Welcome one and welcome all, to the very special edition of ‘Award Acceptance 101’. Here today to explain far more than I ever could about it, is my Sub-Conscious, who has generously agreed to return to regale you with further wit and jollity, as I accept a new and wonderful award from the lovely Zoe.
Please place your hands together to
SC: [interrupting] Are you quite finished?
I, uh…dude, I was talking you up!
SC: Can we get one thing straight, before we go any further? I’m in charge around here. I influence you beyond anything you can imagine and frankly, your puerile comments are more hindrance than help. Anyone who comes here and sees any shred of creativity, wisdom, wisecrack or otherwise source of greatness, sees me. I don’t need ‘hyping’ because they (who visit and find ‘you’ engaging) already know me. They just don’t know they know me because you haven’t ever bloody invited me back yet.
Okay. Ouch. That was kinda rude, but I see what you’re getting at. Sorry.
SC: And stop apologising. It’s pathetic. You over-think everything. Just ‘be chill’ (as you say when you want someone to find you ‘cool’ – good grief! You do disappoint me sometimes! You’re like a puppy begging for attention!)
Can we move on? You’re here. People are reading you. Don’t waste their time if you’re so awesomerockin’…
SC: And so, ladies and gentlemen, we move onwards into The Good Stuff. I’ve been (finally) invited here tonight to demonstrate my inner workings – a fascinating dissection, if you will, of the reasons that Considerer (as she calls herself – isn’t it cute? And not one attribution to me!) makes the choices she does in accepting the somewhat dubiously named ‘Whore It Up’ award. Though why she would is utterly beyond me, given the image she tries to project, but
[interrupting] No, you know *precisely* why I accepted the award
SC: Yes, and frankly I couldn’t be more embarrassed about it! You have a perfectly good, academic brain, a plethora of life experiences worth blogging about and sharing…and instead you choose to use this as a platform for ‘The Golden Sideboob’ – an award you CREATED, without any kind of reference to me, using that revolting id and somehow utterly bypassing any kind of censorship.
The Golden Sideboob’s hilarious. People love it. I’ve already had about ten acceptances. They’ve put it on their Facebook pages; their blogs; they’ve Tweeted about it! It’s developed new connections for me and brought new people into the ‘reach’ of the blog. It’s an epic, awesome award, and you’re just jealous you weren’t part of it – I mean, look how FUNNY it is! Perky, Golden, Totally unaligned and very obviously Made On MS Paint With No Talent – it’s an award designed to subvert the more traditional awards and be taken absolutely tongue-in-cheek as a nod to the sometimes ridiculous rules and regulations and the very slightly incestuous feel the ‘serious’ awards seem to assume.
|Rules: 1. Be brazen enough to display it. 2. Pass it on to one person|
SC: It’s disgusting. And you’ve been leading people on pretending like it’s your sideboob, or you’ve been hanging out around their house with a zoom lens – honestly – when did you get so vulgar just to be liked? You’re better than this, I’m almost sure of it. In any case, perhaps the name of the new award fits you just fine!
Are you impugning my character?
SC: Up on your banner for the Considerings Facebook Page it says ‘Deep Thinking, Truth-Telling and actively Seeking the Good in life’. The way you’ve been parading yourself lately is more like ‘Base Thinking, Lies and Actively Being an Idiot’
…when you’ve *quite* finished. There’s an award to attend to – look.
SC: Nice try at sidestepping. I’ll have words with you later. The award, the award. Uhn – the rules, please? I can do nothing without those.
Well it was created by The Insomniacs Dream and is actually about movies, not whoring, cos when you’re up all night, there’s nothing like a good film to keep you going. So I have to describe the movie of my life, what genre it is, what the setting is, and who would play me.
SC: So it’s marginally less ridiculous than your award. I suppose we can get some mileage out of that. Go on then – what’s the movie and the genre? You provide the answers and I’ll provide the insight.
I thought something really funny like Jackass, because I do love pranking people and being a bit ‘out there’ and outrageous.
SC: It’s going to be a long night. You are WRONG. It’s not Jackass. You’ve not even seen Jackass. It’s one you wanted to watch and then never did, mostly because it’s SO beneath you (read, ME) to endure. It’s not big. It’s not clever. And every time you watch Steve-O stapling his scrotum to his thighs, you drop a few more IQ points.
But the pranking! The funnies! I don’t have to have *seen* the film to use it analogously, right?
SC: It would help if you would – I’d have far more to work with. You’re not that hardcore of a prankster and to be honest your attempts at ‘outrageous’ and ‘out there’ often fall flat. People humour you because you’re young and inoffensive. Kind of like the group of teens who indulge the cute five-year old who wants to entertain them. In the same way, you’ll be sent packing in your turn when they get bored. You’re better sticking with the Real Things. You have an awful lot of life experience under your belt – your childhood living in a household plagued by depression? Your boyfriend (now Husby) getting Type 1 Diabetes after a virus and still choosing him as your life partner? Your miscarriages? Your infertility? Your amazing writing which has touched so many people and (by all accounts) brought them some shred of comfort, solidarity and advice?
*pouting* But I’m funny
SC: My dear, you try. You’re better when you stick to Truth though.
There’s a little too much Truth in the things you talk of . I want this to be a movie people enjoy, not one they leave wanting to kill themselves!
SC: Fair point. Any other suggestions then?
How about something like Notting Hill? That’s got some funny AND some heartbreak. I could settle for that.
SC: An excellent choice. Finally showing some taste. And it’s a good, old film as well – you show discretion in choosing something which many people will have watched. That makes you far more likely to keep their attention beyond this point. Not to mention the cross-cultural nature of the film – your audiences in the UK and the US are likely to know of it and understand your references. Well done.
I did NOT choose it just to APPEAL to people. I chose it because I thought it could work! The heartbreak! The funny! Were you even listening?
SC: Yes, but you managed to make those points without me – rather stepping on my toes, I might add! I thought I could provide further explanation. Move on, please, I think we should discuss the next aspect; a setting.
In Space, aboard Voyager, please. Because that can include the infertile bit, see! They get lost in the Delta Quadrant and are forced to face an uncertain future without (in large part) their Significant Others, and although it’s rarely touched upon, it *is* at least looked at sideways.
SC: Riiiight. Surprisingly (even to me) I’ll let you have that one. A pretty well considered response. There’s hope for you yet!
Gee, thanks! So last of all, the actress who gets to play me (lucky thing – she’ll make millions!) I was thinking (seeing as I’m a little to youthful for it to be Angelina Jolie any more, how about Megan Fox?
SC: Interesting. So we’re straight back into Insecurity Land, are we? You want people to imagine those actresses in their heads, take the hook you’ve left and begin to associate you with them? Are you kidding? Give me strength! This, after I’ve just said you were able to think! I am clearly not doing my job at all well, and you and I need to be in MUCH closer contact. I can’t have this! I have a reputation to uphold. Now be sensible!
What, just because they’re pretty, you don’t think they can act?
SC: Megan Fox…!
Okay, but Angelina’s very talented and easily able to do funny and very sad. You MUST have watched with me – Changeling? Girl Interrupted? Mr & Mrs Smith? Any of these ringing any rather large bells of capability? Why are you such a freakin’ misogynist? You automatically assume that if a girl is pretty, she’s stupid, and if she’s smart, she must be ugly. I completely resent you trying to insinuate that I should be played by some troll, just because you’ve a higher opinion of my brains than my looks.
SC: [interrupts] Oh here we go…
Let’s put YOU in the spotlight for a second, shall we, because I’ve had it with your negativity, buster. I don’t know why you’re such a force for snarkiness, or why you’re male (and apparently consider yourself *quite* the gift to mankind) but it’s not on. I’m the one whose brain you’re part of, it’s NOT the other way around, and you just behave yourself and be nice to me for ONCE or I’m going to go and watch Steve-O staple ALL KINDS OF THINGS AND WATCH YOU SCREAM!
SC: You wouldn’t!
I absolutely would. Be very careful what you say next.
SC: Maybe….Anna Kendrick
SC: She’s maybe a little young
Thin ice. With heated blades…
SC: Waitwaitwait..let me finish…But that’s FINE because she’s lovely and funny and can equally well manage to pull off the hilarity and the level of emotion you’re seeking. And she’d make you look young, and your bloggy friends would all be jealous because they’d have to choose someone like Dame Maggie Smith to play them.
Flattery will get you nowhere if you upset my friends. You’re just so incredibly unkind! Why is that?
SC: Well I picked up a lot of bad habits in childhood, and…
We’re SO done! Off to the chaise-longue with you. You can have your 50 minutes another time.
Ladies and Gentlemen, if you can bring yourself to do it, after that display, a round of applause (sardonic, slow clapping would be encouraged) for myyyyyyyyy Sub-Conscious! Who finally made one right move – in the film of my life, I would *totally* be played by Anna Kendrick.
Thank you, and goodnight.
Because this can be construed sideways into ‘creative’ and ‘gender’, it’s going into the Creative Buzz hop.
And because she’s awesomerockin’ and might LOVE reading a massive, long-winded novel of a post like this, it’s going into Elleroy’s ‘I don’t like Mondays‘ hop, too.