Today I bought a box. Husby and I went and found it together, paid for it together, and will hopefully fill it together. It’s smallish, a pretty shade of beige and has some striped fabric and a cute wooden horse on the front. It was labelled as a keepsake box, which is what we want it for. Naturally it was in the aisle with the baby things, and I tried quite hard not to mind that it was next to the pink and blue boxes with a space for a photo of the baby on the lid.

The thing is, when you lose a baby at a very early stage of pregnancy, there’s nothing tangible; nothing for you to hold. This most devastating of circumstances, when you’re halfway through losing your child (and afterwards, looking back) appears, physically, to be a bit of a non-event. This may be part of the reason people (and yes, I use the term generalisingly, sweepingly and (probably) wrongly) are able to sweep miscarriage under the rug. That and it’s difficult to bring up in normal, non-miscarriage-related conversation.

So my very wise counselor suggested that I get a box (a pretty one) and fill it with things to help me remember our child – to help both of us remember. We already chose a name, and I thought that this was a pretty good step along the road to coming to terms – when we miss a person, when we mourn their loss, it’s much easier if they have a name, a handle, to think of them as. Not being named seems dehumanising (I’m sure there’s some psychology to it somewhere) and in accepting the miscarriage and the loss, I’ve found it very helpful to have a name to remember. Somewhere on the box I’ll write this name (though with the book I’ve been reading lately, the style of handwriting suddenly seems terribly important).

The other thing I was challenged to, when I had a small outburst about how much I hated the term ‘miscarriage’ because of its inference that there had been a mishap or mistake which had resulted in miscarriage, was to come up with another term. I also discovered that I didn’t like the way that the carriage-ing was all about the mother (very rarely is miscarriage anything to do with the mother, as I understand it) and in no way acknowledging of the child (who usually managed to have some DNA not zipped up right, which is often the cause in early pregnancy losses). So I came up with the term ‘neverborn’. I checked on Google – it’s not being used for anything popular, so I feel I can filch it.

So here it is – the first thing to go in my box – my letter to Jesse, who I love but will never meet in this life.

Forever tha’art
In thy mother’s heart
Thy Father too
Though never he
So close as Mother was
To thee
Our prayers, our love
Our best intent
Return with thee
From whence wer’t sent
Our Heavenly Father
Parents you
As we were never
Able to
Time will heal
Though never let
Us our first child
To e’er forget
Forever tha’art
In thy Mother’s heart.Β 


20 thoughts on “Neverborn

  1. Plus, they both have our lovely grandad to play with πŸ™‚ always makes me smile when i think of the jolly good time our family must be having up there! Imagine the stories they'll hear from fred & grandad, i bet the kettle is on and scrabble board out! :p


  2. Wow. You have chosen such a beautiful name, a far better term and created a moving poem & remembrance. Thank you for sharing it all. Hugs & prayers from CT!


  3. It might be your necklace I've seen photos of, Cam, with the name and dates of birth of each child (or it's someone else and I've gotten completely muddled). Wherever it was, I loved it and thought it was a really nice reminder. I don't think anyone who's gone through this and who cares at all about it would think it's silly.


  4. There sure will be! Your friend must've had such a tough time. It's so sad, but what a good attitude he has. Thanks for the prayers. Hopefully by the time we meet Jesse, we'll have some brothers and sisters for him/her to meet.


  5. Oh! Hugs! This post is beautiful!

    I did find that having little tangible reminders helped me a lot. My favorite is a little engraved necklace that I wear almost every day… It might seems silly to some the way I cling to it… but it absolutely helps to have a little reminder.


  6. Well done bean πŸ™‚ beautiful. I think that as part of the effort to get neverborn recognised, a very strongly worded letter should be sent to the leaflet creators! Get the russian dolls taken off at least! I shall hunt the internet for an address πŸ™‚ i'm still keeping an eye out for emilys box, i bet shes looking after jesse aswell πŸ™‚


  7. Tears from mew again Lizzi, you sure know how to do it! Your little one Jesse is very much part of our wider Family although unseen. God be very much with you in this invaluable process. Always your firstborn, as you rightly say lots of love Carolyn x x x


  8. Jesse is such a beautiful name. Ive got a childhood friend whose got four neverborns. As he puts it there will be a crowd to welcome them when they reach heaven. Prayers. I'm sure Jesse is offering prayers for you too.


  9. I did too, I'm just glad that no-one else has used the term for anything dodgy so I can have it with impunity. I wanted something meaningful but in a way that people won't mix it up with anything else. I think this works quite well.


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