Speaking from experience, I’m going to give you a little advice on…
Another doozy for me – most advice I can give will probably be from the ‘How not to…’ side of life.
If in doubt, listen to your Mum (or my Mum, if yours is no good at advice – mine seems to have a corner on it)
The thing is, I’m great at giving advice – I love to be able to offer a solution, and a lot of the time I think I know what’s best for people, but I’m absolutely, utterly terrible at taking my own advice. And until I can do better at that, I’m not entirely sure I have a leg to stand on to advise anyone else on pretty much anything! Things like going to bed on time and having a healthy lifestyle.
What I’ve found helpful, though, is to watch trash telly to make yourself feel better about being you. If your house is messy, look up ‘How Clean Is Your House?’ and by the time Kim and Aggie have finished with the poor sod with the dirtiest, grimiest, most-cringeworthy tip you’ve ever seen, you’ll look around and your home will be a sparkling, minimalist beauty by comparison. Likewise if you feel you could be a little slenderer and a little fitter, seek ye out ‘Embarrassing Fat Bodies’ and gawk and feel really quite healthy by comparison.
The sad thing is, none of that actually changes anything, but it does provide a sticking plaster over the gaping problem beneath.
Actually, there is one thing I feel thoroughly qualified to tell you, and as advice goes, this is utterly golden.
Read more books
And if you know any kids, read to them as well.
I was challenged on Monday to
rescue the world from find an alternative to the somewhat insulting term ‘miscarriage’. I succeeded, I think, with Neverborn.
SETI still needs your votes for Pluto’s moon’s name – please pick Vulcan, pleeeease? There are only three days left to vote!
Neff is getting slightly creepy. He creates these awesome, imaginative games (and expects me to join in, in a loop, on repeat, for hours). They often involve some kind of sorcery or control (not sure what TV programmes he’s watching in his spare time, but I have a strong suspicion they might be to blame).
Today’s offering went as follows
Neff: In a suitably spooky voice, whilst waving his brand new ‘biker eagle style’ necklace in circles in front of my face I’m in your mind…I’m in your mind…I’m in your mind
Me: Rolling eyes and pretending to be zombified I’m in your mind – I can see through your eyes, I can hear through your ears, I can…smell through your nose?*
Neff: Laughing like the proverbial drain Again! Do it again! I’m in your mind…I’m in your mind…
Me: No, we’ve done this a hundred times
Neff: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease? I’ll make you think of one more – I’m in your mind…I’m in your mind…
And so on ad nauseum
*Substitute with ‘taste through your mouth’, ‘bite with your teeth’, ‘sit on your bottom’, ‘tickle your tummy’, ‘use your toes to brush my teeth’, ‘take off your hair and use it as a cushion’, ‘whatever other crazy thing I can think of’
The ‘horsemeat in your ground beef’ saga continues here, and I’m loving all the jokes which are coming out of it.To be honest, I’m not bothered if I eat horsemeat (and it’s SO unlikely because I rarely eat pre-made meals) and the Italians seem to be grouchy about it only inasmuch as they have to pay a premium for the stuff and we’re getting it to cheapenify cow meat products.
Here’re two of the best jokes – chip in if you know any more
To Findus or not to Findus, that is equestrian.
Tesco Lasagne (Now with no added Shergar)
Not to mention the hilarious Tesco spoof apology
We at Tesco would like to offer our sincere apologies for the discovery of horse DNA in our beefburgers. We would like to assure you that we will ensure no further horse DNA is included in this product and commit to returning to production with the quality ingredients you have come to expect of our burgers – eyeballs, skin, testicles and arseholes.
Nightmare and the Cat. Apparently this song sounds a bit like a song (not sure which – let me know if you figure it out) by Radiohead. I don’t like Radiohead. I do like these guys.