Sweet, sweet pain

This afternoon a good friend of mine from church hosted a family-friendly get-together for a group of us. I was going to bring Niece and Neff, but Neff was sadly ill and Niece wouldn’t go without him. So Husby and I went alone.

It was very family friendly. As well as my friend’s family (her oldest is my Goddaughter, now nicknamed Miss Crazypants – she managed to chew through a glowstick and get wedged in the toilet in the time I was there. This is about normal for her – she’s a bundle of mad, joyful energy), there were the slightly older children of another couple (both of whom I’ve known and looked after since tiny-hood in my previous job in a nursery) and another couple and their new son. (These weren’t the only guests, but those with children present)


All of them were kids I know well (except the baby – I haven’t had that much time yet; he’s only 11 weeks old), love and have strong bonds with.

We played in the garden in the dark and one of my very close friends and I kept watch, regulated the madness and joined in with football, ribbon-waving, tickle-wrestling and sliding on the slidey patches (and keeping an eye on the toddler). We picked them up when they fell, cautioned slowing down/not kicking the ball so hard/WATCH OUT FOR THE BABY!/other grown-uppy type things.

This week, the first week back after Christmas, when offices have been open and people have been contactable, has only been a little fruitful. I now have an appointment at the end of February with the man whose office I was sitting in when he told us such negative things a while ago. We are still trying hard to reserve judgement but this evening, whilst wonderful, made me jealous/envious/whatever.

I know it’s not attractive. I know I’m not meant to covet, but I do. When friends are pregnant, I covet. When I see the beautiful relationships between these precious children and their parents, I covet.

I definitely don’t want to avoid situations where I get to spend time with children I know. I don’t want my friends to feel uncomfortable around me (though this may be somewhat inevitable – I don’t know how I’d respond if the situation was reversed). I don’t want to exclude myself or stop enjoying the good things which come from hanging out with lovely families – I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

To use the second Dictionary.com definition of covet, I wish especially eagerly for the time when I have that; any of it. Whatever part of it Husby and I might be allotted. Hopefully we will have natural and adopted children, but so be it if there are no natural children in our future – I just want to know.

Because once I know, we can get on with it. There will be progress and I won’t feel such heartbreak in the midst of enjoying the time I spend with these wonderful children who aren’t mine.

2 thoughts on “Sweet, sweet pain

  1. We do indeed.

    That's a good distinction though. You're right – I don't want my friends not to have their children. I feel privileged that they share those fun times (and sometimes less fun times, and sometimes downright awkward times) with me. I wouldn't take that away from them or wish I had it instead of them.

    Many thanks for your prayers and encouragement. It is hard to wait and I am still learning patience very slowly.


  2. So, today we share our ugly green sides, you and I, do we? You have a right to your feelings and you make sense- so much sense. I can tell too, that you make a wonderful mother.

    I don't think you are coveting; you don't want what someone else has INSTEAD of them, do you? You want the joy for them as well, yes? But you are jealous. And that is reasonable. And I get it. I hope that you find your answers. And I pray that they are what you want to hear, or at least are able to accept. Peace to you, my new long distance cyber friend.


Comments are where the magic happens...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s