7 Quick Takes #41 x FTSF

— 1 —
Finish the Sentence Friday

I have a bad habit of…staying up far, FAR too late than is good for me. Far too many times.

Let me give you some examples.

I’ve developed a reputation for being a ‘Great Late Night IMer’ with such wonderful bods as Kristen and Kristi. Bear in mind (if you will) that ‘late night’ their time is approx 5 hours behind GMT (my time).

WonderAunty now sends me text messages telling me to go to bed (at whatever-past-midnight), and when I argue back that I could be in bed, she sends a follow-up reminding me that she can see the time-stamp on the comments I’m leaving here on Considerings. And tells me to hop it.

Christine has (on occasion) employed a cut-off point after which she may not speak to me at all, in deference to the absolute silliness of the hour I’m *still* awake at.

Rich was incredulous at his first taste of the hours I keep, having bid me goodnight after a long chat, only to return an hour later to find I was still there, chatting away.

I sometimes manage to get my ‘next day’ post into blog hops or daily link-ups first. Or pretty close to the beginning. Link-ups which go live in the morning. In the US.

Husby’s face has begun to take on a look of trepidation every time he asks me what time I went to bed (and presses for the truth when I’m evasive about it)

I often see sunrise. From the other side.

If my sleep debt was with a bank, they would have foreclosed on my everything and I’d be underneath a bridge somewhere in a cardboard box, desperately trying to freeload someone’s wifi.

If I could get the ‘net intravenously, I might just.

The problem is that England’s boring (alright, it’s not really) and I’ve managed somehow to fall in with a group of wonderful Americans, who (to a man) exhibit that wonderful lightness of being and joie de vivre which makes them so attractive to hang out with.

My American friends come online ready for their evening as I (should) begin to think about shutting down the computer and going to bed. And it sucks, because I feel like the little kid in the gang who gets called home early for a bath and bed, while the big kids – the cool kids, get to stay out late, driving around the town by streetlight, carousing and having fun.

I’ve not got the start date for my new job yet, but I know that when that fateful day arrives, it will mark the end of (most of) my indulgent evenings online, kidding myself that I really can be in their gang. Because from then, I’ll be relegated to the sidelines, kunckling under the new ‘early night regime’, watching with envy from my bedroom window as they fling their bags into their cars, exchange high-fives and zoom off into the night together to have fun without me.

— 2 —

My Big Reveal happened on Tuesday – I had an article published over at ScaryMommy.com. It was *SO* well received I slightly frightened myself. Judging by the comments and the shares, it tapped into something pretty damn big, very real, and still rather taboo.

Judge for yourself: Coping with Miscarriage

And (to brag a little because it was *so* incredible) a screenshot of the social media stats from the end of the first day. To some this may be small, small dice, but as I am only a baby-blogger, I was suitably impressed.

— 3 —

On that point, (the point where I step up once again to my soapbox and try to bring a little sunshine (Andi – if you ever read this, I *totally* only just got that) to the topic of miscarriage, which is still plagued with taboo, mystery and unfamiliarity) I’d love to give a massive shout-out to Katia, who blogs at I am the milk, whose series of donated posts surrounding miscarriage have been nothing short of incredible.

In-CREDIBLE.  I absolutely promise.

And not just because I was involved. I am honoured to feature amongst truly great writers.

— 4 —

The other person well-deserving of merit and more shouting out than I can manage alone is the ever-gorgeous Kristi, whose heart is so massively compassionate that her desire to make the world a better place spilled out over her blog and created an entirely new world: Our Land – a place of empathy and wonder, where the marginalised, the overlooked and the misunderstood can stand strong, lift their voice and proclaim unity, togetherness and a desire to open the minds of those in the dark about such issues as disability, immigration, miscarriage and infertility, autism, belonging and fixing it so that we *all* can be a part of this magical, vital place.

— 5 —

Syphylissa (Niece’s creepy doll from the fair, which I refuse to let her have) displays a new disgusting habit nearly every day now! Insufficient for her, the ‘go-go-juice’ so adored by Honey Boo-Boo types everywhere…no, no, she has to go the whole hog.

— 6 —

So I stopped in the middle of writing this to attend a fertility appointment. If you don’t fancy a downturn in mood, skip ahead to #7. Consider yourself amply warned.

We arrived late, having somehow marked down the wrong time from the letter (in spite of double checking it at the time – either it was me or the NHS admin) and were whizzed straight in, accompanied by glares from the nurse, having just avoided Did Not Arrive status.

The fertility specialist gave us his usual limp handshake and asked how Husby was doing. He clicked a few buttons on the computer and printed some referral forms for us to fill out our details on, so that they can be sent away (now I meet criteria (by being 30) and *might* be eligible for fertility treatment). He then tried to cheerily send us away.

“Wait, can I just ask about a few things?” he looked disgruntled (we were late, after all) and responded minimally to my query about whether the clinic had anything to do with embryo adoption, saying that we should explore the possibility of conceiving our own first.

And back into the goodbye routine.

“I had my ultrasound a while back – was that all alright?” a distinctly annoyed look flashed across his face. “I hadn’t looked – let me just bring it up on the computer. Nope, it’s all fine.”

We were out of there within five minutes.

And while it’s true to say that I had purposely worked hard at not building up any hopes about this appointment, I had kind of hoped for a *little* more than to be sent away like a naughty child with some homework to get back to him (on closer inspection, much of the detail is his to fill in – I am merely saving him some paperwork time)

So on the way home, I tried to be brazen about it. And failed.

I tried to explain it to Husby with a quote that one of the ladies at You, Me and Infertility posted:

“Infertility is like giving up your dreams one step at a time. First you give up the idea of ever getting pregnant in the backseat of a Chevy like all your other friends did. Then you give up getting pregnant on your honeymoon. Then in your own home. Then without anesthesia. I guess the next part’s a little rougher. You give up the dream of ever feeling your child move inside you. You give up dreams you never even knew you had, like looking into the cradle and seeing your mother’s eyes or your daddy’s smile or your grandmother’s hands. And I guess eventually you give up the dream of ever having some little child’s voice call you mommy.”
— Deidre Hall

I paraphrased, but his response “Wow! That’s stark!” was absolutely right. It is absolutely bleakly, horrendously, barrenly stark.

He then admitted that he understood ‘it’s hard for me’. Well, no kidding. And thanks for the understanding.

He’s still so good at putting it from his mind – at closing the lid on it and leaving it to one side until the ever-present question mark can finally be answered. And I’m so not.

It took one blackberry, gathered on the way home to test the ripeness.

It was tart and too sour yet, but reminded me that we love making home-brewed wine.

Reminded me that there’s wine in the cupboard.

Reminded me that it takes the edge off the screaming and screaming in my head.

Reminded me that I’m developing a crutch.

Reminded me that I’m not sure if I care.

Reminded me that oblivion (no matter the after-effects) is at least time out from being in my brain.

Reminded me that a sea of booze won’t bring back my Neverborns or Husby’s fertility.

Reminded me that it helps anyway.

Reminded me that I’m afraid.

My sweet friend, Shanique, sent me this song, which made me cry so hard, but which I love as equally as I wish it wasn’t relevant to me, or to anyone.

And on Twitter, Veronica Valli was advertising her alcohol-awareness post ‘Are you frightened too?

And for now, I haven’t gone back for a second drink. And I’m gonna try to keep it that way.

[Edit: I didn’t have the second drink. I went for ice-cream and spent time with people. And it helped.]

— 7 —
Join us this weekend for Ten Things of Thankful. I know I definitely need them this week.

Ten Things of Thankful

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!


49 thoughts on “7 Quick Takes #41 x FTSF

  1. Ridiculous'o'clock. Like 4 or 5am. I am *too* addicted to Americans (well, American friends, not all Americans…y'know)

    For Christmas I got given the box set of STVoyager and could NOT stop watching it. That was probably my quietest ever time online! I never really 'got' The Office though. I know so, so many people love Ricky Gervaise and…just not my cuppa tea, I guess.

    Reading puts you to sleep? Damn, girl, you're reading the wrong books! I'm worse with them than I am with Twitter! XD


  2. So how late are you staying awake? I've been up until 1 or 2am lately watching The Office. I've been getting each season of the show at the library and I spend way too much time watching it. I tend to get off the internet by 11:30 or midnight. I can't wait until I'm done with The Office, so I can get back to reading which usually puts me to sleep within 20 minutes. 😉


  3. The chat thing is HILARIOUS, and there's nothing like a well-timed dose of self-induced insomnia.

    Syphylissa will now be my whipping-girl for any future outbursts. I'm banned from the booze cupboard, promise.

    It was highly annoying (all round, probably) but very disappointing.

    My reaction concerns me too. I'm coming up with a strategy…

    *hug* You and I will have to hold one another accountable for these things, mm?


  4. Sounds like a good dose of self-induced insomnia. I can sometimes be up into the wee hours of the night chatting with friends close and far. I love just being up, but trying to change it some and figure out this fatigue situation.

    It's funny some cut off chats lol Pretty hardcore.

    I really think you and Syphylissa need to seek couples therapy!

    I skipped to #7

    But not really.

    That experience with the Dr. sounds incredibly annoying. I am not sure how late you were, but depending on appointments I could maybe see the need to rush along, but a lot of times Drs, even if booked, seem quick in-out like. I suppose you don't have many options with specialists? That would be unfortunate 😦

    That quote seems odd to me, but only because I've never known anyone wanting to get pregnant in most of those situations (so maybe there is a sarcasm I fail to catch), but I get the message.

    The drinking aspect is what concerns me. I recall in an earlier post (a Bday post) I remember the drinking episode taking place, and now with the earlier post saying drinking has brought you two closer as a couple (hubby, not Syphylissa)… it all just sounds a bit dangerous. I'm glad you avoided another drink and hit some ice cream instead, but I can't lie and say that I am not worried about it.

    Hopefully you maintain the control, balance, and moderation…


    Jak at The Cryton Chronicles & Dreams in the Shade of Ink


  5. I (apparently) now have people who tell me off…but I figure if you've the morning free to lie-in, who does it really harm?

    Yes I couldn't agree more. He could do with some 'Compassion Training' (would that such a thing existed, would MORE that it didn't need to exist…)

    Thanks for the congrats – it's still very exciting 🙂


  6. I have had people that I talk to online ask “Do you ever sleep?” I spend too many late nights on the computer.

    It's sad that a doctor dealing with infertility isn't a more compassionate person. He has to know it is a very emotional time for his patients.

    Congratulations on your post.
    That's so exciting to have a post that goes big.


  7. Thanks Ruchira. Life's not terribly balanced, but what would it be like without a challenge?

    Not sure where enlightenment would take me, but I'll bear it in mind, thanks.

    And WOW! I was so impressed with how kind Jill was to feature me, and really glad she did. Thank you 🙂


  8. I like how you are balancing your life. I am sorry for what you are going through.

    Lizzi, each person has problems in their life, and honestly this could be a sign for you to go on a path that leads to enlightenment.

    I am happy for you to be showcased on SM, and that song was tearful indeed.



  9. Thanks Cyndi.

    Do go to a doctor. Find out. It might be easy to fix and then you'd kick yourself for time wasted.

    (Totally know what you mean. Am very much in the 'self-protective' stage of “It's not gonna happen”. I've been through darker stages. They happen.)

    With SM – I promise, it is less to do with my writing and more to to with my absolute bare-faced cheek in emailing (the SO generous and kind and wonderful) Jill Smokler and kinda telling her she should publish my story. Well, more or less precisely telling her she should publish my story. Be brazen – it sometimes pays dividends.

    (But yes to the very, painfully relevant) Thanks 🙂


  10. Hmm…I love your writing. You're going to make a good novelist, I swear.
    Okay, so no, I haven't visited a doctor yet for conclusive evidence that we can't conceive, but everything you said in that poem sounds about right.
    I've been telling everyone I don't think it's going to happen. It's like a dare…I'm daring the universe to make it happen because I know it won't. Sick, I know.
    But, that photo up there from ScaryMommy's blog: holy crap! I've written over 300 posts on my blog and over 200 articles for other site and I've NEVER had stats like that. Must mean you're a natural and doing some awesome blogging and bringing relevant content to people. 😉 Go you! Haha.


  11. Oh good, I knew I couldn't be the only one, Lisa! Thank you 🙂

    I'm glad you like Syphylissa so much. Perhaps she does deserve her own FB page…it would be far easier to keep all the photos in once place XD

    The SM post still has me staggered! As does the fertility guy, for different reasons. Still, am not in imminent danger of drinking today, so I feel it's been a reasonably quick bounce-back 🙂


  12. From one fellow night owl to another, congrats on your SM post success!! That's AWESOME!!! I'm sorry that fertility doctor is an asshat. Jeeze.
    Thank you for introducing me to Syphylissa. Every time I think of her I laugh out loud for 5 minutes. –Lisa


  13. In retrospect, so am I. I could certainly have done with it, but a large part of my brain realises I've embarked upon a path I really do NOT want to continue down. Thanks for the offer – I'll let you know when I reckon I need an intervention 🙂

    (and don't tell anyone, but ice-cream's alright. Nice, but the people and the company were more what I went for. I still like ice-cream better than I like chocolate though)

    Thanks for the commiserations. It was just a crappy appointment and I don't think anything could've made it better apart from the specialist having a better attitude.

    I'll not get rid of her. She will continue to feature, but the idea of a facebook page is not one I'd considered!


  14. Karen I'm sorry you had such a crappy experience too. What *is* it with that sector of medics? You'd think there'd be some form of empathy training they'd need to go through, seeing as this is such a deeply painful thing!

    But your story made me laugh, and I love that you get to embarrass your daughter that way (*especially* in front of friends!) and hope that some day I can say the same kind of thing.

    And the conveying. Very tough, and one of the reasons I write.

    Thank you for your comment and sharing your story with me. I really appreciate it.


  15. She's fun to play with, even though she's possibly possessed 😉 A great bit of fun to toy with (and still nasty from the fair – must try to disinfect her at some stage).

    Aw thanks – I was just so honoured to be featured in it – it's such marvellous work you're doing and I (well, I won't say I loved being part of it, because of the reason I was able to participate but) was very pleased to be involved and to keep bringing the awareness.

    Yeahh it's not good. It's not sustainable. And I'm slightly pissed about that. If I could switch off half my brain at once and never sleep, I'd totally do it.

    And yes. I am very cross at the dismissive way we were treated. And the fact it flung me back into the Dark Side. He sucks, but he's our only chance.


  16. SO glad you didn't go back for the second drink…maybe Christine and I can take turns IMing you if you keeps you from doing so. And BTW ice cream is always WAY better than alcohol, so you made the better choice anyway.

    Sorry to hear that your appointment was “less than stellar”…and I know there's nothing I can say to make it so. So instead I shall commiserate with you, dear friend.

    On an entirely separate note, while I still find her creepy, you CANNOT get rid of Syphylissa now. She's an little laugh when you least expect her. Maybe she needs her own FB page? 🙂


  17. Fertility docs suck, by and large. Our first basically dismissed all my concerns (such as that I wasn't ovulating) and wanted us to go straight to donor insemination. After a few years of time-wasting at that clinic, DH finally found us a doc who not only LOOKED at all those charts of mine that indicated I wasn't ovulating regularly, and proposed a different course of action: intra-fallopian insemination with DH's sperm. It wasn't romantic, but at least when we pass the medical building where it all took place, I can embarrass my 19-year-old by telling her, “Hey! You were conceived in that basement!” (This works best when done in front of friends, btw.)

    I really do feel for you, and all couples going through infertility treatment…it's such a terrible roller-coaster, and almost impossible to convey to anyone who hasn't been there.



  18. First of all thank you for the Syphylissa update. I love that she's becoming a regular feature.

    Secondly, thank you SO much for the shout out, Lizzi. You're one of the most generous bloggers out there, really. I was thrilled to feature your wonderfully poignant post on the series.

    Finally, I've been wondering how come you're up when it's 10pm here and you must be about 7 hours ahead?! Mystery solved.

    Finally finally, what a jerk at the fertility clinic. I know how it feels when you're being rushed through a specialist appt, especially in this case. It's kind of a big freaking deal. Jerk.


  19. Bless your heart. Maybe that's the answer then – I'll keep staying up until I'm too old to manage it any more 😉

    How tough though, to have so little time to yourself! There's a silver lining I can grab with both hands. I hope the rest of your summer goes well.


  20. No punches needed, I promise. There have been enough tears around here for one day (okay, two days – I'm still not over it).

    The second drink didn't happen, and your IMs were *so* much appreciated. Been beginning to take a long, hard look at how I'm dealing with this and realising that I've been kidding myself quite a lot about just how fantastically I've been doing. I'll be putting the 'work in progress' signs back up.

    I was always the kid out late, glorying in it. I know just how good it is out there and I don't want to give it up. I'm gonna have a battle (with myself) on this one, I think.

    I'm still astonished each time I go back that more people have read it and found it helpful. It's such a shame that the article has been needed so much! There simply isn't enough like it out there. While it's not as good as a baby, or not being infertile, it is at least a really good silver lining. I'm so pleased it happened.


  21. I wish I could do the staying up late thing – I would get so much more done!!! Especially since we are still on summer break (two more weeks) and my kids are going to bed later than usual which means I get little to no time to myself unless I get up early (which I despise). Something about getting older, though, has made me ore sleep dependent than ever! In fact, Last night I was typing at about 11:00pm (EST) and was about to fall asleep on my keyboard!


  22. I was finally able to sit down and read your guest post. I'm so glad it has been spreading so far. Your words of advice are helping a lot of women. As much as I hate that you have to go through such misery, I'm proud of you for making something positive out of it.

    I was that kid who went to bed while all the other kids played in the street right in front of our house. It's no fun. But as my mom said, “You need to get some sleep!” Don't worry, we aren't all out here having loads of fun without you, talking with each other. (Of course, now that I write that, maybe everybody else is and I'm the one left out.)

    That song…I don't know if I should thank Shanique for introducing me to it, or punch her in the nose for making me cry like that.

    Please, please don't go back for that second drink. I'll IM you all night long if you need me to.


  23. You do very well to get to bed so early Karen. You absolutely have my respect.

    Sorry for setting you off. It's such a rough, horrendous ride that we can never get off. And while your miracle boy is amazing…there's just still no way to stop that hurt. I'm beginning to understand that secondary infertility is just as painful in a whole new set of ways. SO many hugs to you, because in ways, I'm not sure it ever gets better. There is always that loss, that grief, that yearning. And no matter how we try to quash it and get on, it lies beneath the surface waiting to get us at the most inopportune moments.


  24. wow…late for me is 10, maybe 11 once every few months. I do wake up several times in the night…so does that count?

    that quote about infertility is spot on and make me cry, so I apologize if my spelling is off, trying to type through tears. Despite having my miracle, he will be an only. All those years of trying still haunt my emotions.


  25. You done wonderfully 🙂 And it's true, we pick up where we leave off, but there's nothing like 'real time' chat with folk, even if it's across the internet.

    1. There are too many people I'm going to miss for the prospect to be agreeable, even if I can catch up stiltedly, in the morning.

    2. Loving Our Land and will always shout about it somewhere. We need more inhabitants. More people to recognise how wonderful it is. It's incredible.

    3. Something will be done – she's going to baby boarding school soon (or running away to a meth lab – not sure which)

    4. Thank you. And yes it does just suck. My fear at the moment is that we won't be considered eligible for fertility treatment or adoption, which leaves us relying on the medical side of things for a fix…and I have very little confidence in the medical side of things. Thanks for the support though – it all helps 🙂

    5. She is. Did you see her post today yet? She went up another notch of awesome in my book.

    6. *blush* fanx 🙂 You too.

    7. I'm gonna keep being scared. And try not to go there. This 'having a drink when I'm feeling terrible' has the potential to become a crutch…and I fear that's the beginning of a very dangerous road. Even if it is marked out by softer edges and ends in sweet oblivion.

    8. *HUGS*


  26. Wow. Just, wow. Lizzi, my mind is reeling. You took my emotions up and upper and down and sadder and back and hopeful and scared and all over the place. I will not likely do a great job of addressing them all but here's my attempt:

    First, the best thing about social media chats is that they live there forever, blinkingly unread until read, at which time we can reply. Sure, it's not real time real time, but it's good enough. And it works. Trust me. I reply to stuff a day late and we pick up and it's fine, right?

    Second. Thank you so very much for the amazing shout-out for Our Land. I really believe in it and am very thankful that there are those of you, like you, out there who get it. Thank you.

    Third. That baby needs an intervention.

    Fourth. That. Just. Sucks. I hope that the final piece of it is never part of your life. I know that it doesn't help but as a reminder – I myself am adopted and it worked. People even tell me I look like my dad. Sigh. there really are no words. Sending strength and love and prayers to you, my friend. Sigh. I hate that you're dealing with this. So hard.

    Fifth. Shanique is freaking awesome.

    Sixth. So are you.

    Seventh. I don't think you have a problem yet. My brother is a recovered alcoholic. He has never been able to stop at 2. Or at 9. He never stopped. Good for you for being scared early. Truly.

    Eighth (which I had to think on to spell b/c it's late here) (haha as in late for me). Hugs.


  27. She works like a….*mind gone blank*. Hardest working person in the world ever.

    Our Twitter story was so fun. Must get back to that.

    <3 The song helped me lots today <3

    (P.S. am I?)


  28. Congrats on SM.. I did read and weep and I hate having found that song and remembering you.

    You have me up late nights on Twitter writing Twitter stories lol..

    I'm glad you had ice cream and not a second drink.

    Syphy looks like she's getting naughtier by the hour. Methinks she needs an intervention.

    Me loves you 🙂 even though I am BOSS.

    P.S. I think you're favorite again


  29. Thank you, and thank you…

    Perhaps a little sad, but going to bed separately *so* doesn't bother me. I totally don't understand morning people though. Husby's a night owl, just not a completely mental night owl (like me).


  30. Asleep? And missing out on the start of the FTSF hop? Not likely!

    And yes…he really could do with some work on that, but I doubt it'll happen. He's managed to maintain a tepid indifference throughout the entire process. This is just the latest disappointment.


  31. Thanks. I was (still am) kinda stunned by the incredible response, not to mention the incredibly Big Deal that I never knew I was getting myself into when I kinda marched up to Jill and told her she needed to publish my story!

    Hate being left out…perhaps the neurosis about staying up late will grow and become my saving grace!


  32. I am a night owl too. I feel you. I also hate going to bed at a different time than my husband, who is a morning person. I know what you're thinking. It is really hard to be me. J/k.

    Again, mad props for your honesty in describing your struggles with infertility. Sending a cyber hug across the Atlantic.

    And congrats on SM!


  33. I'm so sorry about your disappointing appointment…. you would think a doctor who deals with infertility patients would have a better bedside manner. But congrats on your SM post. and I hope you're asleep!!


  34. (*reading this now….ofc*)

    Thanks – I'm glad it went down so well. I panicked because I hadn't quite understood what a very Big Deal it was, but the response was overwhelming…so many women…so much heartbreak! Am still rather staggered that it touched so many people's hearts.


  35. I'm sure he's a pleasant person, just not very interested. At all. And yes – I got there through referral and that's the end of the line. Gotta wait now til he sends off the paperwork to see if we're deemed eligible.


  36. Congrats on your Scary Mommy post! It was wonderful, and so are you. And if you are five hours ahead of the east coast of the US, then you can chat with us on your lunch hour! And you better not be reading this now, because you should be asleep.


  37. Bless you – ergo the 'sporadic' handle? I've not seen too many doozy tweets off you though, so it mustn't show too badly. You are lucky to be in the same timezone. I would find that so much easier!


  38. Aha well watch that one, Janine – I *was* the colicky baby. Set me a pattern for life, you might say.

    Thanks for all your encouragement and kind words. I am also happy to consider you a friend, and a good one at that – you are full of positivity and warm words 🙂 I've not seen an 'edge' to you yet…just 100% awesomeness.

    (and I LOVE linking up with youse 🙂 – I'm a bit early sometimes though. I'll stick to blaming it on the timezone thing)


  39. If I could go to bed a the crack of dusk I would. You should see me when I'm trying to hang “on Twitter”. Honestly the only thing that keeps me up late IS the internet. I love being in the same time zone with our blogger friends so I feel for you.


  40. I still don't know how you do it staying up so late, but seriously admire you. I usually have to check out by midnight here, because if not I am no good to anyone the next day. That is not to say that I am not up one or two times a night. My body/sleep clock never quite went back after having a colicky baby. But seriously I give you such props for this and am in awe of you on it. You never cease to amaze me though with all your profound thoughts on the certain cards you are dealt and must say I can't even imagine all you do feel, but I just thank you so very much time and again for being so brave, open and honest about all of it. And really am so happy to consider you a friend in this world. So simply put thank you for being just you!!! And thank you for always linking up with us 🙂


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