Y’know that moment when you realise you’re double-booked? Or that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realise that two things you *really* want to be part of are happening at the same time, on opposite sides of the city?
And I’m thrilled it’s not a common occurrence in the Blogosphere, because it’s possible (with sufficient gumption) to make a pretty good go of a mash-up. Especially when the two things you want to do are blog hops, with prompts. And particularly when one’s about music. And the two are a day apart…
So visit Jen
for more on Twisted Mix Tape Tuesday
In the meantime, let me hit the decks and figure out how to
combine the musical elements of the naughties with the reasons I blog
It’ll be a smash hit!
From 2006, this far-superior remake of (let’s face it, *far* to perky for the lyrics) Mad World describes in a not-half-bad kind of a way the reason I first came to blog.
I’ve always been a deep thinker, a ponderer of life. My internal world sometimes gets threateningly large, and if you want crazy dreams, incredulous observations or fascinating but not-useful-in-a-‘real’-sense trivia, then I’m your girl.
Check out the Wakefield Doctine
. Under most any description of a clark, you’ll find my picture.
Ever the outsider.
Ever hyper-aware of the isolation (though perhaps never sure whether it was self- or other-imposed) and raging silently against it.
Ever second-guessing, and never quite confident enough to just go with the flow, dive in with both feet and act without first considering.
Ever wanting to join in and make friends with the Big Kids, share their easy familiarity, exuberant games and straightforward connections, but always watching, watching…
Considerings provides a receptacle when the thoughts in my head get too much. An outlet; a blank canvas; a vessel to fill. A place to write creatively, to expand my own abilities. And more recently, a platform for sharing the challenges in my life in hopes that somewhere, in someone, will sound the bell of recognition and we might tentatively reach out, like ants, and start exchanging data.
It’s been a delight to see that in this manner (far more than in merely expounding my own thinkings) connections can be made, bonds forged, and slowly, community here has begun to grow.
Perhaps I’m starting to join in…
From 2008, then, a vehicle which shows (lyrically) just how much I now feel committed to Considerings, to the community it’s beginning to grow – to the people I’ve met (and those I’ve yet to meet).
It’s a tool, and gradually, using it to share the mundane, the profound, the creative and the deeply personal
, I am growing, sometimes painfully, sometimes excitedly, always in a way which takes me a little bit more outside my comfort zone and allows it to expand.
From 2009, the Scissor Sisters help explain the conundrum of Bloggyships
I’m not always sure being outside my comfort zone, and I have found I need a lot of validation
to keep going with a positive frame of mind, but equally, I’m beginning to feel comfortable enough with the network of bloggy friends I’ve found and the bloggyships I nurture, that I’ve been able to behave quite differently at times, taking charge, acting with boldness and grabbing at life with both hands outstretched and a smile on my face.
From 2007, then, Paolo Nutini and I are in the same boat. Trying one thing and finding it didn’t work, but gradually beginning to share more of my self (rather than just my thoughts) proved a way in – I began getting to know you all, slowly, hesitantly, through the comment box.
Then I started joining conversations on other blogs. And blog hops. And the Bloppy Bloggers group on Facebook.
And the sun came out and life got shinier.
Those fears of rejection, those worries about being the oddball, the kook, the loner, the baby of the gang always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, all faded as I found excitement, acceptance, genuine feeling and real friendships.
I found that humour didn’t always need to be defensive, but that making you laugh was a joyous stand-alone goal.
I learned to take things lightly.
I learned to reach out meaningfully.
I learned to share, and that what’s the most engaging for you is not what I think (well, maybe a little) but my soul in all its facets, poured out through my fingertips, into Considerings, for you to look upon and think “Hey, I *get* this girl”
So thank you for that.
In 2005, Kanye did a wonderful (bear with me) thing in nearly managing to out-do Ray Charles, with the addition of a funky beat and some funny lyrics.
I haven’t monetised, and I’m not tempted to, but I have become a go-getter. I’ve realised what a wonderful platform this is not only for sharing myself with you, but for writing about important issues (like primary infertility and miscarriage) and I (tentatively at first) sought to join in with what other people were doing, submitting a post to Our Land
, and then another at I am the milk
, to break down the barriers and taboos I’d encountered.
Lately, I’ve discovered an audacity within me that money couldn’t buy, and my forthcoming guest posts at somewhere quite special were a result of (essentially) marching up to the site owner and telling her she should publish me (I got a massive, terrible shock when I realised just how much of a Big Deal this place is, and the extent of my sheer, bare-faced cheek in doing as I did, but I had a marvellous response from a very gracious lady, who’s publishing me in August, then September, then we’ll see (and no, I’m not telling yet :p))
So with a final musical visit from 2008, I am left with a challenge.
The ones I know I need to share so you can understand me better, whether through the blog, in the comment box, in live chat on Facebook, or in email. The ones I know in my (fiercely guarded) heart, I need to let you know about, otherwise the connection will be lost – the friendship will fail for lack of emotional input and I’ll forever beat myself up about it because I *know* that it will be on me.
Perhaps you’re good at this. You are confident while expressing the thoughts of your heart and if it doesn’t go well, you’re staunch enough to take it (perhaps with a wince) and carry on. Perhaps it doesn’t occur to you to be afraid, or maybe everything’s about emotion and you revel in that world.
For me, the soul and the thoughts can be bared with ease, but the heart (the one which wants to tell you so much) is locked away tighter than you could imagine.
I’ve been trying to change this lately, with a new series of posts, but even the creative way of doing it through fiction
means that emotions, though expressed, are not true, and can be kept at arm’s length.
Further change is necessary.
Because the thought of being vulnberable, of being Real About Feelings, of letting my guard down and letting you see how much and how deeply I feel (behind those closed shutters) is terrifying.
I don’t do it in Real Life, never mind online, where I can’t regulate it so well (though I’ll admit it’s easier to write, hit ‘send’ and not have the microsecond of anxiety as what I’ve said registers on your face, then the pulse-pounding, ground-trembling wait as you formulate a response).
But I need to.
Because I need to stop relying on Mr. Mraz (and others) to explain it to you on my behalf.