404 The life you were looking for has not been found

 I am divided.

The more-than-half of me which has chosen, chooses and will continue to choose the life I currently have is in conflict with trying to subdue the half of me which had expectations for marriage, mid-life and adulthood and which is struggling with the systematic dismantling of those hopes and dreams.

The other speed bump is that Husby’s brain and mine work in very different ways. I’ve never read that ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ book (nor, to my knowledge, has he) but as far as I’m aware, it goes something into the ways in which the brains of the two sexes are vastly different. Husby thinks that some of the things which are coming up are specifically me or him. I think they’re likely to be sex-wide.

Take a woman, still relatively new to marriage, with a husband who would also like a family, then have him be debilitatingly ill for the duration of that marriage, then have his treatment requirements mean that at some point in the near future, he will be made infertile.

Then give her a miscarriage to deal with. 

For him, the miscarriage, the illness-induced lack of bedroom action and the impending deadline for natural conception can apparently all be boxed off and viewed separately. In this way he is able to focus on getting better, able to deal with manageable levels of emotions regarding each, individual happenstance.

For her, these factors coupled with a physical monthly reminder of the miscarriage and the fact that she is still not pregnant yet and the deadline is looming, are all in play, all the time. 

He calls her emotions “overreaction” and “silly” and “not all women, just you” listens patiently as she repeatedly tries to explain her feelings clearly and finally begins to understand.

They realise they need to work together on this life with new parameters, unexpectedly altered goalposts and huge disappointments.

I think a lot of the problem comes from being so isolated in this. Many people (sadly) have had miscarriages to deal with. Fewer have had infertility to deal with. Fewer still have been so young and had the matter compounded by debilitating illness (with the added chicken-and-egg side effect of low sex drive requiring hormones to fix, which will induce infertility, thus negating the point of trying to conceive). The resources do not appear to be out there for people in this situation.

So as much as my poor, sweet Husby is feeling useless and broken and upset about the situation, I am feeling as though life has, once again, thrown me the soiled end of the rope. Do people (somewhere) get good things in life with no catch? No small print saying ‘…but in order to balance out all the goodness, here’s a pile of crap for you to deal with’? No provisos? No strings attached?

I realise this is another ‘poor me’ post, but the thing which no-one told me when I first encountered the possibility of infertility was how much it would pervade every aspect of life. No-one warned me that as soon as I miscarried, there would be babies and pregnant women everywhere. You truly develop a radar for it. There was no indication of the amount of pain, stress and dividedness the miscarriage/pending infertility would cause; nor the sheer amount of mental space it would take up. It’s like having a macular hole in your retina – everything you see, it’s a part of. And no-one told me it wouldn’t be like that for him.

A sense of unworthiness is beginning to rear its ugly head again. Thank goodness tomorrow’s Monday and I will see the awesome Lynne, who can help me start putting things back into perspective again.

2 thoughts on “404 The life you were looking for has not been found

  1. I think the hardest part of life is having a plan for your life and then realizing that God has something else in mind. I know that I throw fits all the time. I married a doctor (non-medical) for Pete's Sake shouldn't I be living in something bigger…

    But then my therapist reminds me that this hardship is temporary. It's much harder when it's permanent like having to have your ovaries removed because of cancer or your child has some sort of genetic disorder that will affect them the rest of their lives.

    I haven't had to experience the more permanent situation, but I know of others who have. It's totally normal for you to be feeling the way you do. Think of it as attempting to morn. You're not completely sure it's a loss (the ability to have children or Husby's good health) so you can't fully morn. It must be a terrible feeling.

    I continue to keep you in my prayers.


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