7 Quick Takes #29 x FTSF

— 1 —
Finish the Sentence Friday

When I was younger I wanted to…have a family. 

I had that naive assumption that my path would somewhat emulate that of my parents (after all, why wouldn’t it? They’re my parents – they know what’s going on – surely this is how life’s supposed to work out?)

I suppose it wouldn’t have helped to know the reality I faced, to have gone back in time and told that little girl that she might as well stop playing ‘Mummies and Daddies’ and shoving the baby up her jumper. That might have made things worse, and I suppose there’s a reason we’re never allowed to know in advance how things are going to work out.

I *will* have a family, though. 

I *will* beat the absolute bottom-fell-out-of-my-world horror that having your dearest and longest-held hopes dashed brings.

I *will* make it through this.

I just wish that when I was younger, I would’ve decided I wanted to be a ‘career person’. That would make the Now a lot less gut-wrenching.
 

#Couldhavebeen

— 2 —

We went to Husby’s endocrine appointment (it seems like the whole of life, much like these quick takes, is all about us not being able to have kids) and the doctor confirmed that, although the medication she can offer can go some way to helping, we’re looking at medically assisted conception.

I need to do some more research and finding out and praying (and chatting to spiritual types) as I’m not entirely sure where I stand on this. Husby and I are both against IVF, though the procedure we’d require  (ICSI) is a more medically intensive procedure with the same results. I think what we’re really against is the chance that life might be created then wasted because of us, so hopefully we’ll get more than one shot at it, and use two fertilised eggs to implant each time (we’re pleading with the doctors on this, as at the moment we’ll only get one shot).

The thing is, in order to get some decent swimmers to add into the mix, if the meds prove less than helpful (or possibly anyway), Husby’s going to have to have them aspirated out of him. I dread to think what this involves, but I’m fairly certain it’ll be large needles and parts of his anatomy which were only ever meant to be treated with care and love.

This is what happens when your ‘Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda’ all comes crashing down around your ears.

At the moment he’s pretty sketchy on whether he even wants to go through with it, and is beginning to query whether it (having children) is worth the hassle of the invasive medical procedures. I’m trying very hard to be supportive of him, but if that line of thought goes too far, I can see us falling out, which is a shame.

— 3 —
On the plus side of not having kids (see, I can find a silver lining almost anywhere, some days) I was able to pop to bed for an hour or so once we got back from the appointment. It was shortly after midday and I thought I’d get up at half 1 to have lunch, then get the washing on, the kitchen cleaned and bemoan the fact that I was missing my best friend and hoping she felt better and up to a visit soon.
Course, not having eaten coupled with a bunch of late nights lately meant that Husby woke me at 5.30pm saying You said you’d give me a lift out now… He at least has a severe endocrine disorder to blame for his tiredness, I just have my own, silly self.
I *need* this shirt
 
— 4 —

I’ve been doing some more thinking on the Finish the Sentence Friday challenge (see #1) and I reckon that actually, the thing to do is look at this as my opportunity to take up the careers which I couldn’t do as a mother.

I wanted to be a train driver, an HGV driver or an ambulance technician.

The thing is, the trains I want to drive (steam) are few and far between and almost certainly have enough Men queuing up to drive them to prevent a girlie from getting in on the action.

The HGV licence costs over £1000 to get. I also think that I’d actually be terrified of being in charge of something that big.

Ambulance technician is something which I could possibly still pursue. I volunteered for a while with St John Ambulance and loved it, although I was never able to take it all that seriously, so perhaps I’d need to start over with a more mature attitude (no more giggling when giving the kiss of life to plastic people, definitely no more ‘saving’ plastic torsos from choking on a piece of cork by pinning them against the wall and punching them in the stomach when the Heimlich manouevre fails (it worked though – I bet he would rather be alive with a sore tum than on the mort slab (if plastic people can ‘rather’ anything)))

Yeahhhh I’m sure I could drive an ambulance, though it might be a little late now for me to train to be the person doing the actual life-saving…

— 5 —

Five weeks ago (or was it six?) I decided to take the plunge and begin the 5:2 diet. I was the heaviest I’d been since getting married (happens to everyone, as I understand it) and in addition to just wanting to look and feel better, there was the added incentive of ‘Yes, we’ll give you fertility treatment but only if you jump through our BMI hoops first’.

Inspired by a friend, and my Mum (who was already doing it and seeing great results) I chose two days each week whereupon I would stop eating by 8pm the night before, skip breakfast and go for as long as I could without breaking the fast, then eat only fruit and vegetables until having a normal meal in the evening.

This, coupled with extra exercise (and not having sufficient money to use the car wantonly) has resulted in a rather resolve-boosting 7lb loss. I’m hoping that this is sustainable as a lifestyle from now on.

— 6 —

Sometimes I get a tune stuck in my head. The way to get it out is (of course) to listen to it. It used to be to play it on the piano, but since I no longer have one (*sob*) I settle with learning to whistle the melody. Tonight’s random tune (which I practiced, like every good amateur, in the shower) was Daft Punk’s ‘Harder Better Faster Stronger’, though in a random twist of fate, it was the melody of the (one of the many) dubstep remix. And I’m not sure why this ended up in my brain, but it’s damn good.

— 7 —
Tomorrow should be good. My Explorer Friend and I are taking my Goddaughter to a nearby city to visit their wonderful Saturday market. I have a small list of Things I Need To Get

  1. Almond croissant for Husby – there’s a particular stall which sells the most sublime, sugar-dust-frosted, squidgy-in-the-middle, flaky, buttery, toasted-almond-bedecked creations. They are his cocaine.
  2. Olives for my Goddaughter. She’s a lovely kid with weird sophisticated tastes  and green olives are one of the things she enjoys most. If she was allowed, she could polish off the whole pot, likely in one sitting.
  3. Marinaded garlic cloves – from the same stall as the olives, these little babies have been marinaded in tomato oil and magic until all the strength and pungency is gone and you’re left with a delicious, flavoursome, almost-fruity morsel. These are for my Sis, though undoubtedly Niece will have a few.
  4. A science-fiction-related prize for the youth group tomorrow evening. They’re having a Sci-Fi theme with a prize for the best fancy dress. Guess what though – we forgot about the ‘prize’ bit until quite recently, so thank goodness it’s meant to be a shopping day!
  5. Something for myself. Not sure what yet, but I’m sure I’ll have my eye caught by some lovely item. Or bread – it could be bread; there‘s a particularly good walnut and raisin available…  
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14 thoughts on “7 Quick Takes #29 x FTSF

  1. Thank you. I did consider that and possibly taking the fostering route instead, but I'm not at a stage where I think I could ever give them back…that time may come!

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  2. Oh, what a profound post this was! I'm still trying to come to terms with it. The whole biological procedure sounds too, too heavy for words, and I hadn't really thought of your point about the “damaged” childred. For me the solution would be to give up on the biological child and on the adoptive one, and just concentrate on trying to provide as much for various children as you possibly can. I think this is basically what I did through my educational work in the poorer areas round my home town. I could have had children, no problem there, butI just didn't choose to bring them up alone, and I never found a partner I wanted to share this experience with.I do so hope you will find the best way for you both. I will be sending you my prayers and energy vibes, even from so far away. See you again soon!

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  3. It may be, as there are things in my past which I think will get flagged up as 'vulnerabilities' as they call them (we have good friends beginning the process, and their similar-ish issues have caused a snag in proceedings, which we all hope will un-snag ASAP).

    The other thing is that because of *SO* much use of abortion as birth control (don't get me started there) there are very few children relinquished for adoption; the children who are available have been taken from their bio parents by social services as a last resort for their protection, so will forsure have been damaged by their experiences – it's a very different deal from adopting a relinquished child.

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  4. I think the thing with being a clark is that your dreams are fairly mutable, whether it's to fit in with your own expectations or someone else's. I'm not sure I had the whole “I want to impress so and so” though – I don't think I thought there was anything I could do to make that happen…

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  5. Thanks. The more I read about adoption, the more aware I am that it can really go either way in terms of experience, which is rather frightening (particularly because the children who would be available through the UK system are nearly all highly damaged by their experiences) but I'm glad it all worked out for you in the end.

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  6. There is no substitute (for having a child or children, a family). There is simply the thing that is now because something wasn't. How do you come to terms with living a life you never prepared for? If age is not a final factor for you, then the “insisting”, the “willing” I hear in your writing is what you carry with you as you find your way forward. To me, this is an aspect of a woman's life that should not allow for self sacrifice. Be strong and do not open the door to fear.

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  7. Chin up on the whole fertility thing. Is adoption difficult for you guys? i know it's so common here in the states. It was the right answer for us as we felt very similar about IVF.

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  8. I believe that I had specific 'when I grow up, I will be…' but I cannot, for the life of me recall them to any degree of specificity…though when I try, and this might sound a little weird* but in most of the 'dreams of the future' I had at that age, I wasn't the central figure (of the dream/ambition. They, these daydreams of maturity and accomplishment were focused on the reactions/responses of others… damn! what a clark!

    *lol for a clark to warn a clark about something possibly being weird usually means one of two things, they are either proud of it or embarrassed by it… which makes sense only to another clark

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  9. So sorry for your heartache. I went through this very dilemma a while ago. Though we did do six months of unsuccessful infertility treatments, we never did IVF because I couldn't get past the questions you are struggling with. We do have a biological son who is almost 20 — but our family includes a 12 and 9 year old through adoption. I wish you peace and wisdom during this time.

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  10. XmlSplit-81-Trial Thanks Janine. We'll see – I guess it will take a while for my expectations and dreams to adjust. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers though; I hope they help.

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  11. I am keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers and hoping you do have your happily ever after with a family full of kids. I can't even imagine what you are feeling, but just know I am truly sending good thoughts your way. And thanks for always linking up with us!!

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