I’m afraid this may not be one of the ‘thinky’ posts I so like to do, but more an update for those interested/concerned in how things are going with me. Feel free to disregard it if it doesn’t grab you (and goodness knows why it would – it’s far from positive – I’d rather it didn’t grab me, but hey, it’s my life and I can hardly duck out of it).
We had our appointment at the fertility clinic. Our expectations (as fuelled by a very positive meeting with an excellent endocrinologist) were thoroughly dashed. So at this stage we are still on a (very stressful (for me, anyway)) cliffhanger until calls tomorrow can begin to untangle exactly what went awry.
Husby (and others) has told me in no uncertain terms that there’s no point despairing just yet and that if I succumb to stress/pain/bewilderment at this stage, I’ll not be fit to fight the next round. Easy for him to say.
What we expected
- We would see both a fertility doctor and the excellent endocrinologist
- They would work together to decide a treatment plan which would get Husby back to himself and support the having of children
- The alternative treatment plan would not be considered as we wish to have children
- I would be examined to see if I had any underlying fertility problems which needed addressing, though none are anticipated
- Husby’s treatment process would begin
- The excellent endocrinologist was not available
- The fertility doctor immediately dismissed the treatment plan recommended by the endocrinologist “Because your GP surgery would have to fund it and they won’t”
- We were offered one treatment option – the one which will most likely (according to the endocrinologist, who knows about these things) irreversibly render Husby infertile
- To allow some small chance of natural pregnancy, we were offered the chance of sperm storage (at our cost) and the possibility of IUI (8-16% chance of conception) or IVF (not a route we’re prepared to take, AND at our own cost, so it’s moot anyway) once I am 30 and qualify for funding
- I was not examined but told, whilst sat IN the fertility doctor’s examining room, that I would need a referral from my GP before this could occur. At the fertility clinic. Where I was sitting.
- We were told that the proposed treatment plan only ‘might’ render Husby infertile – a direct contradiction to what the endocrinologist told us.
- Because of the sperm storage issue, Husby has to wait til February for another appointment at which he *might* begin treatment to improve his quality of life.
- Because of the low quality of life (and energy and hormones) contributing to the sperm storage will be a major source of stress (mainly for Husby, but undoubtedly that will domino onto me) and as a result of that stress, any (already few enough) opportunities we might have for attempting to conceive will probably be severely compromised.
- I will probably only ovulate twice more between now and the next appointment.
So we hardly spoke, came home and I went to bed for several hours. Then I cried a lot. Then I pulled myself together for a meeting, zombied through that and then came home and cried a lot more. My friends-and-relations rallied round and tried to deal with an un-responsive, crying lump of negativity, which was frankly all I was capable of. Husby tried to encourage me and somewhat succeeded.
And now we have an action plan of some phonecalls to get back in touch with the endocrinologist and express our extreme displeasure with the way the appointment went and see if she can’t pull some strings to get us expensive but non-axing-our-dreams-of-children treatment plan A. Especially seeing as she was SO for it.
And I have to try to ready myself for the next round of struggling. I really thought/hoped/prayed that this appointment would be The Answer and it has proved the opposite.
If my phone was app-compatible and there was a ‘When you’re banging your head against a brick wall’ app, I would surely have downloaded it.
On the tiniest bit of a plus side, Husby and I have talked quite positively about the possibility of adopting a sibling group when it comes to adoption, as then they’d each have someone who’s remained consistent in their lives and we wouldn’t have to worry about trying to appropriately support an already-damaged child through the introduction of another damaged child. It would also mean not going through the adoption process twice, which (according to most sources) is the most stressful bit of all. We’ve had enough of stress.