Grinding to a halt

Join in with Jen and Kristi
for a week of relaxing, slow jams
Sometimes life just goes your way, and the fireworks of happiness and new beginnings are set off within your soul with such intensity that they reach a crescendo and you can float away in a haze of chilled out music and get lost within the joy of your own heart.
Sometimes life can deliver crushing blows in the form of shared happinesses in which you can no longer hope to participate, and the pain and bitterness which rises up, like acid in your soul, and spills out of your eyes and burns tracks down your cheeks, and you need to turn up the music, seek oblivion, soar on the notes of the music while your heart lies broken.
Sometimes the two can happen simultaneously.

The new beginning and the sharp reminders of bitter ends.

The (rightfully) flaunted joys versus the memories of missed opportunities.

The dreams for the future juxtaposed against the uncertainty of the week.

So what better image than the eagle, soaring through the sunset – the ultimate symbol of freedom and transcendence. That speck in the sky which we see from afar and yearn to understand its experience, being, as we are, tethered to the ground.

So in that moment of quiet yearning, it’s possible for the mind to drift back into the shadows, where lurk the demons I’ve tried to hide from. Vile creatures, grasping at me and tearing my skin, my mind, my heart; their names are Envy; Jealousy; Bitterness; Anger; Hurt; Grief;Β  Desperation.

And even as I turn back to face them, the sound of the song flows through my ears and reminds me of that magic wand, that although it’s not real and never could be waved, perhaps, somewhere, there is hope.

Out for the evening then – to the sea – always returning to the place where my blood can pulse in time to the surf, and the light is surreal – brighter somehow than its overland counterpart; like crystal – ready to walk for miles and contemplate the coastline as it fades in the dusk. To see reflections of the lights coming on in the distance. To see whether sunset happens or whether the moon might leave its silvered cat-paws across the surface of the water. To feel that creeping cold in my bones, and shiver, in spite of the still-warmish weather. To sit and watch and listen as the final few gulls call to one another with harsh, spine-tingling cries, echoing throughout the empty skies. To wonder again and again at Reginald Perrin, and wish I had his genius, or his screenwriters, at least.

To midnight we go, as the music turns slightly quieter, more intimate, more intense, and yet still chilled out, but with a beautiful level of funky harmony which keeps you listening more than the once. The soul calls out, wants to be heard, and in the moment, for now, is understood. The future may be or may be not a place I want to know, but tonight…tonight is okay again.

And tomorrow. Tomorrow will be okay.

They turn out a pretty gritty sort of chap where I’m from, and I’ll be ready (by then) to get my jam back and take the bulls (and demons) by the horns.

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24 thoughts on “Grinding to a halt

  1. Something like that. Thanks Emma – you're a good friend πŸ™‚ Today I've had some SUPER encouragement from a post at Scary Mommy, and that's helped so much πŸ˜€ There is a silver lining, and it shines brightly today ❀

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  2. Love the songs. Don't love the melancholy, but as Blur says “Get through it” – and that's the thing, there's the other side, God will help us through it, we will help each other through it, and Him upstairs doesn't give us more than we can handle (or something like that). Much love and strength x

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  3. Intensifies/tries to override and slam you back into a slightly less distasteful place.

    Today was successful, effective, useful, productive…I should try to find the joy in those things, I guess.

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  4. I know, and sorry that you understand so well. And that it wasn't your month. I wish I could use that magic wand just a *little* bit for both of us. Much love and hugs to you – hang on in there. We'll be alright in the end, you and I, somehow. And in the meantime, there's music.

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  5. nice mix of 'take me the hell out of here'* in the different selections. music has such a power when it comes to not just influencing mood, but in creating or, at very least reinforcing the way we feel about ourselves and the world we find ourselves in at the present moment.

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