Ok, so apparently I suck at resolutions, even the ones which only last a week.
I truly had wanted to do my ‘Ten Things of Thankful’ every day for one measly week, but yesterday evening and I had different ideas.
Husby and I have been taking the CAP Money Course (that sounds like a bigger endeavour than it has been – it’s three Wednesday evenings (yesterday was the middle week) and they give us tea and homemade cake) but the state of our finances has been a consistent source of stress and anxiety. For me. Husby seems once again to be doing his ‘head-in-the-sand’ or ‘head-in-the-clouds’ or ‘truly-just-chilled-about-the-situation’ thing. And again, that’s winding me right up.
So in spite of it being his birthday, and in spite of making the whole day as nice as sunshine pie for him, I ruined it all in the evening by having a big ol’ temper tantrum.
Properly, biggly big.
Much of it comes back to the problem of money, which is inevitable when Husby’s off sick and I’m a student about to leave the course, with no job in place. Part of it also comes from the ridiculous way said things are being managed (council denying they’ve had change of address forms, so stopping Husby’s help; me driving the hour to college to find they’ve no lectures planned – that kind of thing). The upshot is that in a month, we won’t be able to make most of our bills.
Part of it comes from guilt that, had I just sucked it up and slogged on and not tried to do something I enjoyed, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Nor would we be so reliant on family helping us out every five minutes (happy though they are to do it).
And part of it came from frustration that the internet was slow. That ol’ devil frustration – the one which I respond to the tiniest touch of. One hint of sass from an inanimate object and I not only hit the ceiling, but dynamite through it and end up in outer orbit in a matter of moments. Suffice it to say the laptop ended up slammed to the floor and I ended up told off by Husby as there’s no money for a new one.
Boy was I vile.
In the end I turned to drink (it was too late at night to put into practice any of those ‘dealing with anger healthily’ strategies I’ve been trying to think of – screaming would’ve probably had my neighbours calling the police and going for a stompy walk would probably have seen me getting stabbed (or at least yelled at by leery drunks).
A small tumbler of homemade wine is not gonna do much, I know. I didn’t want drunk, like the other week when we found out Husby’s count before the endocrinologist had had the chance to come up with a plan; I just wanted the edge off.
Course, knowing (as I was doing it) that turning to drink has historically been unhelpful for just about anyone who’s tried it, and doing it anyway, meant that the desired small helping of numb was tempered by no small amount of shame and self-repulsion. Oh the knots we tie ourselves up in!
Just before I fell asleep (grumpily) Husby asked me whether I’d posted my ten things. I petulantly responded that no, there weren’t any.
In a small voice, he asked “Not even the nice birthday dinner?”
Dammit that man knows how to handle me.
So I conceded defeat and reluctantly listed ten things with him. Then grouchily went to sleep.
Yesterday’s Ten Things of Thankful
1. The nice birthday dinner
2. The money course, which is helping us (in spite of throwing up massive anxieties)
3. Ice-cream for dessert
4. Seeing the endocrinologist on Friday to get a new treatment plan
5. The flat
6. Seeing Niece and Neff in the morning
7. Having a great family
8. DVDs to watch for escapism
9. Friends who listen to me whine
10. Soft bed to sleep in.
Thankfully today was leagues better, and there’s #1.
Today’s Ten Things of Thankful
1. I woke up in a good (if sleepy) mood, but by the time I’d got round to my Sis’s house and had some snuggle therapy with Niece and Neff, I was buzzing.
2. Kipper the Dog on Youtube (okay, and Peppa Pig and Mr Tumble)
3. The fact that in spite of being a relatively tiny tot, Niece can use the mouse to choose her next cartoon All By Herself, which frees me up to do other things without being called every five minutes to put on her next viewing choice (instead I am called every 10 to bring food or a drink or because the computer’s “done something” (i.e. she clicked something she shouldn’ta))
4. The ‘other things’ I got to do included 2 loads of laundry (can’t quite compete with Christine yet – there are still all the towels to do tomorrow) and UNPACKING THE SECOND BEDROOM. My goodness that’s been bugging me, and today I just powered through it. There is now space for the second bed (ready for when Husby’s parents come to stay) and the first bed is accessible and it *almost* all looks neat.
5. Glorious, beautiful, darling SUNSHINE, which warmed me up and made me cheerful. How I’ve missed it. It would be unusual, I’m sure, to be diagnosed with SAD in May…
6. Husby helping me when I couldn’t find the bike pump, turning the shed and several cupboards upside down in the effort. After (between us) 6 trips to the shed and back, I found both our bike pumps in the same place – in a bag, in a box in the kitchen. Naturally.
7. Finding season 3 of the Big Bang Theory in a stupid place in a bag bearing no relation to anything else. But it has been found, and it was watched.
8. My explorer friend coming digging with me at the allotment instead of our usual walk (some cardio and arms/torso work rather than the usual legs stuff) and getting a goodly chunk clear of dense weeds and grass.
9. Getting less bitten by bugs than her 😉
10. A delicious dinner of homemade lamb rogan josh(ish) with my friend, Husby and Sheldon & co. And cake.