Dear Tiny Bean
I was so excited all week to think you might be there, growing inside me. That’s why I left it til the weekend to take the test – I wanted to be really sure I hadn’t just got my dates wrong. Which was why I was so confused (for half an hour) about the negative result. I had been so sure.
Well, I was right, wasn’t I.
Only it’s so devastating that the confirmation came in losing you. You barely had a chance to establish yourself – 5 weeks at most – you can let me know one day.
I can only presume that this is the right thing to have happened, that you never would have made it on your own. I suppose there’s something to be said for me never having been able to really feel like your Mummy, to have begun to love you any more. Except now you’re gone I feel it so much and miss you terribly.
There are so many things I’m sad you’ll never experience (and a few I’m glad you’ll never have to endure). I wish I could see you with your Daddy, looking at him and seeing the similarity. I wish I could introduce you to your Grandparents, your Great Aunty, your Uncle, your Aunty and your wonderful cousins. I wish I could have looked after you for longer.
I am sure things are better where you are, and that you’re not too sad about how me and Daddy feel at the moment. I hope you meet your family – the ones we miss dearly and those we never had the chance to meet. I expect you’ll get on with them – if your character is anything like your parents’, you’ll be cracking jokes and making them all laugh.
I’ll try to remember you always and hope that when I meet you one day, you’ll be proud that I was your Mummy. I hope by then you’ll have brothers and sisters, too, though selfishly I’d like to meet them before you do.
I miss you.
Love you, my child