Right now, yesterday, when life will be twisted

2010 was the year my life changed forever.

I got married and moved out in order to begin living for the first time as a wife.

To say it was a massive adjustment would be a HUGE understatement.

Nonetheless, I was pretty cocky and thought I could handle it.

My world (whilst never that ordered) had never yet been subject to ‘having to share it with a boy’ and the learning curve was…not too bad initially. But then the niggles started. And the misunderstandings. And the miscommunications.

None of this made any better by the fact that Husby was struggling hugely with health problems, which drained him physically and mentally over the next two years, imploded our home life and left us both in very desperate, lonely places, unable to talk properly to each other for all the angers, hurts and rejections which had so rapidly become toxic.

Last summer I nearly left.

I had two good friends around me. Both of whom made me face the stark reality – my fantasy of swanning off and living a hedonistic, self-serving lifestyle somewhere anonymously was Never. Going. To Happen.

They made me acknowledge what I knew (but didn’t want to admit to myself) that I really, truly did want my marriage to work in spite of the fact that, at the time, because of the limitations of Husby’s mental and physical health, I’d have to be the one who ‘carried’ us.

And boy did I.

Then in late 2012 he received his diagnosis (broken endocrine system) and his depression began to be addressed.

We even got to a point where we felt that the timing could be right to have children.

Then began the merry-go-round – one which required strength from places I didn’t know I had, and certainly some strength I didn’t have, to negotiate without falling apart.

His treatment would render us infertile. We had a while – August ’13 was the date they suggested, to give us time to conceive. Then we miscarried*. Then I freaked out about the deadline by which his treatment would begin. Then I miscarried again. And freaked out more. Then his endocrine system performed a pre-emptive strike and took all his fertility. Then we were told that a different treatment *might* restore it. Then his depression nearly widowed me.Β 

At some point, (probably not in this world) I have a few questions about those marriage vows. At what point (when the ‘for worse, for poorer and in sickness’ have swamped your entire marriage) do you get to bargain for the other half?

Which was about the time (in spite of wonderful family, friends and Husby’s best efforts to cope and manage his condition and my grief and loss) that I started drinking. Not often, but occasionally, to obliterate everything.

Because then life could look beautiful and exciting and carefree again for a while

Β But somehow, the alcohol saved my marriage. Communication and healing began to happen. I began to be less afraid. I made a conscious decision not to get back on the ‘will we have children’ rug, having learned that each time I did, it was pulled from under me. And Husby’s been improving too, with treatment.

We laugh together again.

We enjoy one another’s company (most of the time, let’s be realistic)

We work as a team.

We share unspoken moments.

And at the moment, our future – my dream of being a little old couple hobbling down the street, still holding hands – seems bright.

Children there may or may not be. But we are determined to hang onto each other, help one another through and get working on the other half of those vows.

* Remember that ‘Big Reveal’?
I followed a link back to this site one day, where I realised that lots of ‘Mom’ posts had been written, including some very positive, happy ones on ‘why I don’t have children’. I realised that the story of someone struggling to cope with infertility (and very much wanting children, and not at all positive about their lack) was missing. So I emailed the site owner and kinda sorta told her she should include my story (which of course all started with miscarriage, and is what has been published first).Β 

I had NO idea how much of a Big Deal this was until later…when I began to freak out a little.

I was brazen and possibly a little rude in the assumption that this would be alright, but fortunately for me, Jill Smokler is one of life’s generous, kind people. Instead of telling me to take a hike, she listened to me and agreed to read what I sent her. So I got writing. And today my first piece at ScaryMommy.com has been published!


35 thoughts on “Right now, yesterday, when life will be twisted

  1. Sounds like some dark times, and I am really glad you had friends there to help you work through things when it was about to crumble.

    I'm not really sure how to respond to the above with much else. In relationships there are adjustment periods as two individuals more fully mold their lives together. It's important to be strong for one another through hardships and it sounds like you two are.

    Congratulations on the guest post on ScaryMommy (odd coming back to first announcements when seeing them on TToT first). πŸ˜‰

    Jak at The Cryton Chronicles & Dreams in the Shade of Ink


  2. Thanks Katy – that gives me hope.

    And that sound advice of yours – we were given that too, and it's good, good advice. Though yes, a few late nights!

    Husby and I are getting ever better at communicating well – I think it's one of those things that you're never truly 'done' with, but one we're committed to working at.

    Like you, we want our vows to be forever ones.

    Thanks for the hopes and prayers πŸ™‚


  3. I do hope that you'll find those first hard years, where you survived some of the worse things that could happen to a couple, will have given you a really strong foundation to build the rest of your life together πŸ™‚

    Hubby and I have been through similar things over our 30 years of marriage and, even with my health now broken and hubby my carer, the struggles we've been through have made us the best of friends, who have got to the point where we can now laugh at things instead of cry πŸ™‚

    It has given us the strength to face whatever life throws at us, standing together, and fighting the world if necessary. Most of all, though, it has kept us together as a couple.

    For both of us there were times when walking away seemed to be the only way to save ourselves, but we took those vows we made seriously – and we stood by the advice my grandmother gave us on our wedding day: No matter how hard life is, never go to bed on an argument!

    There were times when we stayed up all night hashing things over, but at least we were still communicating πŸ™‚

    My grandmother is gone now, but her advice has stood as the best gift she could ever have given us, as we are still here together 30 years later πŸ™‚

    I hope, and I pray, that you, too, can survive whatever life throws at you πŸ™‚


  4. Thanks Tracy! I have to say, the songs really helped me write the piece. Something about music enables me to tell my story a lot easier than just the words. But I'm glad you enjoyed the songs as well πŸ™‚


  5. Congratulations!!! THat is so awesome and such an amazing piece of writing to make a debut with. Wow.

    Oh – and good songs. All the writing in your post here and there made me forget there were songs… πŸ™‚


  6. This was so beautiful, so touching, that I totally forgot that there was even music involved. Thank you so much for sharing your victory – it gives me hope for someday having a new day myself.


  7. Poor thing? Bilinguality is SUCH a boon! Any kid should be so lucky to be fluent in more than the one. It's one of my regrets that I've never managed to take a second language to fluency and I am permanently in awe of those who have.

    Thank you. That last bit particularly is important to me. I want to continue to do that.


  8. Yeah, well…I did anticipate making the poor thing speak two languages whether there was the desire to or not. lol
    In the same vein, I applaud you. You've moved mountains with your spirit! And you're providing a voice for women who never had one.


  9. Thanks πŸ™‚ Just seems to happen to me around Jen's hop. I blame it all on the music.

    It's an AMAZING song – one of my absolute favourites of theirs (secretly I think it's because Fatboy Slim produced it, and he's totally AwesomeRockin')


  10. A friend whose husband had a series of strokes and became an invalid once said to me, “I know our vows said 'for better, for worse, in sickness and in health,' but I didn't know it would be THIS bad.” But it's a good thing we don't have a crystal ball, or we never would try anything.

    And now I'm going to think of you every time I hear, “We Are Young.”



    I know Cyndi, and I can't express how angry I am that your insurance won't help and you're stuck. For all I whine about the NHS, it's a one-shot that we've GOT. Without the system here, we'd be sunk. In fact, without the system here and the amount of meds rattling round our house, we'd be destitute!

    I pray it will happen for you. It's such a hard part of the heart to imagine never being fulfilled.

    And perhaps, but don't adopt until you're well and truly ready (also, surely *any* child of yours would speak Spanish?)



  12. Your hop keeps getting me right between the eyes! I promise I'll do a light-hearted and frivolous one, one of these days! Just seem to come over all musical and out pours a gallon of Truth!

    I'm so *so* thankful for those friends. Life is Good now, and I would've been missing so much.

    And yes – here's to laughter.

    I LOVE THAT SONG! Gives me chills πŸ˜€


  13. You know, I was hit hard by my miscarriage in 2011 (along with my older brother's passing and my beloved kitty dying the same weekend I found out I was miscarrying)…and in a few months, I felt like it was behind me and maybe we could try again. But I was scared. And then I put it off, again. By 2012, I thought, oh well, I don't have health insurance (lovely country we have here)but if it happens, for the first time I'll accept assistance. But it's never happened. Here we are in 2013 and we haven't been using “protection” since 2010.
    I'm sunk. And can't pay to see a doctor, especially with no health insurance (again, lovely country we have).
    I don't know what's wrong. But more and more I desperately wish it would just freaking happen.
    Not in the cards, I'm afraid. And when we finally do get health insurance? I don't know if I want to know what's wrong.
    Sigh. Perhaps we should just look into adopting a kid from Mexico and I'll teach it Spanish. haha


  14. Lizzi,
    This is AMAZING and I love how you did TMTT. I'm glad that you have such good friends who helped you figure out that you truly did want your marriage to work and who rallied around you. You're awesome, my friend. I'm also SO HAPPY that you and hubby found a way to laugh together again. That's big. Maybe the biggest of all. That song by Fun is MY ALL TIME FAVORITE right now.


  15. Not a cop-out πŸ™‚ You know me and comments – a simple 'Nice one' would have satisfied πŸ™‚ You wrote more – bless you πŸ™‚

    I think the thing which is (perhaps) an inspiration (and I'm not sure, and also trying not to get too big headed about being in the same sentence as 'inspiration') is that I'm really NOT all that strong. I'm pig-headed and stubborn and I persevere beyond anything I think possible, but often not from 'strength' so much as 'the alternative is worse'. I'm often very weak, very vulnerable, but also (maybe this is it then?) very honest. Sometimes too much.

    I'm a pragmatist – I realise that for those old couples it won't all have been roses. But if they can weather their trials and still want to hold hands, that shows a unity I'd like a slice of.

    Glad you liked the post over at Jill's. She was so kind to publish me and has been nothing but encouraging. It seems to have had a really positive impact so far, which is wonderful.


  16. Lol πŸ™‚ I'm very, very glad they did, too. I am blessed with wonderfully sensible friends.

    And no, I should imagine not, but as long as the (sometimes) inclination is still there, I want to be part of it.

    Our new married catchphrase is 'we'll get there in the end'.

    (Clark – so sweet! Love it)


  17. I know this seems like a cop-out but I truly do not have the words to say which would express how I feel. You are so strong and amazing and an inspiration for everyone. I agree with Christine…elderly married couples were not always holding hands and it is ok to have those times too. Glad you are feeling on the same page again.

    And LOVED the post on Jill's page as well. Beautiful, heart-felt (as always) and straight-forward. You didn't mince words and sometimes we all need that “tough love” spoken truthfully and fully. Thanks for being obedient to you “gut” and writing what needed to be said.


  18. I just wrote a post-size comment, but I'm just going to leave it at, I'm so glad you had friends who counseled you to stay. Those elderly married couples holding hands most definitely weren't holding hands every day of their marriages. Helping each other through the most difficult times (and sometimes horrendous) is how great marriages are built. It takes two people to do it, and I'm so glad you both are of the same mind to do so.


  19. Thanks Donetta – I do seem to be able to 'write better to music' as it were. I love Alex Clare, too πŸ™‚

    I don't know whether marriage was 'easier' per se – maybe the rest of life was less stressful and less intrusive. I guess we'll never know, but it's so great that your Grandparents were such inspirational people.

    I'll let you know whether or not the first few years were hardest once I've gotten through them! They've certainly been harder than I ever imagined.

    I'm so pleased you have your daughters, but I don't think that pang of loss ever leaves. I can't forsee myself looking back without wishing it had been different if it could possibly have been.

    Thank you for the congratulations – all I can say of that piece is that it's a testament to what a good person Jill Smokler is, that she didn't just send me away with a flea in my ear! I hope you like it πŸ™‚


  20. I love each song you listed during different periods of your marriage. I'm a sucker for Alex Clare. Marriage seems to be more trying these days than they were when my grandparent's were married, until death parted them, and hopefully reunited them. They were 18 years old. Before they got saddled down with the responsibility of raising me, they went through a lot of tough times and still came out together. I admire the fact you have stuck your marriage out. I have always heard the first few years are the hardest. There's the adjustment period, really getting to know someone's flaws, and then managing to love that person more than you dislike them each day. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I have beautiful daughters, 11 & 7, but I had a miscarriage in between and it was heartbreaking for me. I can't imagine the emotions you have been through. I'm glad you found a way through all the pain and resentment and are able to look forward to a future. Congratulations on your first piece at ScaryMommy. I'm going to check it out now.


  21. Seriously, so happy to hear that the two of you made it through to the other side and sounds like you have a pretty wonderful marriage. Let's face it we all have our moments in married life, but if you do indeed love each other, it will see you through the good and the bad times, too!!


Comments are where the magic happens...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s