A reasonable mash-up

Y’know that moment when you realise you’re double-booked? Or that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realise that two things you *really* want to be part of are happening at the same time, on opposite sides of the city?

Hate that.

And I’m thrilled it’s not a common occurrence in the Blogosphere, because it’s possible (with sufficient gumption) to make a pretty good go of a mash-up. Especially when the two things you want to do are blog hops, with prompts. And particularly when one’s about music. And the two are a day apart…

So visit Jen or Kristi for more on Twisted Mix Tape Tuesday
Or Michelle and Tamara for the Creative Buzz hop (Monday)

In the meantime, let me hit the decks and figure out how to 
combine the musical elements of the naughties with the reasons I blog
It’ll be a smash hit!
From 2006, this far-superior remake of (let’s face it, *far* to perky for the lyrics) Mad World describes in a not-half-bad kind of a way the reason I first came to blog. 
I’ve always been a deep thinker, a ponderer of life. My internal world sometimes gets threateningly large, and if you want crazy dreams, incredulous observations or fascinating but not-useful-in-a-‘real’-sense trivia, then I’m your girl.
Check out the Wakefield Doctine. Under most any description of a clark, you’ll find my picture.
Ever the outsider.
Ever hyper-aware of the isolation (though perhaps never sure whether it was self- or other-imposed) and raging silently against it.
Ever second-guessing, and never quite confident enough to just go with the flow, dive in with both feet and act without first considering.
Ever wanting to join in and make friends with the Big Kids, share their easy familiarity, exuberant games and straightforward connections, but always watching, watching…
Considerings provides a receptacle when the thoughts in my head get too much. An outlet; a blank canvas; a vessel to fill. A place to write creatively, to expand my own abilities. And more recently, a platform for sharing the challenges in my life in hopes that somewhere, in someone, will sound the bell of recognition and we might tentatively reach out, like ants, and start exchanging data.
It’s been a delight to see that in this manner (far more than in merely expounding my own thinkings) connections can be made, bonds forged, and slowly, community here has begun to grow.
Perhaps I’m starting to join in…
From 2008, then, a vehicle which shows (lyrically) just how much I now feel committed to Considerings, to the community it’s beginning to grow – to the people I’ve met (and those I’ve yet to meet). 
It’s a tool, and gradually, using it to share the mundane, the profound, the creative and the deeply personal, I am growing, sometimes painfully, sometimes excitedly, always in a way which takes me a little bit more outside my comfort zone and allows it to expand. 
From 2009, the Scissor Sisters help explain the conundrum of Bloggyships
I’m not always sure being outside my comfort zone, and I have found I need a lot of validation to keep going with a positive frame of mind, but equally, I’m beginning to feel comfortable enough with the network of bloggy friends I’ve found and the bloggyships I nurture, that I’ve been able to behave quite differently at times, taking charge, acting with boldness and grabbing at life with both hands outstretched and a smile on my face.
From 2007, then, Paolo Nutini and I are in the same boat. Trying one thing and finding it didn’t work, but gradually beginning to share more of my self (rather than just my thoughts) proved a way in – I began getting to know you all, slowly, hesitantly, through the comment box. 
Then I started joining conversations on other blogs. And blog hops. And the Bloppy Bloggers group on Facebook.
And the sun came out and life got shinier.
Those fears of rejection, those worries about being the oddball, the kook, the loner, the baby of the gang always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, all faded as I found excitement, acceptance, genuine feeling and real friendships. 
I found that humour didn’t always need to be defensive, but that making you laugh was a joyous stand-alone goal.
I learned to take things lightly.
I learned to reach out meaningfully.
I learned to share, and that what’s the most engaging for you is not what I think (well, maybe a little) but my soul in all its facets, poured out through my fingertips, into Considerings, for you to look upon and think “Hey, I *get* this girl”
So thank you for that.
 In 2005, Kanye did a wonderful (bear with me) thing in nearly managing to out-do Ray Charles, with the addition of a funky beat and some funny lyrics.
I haven’t monetised, and I’m not tempted to, but I have become a go-getter. I’ve realised what a wonderful platform this is not only for sharing myself with you, but for writing about important issues (like primary infertility and miscarriage) and I (tentatively at first) sought to join in with what other people were doing, submitting a post to Our Land, and then another at I am the milk, to break down the barriers and taboos I’d encountered.
Lately, I’ve discovered an audacity within me that money couldn’t buy, and my forthcoming guest posts at somewhere quite special were a result of (essentially) marching up to the site owner and telling her she should publish me (I got a massive, terrible shock when I realised just how much of a Big Deal this place is, and the extent of my sheer, bare-faced cheek in doing as I did, but I had a marvellous response from a very gracious lady, who’s publishing me in August, then September, then we’ll see (and no, I’m not telling yet :p))
 So with a final musical visit from 2008, I am left with a challenge.
Feelings.
The ones I know I need to share so you can understand me better, whether through the blog, in the comment box, in live chat on Facebook, or in email. The ones I know in my (fiercely guarded) heart, I need to let you know about, otherwise the connection will be lost – the friendship will fail for lack of emotional input and I’ll forever beat myself up about it because I *know* that it will be on me.
Perhaps you’re good at this. You are confident while expressing the thoughts of your heart and if it doesn’t go well, you’re staunch enough to take it (perhaps with a wince) and carry on. Perhaps it doesn’t occur to you to be afraid, or maybe everything’s about emotion and you revel in that world.
For me, the soul and the thoughts can be bared with ease, but the heart (the one which wants to tell you so much) is locked away tighter than you could imagine.
I’ve been trying to change this lately, with a new series of posts, but even the creative way of doing it through fiction means that emotions, though expressed, are not true, and can be kept at arm’s length.
Further change is necessary.
Because the thought of being vulnberable, of being Real About Feelings, of letting my guard down and letting you see how much and how deeply I feel (behind those closed shutters) is terrifying.
I don’t do it in Real Life, never mind online, where I can’t regulate it so well (though I’ll admit it’s easier to write, hit ‘send’ and not have the microsecond of anxiety as what I’ve said registers on your face, then the pulse-pounding, ground-trembling wait as you formulate a response).
But I need to. 
Because I need to stop relying on Mr. Mraz (and others) to explain it to you on my behalf.

31 thoughts on “A reasonable mash-up

  1. Cool. I hope you kindasorta enjoyed the new ones 🙂

    Thanks for your encouragement, Jak. I'm trying hard at getting this one right, because I think it's important in a Personal Growth type way.

    I do love the TToT and yes, you're right in that it's to do with feelings. I'd not really looked at it that way, being more in an 'attitude' frame of mind about it.

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  2. It's great that the blog has been able to help you express yourself, even if sometimes being hesitant to do so. You've started the TToT Blog Hop and maintain it so far for 10 weeks and that is a huge accomplishment, and it even associated with expressing feelings of gratitude.

    Talking about feelings of the heart, though, can be a different beast entirely. You seem to be doing it!

    Hopefully you continue to expand your readership and are able to make many new connections as time continues on^^

    I think I knew only two of those songs, so it was nice to experience some different music.

    Jak at The Cryton Chronicles & Dreams in the Shade of Ink

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  3. Hi Jen, thanks so much. I'm trying really hard to be brave and be open, cos without that there's really no point and the connections I make with people will seem…dishonest somehow; certainly more hollow than with the Truth! But frankly, I'm just not good at saying, not what I feel, but how I feel (there is a distinction there…I think) and I've noticed I'm fine to use music to say things for me. Which is awesome and a little chicken all at once.

    I am SO glad that your wonderful musical hop and the prompt from Creative Buzz came together to apply some much-needed pressure to my reluctant self. You are a total rockstar 🙂

    (and so glad you like the songs – I've seen so many of the others' selections and they're SO different than my choices!)

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  4. Well this was frankly amazing. A most wonderful post, both the music and the words. You wove them together so beautifully. And if I had done a list full of actual music from the millenium I would have picked almost all of these songs! As a matter of fact, I'm Yours and Soul Sister were on my list for next week. I am dually impressed my friend! Also for bearing your soul, you are brave, braver than I 🙂

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  5. Thanks – I love those songs – even the Kanye.

    Interesting that you draft so much. I'm rather the opposite – I hit 'publish' and then I panic*, but I rarely edit beyond a spelling or some layout.

    Then I completely brick it until the first, lovely comment comes in full of affirmation (you know – hopefully) and then I begin to unclench about it.

    *only if it's something 'feely' though. For anything else I'm not bothered 😉

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  6. Thanks Kristi. Of all people, I figured you'd be one of the ones who understood – thanks for saying so.

    But yes – that realisation that we're (certainly to some) the cool kids, is baffling, hilarious and secretly very exciting.

    I shall keep trying to share – I really shall.

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  7. phew…I agree with what others have said here — you did an awesome job of combining the two blog hops. Great stuff here, Lizzi!
    …and I LOVE that Scissor Sister song!! 🙂

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  8. I'm used to the 40,000 drafts of posts that may or may not ever see the light of day, but I hate it when I rewrite a freaking comment 87 times. Why? Because I don't like the way it sounds or worry about how it will be received as I repeat over and over to myself “I don't care what people think about me, I don't care what people think about me,” knowing full well it's a lie. 🙂 Blerg.

    Oh. And I liked your song choices. Pretty rad.

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  9. Lizzi,
    What an amazing post, friend! I totally get you and am so glad that I do. You're right…as Clarks, it's easy to sit and watch and wonder. But I think we're all learning that we are all the cool kids – cool kids write and blog and make amazing connections online. Oh and that song Mad World. One of my favorites (the Gary Jules version of course). Great music and I, for one, commend you on your efforts to share your true heart. It's a good one for sure and yours is a voice that should be heard.

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  10. It would *so* work if we had those over here 😉 Fortunately my innate keenness for American Candy stands me in good stead and I know what you're on about :p

    Nice to meet you, clark – you can join the bar in the little 'town' we're creating over at the WD – Kristi, Dyanne, Zoe and I could do with more people to create drama with

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  11. I know he's not everyone's cup of tea 🙂 And quite the controversial chap these days!

    Thanks for the feedback on the writing though (the more important bit, really). Always good to make connections and recognise “Hey, I'm like that” in someone new 🙂

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  12. List-wise, you had me up until Kayne. Post-wise, you had me straight through till your very last word! A very illuminating look into you, and a relief to see again that there's more of “us” out there than we sometimes think =)

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  13. Yes, that was quite serendipitous really XD

    When one writes…there's something a little transcendent involved. You can't just slam stuff in willy-nilly (well you can, but it rarely works) – things have to be very…Considered. Mindful. I sometimes feel you and I are facets on the same something in this…

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  14. I also love my blog for making me think deeply and having an outlet for my ideas, and something that is just for me. And I love how you've connected the music to deeper issues – Gold Digger and monetization – brilliant! 🙂

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  15. We will grow. I *will* get this.

    You are the one trailblazing for shrugging off the isolation and becoming (if not the life of the party, then certainly part of the soul)

    Glad you liked it.

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  16. Nice.

    Yeah, we people have the advantage and disadvantage:

    a) as Outsiders we have perspective that permits genuine creativity*

    2) as Outsiders we are standing on the outside and sometimes the light from the party indoors is kinda dim out here in the backyard

    Enjoyed reading your Post.

    Hey! Michelle!!

    …Dyanne

    *as opposed to talented re-arranging of things

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  17. Thanks 🙂 I began with the Creative prompt (so simple, yet so compelling – GREAT one) and (knowing my proclivity for being terrible at expressing my emotions) thought “Hey, I can do this much better with music”

    The further I went on, though (having found some of my faves from the Naughties) the more I realised that I need to stop letting the music speak for me – enter the challenge of personal growth. Which is uncomfortable, but hey, comfort zones are for pushing the envelope on, right?

    Hope you enjoyed the songs 🙂

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  18. This has to be one of the most brilliant mashups that I've witnessed. Thank you for letting us peak into your innerworkings. It's a vulnerable place to be, but you know you're surrounded by support. And thank you for taking the Creative Buzz Hop with you on this journey. Now, I have to go back and listen to all the songs.

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  19. Yes…that was rather the worry. Too worrying. I need to desensitize and learn to shrug at these things with a look of insouciance.

    Practice makes perfect.

    I'm glad you liked the mash-up.

    Me too.

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  20. After reading this, I cannot imagine why you hesitated even a second before hitting “send.” But as you and I are birds of a feather, I can understand how vulnerable you feel when putting yourself out there for all to see.

    And your mash up was very well executed!

    I cherish our growing friendship…

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  21. Thanks Janine. It was one of those uncomfortable moments where you think “Ah, I see how” followed by “Oh crap, not sure I don't wish I hadn't seen a way”

    🙂

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  22. Thank you Michelle. That's very helpful (and very calming) feedback.

    Half the time I know what I feel and am too…inhibited to say. Tie myself up in knots, y'know?

    Thank you for hosting the hop – it's been a landmark point. Perhaps.

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  23. LIzzi, I'm glad your blog gives you the outlet for expression! I guess we all find it hard to be honest about what we feel at times, and perhaps we don't even know what we're feeling until we stop to really think about it.

    The feelings come through, and you're definitely expressing them so well here!!

    Like

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