of Grief – part of Kathy’s ‘Grief Stories’ project
I’ll announce it here and announce it there, and announce it and shout it EVERYWHERE – my run in the dark total has been GROWING and has now raised £700 for Cancer Research UK, which is AWESOME, and makes me so happy that so many people have been moved to contribute towards kicking a disease which affects far, far too many people.
This week I discovered (and have been listening obsessively ever since to) China Crisis’ ‘King in a Catholic Style (Wake Up)’
And as a treat, here it is, for you 🙂
For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!